“It’s so good to see you two talking again.” My mother gives her another little squeeze before tossing me a look that is full of happiness. “It’s just like old times, isn’t it?”
Jackie smiles in response. I say nothing to that loaded question. I mean, what the hell am I really supposed to say? We all know that this is nothing like old times.
“Okay, well, I need to run to the store to pick up more flour. I should be back in about thirty minutes.” Her gaze bounces between the pair of us before she finally exits the room giving us one more pleased look.
Jackie stares after my mother with a look of longing. “I’ve really missed her,” she finally murmurs.
“Well, you could always see if she’ll go out with you.” The words shoot out of my mouth before I can rein them back in. Not that I actually want to…
With a sigh, my ex-girlfriend plunks herself back down onto the couch. “So where’s Thomas? Is he around?”
With my eyes glued to the TV, I say, “He’s working at the hospital.”
Another thick blanket of silence falls over us as we both go back to staring at the TV. As much as I want to enjoy this game… that’s not going to happen. After five more tortuously slow minutes pass by, I decide I can’t take another moment of this.
“So, what did you want to talk about?”
The last time I saw her was at that unfortunate hockey game where I lost my shit. Which also just so happens to be the night Cassidy and I broke up. We spoke briefly when I came out of the locker room but, for obvious reasons, I was in no mood to converse after having coach all but ram his size twelve boot up my ass.
She bites her lip as if silently debating with herself just how to proceed.
Like I said before, we may have been incommunicado for a year but I still know every single look and gesture. I guess that’s what you get with more than a decade of friendship under your belt.
Finally she stammers, “I… well, I was hoping we could talk about what happened… to, um, put it behind us.” She gulps before pushing out the rest. “Maybe start over again.” Her voice becomes thinner as she runs out of steam. “We were such good friends, Cole. I miss that. I miss you.”
Her words have me snapping straight up before jerking my body towards her. “Are you serious right now?” With my eyes on her, I start shaking my head back and forth.
“You have some nerve showing up at my door after you screwed me over. And now you want to pretend that it never happened so we can magically go back to being friends again? You’re the one who shit all over our friendship, Jackie. Not me.” I can’t help but plow my fingers roughly through my hair in aggravation. “Christ. You weren’t just my girlfriend, you were my best friend. What you did totally sucked.” My eyes narrow as I inhale another deep breath. I’m trying my damnedest to remain calm and under control. Honestly, I’m not a guy who loses his shit easily.
But this… Yeah.
“Did you really think it would be that simple? That you would just waltz in here and decide we should be friends again and poof- we would be? That it could all go back to the way it was before you cheated on me?” I think there’s an excellent chance I’m frothing at the mouth right now.
She has the good grace to flush at my harsh words. It doesn’t take more than ten seconds for tears to fill her big brown eyes. Once upon a time, that would have been enough to have me backing down and apologizing but that’s no longer the case.
This girl ripped my heart out last year.
And then stomped all over it.
“I know I hurt you,” she whispers in a thick voice overflowing with unspent emotion, “I never meant for any of it to happen.”
Feeling tired and angry, I finally ask, “Seriously, what do you want from me?”
She gulps before slowly pushing out the words. “I want you to forgive me.”
Shaking my head, I actually start laughing. Kind of like a lunatic. Either she’s lost it or I have. At this point, I’m not really sure. “Yeah, I don’t think I can do that.”
“It’s been over a year, Cole. Can’t we at least try to move on?”
“I know exactly how long it’s been,” I snap. Even though I’d thought I was completely over her, over what happened between us, I realize that it’s still festering within me.
“I screwed up.” Her eyes turn pleading as she continues, “And I hurt my best friend in the process.”
The thing that sucks most is that she really had been my best friend.
I was ten years old when my dad died and she’s the one who sat up in tree house with me for hours on end while I sobbed like a little girl. I can still remember what it felt like to have those scrawny arms of hers wrapped tightly around me. Holding onto me for dear life as if I might just float away if she didn’t anchor me to the earth. I can still picture her sitting on one of our dilapidated lawn chairs while I slapped shot after shot at the net in our driveway trying desperately to channel all of my anger and rage towards something other than the drunk fucker who stole my father from me.
And then, later on in middle school, I made sure no one ever messed with her. Even though I wasn’t a fighter, I kicked anyone’s ass who gave her shit. Somewhere towards the end of my sophomore year in high school, I realized that she was the only girl I wanted to be with. That what I felt for her went way beyond friendship.
So, yeah, her betrayal cut to the bone.
And it hurt like hell.
Maybe it still does.
Sucking in a deep breath, another big fat tear slowly treks its way down her cheek. I really hate when girls cry. Even though I know exactly what would make the tears stop, I can’t wrap my lips around the words.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t right now.”
Thank god my mom’s not here. She’d want to have some impromptu therapy session where we all sit down and discuss our feelings about what happened and how we can move forward with one another.
No thanks.
