Teaching Tania - the Case of the Cat Crimewave

by James Gault

  But if I were you I would forget lawyers. The only way to defend your threatened reputation is to continue your investigations, but it seems to me that now is the time to call in reinforcements. I have thought long and hard about this and I believe you need to get all your classmates from school to help you. I have considered the element of danger, but I have personally experienced a class full of boisterous eleven- year-olds and I must say I fear more for the criminals. My only hope is that the other children’s parents are more mentally stable than yours, otherwise the local hospital is likely to be overwhelmed.

  I have also thought about whether you should tell all your parents about this, but I think it is better to keep ‘mum’. In saying this, my conscience is bothering me a little and I feel a bit of a traitor to the adult world. But adults don’t tell children everything so it seems only fair that children are entitled to a few secrets too. It is also possible that there will be no more unfortunate incidents (although this would seem to be extremely unlikely where you are concerned). If you tell your parents, and nothing untowards happens, you will have worried them for no good reason. And if you tell them, and something does happen, will they be better off? Instead of worrying once, they will only have to worry twice; once when the disaster occurs and once before it, when you inform them of the possibility. And your parents especially don’t need any unnecessary worries just at this moment.

  What I propose is that your class forms a vigilante group to seek out and apprehend the cat criminals. You have already gathered a lot of useful information. In your class, there is bound to be one boy who is an expert in computers. He will be easy to recognise because he will have thick glasses, probably freckles, and will only be able to communicate using the beeps and hums you hear from Windows (trademark Microsoft) and computer games. Get him to stop writing nasty computer viruses and hacking into the CIA’s computers for a few moments, and ask him to analyse all the results of your investigation so far. He will almost certainly be able to tell you when and where the next crime will be committed. Then all you have to do is organise your intrepid group of vigilantes to prepare an ambush, and you will be able to catch the miscreant red-handed.

  There is only one request I have to make. Please don’t actually do anything without first checking with me. Your parents are in a very delicate stake, and I want if at all possible to avoid the possibility of you becoming an orphan.

  Good luck

  Your teacher

  J.

  Chapter 12. An excellent report

  Dear Tania,

  I was so pleased that your last letter had no bad news that I didn’t even notice the quality of your English. So I had to read the letter again and I’m pleased to note that both grammar and spelling are up to your usual standards.

  It’s good to know that your mother and father are the best of friends again. I wouldn’t let the fact that they are both exhibiting a certain coldness towards you worry you too much, though. If you think about recent events, you will understand why they must be predisposed to regard your every activity with a little touch of suspicion. They will probably begin to treat you normally again if the next few days pass without incident. I would advise you to try and arrange this, although with your track record, I cannot be too hopeful.

  I was delighted to hear that everything went well when you talked to your classmates.

  It was, of course, entirely my fault that the first ‘computer expert’ you approached, answering exactly to the physical description I had given you, turned out to be the city’s champion Space Invader player, but completely devoid of any real computer technical skills. However, eventually you found Honza, who seems to have exactly the qualities we are seeking. And no, I was not surprised when you told me that he had normal eyesight, no freckles, and had excellent communication skills in both Czech and English, including a wide and varied vocabulary. And I am sure you are right in thinking that his smile will be perfect too, once the dentist removes the brace.

  You see , Tania, in describing your computer genius as a short-sighted spotty nerd with limited capacity for communicating with humans, I’m afraid I fell into the trap of stereotyping. This is an extremely dangerous practice and one against which I cannot warn you too strongly.

  Stereotyping is the dubious practice of attributing to every single person in a group certain characteristics which, while prevalent among a majority, will not be exhibited by every individual. For example, when I say that Americans cannot speak English properly, I am stereotyping. Some Americans, admittedly only a very few, have an excellent knowledge and understanding of English. The great American poet of the twentieth century, T. S. Eliot, is perhaps the most outstanding example. Of course, Mr Eliot is a very untypical example of an American. Not only did he demonstrate his superior (for a citizen of the USA) intelligence by his masterful use of his ancestors’ language in his poems, but he also had the unbelievable good sense to abandon his colonial roots and to return to live in the birthplace of Anglo-Saxon culture. (I would like you to note that this eulogy to T.S. Eliot falls under the heading of ‘praise for those who have made an extraordinary contribution to society’, about which, you will remember, I spoke in my last letter.)

  The problem with stereotyping is that it reinforces our prejudices against those a little different for ourselves, and encourages world conflict, racism and war. You would think that adults, knowing this, would be a little more careful and avoid doing it, especially around children. But, you will be appalled to learn, adults are certainly no more intelligent than children and may even be significantly more stupid. Indeed, some teachers of history prepare complete lessons based entirely on stereotyping and devote their lives to brainwashing whole generations. It is only the fact that I don’t personally believe in capital punishment that prevents me from saying they should be taken out and shot.

