A hot rush of tears instantly fills my eyes as I quickly shake my head. “Nothing is going on between us. I would never cheat on you.”
“Yeah well, unfortunately someone I trusted said those very words to me and I’m not about to let it happen again.” His eyes drop to his fingers which are now secured tightly in front of him. “I think Luke being the one to save you that night has messed with your head and you either feel beholden to him or you really have feelings that are deeper than friendship.” He pauses as his hollowed out eyes cut back to mine. “I think you need to figure that out without worrying about me.”
When I start shaking my head, he abruptly gets to his feet. Once again he shoves his hands deep into his pockets. I can’t help but scramble to my feet. Even though I hate putting myself out there, I take a tentative step towards him. What I really want is to hurtle myself into his arms. I want to feel them banding around me, holding me tightly to him.
Never letting me go.
“I love you. You have to know that you’re the one I want to be with.” As I say the words, I know they’re true. I feel them deep in my heart. The fact that he feels like he can’t trust me rips me apart inside. I can’t help but wonder if maybe, without realizing it, I’ve sent Luke the wrong message. Did I somehow let him think there would be, at some point, an opportunity for us to be more than just friends?
Maybe I did.
I just don’t know.
“Cole, please…” I don’t know what I’m begging for. Forgiveness? For him to give me another chance to prove that he’s the one I love?
The way he shakes his head leaves my heart tripping. “Look Cassidy, I think we both need to take some time to figure things out. What happened out there on the ice,” his words trail off as he looks away. His face colors with a hot stain of embarrassment. “I can’t allow that to ever happen again. That’s not the kind of player I am.” He amends softly, “It’s not the kind of person I am.”
My voice is strangled when I finally say, “I know that.” I know exactly who Cole Mathews is. And it kills me to think that somehow I’ve caused this to unfold between us.
He nods. “Everything happened really fast. Maybe… maybe I pushed you too far… I don’t know anymore.”
Again I shake my head. “No, that’s not it.” My voice is so thick with unspent emotion that it feels as if I’m all but choking on it.
Before the words even leave his mouth, he moves hastily towards the door. “I need to take a step back and clear my head. I think we both do.”
My shoulders slump because I suddenly realize that nothing I say is going to change his mind. In a way, this doesn’t surprise me because he’s just being honest and he’s doing what he thinks is best, not only for himself, but for me as well.
“Is… is this it then?”
No matter how hard I try, I simply can’t wrap my lips around the words- break up. I’m trying so damn hard to keep it all together and if I say those two little words, the tears pricking the back of my eyes are going to start falling. And I don’t think I could bear to hear him say them either. I don’t want him to tell me that we’re over. That he’s moving on with his life and I need to do the same.
I think about the empty shell of a person I was before I met him. Just going through the motions. Scared of getting too close. Afraid of letting someone get to know the real me. The me who fucked up and made a huge mess out of her life.
God but I don’t want to go back to that again.
“If you have feelings for Luke, you need to explore them. You owe it to yourself to be in a relationship with the person you truly want.”
Swallowing thickly, he slowly reaches his hand out towards me, towards my cheek, but then pulls it back at the very last moment. “We both need to take some time to figure out what we want.”
I bite down almost savagely on my lower lip so that I won’t break down and beg him not to do this. Unable to speak, I jerk my head into a tight nod. Even though it’s a small movement, it takes a herculean effort.
Just as I do, his arm snakes out, hauling me to him until I’m flush against his hard immovable body. His golden eyes scour mine right before his lips crash down, dragging me under with him. And for just one brief blissful moment, I’m consumed with him. He’s all I taste. All I feel. Just as I’m sinking into his caress, he suddenly wrenches himself away.
With one last soulful look, he leaves my room. When the door finally closes behind him, softly clicking into place, my knees buckle and I collapse onto the bed because I just let the best thing in my life walk out the door.
Chapter Eighteen
“Cass, I know you’re hurting. Trust me, I do. But you have to snap out of it.” Brooklyn shoots me a concerned glance as we continue walking before adding, “You’re beginning to scare me.”
Snap out of it.
If only I could…
If only it were that easy.
It feels like I’ve been sleep walking through a thick, dense fog for the past ten days. Other than breaking up with Cole, I don’t think I could tell you what else happened. And everything has suffered because of it.
I keep telling myself that I have to pull it together. Because there is no way I can fail out of school again. Especially now that I’m just starting to make progress with my parents. Meeting with them last week and having everything go smoothly was the only bright spot in an otherwise crap week.
Well, a crap ten days, to be exact.
If I’d held out even a tiny scrap of hope that this whole thing with Cole was just going to blow over, that hope has been fully extinguished. I’ve barely seen him. There hasn’t been one single text or call exchanged between us. He’s pretty much disappeared from my life as if he were never really a part of it. And even though we still have psychology 201 together every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, he now slides into the back of the lecture hall next to his cousin, Sammy.
“I’m fine. Everything is fine.”
That’s my new mantra.
But I don’t think it’s working. Otherwise I wouldn’t be such a mess.