“Why?” It’s a question that’s been gnawing at the back of my mind for a while now. One I haven’t really allowed myself to think about. “Why’d you do it?”
Her eyes cut away as another thick silence tries to suffocate the very life out of us. For a long moment I wonder if she’ll bother answering. Maybe she doesn’t have one. At least one she’s willing to share with me. But then her eyes arrow back to mine. Even though I don’t want to see it, hurt and pain throb and pulse within their deep dark depths.
“When I left Oakton, I thought I’d be gone for four years, get my degree, a job, and then we would settle down somewhere and start our life together.”
Yep… that pretty much sounds like the plan we had talked about.
When I don’t say anything, she continues. “And I wanted that. I wanted you.” She adds vehemently, “I always wanted you.”
Not understanding, I shake my head. “Then what the hell happened to change all that?” Because obviously something happened.
She swipes at another tear before jerking her shoulders into a tight shrug. “I don’t know. It wasn’t like I set out to cheat on you. I didn’t. I met this guy and at first, we were just friends. I liked hanging out with him. You had been my best friend for so long that I think being with him just felt normal. But the more time we spent together, the more my feelings changed. I started looking forward to being with him. And feeling that- that pull towards someone else was confusing. It made me question our relationship.”
Feeling as if I’ve just been slapped, I jerk back in my chair. “Then you should have been upfront about that. You should have pulled the plug instead of stringing me along while you were hooking up with some other dude.”
Shaking her head, tears silently slide down her pale cheeks. “At first, I-I was going to tell you. I was going to break it off.” Looking lost in the past she adds, “I thought I loved him.”
Those words shouldn’t have the power to hurt me… and yet they do.
“But I-I was wrong. What we had wasn’t real. I was
stupid and I fell for someone I shouldn’t have. We were only together for a few weeks and then it ended.” Her eyes drop to her lap. Her voice is lower, raspier when she finally continues. “At that point, I just wanted to pretend the whole thing had never happened. Being with him showed me just how much I loved you. But I was afraid that if I told you the truth, I would end up losing you. And I didn’t want to take that chance.”
I can’t believe she even considered keeping all this from me.
“But then I found out I was pregnant and I knew I couldn’t pretend that it had never happened.”
I give her a hard penetrating gaze. I’d honestly thought I couldn’t be any more pissed off about the situation.
I was wrong.
Her shoulders slump as she says in a thin reedy voice, “I didn’t want to lose you. By then I had realized what a huge mistake I’d made.”
When she had finally called me right before Thanksgiving break to tell me what was going on, I’d been too shell shocked to do anything other than shutdown. There I’d sat, holding the phone, feeling blindsided and numb. As if what was happening couldn’t possibly be real.
Not my girlfriend.
Not my best friend.
But yeah… My girlfriend. My best friend.
This is actually the first time we’ve sat down face to face and discussed what happened between us.
Christ.
I’d really thought I was over all this bullshit but I guess not, because hurt and anger are bubbling up within me like a geyser. I’m all but choking on it. I don’t even realize that my fingers are digging into the arms of the chair I’m sitting on until pain starts shooting through them. Only then do I slowly, methodically flex and relax my fingers.
Before I can say anything else, she continues, “What I did was wrong. I was stupid to ever doubt what we had. You have no idea how much I wish I would’ve just stayed in Oakton with you.” She swipes at the tears that are still running down her cheeks. “I think we would still be together if I’d done that. If there was a way for me to fix what I did, I would. In a heartbeat. I hurt you and I ruined everything we had. I’ll always regret that, Cole. I’ll always regret hurting you. Losing you.”
As she says those words, all of the hopes and dreams we’d talked about slowly roll through my head. Even though we had been young, we’d still planned a future together. But when I think about all those hopes and dreams now, Jackie isn’t the one filling my thoughts.
Cassidy is.
We may not be together right now but that doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about her. Or that I don’t still love her. And it might have been too early to be thinking about a future but… there’s this connection between us and I guess I was kind of hoping we would have a chance to figure it out.
That’s the moment it really hits me that if Jackie and I were still together, if she had actually come to Western with me, I wouldn’t have met Cassidy. We wouldn’t have had the chance to fall in love. My eyes slowly search Jackie’s and as they do, I realize that maybe what happened between us happened for a reason. Yeah, it hurt like hell but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t for the best. I’m almost surprised when some of the festering anger slowly slips away.
It really is over between us.
I don’t love her anymore… but I don’t hate her either. This is the first time I’ve actually been able to say that. As I continue staring at the girl who used to be my best friend, I feel some of the resentment fall away as well. I don’t want to hate her anymore. That kind of energy can consume you if you let it and I’m done letting it eat away at me.
“Do you think there’s any chance for us to start over? To work things out?” Big, crystal-like tears shimmer in her eyes as she holds her breath waiting for my answer.
Another startling realization is that I don’t want to hurt her. A different kind of guy would be relishing this moment and looking to mete out a little justice. Finally I shake my head. “No, there’s not.” And even though I’m not quite sure why I say the words, they feel right slipping off my tongue. “I’m sorry. It’s just not going to happen.”
Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, I watch as a few more tears trail down her face before she jerks her head in acceptance. “I didn’t think so but I had to ask.”
I nod more because I don’t know what else to do.
In a very small voice, she finally asks, “Is it because of the girl you’re seeing?”
For just a moment I don’t say anything. I’m not sure if I want to tell her about what’s going on. My personal life is no longer any of her business. But then I decide that it really doesn’t matter. Regardless of Cassidy, Jackie and I are over with. “We’re not together right now.”
Something flickers in her eyes before she hesitantly asks, “But you still love her?”
“Yes,” I admit softly. I honestly can’t imagine not loving her. I suck in a breath as that thought rips through me.
Dragging her eyes away from me, she finally nods in understanding. We both sit silently and just when I start to wonder if this whole thing is going to turn awkward again, she finally says, “If you love her, don’t let her go. Don’t make a mistake that you’ll regret for the rest of your life.”
My surprised eyes collide with hers and something within me releases before I blow out a long steady breath. “I won’t.”
Looking at Jackie, I know without a shadow of a doubt that there was a time when I loved this girl above all else. But that time is over. What we had has run its course. There’s no going back. Choices were made that sent us both spinning off onto different paths. The feelings I once had for her no longer exist.
But it doesn’t have to be that way with Cassidy. There’s still time to salvage our relationship. I’d thought I was doing what was best for both of us when I ended things. I had wanted to give her time to sort through her feelings. But maybe I’d been scared of getting my heart ripped out again. Maybe I’d let fear consume me when I shouldn’t have. Maybe what I’d really wanted was for her to prove that she wanted me more than she wanted Luke Wellington.
Instead all I did was push her right into Luke’s arms.
The corners of her lips bow up just a bit. “You’re a really good guy, Cole. You deserve to be happy.”
As those thoughts whirl through my head, I take a big breath before slowly pushing out the words. “So do you.” Most surprising is that I actually mean them. “I hope you find someone who makes you happy.”
Her eyes shine with unshed tears. But this time, I think they just might be tears of happiness. “Thank you.”
Before I can overthink it, I find myself saying, “So, do you want to hang here and watch the game with me?” I nod my head towards the kitchen. “Mom was just baking Christmas cookies.”
Her smile grows brighter. She finally looks like the girl I grew up with and even though we’ll never recapture what we once had, maybe we can actually forge something new. It’s a start, I guess.
Clearing the thick emotion from her voice, she says with just a hint of a smirk, “You know nothing would make me happier than watching Michigan get their asses handed to them.”
Did I happen to mention that Jackie is an Ohio State Buckeye fan? I shoot her a dirty look before pointing to the door. “Get out.”
She laughs with delight before settling onto the couch and for the next few hours we watch the game. And scarf down way too many Christmas cookies. It doesn’t feel like it used to when we were kids, but it does feel kind of nice.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Cole
“So what’s the deal?” Austin asks this as if I’ve gone completely off the rails. “You two aren’t together, are you?”
My eyes slide to his even though he’s looking straight ahead. “No… we’re just friends.” Sort of. I guess. Maybe. It’s all a bit tentative right now. And weird. But… better than hating her.
He doesn’t say anything for a long moment as we wind our way through campus. I know exactly how Austin feels about Jac
kie. And none of it is good. He may not know her personally, but he was there when all that shit went south last fall.
He was the one who had to pick up my depressed ass.
That is if picking up my depressed ass means getting me totally shitfaced and laid, then that’s exactly what he did. And even though I’m not into random hookups, I had my fair share of them after Jackie crapped all over me. Up until that point, I hadn’t been with anyone but her.
So… yeah.
Looking doubtful, he watches me out of the corner of his eye. His words are more or less grunted out as if he doesn’t believe me. “You sure about that?”
“Positive.” No, I won’t be traveling down that road again.
His whole body finally relaxes. “Glad to hear it.”
To fight off the wicked cold that is blasting its way through campus, we both have our hockey jackets buttoned all the way up to the top. But I live my life in a hockey rink, so what’s a little more cold, right?
“I ran into Cassidy this weekend.”
Those unexpected words are thrown out casually enough but we both know there’s absolutely nothing casual about mentioning Cassidy Jameson to me. Even though I was the one who walked away, Austin is more than aware that I’m still hung up on her just like I know he’s still chasing after Brooklyn.
“Where?” The word slips out before I can stop it. Or at the very least, before I can make it sound a hell of a lot less desperate.
Now, because I know she went home for the first time in almost a year, I also know that he didn’t run into her somewhere around here. I’m also aware that Brooklyn lives right next door to Cassidy.
So add those two things up and you get-
“I picked Brooklyn up from a party on Friday night. We hung out for a while.”
Yeah. Right. “I think what you’re trying to say is that you drove two and a half hours to get laid.” Actually, this doesn’t surprise me at all. I think that dude would drive five freaking hours one way to be with that girl. He’s got it bad.
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