Teaching Tania - the Case of the Cat Crimewave

by James Gault

  'When I get a cat, I’ll look after it carefully.'

  'As soon as my cat arrives, I’ll give her a big bowl of milk.'

  'If my cat comes tomorrow, I’ll show her to my friends.'

  'If I had a cat, I would be so happy.'

  'If my mother had given me a cat when I was younger, I would know so much about cats now.'

  'If my mother had given me a cat when I was younger, I would have made a little coat for her.'

  All of this is impeccable with respect to grammar and spelling, and I am particularly pleased that you avoided the horrible use of ‘will’ after ‘if’, which of course is (almost) never correct in English. But why do you have this obsession with cats? As I know you to be endowed with considerable imagination, I can only assume that you harbour some aspirations of becoming the owner of a feline creature in the near future.

  If this is the case, I advise you not to get your hopes up. I have just been speaking to your mother on the subjects of cats, and I must warn you that she does not share your enthusiasm. Expressions like ‘over my dead body’ would not lead you to be optimistic. If anything, she is slightly better predisposed towards dogs, although I can’t for the life of me think why.

  For example, if you throw a ball for a dog, he will, without fail, run after it, catch it between his teeth, and bring it back to you. But try throwing a ball for a cat. There is no way of telling how she will react. She may retrieve the ball, but she is just as likely to fix you with a disdainful stare, or walk away with her back bent into a dismissive arch. Cats are enigmatic, you never know what they are thinking. Dogs, on the other hand, are totally predictable and go out of their way to be amiable.

  You will have noticed that I assumed the dog was a ‘he’ and the cat was a ‘she’. This is because men have the characteristics of dogs while women have the characteristics of cats. That’s why it’s a pity that the decision about the cat lies with your Mum. If it had been a question of persuading your Dad, a man and therefore desperate to please, then there would have been no problem. But your Mum, being a woman, is an enigmatic creature whose thoughts and reactions no one can hope to fathom, particularly a man or a child. In about eight or ten years, you will be a woman yourself and therefore in a better position to understand her, but can you wait that long for a cat?

  So, although I can offer you some advice on how you may try to persuade her to change her mind, I warn you in advance not to hold out too much hope. There are four basic strategies which my own children used to use on me with considerable success. But I am a man, and therefore ‘easy meat’. And of course, any decision I made, if it had to be communicated to their mother, was almost always immediately overturned, so you know what you are up against.

  To begin with, you may try the ‘subtle hint’ method. Showing her the homework you have sent me, or spreading a large quantity of books about cats over your bed, table and sofa, is a good beginning. You may then progress to saying ‘miaow’ instead of ‘hello’ every time you see her. I leave to your imagination other manifestations of your catty interest which might be useful to display. A word of warning, however. Walking about on all fours and licking your milk from a saucer is going a bit too far.

  Blackmail is also a good method. It can be straight blackmail, for example –

  “If you don’t get me a cat I will tell Dad how much you really paid for the coat you bought last week.”

  Personally, I find this a little bit distasteful. And even if it is successful, it tends to sour your future relationships with the targeted parent, so that much of the pleasure of having the cat will be lost because your mother will hate you from then on. So I recommend instead the ‘emotional’ form of blackmail. It avoids the unpleasant side effects of the other form, and is usually more effective anyway. For this kind of blackmail, you need sentences like - “I wouldn’t be so lonely all the time if I had a cat’. This method is particularly useful for extremely soft-hearted people, like vegetarians or grandmothers seeing their daughter’s first baby. Unfortunately, piano teachers, like your Mum, are not noted for being soft-hearted. Think of all these poor piano students with striped fingers from making too many mistakes when practising.

  You could try to threaten her. Again, this is a rather desperate measure and you should only use it as a last resort. In my experience it is almost never successful. Suppose, for example, you try “If you don’t get me a cat I’ll burn the house down”.

  There are two possible outcomes. Either you get a cat, or you end up in an institution for the treatment of psychologically disturbed pyromaniacs, and I can tell you that the first of these is the least likely. So you would be well advised to avoid this sort of confrontation.

  My last suggestion is to try the ‘sympathy strategy’. You have to make your Mum feel sorry for you, and then she has to connect your misery with the lack of having a cat. It is a bit like emotional blackmail, but much more subtle, and , to be honest, it is my favourite. With this method, my daughter could get anything she wanted from me. You can evoke your Mum’s sympathy through some form of illness. Walking with a limp, or imitating a hacking cough, are two methods which have enjoyed considerable success. Beware, you need to be a good actress and you must never forget to maintain the illusion all the time – you never know who’s watching, no matter where you are. The problem with these illnesses, however, is that they are relatively simple to fake, and if your mother is of a suspicious nature (most mothers are, particularly if they are also teachers) she will remain unconvinced by a performance which would have gained an Oscar in a Hollywood film. Having an unsightly rash would help a lot, but for this you would need to either be an expert in theatrical makeup, or have a post-graduate degree in biological science. However, if you can sustain a performance convincing enough to fool a doctor, and you can drop enough hints to the doctor that a cat would be the ideal cure, then the doctor might be able to convince even the most recalcitrant mother. But you can see that this is an undertaking of major proportions.

