Only When I Sleep

by E V Lind

  Her baby bump was more pronounced now than it had been. A reminder of the man whose DNA had contributed to the babe’s existence. The child needed a father who’d be there for it. A man who’d love it without question and without blame. Could he do that?

  Damn straight he could.

  “Are you coming back for the wake?” Beth asked, interrupting his internal monologue and reminding him he had a job to do.

  “In a minute. Can we talk?”

  “Aren’t we talking now?” she said but he could tell she was being deliberately evasive.

  “I mean really talk. About us.”

  “Us? We have an us?”

  Okay, so he deserved that. He’d been an absolute ass while the hangover of Henderson’s madness was being cleared away. Ryan reached deep.

  “I’d like there to be an us.”

  She stood there, just staring at him. Fuck, he’d gone about this all wrong, hadn’t he? Thing was, he didn’t know how else to do this. He just had to lay everything on the line.

  “I mean, you should stay, here in Riverbend.”

  She curled her lips in a smile, but it looked more derisive than friendly to him. “Is that so?”

  “Yeah.”

  What now? He was screwing this up big time. He felt a solid whack between his shoulder blades.

  Don’t be such a dumbass, dumbass. Tell her.

  Oh great, now Tuck decided to talk to him?

  You only had to listen. She’s gonna leave you, buddy. How much do you want her to stay? Maybe you should listen to her now.

  Ryan squared his shoulders and stepped up closer to Beth and put his hands on her shoulders.

  “I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay and I want to be there for you. To help you and the baby when it comes.”

  A sudden flare of fury lit Beth’s hazel eyes and she flung her arms up, dislodging his hands and leaving them to fall redundantly at his side.

  “Fuck you, Ryan Jones.” Her voice was low and lethal and she punctuated each word with a tiny fist to his chest. “How dare you ask me to stay like that?”

  What had he done wrong? He’d never heard Beth swear.

  I was right. You’re a dumbass. If you can’t give her what she needs, you have to let her go.

  “Shut up, Tuck,” he growled under his breath.

  “I beg your pardon?” Beth asked, even more riled up now. “First, you’re telling me to stay and now you’re telling me to shut up?”

  “No, I’m not telling you to shut up. I’m—”

  He stopped. How did he tell her his dead best friend had chosen this moment to start up a conversation with him? Or maybe, like Tuck said, he was only just now learning to listen.

  Finally, he gets it. Tuck’s derisive voice echoed through his head. You have to let us go, buddy. The whole team. If you don’t, you won’t ever be able to hold onto what you really want most.

  Tuck was right. It hurt to admit it but he was right.

  “Look, I’m sorry, Beth. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

  “Damn straight you shouldn’t have,” she said with a defiant tilt of her face.

  God, he loved that face. Every scar, every faded bruise, even the scarred burn marks on her cheek. Every inch of her was special to him. But what made him think she could feel that way about him in return? Would she ever be ready to trust another man? Here he was, ready to play happy families and he had no idea of what she wanted or, deep down, needed.

  Which was why he had to let her make her own choices. Take any pressure—any expectations—right away from her.

  “Look, forget I said anything.”

  She punched him again. “Don’t you dare say that to me! You don’t tell me what to do. I make my own choices.”

  “I know. I know.” He put both his hands up in a gesture of surrender. “I don’t have any rights over you.”

  “You better believe it. So, if I decide to go or if I decide to stay, it’s all my choice. And why the hell should I stay anyway? You’ve been an absolute moron this past week. How could you? After what you did...” Her voice thickened and trailed off.

  What he did? He sure as hell hoped she meant him saving her from that piece of shit, Henderson.

  “I did what I had to do.”

  She visibly sagged. “Yeah, I know you did. You did what you’d have done for anyone and you did it without thinking about yourself. I never said thank you, did I? So, thank you.”

  For a gesture of gratitude, it was heavily lacking in obvious appreciation. He was missing something. Beth started to walk away. He watched her go, feeling more helpless than he had the moment he’d arrived at the MacDonald place and seen her trapped inside with that maniac.

  Tell her, dumbass.

  Could he? Could he tell her what drove him into a burning house to save her? Sure, yes, he would have tried to save anyone from the monster that Henderson had become, but he’d saved Beth for one specific reason.

  Now we’re talking. Time for me to butt out, buddy. See you on the other side.

  Forcing himself to ignore the pang of loss he felt as the connection with his best friend dissolved into nothing, Ryan concentrated on the woman walking away from him.

  “Beth, I love you.”

  There, he’d said it. The words came out like a croak from a constipated frog but with them came a sense of freedom and an uplifting of spirit he’d never known before. Why the hell had he left it so long?

  She froze on the path and he hastened to her side and turned her to face him.

