Don't Leave

by Jennifer Sucevic

  Even back in high school, Brooklyn was a serial dater. Austin is the first guy to ever pry his way into her heart. Even if she doesn’t necessarily want him there.

  “Maybe,” I reply softly, “the reason you can’t get over Austin is because you actually have feelings for him. Maybe you need to give him another chance to prove that he can be the guy you need him to be.”

  She looks at me like I just told her to drown a bag of kittens. “But that’s the problem. I don’t want to feel anything for him at all. Relationships are so much easier when feelings aren’t involved.”

  “Yeah, I get that… but isn’t it a little late? Hasn’t that train already left the station?” I shake my head. “How are you going to change the feelings you already have for him?”

  It’s with a completely straight face that she says, “Well, at the moment I’m trying to fuck him out of my system.”

  I roll my eyes. Which is usually Brooklyn’s thing, not mine. “And how’s that working out for you?”

  She looks suddenly thoughtful. “Is it possible that we’re not having enough sex?”

  I want to shake my head at what’s coming out of her mouth. “So, let me get this straight,” I’m pretty sure the dry tone is lost on her, “your plan is to screw around with him in hopes that you can lessen your feelings for him?”

  Total.

  Disaster.

  And I don’t want to be around when it explodes in her face.

  She snorts before throwing an arm over her eyes. Apparently hot poster guy isn’t doing his job. “Well, when you put it like that, it just sounds ridiculous.”

  I can’t help but laugh. “That’s because it is ridiculous.”

  “Then tell me what to do,” she groans, “because I don’t want to keep thinking about him. I don’t want to keep hooking up with him in hopes that it’ll finally be enough.”

  That’s when understanding finally dawns. Albeit a little belatedly. “That’s why he was here, isn’t it?”

  The arm comes off her face as she turns towards me, blinking the sunlight that is filtering in through the window out of her eyes. “Yep. Booty call. In the freaking middle of a Wednesday afternoon. So sad.”

  I think about what I heard right before the door swung open. “Why were you two yelling at each other if it’s just sex?”

  “You heard that, huh?”

  “Just the voices, not the actual words.”

  “Believe it or not, he’s tired of hooking up. So he gave me an ultimatum. We either make this thing legit and stop sneaking around or he’s moving on.” Brooklyn plows both hands through her hair as if she might yank all of it right out of her head. “Riddle me this- if guys prefer a no-strings kind of situation, why is he trying to pressure me into a relationship? You’d think that what we’re doing would be totally ideal.”

  Well, clearly I’m no relationship expert but I’m thinking it’s because Austin has feelings for Brooklyn. He’s just not afraid to do something about it.

  “So what you’re telling me is that you won’t go out with him and he won’t hook up with you,” I finally clarify.

  “Yep, that just about sums up our situation. Do you have any words of wisdom to impart upon me?”

  Oh.

  Hell.

  No.

  I am not touching this one with a ten foot pole.

  Keeping my mouth shut, I shake my head. “Sorry, I really don’t.” I’m the very last person who should be doling out relationship advice. This is the first time I’ve actually found myself in one and it’s turning out to be riddled with issues.

  Issues I have no idea how to solve.

  Eyeing Brooklyn, I realize that I’m not alone in that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Ninety minutes. That’s how much time I have to hit the books before I’m supposed to meet up with Cole for a quick dinner. He has a hockey scrimmage tonight and Brooklyn and I are planning on being there to support the team.

  I still haven’t worked up the courage to tell him that his mother is my therapist. I keep putting it off. How familiar does that sound?

  Unfortunately, too damn familiar.

  And here I thought that telling him about the meaningless hook ups and failing out of school would be the hard part. I’d really thought we were past all the secrets, lies, and omissions.

  Turns out we’re not.

  Checking the time on my phone, I turn off the ringer before shoving it back into my messenger bag. Then I head up to the second floor to a quiet little area buried in the stacks. I like it because there’s usually no one there and it’s quiet.

