Don't Leave

by Jennifer Sucevic

  And we’ve both been so busy lately. Him with classes and his hockey schedule and me with classes, hockey, and tutoring in the math center. It’s becoming more and more difficult to carve out time for one another and when we do, I miss it.

  “Cassidy?” His tone is full of concern and I feel bad that he’s thinking something could be wrong. “Where are you? Is everything okay?”

  The worry pricking his voice has me feeling like crap.

  “I’m so sorry that I flaked on you. I was at the library studying and I turned the ringer off on my phone.”

  “Are you still at the library?” No longer is there concern lacing his voice but thankfully he doesn’t sound angry either. Some of the tension that had been gripping me slowly starts to drain away.

  “I’m leaving right now.” I’m actually huffing as I reach the glass doors that lead outside. “I can meet you at the Union if you’re still there. It’ll only take me a few minutes.” If I literally run my ass off, that is. But I’d do it just to spend a few moments with him before his game.

  “No, I had to grab something without you. I’ve got to head over to the rink and start getting ready. I’m already in the car. Stay where you are and I’ll pick you up and take you back to the dorms on my way.”

  Disconnecting, I inhale a deep breath before shoving my phone back into my bag. A few moments later Cole rolls up and I quickly dash over to his electric blue Mustang before sliding in next to him. He lets the car idle as he leans over, pressing a lingering kiss against my lips. And just like that, a little piece of normal falls into place between us.

  Pulling a few inches away, I can’t help but apologize again, “I’m so sorry about missing dinner. I was reading econ and completely lost track of time.”

  His lips quirk up at the corners into a lopsided smile. Of course it melts my heart. “Wow… thrown aside for economics.” His eyes crinkle at the corners. “Talk about a massive blow to my ego.”

  I can’t help but match his lighthearted smile as I give him a heavy lidded look before whispering, “Well, economics is pretty damn sexy.”

  In the blink of an eye, he nips at my neck and I squeal before giggling. “I’m kidding! You’re way sexier than arbitrage, fiscal drag, and monetary policy.”

  “It would be seriously sad if I wasn’t.” With a grin still hovering around the corners of his mouth, he kisses me. Those gorgeous lips of his slide seductively across mine, taking me to a place where I can barely think.

  God but I love the way he kisses me.

  I love the way his hands stroke slowly over my body, heating me up from the inside out.

  Or the way his thick arm muscles flex and shift when they’re banding around me.

  His tongue slips into my mouth, rubbing against mine, slowly exploring every part of me until I’m not sure where he begins and I end. Groaning, I suddenly wish we could go back to his place.

  When he finally pulls away, I’m able to see the heat lighting his eyes and it turns me on even more than I already am. “Are you still planning on coming to the game or do you have too much work?”

  Shaking my head I say, “No, I was able to get most of it done.” I wouldn’t miss one of his games for anything. I can’t help but smile because Cole makes me happy. And I want to make him happy in return. Even though I do have some work to finish up, I want to support him just like he’s always there to support me. “I’ll be there. I promise.”

  His dimples flash and pop as he grins. And my heart stutters in response. I seriously love those dimples of his. “Good.”

  Just as he’s leaning towards me again, there’s a loud knock on the passenger side window. Startled by the unexpected noise, both of us jump apart before turning towards the door. Something uncomfortable twists in the pit of my belly when I see Luke standing on the other side, staring at us.

  “What the hell does he want?” Cole mutters the words under his breath but I still hear them. He doesn’t let me go either. His arms stay firmly wrapped around me.

  A moment later he hits the button to unroll the window. Luke leans down, resting his forearms against the car so that his face is level with ours. His eyes touch mine before sliding to Cole who is sitting tensely behind me. “Hey, Cole.”

  Cole jerks his chin in response. “What’s up?”

