Teaching Tania - the Case of the Cat Crimewave

by James Gault

  While these actions should in normal circumstances be enough to establish your innocence, you could be unfortunate enough to come across a particular suspicious and moderately intelligent police agent. Every organisation, including the Czech Constabulary, has its exceptions, and there could well be a detective who remains unconvinced by your performance, however good you may be as an actress. It is therefore important to address the question of opportunity and furnish yourself with a credible alibi for all and every occasion.

  It goes without saying that you should contrive to be alone as infrequently as possible. Even if this means joining school clubs and societies in which you have no interest, like ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ or ‘woman’s football,’ it is a small price to pay for your freedom. If you have to walk home from school alone, try singing in a very loud voice, so that people will look out of their windows and will be able to swear to the police that you could not have been at the scene of whatever crime they are trying to pin on you. Wearing outlandish clothes on these occasions will help witnesses to recognise and remember you. Sometimes, however, you will have to be alone for long periods of time, with no one to confirm that you weren’t sneaking into dark houses and removing unsuspecting cats from their warm blankets. For example, what do you do when you’re sleeping? If you snore constantly, you could try tape recording your snoring. Or you could insist that your mother locks you in your room every night, but that would be a bit dangerous in case of fire. Perhaps the best idea would be to keep your parents up all night talking. This will be very tiring for both you and your parents, but hopefully it won’t be too long before the culprit is apprehended.

  However, given the severity of the situation, I think you should adopt a more active approach. As we know, it is extremely unlikely that the Czech police will ever find the guilty party unaided, and, as long as the criminal remains at large, you will be under constant suspicion. I therefore suggest that you should undertake a little detective work on your own. Unfortunately Sherlock Holmes cannot help you directly, as he is a fictional character, and even if he weren’t he would have been dead for about a hundred years. But you have read all the books. So, given your undoubted intelligence, you should know how to go about solving what is, after all, a relatively straightforward crime.

  So, instead of doing homework, why don’t you begin the investigation now. But please be discreet and don’t draw any more attention to yourself. As soon as you have amassed a reasonable number of adequate clues, write to me. You will then be able to avail yourself of my not inconsiderable intelligence.

  Good sleuthing,

  Your teacher

  J.

  Chapter 8 More telephone conversation

  “Prague 123456”

  “………”

  “Oh, hello Tania, How are you?”

  “………”

  “That’s too bad. At least your grammar is almost perfect. I can’t tell about your spelling on the telephone. Where are you?”

  “………”

  “The Police Station! I don’t suppose you’re on a routine school trip, are you?”

  “………”

  “I was afraid you wouldn’t be. But why are you phoning me? I’m a teacher, not a lawyer”

  “………”

  “No, you were quite right not to phone your mother. It wouldn’t have done her health the least bit of good. Can you explain to me, slowly, what exactly is the problem?”

  “………”

  “I can’t really hear for the sobs. Please try to stop crying.”

  “………”

  “But what exactly were you doing in a Cat and Dog home?”

  “………”

  “No, Tania, I really don’t understand why you thought going to the Cat and Dog home was an important part of your investigation. But we can talk about that later. How did you get in?”

  “………”

  “ Did you really have to break in through a roof window.”

  “………”

  “Oh, I’m sure the cats were very cute.”

  “………”

  “And of course it would be hard to resist wanting to cuddle them.”

  “………”

  “Tania, what did you expect them to think? We’re in the middle of a crime wave of cat thefts, and the police find a broken roof window in the Cat and Dog home, and you sitting underneath it with a dozen cats in your arms.”

  “………”

  “Yes, it will take a lot of explaining”

  “………”

  “No, I don’t have any plausible explanations either”

  “………”

  “Please don’t cry. Can the policeman speak any English?”

  “………”

  “O.K. Let me talk to him.”

  “………”

  “………”

  “Hello, officer. What seems to be the problem?”

  “………”

  “But officer, children go to the Cat and Dog home all the time. Most kids are interested in animals.”

  “………”

  “You have a point, I have to concede it was a rather unconventional way of getting in.”

  “………”

  “You want to keep her all night!!! But she’s only a little girl”

  “………”

  “”What!!! In a cell with real criminals”

  “………”

  “I see, if you had some sort of guarantee of her good behaviour. Would this be a financial sort of guarantee?”

  “………”

  “How much?”

  “………”

  “That seems a bit steep”

  “………”

  “Well, that’s a bit more reasonable. And when would this sum be refunded?”

  “………”

  “Non-refundable. I see.”

  “………”

  “Yes, I appreciate there’s no other way and you’re really doing us a favour”

  “………”

  “OK I agree. What’s the address?”

  “………”

  “No, I think I can understand why the pub across the road is better for you. I’ll meet you there in fifteen minutes. Can I speak to Tania?”