  “Beth, I love you,” he repeated, this time with conviction, to her face and with all his heart.

  “Why?”

  What?

  “Look, I know I’ve been a surly bastard since the fire but I’ve been thinking.”

  “That’s nice for you.”

  She turned her head and looked down the road toward the café but she didn’t walk away. A flicker of hope burned a little brighter in his gut.

  “Look this is coming out all wrong. Conversation isn’t a strong point for me. You know that as well as anyone. But believe me. I love you.” And damn if it didn’t get easier to say every time he said it. “I don’t want you to leave Riverbend because I want you to stay and think about building a life with me. You and the baby. I know you probably need time. Hell, you might never learn to love me as much as I love you and I wouldn’t blame you. But I’m begging you for a chance. A chance to prove that I can be the man who will always stand by you, always care for you, always support you in whatever you want to do and who will always love you until my dying breath. Actually, given what we’re like around here, maybe even beyond that.

  “Please, hear me out,” he continued when he could see she was about to say something. “I need to get this all out. Lay everything on the line. I’ve been in a dark place for a long time. I let my team down and they died because of it.”

  When Beth made a sound as if she was about to disagree with him he held up a hand.

  “Beth, you nearly died because of it, too. Because I wouldn’t listen to what I knew was the truth. I wouldn’t listen to the voices inside my head when they warned me of danger.” He quickly explained the dreams he had and how they forewarned him when something awful was going to happen. “I had two choices that day back in Afghanistan. Warn my team, or ignore what I’d dreamed about because I didn’t want to believe I’d made a mistake trusting Aliah the way I did. I did the latter and I have to carry that burden for the rest of my days. I’m the one who befriended Aliah. I’m the one who allowed her to get close to my men. When I saw her at the market that day I had a split second to realize that the warning I’d received—” He shook his head and rubbed his eyes with his thumb and forefingers.

  Beth’s small hands reached for his, her fingers curling around his palms and squeezing. “You don’t know that you could have stopped her that day.”

  “I’ll never know,” he said bitterly. “But that aside, it made me angry. At myself, at my so-called talent.
Ma has always told me to embrace it, to count myself lucky that I had this knowing, and yeah, it stood me in good stead a lot of times. When push came to shove though, when it was at its most vital that I listen, I didn’t. I was clouded by my relationship with Aliah. I had no idea that the very people she told me she was trying to get away from were actually working with her. That she was their willing tool. That she’d sacrifice herself and her unborn baby to achieve what she believed was her divine duty.”

  *

  Beth looked at Ryan in shock. “She was pregnant?”

  He nodded.

  “Was it...was it your baby?”

  “No!” Ryan said vehemently. “She told me her husband had died. That she’d been cast out of his family home. That she had nothing and no one. I...I befriended her. Protected her. Made sure she had food and shelter. Basically, I set her up to destroy everything I stood for.”

  “So, you have a hero complex.” Beth looked up at him. “That’s not the worst kind of human being you can be, you know. It came in very handy the other night.”

  He allowed his lips to crook into a smile. Humor. Yeah, just what they needed. “When I first met you, all I saw was her. A woman apparently in need, desperate and alone.”

  “And pregnant,” Beth said in a voice that was devoid of all emotion.

  No wonder he’d reeled away from her that day he’d discovered she was expecting a baby. It was like his worst nightmare come to life again.

  “Yeah, and pregnant. I have to say, I wondered what sick twist of fate had sent you to us but I guess that maybe I needed to look at things differently. To realize that I had to let go of what happened back there. Sure, I could have told the guys I’d had a dream about what was going to happen. They might have believed me if I’d given them the chance. Might have been more on point than normal, if that was even possible. But I can’t go back and rewrite that history. I have to accept that and move on. But I also have a chance to write a new future. One that I really want you to be a part of. I love you, Beth. Please stay.”

  Beth let his words sink in. “So, just to be sure—I’m not some project for you to absolve your conscience? Not some damsel in distress needing you to ride in and save me?”

  “Like I said, words aren’t my forte. I guess I’ve failed if that’s what you think.”

  “It’s not what I think,” she said, squeezing his hands again. “When I came here I didn’t expect to stay beyond that first meal at the café. But you and your mom, well, your mom mostly,” she admitted with a wry smile, “made me feel like I had a safe haven. Made me feel like I could take charge of myself and my future. Made me want to live again. I was dead inside for so long. You guys helped me be me. Everyone here did to be honest, but you most of all. You pushed me, and antagonized me and reminded me that normal people don’t have to agree all the time. Normal people can yell at one another without hurting each other physically or emotionally. You made me remember that love is a healthy emotion. Not one to be feared, not one that is used to control.