  Luke’s eyes arrow back to mine before fastening on them. “You forgot your econ notebook. I wasn’t sure if you needed it tonight.” He hands me the notebook and I realize as I take it from him that my fingers are trembling. “You took off so quickly.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper. For some reason it feels as if I’m locked between these two guys. But that’s not how it is. I’m with Cole. Not Luke. All I want is to diffuse the thick stifling tension that is radiating in the air between them.

  As if sensing the oppressiveness of it, Luke quickly nods before taking a step back and straightening to his full height. “I’ve gotta get going.” His eyes briefly touch upon Cole’s again. “See you later.”

  I assume that Cole nods in response because he doesn’t say another word. By the time I blink my eyes, Luke is striding back towards the library and Cole is jerking his arms from around me. Abruptly he throws the car into gear before peeling away from the curb. With shaking fingers, I fumble with the seatbelt before finally snapping it in place. Not knowing what to say, I nervously glance over at Cole trying to silently assess the damage.

  My heart squeezes painfully because I can all but see the anger shimmering around him. His lips are compressed in a thin tight line. His eyes are fixed on the road ahead of him as he white knuckles the steering wheel. I gulp not knowing how to make what just happened better.

  But what exactly am I trying to make better, I suddenly wonder.

  I haven’t done anything wrong. Not really...

  I studied at the library with a friend. And it wasn’t like it was planned. Luke being there was a total coincidence. Nothing more. We weren’t sneaking around behind Cole’s back or anything.

  “Cole?” I whisper his name because I’m not quite sure what to say in the face of his anger. I shouldn’t have to apologize for studying with Luke. But that’s exactly the way it feels. The words are on the tip of my tongue because all I really want is for everything to be okay between us.

  And it’s not.

  For a long agonizing moment he keeps his eyes focused on the road ahead of him. He doesn’t say anything. I can’t help but fidget uncomfortably in the thick silence that now fills the Mustang.

  “You weren’t going to tell me, were you?”

  It’s a question… and yet it’s not.

  My heart races, pounding harshly under my breast as my eyes slide from him to the windshield in front of me. Was I going to tell him? I… I don’t know. Studying with Luke at the library didn’t seem like a big deal but I knew… knew that it would bother him. It’s why I hesitated to sit down with Luke in the first place.

  “Cassidy?”

  My eyes snap back to him. “I don’t know,” I finally whisper. “We were just studying. It wasn’t planned. He was just there and,” I shrug my shoulders helplessly, “he asked me to sit with him. That’s it. It wasn’t a big deal.”

  When his eyes finally break away from the road to glance at me, I can’t help but notice all the hurt and distrust swimming around within them. After divulging everything that happened last year, I told myself that I wouldn’t keep anything else from him.

  It’s impossible to build a healthy relationship on lies and omissions.

  If ten months of therapy have taught me anything, it’s that and yet it feels like I’m keeping so many secrets from Cole right now. And that’s not what I want for our relationship because already I can see the damage it’s causing.

  His brows draw together. “If it wasn’t a big deal, then why didn’t you just tell me?”

  Releasing a pent up breath, I shake my head at my own stupidity. Keeping this from him was thoughtless on my part and I see that now. All I’ve done is give him a rea
son to distrust me. “Because I know you don’t want me spending time with Luke and I didn’t want you to worry.”

  After a long moment, he finally murmurs, “Then why does it feel like I should be worried?”

  Chapter Sixteen

  “So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong, because you’ve been all sad bastard ever since you came back from the library.” She adds a very unattractive snort before continuing, “And quite honestly, I can’t imagine any huge drama unfolding over there.” Brooklyn gives me her best tell-me-what-the-hell-is-going-on look as we sit in the bleachers waiting for the game to get under way.

  Unable to stand the way she’s eyeballing me, I finally mutter, “No.” I keep my eyes trained on the Zamboni as it slowly sweeps water over the ice to smooth out all the rough patches. I can’t stop my mind from tumbling back to the ride home with Cole.

  I just wish I’d handled the whole situation differently. I should have found my own table to work at. Then none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t be feeling as if Cole and I are on the verge of something terrible.