  “………”

  “………”

  “Hi Tania, everything’s going to be O.K. I’ll be there to take you home in fifteen minutes.”

  “………”

  “Yes, they’re going to let you go, this time. But remember, not a word to your Mum.”

  “………”

  “Bye’.”

  Chapter 9 Synonyms for ‘lies’

  Dear Tania,

  Thank you for your report on the ‘Major Mystery of the Missing Moggie. Your grammar was almost perfect, and your spelling was excellent too. And I did like the alliteration in the title.

  First of all, I’m sorry to hear that your Mum is back in hospital. I don’t know why the police decided they had to come to your house to give you a receipt for the ‘fine’: maybe they were being investigated by their own fraud squad. But it was extremely vindictive of them to arrive at your door with their sirens screaming and their blue lights flashing. I’m not surprised your mother collapsed . But at least she’s off the life-support machine now.

  After reading your report, I can understand why you felt you had to go to the Cat and Dog home. I liked your idea about collecting the photos from the advertisements for the missing cats, and using them for identification in your investigations. Very clever! But if you had asked me, I could have told you that you wouldn’t find any of the stolen animals in the Cat and Dog home. The Home is there to find homes for cats, not to find cats for the Home. And in any case, breaking and entering through the roof window was, frankly, not a good idea, and would have been totally unworthy of your hero, Mr Holmes. He would have employe
d a ruse, and that is what you should have done.

  A ruse is a kind of a lie, but such a clever one that, if you are found out, people will not say,

  “What a wicked little girl telling such a lie”

  but

  “What an extremely intelligent young person with such a creative story.”

  Using a ruse, you can get people to do things or tell you things that they would never do in other circumstances. As you can imagine, ruses can be extremely useful to all sorts of people, for example journalists, private detectives, and, of course, small girls on the trail of a ‘catnapper’. They would also be useful to politicians and Czech policemen, but they unfortunately are not intelligent enough to think them up.

  So instead of illegally entering the Home, you might, for instance, have dressed up in a white coat and presented yourself at the front door, carrying a clipboard and a small briefcase.

  “I am”, you might have said, “an official from the environmental control office of the local authority and I wish to inspect your conditions of hygiene.” I admit, however, that an eleven year-old health inspector is not an everyday sight, and the responsible persons in the Home might not have believed you. Cat and Dog home caretakers are not usually exactly ex-brain surgeons, but you would have been extremely lucky to come across one who was an ex-Czech policeman (or an ex-politician). Perhaps a simpler ruse might have been more successful, like pretending that you wanted to give a cat a home, and asking to see what they had on offer.

  Anyway, what’s done is done. It’s too bad your Mum’s back in hospital, but at least we know for certain that the missing cats aren’t in the Cat and Dog Home. So that’s one suspect eliminated, and now we have to look for others.

  I’m afraid I have to raise a delicate and rather distasteful matter here, and I hope it won’t horrify you too much. I think you will need to check out the menus at all the local restaurants. Of course, no restaurant will have been so obvious as to add “Cat Stew’ or “Cat cooked in the Chinese Way’ to its menu, unless of course it is owned by an ex-Czech policeman. But cat meat can easily be disguised as that of another small animal, so if you find that a restaurant has recently introduced ‘Rabbit Goulash’ or “Fricassee of Small (non-domestic) Animals’, you should investigate further. Only, for your mother’s sake, don’t break in in the middle of the night! Use a ruse.

  You should pay particular attention to newly opened eating places, which, lacking establishes sources of supply, may have been tempted to find their ingredients in unconventional (and, incidently, inexpensive) ways. Remember here that with any dish of an exotic nature, where a lot of highly seasoned and spicy sauce is used, it is almost impossible to detect the real origins of the basic ingredients. In such cases, it is extremely difficult to verify the true extent of ‘chicken-ness’ in a so-called Chicken Curry.

  I think it would also be a good idea to talk to some of the unlucky owners whose cats have disappeared. Obviously, you will have to have some credible reason for interviewing these people, and here is another ideal opportunity for a really good ruse. (or subterfuge) (A synonym is always a useful weapon in your linguistic armoury).

  I do not recommend impersonating a policeman. Firstly, it is an extremely serious criminal offence, and secondly, even if you manage to find a uniform which fits you, how many people of normal intelligence do you think will swallow the idea of an eleven year-old guardian of the law? It is possible that some cat owners may be Czech policemen - although it is a statistical fact that policemen prefer dogs, and the bigger and uglier the better – but apart from these few exceptions such a ploy would, I am sure, soon be detected.

  If your mother or father have any friends who work for newspapers, they will certainly be able to help you, as it is part of their daily routine to invent clever lies. On the other hand, do not ask any politicians who might be friendly with your parents, as the members of this profession have only ever shown themselves capable of producing very stupid lies.