  “I owe you a lot, Ryan. You’ve already given me so much and now you’re offering me your heart as well? I don’t know if I can accept that. I don’t know if I can be the woman you deserve to have in your life.”

  “You already are, Beth. You might not know it but you’re the strongest person I know.” He took in a deep breath. “Will you stay? Will you let me love you?”

  A trickle of uncertainty ran up her spine and tickled at her brain. Could she? She already knew she could trust him with her life and that of her unborn child. Could she trust him with her heart as well? The answer was a simple and resounding, yes.

  She reached up and kissed him sweetly on the lips and answered, “Only if you’ll let me love you, too.”

  His arms caught around her so fast it knocked the breath out of her. Beth lifted her face to his and laughed at his incredulous expression.

  “Will you move back in with me?” he asked.

  “I’d like that,” she admitted. “But—”

  “We’ll take it slow,” he hastened to assure her. “The, y’know, the physical side of things. You can keep your own room. Until you’re ready—”

  Beth kissed him to shut him up for a moment. “Thank you,” she whispered against his mouth.

  He linked his fingers through hers and lifted her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss on her knuckles that she felt all the way to her toes.

  “Shall we join the rest of them for a while? Then get your things?” he suggested.

  “I’d like that, too.” She smiled in response. “And then you can take me home.”

  His eyes meshed with hers, his love for her shining clear and true in their gray depths, and she knew that home would always be wherever this difficult, complex and thoroughly lovable man was. And she knew that whatever the future held, she would face it with him at her side. Thanks to him she had a life. And she and her baby had a future.

  ~

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  ~

  Read on for an excerpt from ONLY WHEN I SCREAM (coming soon):

  The man was a complete conundrum. Almost friendly one minute, closed as tight as a vault the next. One thing was clearly non-negotiable, do not pry into the family secrets. Which, of course, only made her more curious about them, but she tempered that with her own reluctance to talk about herself. Very few people knew about her abduction, or her road to recovery. She was happy to keep it that way and clearly he was equally happy to keep his family’s cards close to his chest, also.

  She let herself into her bedroom and crossed to the other room, flicking the switch for the wall sconces as she entered. The lights flickered a little, then glowed warmly. Beautiful for ambience, Ivy conceded, but useless for anything else. She wandered over to the table and partially lifted the cover from the painting.

  “Hello, Caroline, Richard,” she said softly. “I look forward to getting to know both of you better in the next few days.”

  A cool wisp of air swirled around her, sending chills along her arms and down her spine. Admittedly more than a little spooked, Ivy let the cloth drop back down. She turned off the lights and went through to her room but as she went to pull the door closed her felt her heart skitter in her chest. Was that a shape standing there by the window?

  Ivy blinked hard. No, she was imagining things. Over-tiredness could play stupid tricks on a person’s mind. She knew that from her time in captivity. She closed the door firmly and turned the key in the lock on her side for good measure. She wouldn’t let the past bother her tonight, neither that of the very late Mr. and Mrs. Colton, or her own.

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  A WORD ABOUT THE AUTHOR…

  E.V. Lind is the pseudonym of an award winning, USA Today bestselling author of more than 40 titles. E.V. has always been intrigued by the supernatural and enjoyed chilling suspense movies and has always loved visiting old homes and even older graveyards for all the untold stories that lie within them. Add to this a fascination with what makes criminals tick, a love of crime and suspense novels and you have the beginnings of the supernatural suspense author E.V. Lind has evolved into.

  ONLY WHEN I SLEEP is E.V.’s first novel in this vein and was inspired by two things…a story in the news about a battered woman and a visit to a timeworn graveyard where there was a family plot with an empty headstone. What happened to the decendent? Where did they go?

  For updates on coming books, follow E.V. on Facebook and Twitter.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  It takes a village to raise an author and there are some very special people I would like to thank for my transition from traditionally published to hybrid/indie author. Only When I Sleep was a story that lingered in my mind for many years before I actually made the time to work on it and it was an incredibly satisfying journey once I let those words out.

  First of all, my huge thanks and endless appr
eciation to my family for encouraging me to write what I wanted to and to put it out there and whose tireless belief in me has been a constant refrain in the back of my mind.

  Secondly, to my tribe, Shar, Peta, Nalini and Nicky, for always being a sounding board, for offering endless advice, for exhibiting continued patience, for always believing in my ability to step up to this new platform and for always being there with love, light and laughter. You guys are amazing, thank you.

  Writing is a solo pursuit but, if you’re very lucky, and I am, you get to meet some amazing people along the way. Therefore, another big thank you to the SPA Girls for their amazing podcasts and incredibly brilliant workshop day, to my fellow wild writers who are all amazing women with incredible skills and generous hearts and also to the inimitable Bella Andre for encouraging me to step up and step out beyond my fears and to “Channel California!”