  Unfortunately Brooklyn isn’t taking the hint that I’m not in the mood to discuss my own cluster fuck of a situation. “No- there’s nothing wrong or no- you’re not going to tell me what it is.”

  “I’m going with what’s behind door number two.”

  Before she’s able to respond, the Zamboni disappears into a garage type door at the far end of the ice. In the blink of an eye, both teams jump onto the ice for warm ups. Almost immediately my eyes fasten onto Cole as he stretches, making wide circles on their half of the ice. There must be something in my eyes that clues Brooklyn in to what’s going on.

  “I should have known this had something to do with Cole.”

  Feeling defeated, I shake my head. “I really don’t want to talk about it right now. There’s too much going on and I just need some time to mull it over.”

  She throws her hands up in the air like I’m the one who’s breaking some kind of friendship code by not spilling my guts to her. Does that really make me a lousy friend? I have no idea. Maybe it does.

  “Far be it for me to try and help.”

  Finally I turn to her with a sad little smile marring my face before I reach out, grabbing her hand with my own. “I’m sorry.” I can’t help but huff out a tired breath. “You and I are quite the pair, aren’t we?”

  Almost unwillingly her eyes fasten onto Austin as he circles the ice with the team. A small frown pulls at the corners of her lips as she watches him. “Yeah, I suppose we are.” A few moments later her eyes cloud as she nudges my shoulder with her own. “Why is that couple down there scoping you out? It’s kind of creepy.”

  Glancing down a few rows, my eyes collide with Dr. Thompson’s. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she and Thomas are here supporting Cole. But I am. It never occurred to me that I might run into them again.

  Shifting on the hard bench, I say, “Um, that’s Cole’s parents.” My throat suddenly feels as if it’s constricting as my heart beats an uncomfortable tattoo against my chest.

  “Who’s the chick with them? Is that his sister?” She pauses before frowning. “Does he even have a sister? Because for some reason, I didn’t think he did.”

  It’s all I can do to rip my eyes away from Dr. Thompson’s intense gaze. Only to have it land on Cole’s ex-girlfriend, Jackie. She, however, isn’t aware of my presence. Instead, she’s talking rather animatedly with Thomas as if they’ve known each other forever.

  Which, I guess, they probably have.

  For some reason, the fact that Jackie is sitting with his parents has a giant lump settling in the middle of my throat because not only did she and Cole go out for two years but they’ve been friends for more than a decade.

  Staring at the three of them sitting there, I realize I’ll never have that with Cole. I’ll never feel like I’m part of his family the way Jackie does. There are just too many obstacles standing in our way. That thought crashes into me like a ton of bricks, leaving me to feel as if I’m gasping for breath.

  “That’s Cole’s ex-girlfriend.” My voice sounds thin and reedy, even to my own ears.

  Brooklyn quirks an eyebrow at me before her gaze all but falls onto Jackie again.

  “If she’s the ex-girlfriend, then why is she sitting with them?”

  “She and Cole grew up together. She’s a family friend, I guess.” It’s just another reminder that she belongs and I don’t. I’m suddenly wondering if Cole invited her to the game. That thought is enough to have my stomach twisting into tiny little knots.

  He wouldn’t do that… would he?

  “Hmmm.” She doesn’t say anything more than that.

  Because, really, what else is there to say?

  Not wanting to continue staring, I elbow a still gawking Brooklyn before we both turn our attention back to the players on the ice who are now moving through passing and shooting drills. Glancing at the clock, I’m relieved that the game will start in less than five minutes. I just want this over with.

  What sucks is that before the whole library incident, I had really been looking forward to watching Cole play tonight. Now, I’m not sure where Cole and I even stand. After he dropped me off, I couldn’t help but feel as if there had been so much left unsaid between us and not enough time to sort it all out.

  Unconsciously my eyes drift back to Cole’s mother and stepfather. A thick jolt slices through me when I realize that I’m now being scrutinized by Jackie.

  Brooklyn nudges me in the shoulder again. “Well, someone sure knows who you are.”