  So I am afraid that you can expect to be exposed to the danger of stereotyping all of your life. Indeed, you may well have noticed that I myself, a gentleman of extremely liberal opinions who always tries to think the best of everyone, have been guilty of this heinous crime. Since you can’t avoid it, you must protect yourself against it, and there is only one protection – cynicism. You must believe absolutely nothing anyone tells you, until you have checked it out for yourself. This may seem a bit drastic, but believe me it is completely necessary. If you assume everyone is a liar, you will be unfortunately amazed to find out how often you are proved to be right.

  But enough moral advice for the moment! Can you pass my congratulations on to Honza for the excellent analysis of information which he carried out on his computer? Let me summarise my understanding of it here.

  The population of Prague appears to be one point three million, which is about half a million households. Approximately ten percent of households own a cat, which puts the cat population of Prague at fifty thousand. By hacking into the Czech police computers -the Czech police can work computers? - Honza has discovered that since these criminal activities started, about one hundred cat thefts are being reported every week. Ministry of the Interior sources – another excellent piece of computer hacking by Honza - estimate that only twenty percent of such crimes are ever reported. The implication is that cats are disappearing from Prague at the rate of five hundred a week. I have checked the arithmetic and it is perfect. To conclude, finally, Honza tells us that, unless this crime wave is stopped, in less than one year the Prague Cat will be an extinct species.

  I am outraged! Why have we not heard about this before? What are the authorities trying to hide? Here we are, with another environmental crisis on our hands and not a cheep from Greenpeace or Friends of the Earth. Yet another animal needing to be saved, and no internationally syndicated documentaries, no demonstrations on the streets, no public appeals for money, and no cute little badges to wear on your lapel. We are obviously faced here with a consp
iracy to hide the facts from the public.

  I can only think that some politicians in high office have a vested interest in the demise of the feline species. Their political party is perhaps secretly funded by the Canine League, or maybe they are speculating in the shares of pet food companies. Whatever the reason, the whole affairs stinks. It is in the public interest that a problem such as this be brought out into the open. There is no question in my mind that this now has to be top priority for you and your classmates. Begin work right away on the posters and banners for the demonstration in Wenceslas Square! Write indignant letters to the local newspapers! If you come across any passing TV interviewers, throw yourself in front of them and shout “Save our cats!” Search out railings in suitably prominent locations and chain yourselves to them!

  To the streets!!!

  Your teacher,

  J.

  Chapter13. Threats and menaces

  Dear Mr Anonymous,

  I acknowledge receipt of what I suppose can only be described as a ransom note. To say I was totally appalled and shocked would be an understatement. Your knowledge of the English language is abysmal, your grammar woeful, and your spelling terrible. If you have to communicate with me again, I would advise you to let Tania write the letter herself. This will achieve two objectives. Firstly, I will have some chance of understanding what it is you want to say. And secondly it will show that if you haven’t been keeping Tania in pristine condition, you have at least been maintaining her in functioning order.

  Let me also tell you that if you think you can hide behind a pseudonym like ‘anonymous’, you can jolly well think again. In reading your atrocious English I detected numerous signs of ‘first language interference’ from the Italian language, most probably from the most southerly parts of that country. Given the criminal tendencies which you expressed in your letter, I deduce with a high degree of confidence that you have some connection with the organisation known popularly as the ‘Mafia’. I can also point out that the ‘dead letter drop’ methods you used to transmit your communication to me are known only to a few senior Czech officials from the communist era, and a limited number of ex-KGB agents. How many ex-KGB agents who speak Italian as their first language do you think there are? I’m hot on your trail, Mr ‘so-called’ Anonymous!

  So if I were you I would abandon this whole stupid project and release Tania right now. You should remember that she is Russian. And while Russia is no longer the great world power it once was, it still wields a lot of influence, and is certainly much more important than Italy. Italy is famous for old paintings, wine and spaghetti, while Russia is famous for nuclear weapons, the Red Army and the KGB. So which country would you choose in a major world conflict? And remember, the Russians look after their own.

  If you are still thinking of continuing with this madness and holding on to her, I must warn you that if you stay too long in proximity to Tania there is an unbelievably high probability that you will suffer some serious misfortune, probably of a painful nature. If you don’t believe me, all you have to do is ask her parents. They can be contacted at Homolka Hospital in Prague 5.

  As to the demands you made in your letter, quite frankly you can forget them. The League for the Defence of Innocent Cats has no intention of ceasing its activities, in spite of the abduction of its leader. Following her TV appearances, your kidnap victim has become something of a national celebrity, and her disappearance is beginning to attract just the sort of media attention you are trying to avoid. This crazy adventure on which you have embarked can do nothing but harm to your cause, whatever it may be.

  Finally, let me remind you that while the theft of a few cats may be regarded by some – not by me and my friends, of course – as a rather amusing and trivial crime, stealing a small child is viewed in an entirely different light by the authorities. The penalties are severe. So do the sensible thing and let her go immediately,

  I trust you will come to your senses soon and save yourself a lot of trouble in the future,

  Yours faithfully,

  Tania’s teacher.