  So imagine my surprise when I find someone else already camped out at the table I usually park myself at. Annoyance flares to life within me because I’m a creature of habit and I like sitting at what I consider to be my table.

  And no… there’s nothing weird about that.

  Just as I’m about to stalk away, the guy sitting at my table glances up, skewering me in place with his blueish-gray gaze.

  Luke.

  As soon as our eyes lock, a huge smile curves its way across his face. “Hey, Cassidy!” He waves me over.

  Something unwanted tightens within me as I step hesitantly towards him. I give a little awkward wave. “Hey.”

  He glances at the bag hanging off my shoulder. “You need a place to work?”

  My eyes slide around, looking for an alternative. But there are none. The few tables that are scattered around are already filled with students. “Umm… yeah.”

  He clears off a part of the table that’s closest to me. “You can work here if you want.”

  For just a moment or two I shift uneasily from one foot to another, knowing in the back of my mind that Cole wouldn’t like us spending any more time together. And if I’m being completely truthful with myself, the feelings I have for Luke make me kind of uncomfortable. Because I’m beginning to suspect that they aren’t one hundred percent friendship. And my life is already complicated enough at the moment without adding these unwanted feelings into the mix.

  The best thing I can do is stay away from Luke until I have a better handle on my feelings. Again I glance around looking for an open table. Any open table… Just one open table…

  But there aren’t any.

  “Cassidy?”

  Gnawing on my lip, I’m unsure what to do.

  Am I making too big of a deal out of this?

  I mean, it’s just studying. We probably won’t even talk. Like at all. After a moment of internal struggle, I decide that there’s no real harm in sitting at the same table with Luke for an hour and a half.

  “Okay.” I give him just a hint of a smile before laying my bag down and pulling out my economics book. Luke smiles but doesn’t say another word as he gets back to work. I reassure myself one last time that what I’m doing is perfectly fine as I open it to chapter thirteen and begin reading, highlighting, and jotting down a few notes.

  After a while I realize that my shoulders ache from being hunched over my book, so I pull out my phone to check the time and realize that a whole hour has somehow disappeared. Crap. I didn’t even get through everything I wanted to. Glancing over at Luke, I notice he’s still typing away on his computer. He hasn’t spoken one single word to me since I sat down.

  Which is a huge relief.

  See?

  I knew studying together would be just fine.

  Why did I even think it would be a problem?

  All my worry seems utterly ridiculous now.

  I have about thirty minutes left to study before I’m supposed to meet Cole for dinner. Just as I’m about to get back to it, Luke straightens in his chair before stretching. Arching his back, he holds his arms up over his head as he rotates first one shoulder, then the other. Even though I shouldn’t be noticing the way the soft fabric of his shirt plays across the wide expanse of his chest, I, um, do. It feels as if my gaze is glued to the way his short sleeves mold perfectly to the thickly corded muscles of his arms and shoulders…
/>   No, I definitely shouldn’t be noticing how that happens.

  But I can’t seem to help myself. Objectively speaking, he’s gorgeous. Wide shoulders, powerful chest, huge arms, tapered waist.

  Just as those unwanted thoughts crash through my head, I realize that I’m totally checking him out. And I shouldn’t be checking Luke out. At all. Flushing, I have to practically rip my eyes away from the hard cut of his upper body before forcing them down to the splayed open book in front of me.

  Christ. I really hope he didn’t see the way I was drooling. How embarrassing.

  I can’t believe I just did that. Luke is my friend. Nothing more.

  Nothing.

  More.

  “Do you still have a lot of reading to finish up?”

  Trying to pretend what happened did not just happen, I force my eyes up to meet his. Thankfully there’s not any kind of smirk or knowing light within them because if there were, I would probably pack up all my books and hightail it right out of the library. But there isn’t. He seems blissfully unaware of my intense perusal.

  I wish I could be that oblivious.