  In short, if you really insist on the cat, you have an immense task in front of you. Have you ever thought about a goldfish or a teddy-bear?

  Best Wishes,

  Your Teacher

  J

  Chapter 4. Book Review

  Dear Tania,

  Thank you for sending me your book review. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. I agree with you, Roald Dahl is a wonderful writer and the book about witches was very interesting and funny.

  I don’t think you’re right about your Mum though. You might have been a little too influenced by her decision against having a cat in the house. I can understand your disappointment but I really do think you’ve got it wrong in the case of your Mum. As you know from your reading, witches love cats and hate children. Your mother, on the other hand, obviously doesn’t like cats at all. And, in spite of what you are thinking right now, I can promise you that your mother does love children. After all, she’s still keeping you in the house, isn’t she?

  In fact, if we were to take a logical approach, you are the one who loves cats. And just at this moment you detest people, or at least one particular non–cat-loving person. So, if we were looking for a witch in your family, it isn’t your mother who would be the principle suspect. But I am sure you are not a witch, otherwise I would be a little concerned for your Mum’s safety in the present circumstances.

  I’m really sorry you’ve taken your Mum’s decision so badly, but I did try to warn you how difficult it would be to get her to change her mind. It always was a lost cause, I’m afraid. All I can suggest now is that you abandon this particular lost cause, and take up a new cause which is at least slightly more hopeful.

  The causes which come to mind are world peace, third world poverty, and the health of the global economy. I realise that mankind has not been
too successful with any of these problems up to now, but that’s because we have put ourselves in the hands of politicians. I have already told you on several occasions what I think of politicians. What level of intelligence can someone have if he thinks that the way to world peace is to have a war? And even you, who are only learning the English language, must be able to understand the total lack of sense in a phrase like ‘We’re fighting for peace’. I am sure that, with your superior intelligence, if you forgot about cats and concentrated on one of the major problems of modern society, you could come up with something far better than anything our current world leaders have produced so far.

  Perhaps, however, you would be more interested in a cause in which children are involved. Improving relationships between children and their parents springs to mind, but in the present circumstances I don’t suppose you feel much like thinking about that just at the moment.

  You could perhaps devote some time to explaining the devious workings of children’s minds to your teachers. You remember me telling you that adults don’t remember any of their childhood experiences, so such knowledge could be extremely useful for them. I don’t mean myself, of course. As you know, I understand children perfectly, as indeed I understand everything. But I am exceptional, and you might even say unique. But at school, for example, you must have some quite ordinary teachers who would benefit form any help you could give them.

  So, to sum up, I think the best thing for you is to abandon all thoughts of cats, or indeed even animals, and to dedicate your spare time, after homework and piano practice of course, to thinking about major world problems. You may choose one of my suggestions above, or you may have some pet project of your own.

  If you would care to write the results of your deliberations as your next homework exercise, I will undertake to pass the details on to the most appropriate authorities.

  Good thinking,

  Your Teacher

  J.

  Chapter 5. A little telephone conversation

  “Hello, Prague 123456”

  “……..”

  “Oh, hello Tania’s Mum! How are you?”

  “……..”

  “Oh, that’s too bad. But at least your English grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about your spelling on the telephone. How’s Tania?”

  “……..”

  “Oh, so that’s why you’re upset. And when does she usually come home?”

  “……..”

  “I see, she should have been home half an hour ago. She’s not really very late then, is she? She’s probably having a chat to some school friends. If I were you, I’d take advantage of the peace and quiet, make a nice cup of tea, and put your feet up for a few minutes.”

  “……..”

  “Oh, you found something in her room. Can I ask what it was?”

  “……..”

  “So she wrote a note in English. It was probably her English homework. Can you read it to me?”

  “Dear loved parent (and Mum),

  I cannot live here any more without a cat. Goodbye for ever,

  Your loving daughter,

  Tania.

  P.S. The ‘loving’ is only for you, Dad.”

  “The grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about the spelling on the telephone.”

  “……..”

  “No, I’m afraid that it isn’t her homework”.

  “……..”

  “Yes, I can understand that you’re a little bit concerned, but I wouldn’t panic. Half an hour late and a little note, it’s not much”

  “……..”

  “What else?”

  “……..”

  “An open book lying on her desk. Was it in English or Russian?”

  “……..”

  “And what was this English book called?”

  “……..”

  “The adventures of Dick Whittington – yes, you’re right. There is a cat in that story”

  “……..”