  If you don’t find anything better, may I suggest turning up on doorsteps with a little notebook, and claiming that you are writing an article for your school magazine. This can be very persuasive, particularly if you combine it with a really good ‘sob story’. For example, you could say that your mother is critically ill in hospital (unfortunately frequently true in your case) and that if you get a good mark for this assignment it is almost certain to bring her out of her coma. Faced with such heart rendering circumstances, well presented by a competent actress, few cat owners, who are by nature sentimental creatures, will be able to resist opening their hearts to you.

  I think, therefore, that you should continue your investigations along the lines which I have suggested. Only, please be careful, and bear in mind the delicate state of your mother’s health. If you think she suspects something, use a good ruse.

  Your teacher

  J

  Chapter 10. Even more telephone conversation

  “Hello, Prague 123456”

  “………”

  “Oh, hello Tania, how are you?”

  “………”

  “Oh, that’s too bad. But at least your grammar’s almost perfect. I can’t tell about your spelling on the telephone.”

  “………”

  “Why do you need somewhere to live? Is your Mum still in hospital?”

  “………”

  “Well, of course you can stay with us for a few days. When do you want to come?”

  “………”

  “Right now? Just a second! I’ll check with my wife. Yes, that’s OK, I’ll drive over to your house and pick you up.”

  “………”

  “Oh, you’re not at home. Where are you?”

  “………”

  “Pardon?”

  “………”

  “No, you’re kidding”

  “………”

  “What, again?”

  “………”

  “What do the police want with you this time?”

  “………”

  “Are you alone or is your Dad with you?”

  “………”

  “Oh, he’s in hospital too. I didn’t think your Dad was the nervous type.”

  “………”

  “Well, if he’s not the nervous type, why is he in hospital?”

  “………”

  “The Casualty Department?”

  “………”

  “With a broken nose and concussion. Was he in some sort of accident?”

  “………”

  “Hmmm”

  “………”

  “Hmmm”

  “………”

  “Hmmm”

  “………”

  “Perhaps he shouldn’t have told your Mum you were at the police station again. What about your Mum, is she O.K.?”

  “………”

  “She went back into a coma?”

  “………”

  “The doctor thought it was the physical effort of throwing the heavy chair at your Dad? And, your Dad, how is he now?”

  “………”

  “Still under the anaesthetic?”

  “………”

  “Well, if the doctors are sure that they’ll both recover fully quite soon, you really don’t have anything to worry about, relatively speaking.”

  “………”

  “I hope you don’t mind me asking, Tania, but you could tell me exactly why the police have taken you into custody?”

  “………”

  “Routine investigations, really?”

  “………”

  “Tania, promise me you haven’t committed any more burglaries?”

  “………”

  “And you haven’t killed anyone?”

  “………”

  “O.K., stay there! Don’t say anything! Don’t touch anything! If the police ask you any more questions, just c
ry loudly, or speak to them in Russian! I’ll be there in five minutes.”

  “………”

  “’Bye.”

  Chapter 11 Making plans

  Dear Tania,

  My wife has asked me to thank you very much for your nice letter. She also asked me to congratulate you on your nearly perfect grammar and your excellent spelling too. She says that she enjoyed having you stay with us, that your manners and behaviour were impeccable, and that she wishes all children were like you. I don’t think your parents would agree with her, just at the moment. However, I am trying to convince them that you are not a naughty or even wicked girl, but merely the victim of a series of unfortunate circumstances.

  It must be good to have your Mum and Dad back from hospital. I’m sure that your Dad will start to speak to your Mum again very soon. Once the physical pain goes, I’m certain he will quickly forget about the incident with the hospital chair. As for you, I know you think that your Dad looks very amusing with the big plaster on his nose, but do you really think calling him ‘Mr Spaceman’ is helping the situation?

  As for the case of the captured cats, given all the problems it has caused, I wish I could tell you just to drop it. But unfortunately the police now seem to have you in their sights, and drastic action is called for. You may think your parents are in a bad way just now, but what would they be like if you ended up with ten years in prison and a permanent file with the police department? Although I personally couldn’t agree with them, some people might tell you to get a good lawyer. Lawyers are cleverer than Czech policemen and more honest than politicians, but unfortunately there’s not much in it.

  (It strikes me that you are maybe thinking that I don’t have a good word to say about anyone, except of course teachers. Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. You will recall that in earlier letters I expressed an extreme admiration for cats. However, I realise that recently I have been a bit negative, probably as a result of all the unfortunate events that have occurred. So I have resolved to change my ways, and to take every opportunity to praise anyone who I feel is making a significant contribution to society in general. And let me begin by saying that doctors and other hospital workers are doing a wonderful job, particularly with regard to your family.)