  J. Edgar Gault.

  Chapter 14 Expressing condolences

  Dear Tania’s Dad,

  I am writing to express how sorry I was to hear about your sudden illness. I know that your incapacity will prevent you from reading this letter personally, but perhaps one of the nurses will read it to you, or at least hold it up in front of your face so that you can read it yourself. The plaster casts make life very difficult, don’t they?

  I think we can both appreciate that Tania’s Mum was less than happy when she heard about her daughter’s kidnapping, and so it was not surprising that she began to chase you all round the room with a shovel. It was a bit unfortunate that you fell over the armchair, and even more unfortunate that you broke both legs. And I suppose that, finding herself with the shovel in her hand, your wife felt she had to do something with it, hence your two broken arms. The police, I believe, still haven’t found a satisfactory explanation for the two black eyes.

  All in all, though, you are a very lucky person. Had your wife not passed out from a surfeit of emotion when she did, you might have received some serious and permanent damage to your body. As it is, you will be as right as rain in a few months, so no harm done, eh?

  As for your spouse, she is still in the coma. I have recorded some soothing words of comfort on an audiocassette, and the nurses are playing it over and over to her, but it has had no effect so far. I’m afraid this recording includes some white lies, because there is as yet no immediate sign of your daughter’s release.

  But I don’t want you to worry. Although we haven’t yet secured Tania’s freedom, I am quietly optimistic. The good news is that whoever is holding her has strong connections with the Italian Mafia and the Russian KGB. So I think you’ll agree we’re pretty close to identifying them. And while I can’t place too much confidence in the local police, Tania’s classmates are taking up arms and, as you know, there is nothing more off-putting than a bunch of eleven-year-olds brandishing back-packs.

  And finally, but perhaps most importantly, I have myself been in communication with these bandits, and I have sent them a letter worded in the strongest possible terms. If that doesn’t bring them to their senses, I don’t know what will.

  So you can see that your daughter’s fate is in good hands. Concentrate on getting well, and look on the bright side of things. Enjoy the brief respite from the nagging of the two women in your life.

  Get well soon

  Tania’s teacher,

  J.

  Chapter 15 Progress report

  Dear Honza,

  Thanks for your letter. Your grammar was almost perfect and your spelling was excellent too. Not as good as Tania’s, I’m afraid, but then you have the misfortune not to have me as your teacher.

  No, I haven’t had any further communication from the kidnappers yet. I have been phoning the hospitals every day, asking if they have admitted one or more Italian men in business suits, probably with scars on one or both cheeks, suffering from either multiple fractures or mental hysteria. So far I have drawn a blank. I can only assume that captivity has subdued Tania somewhat.

  It was nice of you to visit Tania’s parents in hospital. Yes, her Dad was the one who looks like a mummy. I’m sure he was really pleased to see you, it’s just that having the face totally covered in plaster inhibits the expression of emotions a little. The bottle of vodka was a nice thought, though. If I remember I’ll take a straw with me the next time I visit.

  And it was a happy coincidence that you were there just when her Mum came round. I don’t know why she fainted again when you told her you were Tania’s absolutely closest friend. Maybe she was shocked by your brace. Who can tell, Tania’s mum is a woman?

  Even at your tender age, Honza, it is well as to know that no one can understand women exc
ept, of course, other women. Such understanding is denied to men and children, and, being an eleven-year-old boy, you are doubly disadvantaged. As a pedagogue, I would love to be able to help you with this problem, but some things are beyond the capability of even the greatest teacher. But although I cannot help you understand women, I can help you understand why you can never understand them.

  You see, Honza, my boy, women are exactly like computer software. Have you ever been working at the computer when the program suddenly takes a huff and refuses to do anything or even speak to you? Women do that. Or have you ever used that annoying word processing program which interrupts you constantly with suggestions you don’t need or want? Women do that too. And have you ever carefully and meticulously entered instructions into a computer only to watch it do something entirely different from what you told it. Women again! I have come to the conclusion that when God made women he was working for Microsoft.

  Since your hobby is computers you will understand that a computer is only a collection of simple components. Made into a TV or a video-recorder, these components function normally, but in a computer they are out of control. Women are made from the same simple ingredients as men, but while men are as reliable as a modern TV, every woman is exactly like a complicated network of five million PCs.

  This is bad news for your friendship with Tania, who, as a child, is still fairly straightforward and easy to understand. But it is her inevitable destiny to be transformed into the female version of the adult species, and then she will be lost to you for ever.

  The only good news I have you as far as women are concerned is that your hobby is an ideal preparation for the rigours of married life, should you choose to follow such a drastic course of action in later years. First of all, your experience with computers will have developed your tolerance and patience to levels approaching those needed for a successful marital relationship. And secondly, you will spend hours at your keyboard, thereby avoiding potentially dangerous contact with your spouse.