  “ Oh, she’s written something in the book. I hope it wasn’t a library book. What did she write?”

  “……..”

  “Hmmm! There’s a big red circle round the word ‘LONDON’.! Interesting!”

  “……..”

  “She wrote WHAT beside this circle?”

  “……..”

  “Sounds like a good place to look for cats. Her grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about her spelling on the telephone.”

  “……..”

  “Well, yes, I’m afraid it probably does mean something. Tell me, does she have her own passport?”

  “……..”

  “She does. Is it still in the house?”

  “……..”

  “Yes, I’ll hold on a moment. You go and check”

  “……..”

  “Oh dear, her purse is gone too and her piggy bank is empty. That could be significant.”

  “……..”

  “No, I don’t actually know where she could be. But do you have any travel agents near you?”

  “……..”

  “Well maybe you could give all four of them a phone, and ask if a little girl has been there today enquiring about flights to Heathrow.”

  “……..”

  “And perhaps you could also give the police a ring. They might want to cordon off the airport.”

  “……..”

  “No, I wouldn’t worry too much. You make those phone calls and in the meantime I’ll think about what else we should do.”

  “……..”

  “Not at all, it’s my pleasure. And can I compliment you on how good your English was?”

  “……..”

  “Good bye.”

  Chapter 6. High-tech communciation.

  To : Tania@internetcafe.prague.cz

  From : jim@english.prague.cz

  Subject : STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND DON’T MOVE

  Hi Tania.

  Thanks for you e-mail. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. :-)

  First of all, let me give you some instructions. Read this e-mail, then stay where you are and I will come to collect you. I am not pleased with you. :-(

  No, there is absolutely no possibility of me going with you to the British Embassy to help you get a visa for a trip to London. In my last letter, I spoke about you solving international problems, not causing them. :-(

  I will bring your Dad with me to collect you. You Mum is still in hospital. :-( After I got the e-mail, I phoned the hospital to tell your Dad I had found you. He went to the ward and told your Mum right away. She immediately came out of the coma. :-) The doctor says that although she is in a state of shock, there is no permanent damage, and she will soon be her old self again. :-) But she must avoid stress and tension, and any mention of cats is strictly forbidden. :-( Air travel and London are also to be taboo subjects. :-( It might be a good idea to avoid all references to animals in your future homework, in case your mother inadvertedly reads it.

  Since I started teaching you, you have made some stupid mistakes, but this is even worse than saying I could to do or I must to do. :-( Please don’t make things any worse. Stay in the café, drink a Coca Cola and play some mindless computer game like a normal child of your age. :-)? Or:-(?

  Your Dad and I will be there shortly,

  Your teacher

  J

  P.S. I am considering revising my opinion about you not being a witch. :-(

  Chapter 7 Problem Solving

  Dear Tania,

  Thanks for sending me your homework. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too.

  I’m glad to hear that things are getting back to normal in your house. And I was very pleased to hear that your Mum is back home from hospital and she has her voice back. I hope she wasn’t too angry with you.

  It is indee
d strange that you are seeing so many notices about missing cats on lampposts near your flat. It is more than strange, it is worrying. It would be a really unlucky coincidence if some cat-stealing maniac has started to operate in your neighbourhood. After all the problems you caused the other day, who do you imagine will be the first suspect? If only your mother hadn’t called the army to the airport. Or at least if you hadn’t been on prime time TV news. Please, whatever you do don’t tell your mother about this latest development. We wouldn’t want her to have a relapse.

  I think it would be as well to work on a plan of action. I know the Czech police have an unparalleled reputation for being stupid, but, faced with a spate of cat-stealing crimes, even they are going to remember your escapades. And, with their bungling ways, they are certain to arrest an innocent person like you. Given the crime detection record of the police, probably the only safe thing would be to make yourself guilty by going out and stealing a few cats.

  On reflection, I think a better idea would be to provide information to the police that would make them take you off the suspects’ list. As you no doubt know from your extensive reading of detective novels, a guilty person needs to have both motive and opportunity. The police know this too, not so much as a result of training, but they too read detective novels. What else do they have to do while they are sitting about in their white cars waiting for some poor driver to exceed the speed limit by half a kilometre an hour?

  First of all, let us deal with motive. You must take every opportunity to make the police think that your interest in cats has waned. For example, should you find yourself surrounded by a large number of cats within the earshot of a member of the police force, you should say in a loud clear voice

  “ I wish there were a dog about so that I could throw him a bone.”

  Naturally, you should never stroke a cat within view of a police station, and in no circumstances should you ever allow a cat to sit on your lap. Replacing those compromising pictures on your bedroom wall with posters of large ferocious dogs would also be a good idea. But perhaps the best tactic would be to start a ‘Society for the Protection of Mice’ in your school.