  I clear my throat… not to mention my thoughts. “Um, a little bit more. I wanted to get through as much as I could before the game tonight.”

  He smiles, stretching one more time as he holds my unwavering gaze. I don’t allow my eyes to deviate from his. “So you’ll be there? Awesome!”

  I gulp as my mouth goes dry. “Yes, both Brooklyn and I are planning on it.”

  He nods. “Should be a tight game. I’ve gone over their film. We’ve got a bigger, faster defense and more talent upfront. So I think we’ll be able to pull it off.” He rubs his chin. “But their goalie is really solid.”

  I don’t mention that Cole feels the same way and has pretty much said the same exact thing. “Should be a good game.”

  Thankfully finished with all his stretching, he leans back in his wooden chair. Tilting his head to the side, his eyes slide over me. I can almost feel the heat of his gaze licking over my body. What I can’t decide is if I like it or not.

  Because I shouldn’t like it at all. And I definitely shouldn’t be feeling any little pinpricks of awareness dancing around in the pit of my belly.

  “Everything okay, Cassidy?”

  Surprised by the question, I say, “Yeah, everything’s fine. Why do you ask?” My cheeks feel as if they’re burning up. In that quiet way of his, he continues watching me. Sometimes it feels as if Luke is completely attuned to all my thoughts and emotions. It’s a disconcerting feeling and yet… I don’t know…

  For some reason, one I don’t quite understand- or maybe I do, maybe it all ties back to what happened last year, I feel like I can talk to Luke. Like I can actually drop all the bullshit pretenses and just be honest with him. And there aren’t many people I feel that way with.

  I bite down on my bottom lip as indecision fills me because it would feel so good to talk with someone about everything that’s going on right now. It’s not like I can just pop into Dr. Thompson’s office anymore. I never realized just how much I’d begun to depend on her until I stopped going to the counseling center.

  I miss her objective opinion and thoughtful questions.

  I’ve spent the last ten and a half months working with a therapist. This is the first time I haven’t had someone to sit down and unload on. I guess I could talk with Brooklyn but she has her own crap that she’s trying to wade through. The last thing she needs is to get mired down in my drama.

  And Cole… well, I still haven’t figured out how to tell him about my relationship with his mother.

  So there’s no one left to confide in.

  “It just seems like something’s on your mind.” He gives me just a bit of a half-smile before adding, “And we’re friends, right?” He waits for me to nod in agreement before continuing, “If you need help with something, I’ve got a strong shoulder to lean on. You can always talk to me.”

  He’s right… he really does have strong shoulders.

  Although that’s probably not what he meant.

  Even though it might be a mistake, everything within me relaxes as his words bounce around in my head. I mean, he’s right. We are friends. He’s never been anything but a friend to me.

  Inhaling a big breath, I let it out slowly. In the few seconds it takes me to do that, it’s like the floodgates suddenly open and the words come pouring out of my mouth before I even realize that I’m saying them. “I met Cole’s family this weekend. His mother is the therapist I’ve been seeing here at school.”

  His dark blond brows shoot up across his forehead before he lets out a long slow whistle.

  Inwardly I wince. Because yeah… that just about sums it up.

  Apparently this situation is just as bad as I thought it was. Perfect.

  “Does Cole know?”

  With my eyes holding his, I silently shake my head.

  He makes another face and I’m tempted to crumple up a used piece of notebook paper and throw it at him. Actually, that’s exactly what I do. For just a moment he looks shocked as the wadded up ball of paper hits him square in the chest.

  Then he bursts out laughing. A few of the students working close to us glare in our general direction. As they return to their work, I go back to glowering at Luke for finding humor in my sucky situation.

  Rather quickly he stifles his laughter before straightening up and leaning towards me. “Sorry. This is a completely serious and jacked up problem. Please continue.”

  Narrowing my eyes, I continue scowling because he isn’t telling me anything I don’t already know. And had I realized he would actually laugh at me, I wouldn’t have bothered telling him in the first place. “Just so you know, I’m two seconds away from packing up and leaving.”