It’s all I can do to hoist the corners of my mouth into something that hopefully resembles an anemic looking smile. For the past week and a half all I’ve been doing is going through the motions. It’s just easier that way. I’d like to think that I’m getting pretty good at it.
Or not…
With almost a year of therapy under my belt, I’ve learned how important it is to talk about your feelings, generate a plan, and face your problems head on. Well… I now remember how much easier it is to curl up into a tight ball in the corner and ignore the pain that all but throbs through every single pore of your body.
Because everything hurts.
Everything feels tender.
Like an open sore that refuses to heal.
It’s as if I’m back to square one again in the healing process. Which sucks major ass, to be quite honest.
On the bright side, at least I’m not having anxiety issues. That’s about the best I can say at this point.
Brooklyn snorts as we continue down one of the cement walkways that wind themselves through the rolling hills of Western’s campus. Both Brooklyn and I are bundled up in thick winter jackets with our hats pulled low over our ears to protect them from the icy cold winds that blow through leafless trees and around squat stone buildings. To make matters worse, we had our first snowfall the other day which made everything feel even more depressing.
“Cassidy, you are so far from fine that it’s not even funny.” She pauses for a long silent moment before adding in a serious tone, “I’m worried about you.”
I don’t bother arguing with her because the effort seems way too bothersome at this point. And then there’s the fact that she just so happens to be spot on in her assessment of the situation.
I’m not fine.
Worse- I have no idea when I’m going to be fine ever again.
I’m doing so poorly that I’ve actually kicked around the idea of sitting
down with Dr. Thompson… but I just don’t think I can face her. Brooklyn slings an arm around my shoulder before hauling me close as we trudge to our nine o’clock classes.
A small smile tips one corner of her mouth up as she says, “Who would have ever thought that we’d be having so many penis problems.”
Shaking my head, I laugh but it’s more of a pathetic hollowed out version. “Jesus Christ, Brook, we don’t have problems with penises.”
Her answer sounds deeply speculative as if she’s seriously given this topic a great deal of thought. But then again, since it involves penises, she just might have. “Sure we are. Penises usually are at the root of every girl’s problem.”
I roll my eyes before sighing. “Well Cole and his penis won’t even talk to me and you and Austin’s penis are nothing more than-”
“Fuck buddies?” She supplies with a bright smile.
I sputter out a choking sound. “That wasn’t exactly how I was going to describe it but sure, we’ll just go with that.” There’s a moment of silence between us when I think we’re both dwelling on our penis problems. “So, how’s that situation working out for you?”
She shrugs. “It’s not. The whole sleeping-with-him-to-lose-interest-in-him strategy hasn’t exactly been going as planned.”
I raise a brow not at all stunned by her pronouncement. Although I am amazed she’s admitting defeat. “No? That’s so surprising. I mean, your plan had foolproof written all over it.”
She gives me a little shove. “Oh, shut up.”
I actually chuckle in response. Although it sounds a bit rusty around the edges.
Glancing over at her, I ask, “So does that mean you’re going to finally put an end to all this hooking up business?”
Scrunching up her brows, she gives me that- are-you-off-your-fucking-rocker look. Ahhh, it’s a look I know well. This is hardly the first time she’s cast it in my direction. And it won’t be the last either.
“What kind of question is that? Of course I’m going to keep knocking boots with him. He’s freaking phenomenal in bed.” She tugs me closer until she can whisper in my ear, “And when I say phenomenal what I really mean is freaking amazing. Remember when I mentioned what he could do with that tongue of his?”
“Yes,” I laugh, “I do and I don’t want to hear about it again. The first time was scarring enough.”
She rolls her mossy green eyes. “Oh whatever.”
Plus… I kind of don’t want to remember all the delicious ways Cole uses his tongue because the thought of him doing that with another girl (or god forbid- plural) makes me sick to my stomach.
Is that why I haven’t heard from him?
Has he already gotten together with someone else?
Has he decided to give Jackie a second chance?
I don’t know and I’m not brave enough to reach out and ask.
For whatever reason, Brooklyn decides to bring our conversation full circle, which, quite honestly, I could do without. There is nothing she can say that will make me feel any better. “Listen, Cass, I know you’re really hurting over the whole Cole situation and I wish I could tell you that everything was going to work out in the end but neither one of us knows what’s going to happen. What I do know is that you’ve worked way too hard getting your ass back into college to let it all fall to shit over some guy.”
Ouch… I almost wince at her harsh words. Cole isn’t just some random dude I got mixed up with. He means so much more than that.
She pauses for just a moment as if debating whether or not to add the last kick in the ass. But here’s what I’ve come to realize about Brooklyn- she’s a serious champ when it comes to giving tough love. She’s not afraid to lay it all out there.
“You were together on and off since what? Mid-September? I know you really care about him but it hasn’t been all that long. And if he was just willing to walk away from you like that… then maybe he’s not the guy either one of us thought he was.” She eyes me as if to gauge how well I’m taking the bitch slap she’s just backhanded me with. And because I’m not bawling… yet, she adds, “You know what I’m saying is true. Maybe Cole really is a closet douchebag.”