  A soft sigh leaves my body as I continue holding Jackie’s eyes. “She introduced herself at the party on Halloween and we sort of had a conversation.”

  Her head literally whips towards mine in surprise. The look on her face would actually be comical if there were anything remotely funny about this situation. “What?”

  I jerk my shoulders into a tight shrug not really wanting to delve into it right now. Especially with Jackie watching. “Cole never really said what happened between them and she was kind enough to fill in all the blanks.”

  “Oh did she now?” That response is given in a totally speculative kind of way. Add the narrowed eyes and the thin, pursed lips and you have a complete visual.

  My voice lowers as everything she said cycles viciously through my mind again. “Yeah.”

  “Did she also fill you in on just how she’s trolling to get him back?”

  Now it’s my head that is snapping towards her in surprise. I’m sure there’s an incredulous expression on my face. “How did you figure that out already?”

  Giving me a rather patronizing look, Brooklyn snorts. “It’s pretty freaking obvious.”

  “Well, she was very nice about the whole thing.” I give her a wry smile. “Not bitchy at all.”

  In a show of solidary, she slings an arm around my shoulders before pulling me close just as the game is set to start. “You should have told me. Jeez, Cassidy, I feel like you’re totally keeping me out of the loop.”

  I give a little laugh before adding, “Yeah, well, I feel the same way, Ms. Friends-With-Benefits.”

  She chuckles, nudging her shoulder into mine. “I was embarrassed, what can I say?”

  Just as the puck is dropped at center ice, I send up a quick little prayer of thanks that Brooklyn and I have reconnected this year. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her humor and support throughout all this. Probably be the stressed out, screwed up mess I was before.

  “Having feelings for someone you like shouldn’t embarrass you.”

  She doesn’t say anything to that as we watch the Wolves steal the puck before racing to the net. That’s one thing I love about hockey- it’s fast paced action from start to finish. There’s never any down time. No ninth inning stretch. No time for boredom to set in.

  Even though it’s a great game, it’s hard to find any enjoyment or pleasure in watching it. My mind is too wrapped up in all the pro
blems that have cropped up between us. “You know, I thought the hard part would be telling Cole about my past. But what we’re dealing with now doesn’t feel any easier.”

  With her eyes focused on the game, Brooklyn says, “It’s just an ex-girlfriend, Cass. Cole loves you. Not her. There’s nothing to deal with.”

  I really wish that was the only thing standing between us. But it’s not. At the moment it feels as if there is a huge yawning chasm separating us and I have absolutely no idea how to bridge it. Instead of dwelling on our boy problems, Brooklyn and I munch on popcorn all the while watching Austin and Cole dominate on the ice. Even though he’s having a good game, I can tell something isn’t right.

  He just seems… I don’t know… off.

  He’s playing with a lot more aggression than he normally does. I’ve learned over the past few months that Cole is a smart player who understands the fundamentals of the game. He hits when it’s necessary and advantageous to the team. And his hits are always clean and legal. He’s not one to draw a penalty for being cheap.

  Just as I’m thinking that, Cole slams into an Eastern Mavericks forward. Because of the sheer force of his hit, they both go crashing into the boards. The entire crowd winces at the reverberation that ripples throughout the chilly arena. Feeling stunned, I watch as the other player drops to the ice.

  It’s hardly a surprise when Cole receives a penalty for roughing. To make matters worse, he argues with the ref the entire time he’s skating over to the penalty box before throwing himself inside. After slumping onto the bench, one of his coaches rips him a new one. I can’t help but watch the guy’s arms fly around as he yells. Feeling stunned, I shift uncomfortably in my seat.

  Leaning towards me, Brooklyn looks just as surprised as I’m feeling. “What’s up with him?” Brooklyn may not totally grasp all the finer points of the game, but she knows enough to realize that this isn’t a normal occurrence for Cole.

  I close my eyes for just a moment not wanting to believe that Cole’s play has anything to do with what happened between us earlier… but I know deep down that it does.