  With the utmost of seriousness, he finally says, “Well obviously you need to tell Cole. When you actually think about it, it’s not really that big of a deal.”

  Umm, yeah, it is…

  Biting down on my lip, I finally mutter, “I’ve told her… intimate details about our relationship.”

  Again his brows slide upwards but this time he’s smart enough not to chuckle. Or I would have to make good on that earlier threat to walk.

  “Look, whether you told her or not, she would have suspected that you two were, ah, doing things. I mean, come on, you’re both in college. Like I just said, it’s not that big of a deal.”

  I’m pretty sure there’s a hopeful expression on my face as I ask, “You really don’t think so?”

  “I really don’t.” Leaning even further towards me, he says quietly but firmly, “Look, you went through a lot last year and Cole knows that. He accepts it. Whether he realizes it or not, you’ve had a lot of shit to work through. You were seeing her before you even met him. Her being your therapist doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of things. You just need to get it all out in the open and then you’ll feel better about it.”

  “Yeah,” I say thoughtfully, wondering if it really could be that simple, “I guess that’s true.”

  Reaching out, he takes my hand in his own before squeezing it lightly. His eyes hold mine. “If Cole loves you as much as you think he does, he’ll understand. It’s just that simple.”

  Exhaling a breath, I turn his words over in my head. I think he’s probably right. Cole will end up understanding. It really isn’t that big of a deal. What was I worried about anyway? Inhaling a deep breath, I force it out slowly before a tentative smile lifts the corners of my lips.

  Hearing Luke’s perspective on this has made me feel so much better about things. “You’re right. I’m going to talk to him about it as soon as I can.” Because the sooner I can get this out in the open, the better off I’ll feel about the situation. Maybe then I can even stop in and see Dr. Thompson.

  At least say goodbye to her.

  Finally. I have a plan. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off me.

  Smiling in return, he lets go of my hand before pick
ing up his phone. “I wish I had more time to talk but I’ve got to get going, it’s almost six. I still have to eat and get over to the rink.”

  Wait… what?

  Six?

  It can’t be that late already!

  Gasping, I search around for my phone before finding it beneath a few papers. The moment my fingers wrap around it, I hit the button that lights up the screen. Oh my god, he’s right! It’s six o’clock! All those good feelings that had just been surging through me instantly dissolve leaving panic and dread in their place.

  Crap!

  I was supposed to meet Cole at the Union at five thirty. I can’t believe how much time has slipped by. I remember glancing at my phone and it was five o’clock. How did a whole hour slide by so quickly? It doesn’t even feel like Luke and I were talking for all that long. I almost groan because there are three missed calls and a slew of unanswered text messages which I didn’t hear because I had my phone on silent. Usually when I’m studying at the library, my phone is sitting on the table right beside me. Somehow it got buried under a handful of papers. Jerking to my feet, I quickly shove my books into my bag.

  “Cassidy?”

  I realize that Luke is also on his feet. Concern is etched in every line of his face.

  “I’m late,” I babble, “I was supposed to meet Cole for dinner at five thirty. I completely lost track of time.”

  “Okay. Calm down. I’m sure he’ll understand. It happens.”

  Taking a deep breath, I stare at him. He’s probably right. I mean, I hope he’s right. I just feel terrible that this happened. Biting my lip, I can’t help but think that Cole and I are a little out of sync right now and I don’t know why.

  Or maybe I do…

  There just seems to be a lot of things standing in our way. And Luke is right. I need to talk with him soon. Tomorrow. There’s no time to do it now and this isn’t the kind of conversation I want to have before he goes out on the ice for a game.

  Nodding, I give him a hasty wave before literally running off. As I’m racing down a flight of stairs, I quickly call Cole praying that he answers and won’t be too pissed that I accidently blew him off. Once again it flits unwantedly through my head that things between us have felt a little off. Ever since that afternoon he saw Luke and me together at the Union.