Yes, her words give me whiplash but that doesn’t necessarily mean they aren’t true. Well, not the douchebag part. Cole is the farthest thing from a D-bag.
Even though it’s extremely painful, I slowly wrap my lips around the words before forcing them out. “I know. And you don’t have to worry. I’m not going to throw everything I’ve been working towards away. Whether I’m with Cole or not, I have to focus on the reason I’m here at school.” I suck in another deep breath praying that the words I’m about to utter are the truth because at this point, they don’t feel like it. “I’ll be okay. I will.”
Her bright green eyes sift carefully through mine. “Yeah,” she finally says, “I think you will be… eventually.”
“We both will,” I murmur. Even though my eyes are focused on the path ahead of me, on the people walking past us, I don’t really see any of it. It’s all a blur because I’m operating on autopilot.
“So are you going to reach out to him?”
I shrug. “He doesn’t want to see or talk to me right now and I feel like I should respect that decision.”
Slowly she nods her head. “Yeah, there’s nothing worse than being reduced to a stalker.”
My voice flattens. “I am not going into stalker mode.” Even if I do kind of want to stalk him. Just a tiny little bit. But that would mean jackhammering down to a whole new level of pathetic and I’m not ready to do that.
Yet.
The trouble is that I miss the hell out of Cole. I miss how easy he is to be around. How much fun we have hanging out. I miss talking with him. I miss seeing the way he looks at me. I miss being held in his arms or lying across his bare chest after we make love.
The way he just dropped out of my life feels… devastating. It’s like someone blasted a massive hole in my existence and now I’m left with nothing. Even though I have a lot going on with classes, tutoring, and the hockey team, there’s just a huge gaping hole where our friendship used to be.
It feels very empty.
“And Luke?”
“We’re just friends.” I miss Cole way too much to just start hooking up with someone else and even though Cole thought I should explore my feelings for Luke, that’s not something I’m ready to do.
She looks just the tiniest bit skeptical but doesn’t call me on it. Well, not completely. “You two have been hanging out quite a bit.”
“But that’s all we’ve been doing, Brook. I,” my words trail off as we reach the social sciences building and I catch a glimpse of Cole walking towards it.
Looking questioningly at me, Brooklyn stops as my feet unconsciously grind to a halt. All I can do is stare.
“Cass?”
But I’m unable to generate enough thoughts to even formulate a response at this point. My eyes are all but crawling over him as a new surge of sadness and heartache tear through me. All of the pain and grief I’ve been desperately trying to keep bottled up inside suddenly floods through every single pore of my body making everything feel tender and raw again.
I just want him back.
“Who’s the girl?”
Leave it to Brooklyn to cut through all the superfluous bullshit and get right down to business. I’ve been way too busy eating him up with my eyes to notice the pretty little blonde he’s walking with.
And talking to.
And smiling at.
Just kill me now and end it already. Because at this point it’s going to take way too long for me to bleed out and finally die.
“I don’t know,” I answer. Then I shrug before hoisting my best sad bastard smile. Which I think I’ve pretty much perfected over the past couple of days.
“Oh god,” she mutters darkly, “please don’t trot out the sad bastard smile. Anything but the sad bastard smile. Can’t you do any better than that?”
Ignoring he
r, I give voice to the thoughts that keep looping incessantly through my head. “It’s not my business who he spends time with.” Those words hurt like hell as I force them out. Maybe if I say them enough times, I’ll finally pound the truth through my thick skull and move on like he apparently has. “We’re not together anymore.”
My fingers rub at the spot over my heart because saying those words out loud hurts. It’s an actual physical pain that constricts my heart.
Brooklyn pulls me too her before squeezing tight as if she’s trying to force all the air out of me. Or maybe all the pain and sadness. “It’ll be okay.” She pauses before adding with a groan, “I’ve got to hustle otherwise I’m going to be late.” Making a ridiculous face, she crosses her eyes. “And you know how much I would seriously hate to miss one single unintelligible word of Professor Ling’s Calc II lecture.”
I force my lips into a thin smile because I know that’s what she wants to see. “Okay. Catch you later for dinner?”
“Definitely,” she tosses the word over her shoulder as she starts jogging towards the mathematics building which is at least a block away.
Gathering my courage, I slowly trudge my way into Dorin Hall and then towards the first floor lecture hall where psych 201 takes place. Cole has thrown me off today because he normally slinks in right before class starts and I’m always in my seat when he arrives. More than half the time, I don’t even catch a glimpse of him because I try not to turn around. I don’t need to look any more tragic than I already feel by staring at him like some pathetic stalker-type-chick who can’t move on.
Working up my courage, I pause before the lecture hall doors not really wanting to pull them open. I don’t want to see him and I certainly don’t want to see him sitting with the girl he walked into class with. I don’t need any more confirmation that he’s moved on with his life while I’m stuck feeling depressed over the sudden demise of our relationship.
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