Broken Dreams Boxset

by Rebecca Barber

  I was about to do the one thing that Maggie had accused me of. The one thing that I promised myself I’d never do again. I stepped past her, dropping a kiss on her forehead before I walked away. Nothing good would come of me staying a second longer. Saying anything more. We both needed time to digest everything that had just gone down. At least I know I did.

  Upstairs, I stood in the hallway filled with indecision. As much as I wanted to crawl back into our bed, the bed we’d bought together, I didn’t think Maggie would appreciate it. Instead, I slipped into the spare bedroom and climbed into bed. It was already after one, and I doubted I’d get much sleep but I had to try.

  ***

  Rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, I squinted at the clock. To say I was surprised was an understatement. I felt like I hadn’t slept a wink, yet it was already after ten. Stretching my arms out over my head, I tried to work the aches and pains out. This bed was shit. And there was a spring that had been digging into my side all night. As soon as I could, this mattress was going straight in the bin. The kinks in my back weren’t even comparable to the pounding migraine I was fighting.

  After a quick shower and swallowing down a handful of painkillers, I headed downstairs not really sure what I was walking in to. I had no idea if Maggie was still here or if, true to form, she’d hightailed out of here before first light.

  Curled up on the lounge, her pink, sock-covered feet poking out the edge, Maggie snored softly. It was like music to my ears. The cute combination of snores and snorts sounded like home. I hated that she was on the couch and not upstairs tucked in our bed where she should be. But this was a start. Grabbing the blanket from the other chair, I draped it over her. After standing there, watching the rise and fall of her chest, I headed into the kitchen and made myself a coffee.

  Sitting there in the quiet drinking it, I replayed last night’s conversation. How did everything get so fucked up? How did I let it? But more importantly, what did I do now?

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  MAGGIE

  Mum pounced on me the moment I made it through the front door. I don’t know if she was more worried because I hadn’t come home last night or because it was barely two in the afternoon and I was falling through the door in raggedy old yoga pants and a stained sweatshirt.

  “Maggie! Where the hell have you been?”

  “Mum! I’m fine. It’s fine.”

  “Don’t fine me, young lady.”

  “Well, can you at least let me in the front door before you start the interrogation?”

  Although she didn’t look happy about it, she stepped aside and let me squeeze by. Heading straight for my room; I needed a shower and some food before we did this. Starting the shower, I heard Mum’s complaining begin and decided she could wait. This couldn’t.

  I thought the drive home would clear my head or at least lift the fog, but it had done nothing but cloud it more, if that was at all possible. Last night, or was it early this morning, I’d let everything go. All those thoughts and fears I’d held onto for years, the secrets I’d kept and the emotions I’d buried and forced to the back of my mind came out in a tsunami of pain. I knew my words had hurt Drew. They’d cut him deep and, even now, hours later I knew he was tending to the wounds I’d inflicted. The moment had to happen. It was one that had been building for years, always lurking just below the surface waiting for the opportunity to drag me under and cut me to shreds. What I hadn’t been counting on though, was how much it hurt me to say those words. I’d thought I’d feel relieved. Lighter somehow. Free from their burden.

  But I didn’t.

  Not at all.

  If anything, I felt like shit. Like I palmed my pain off and made it Drew’s. That’s not what I wanted. At least I didn’t think it was.

  When a loud rapping rattled the bathroom door, I knew time was up. Mum was obviously pissed and she wasn’t about to let me hide any longer. Shutting off the water, I towel dried my hair before piling it on top of my head and pulling on some pyjamas.

  By the time I shuffled into the kitchen, Mum had a steaming bowl of thick, rich tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich waiting for me. When she handed me a glass of milk, I gulped. She was pulling out the big guns. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was back. I knew I wasn’t going to like what happened next.

  “Sit. Eat.”

  Not risking the argument, I did as I was told. There was something about comfort food made by your mum. I could make my own grilled cheese sandwich but it never tasted the same. It never had the same effect. It never calmed my raging mind and steadied my racing heart. While I inhaled the food, Mum made herself a cup of tea before the scraping sound of the chair against the linoleum floor stole my appetite.

  “Feel better?” she asked, and I had a sneaking suspicion she wasn’t talking about the food.

  “Mmmm,” I replied non-committedly.

  “Am I to assume you were with Drew last night?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Don’t talk with your mouthful. I taught you better than that.”

  This woman. There was a reason I’d been so damn annoyed at Drew’s interference with me trying to find an apartment.

  Finishing my mouthful, I swallowed before taking a long drink of my milk. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a glass of milk. “What are you getting at, Mum? Do you have an issue with me spending time with Drew?”

  “Don’t be silly, Maggie. Of course I don’t.”

  “Then what? What is it?”

  “How long do you plan to keep doing this?”

  “Doing what? What exactly is it that you think I’m doing?” Exasperated and already tired of having this argument, I pushed the leftovers away, ignoring my stomach as it protested.

  “Leading him on. Giving him hope. Playing games.”

  “I’m not playing games!” Bloody hell. She was my mother. She was supposed to be on my side. She was supposed to have my back. Always. Even if she didn’t agree with what I was doing or saying, Mum should’ve always been on my team.

  “Aren’t you?”

  “No! I’m not.”

  “So, you’ve worked it all out then?”

  “Not everything.”

  “Maggie…”

  “Look, Mum, there’s a lot of stuff, stuff you don’t know about that we need to work through. This isn’t something that can be fixed in one night.” I hated that I was trying to justify myself to her. I was having a hard-enough time explaining it to myself.

  “And is that what you want?”

  “Is what what I want?”

  “To fix things? To save your marriage?”

  “I…I…” Fuck! Even though I knew that was the big question hanging over our heads, it was one I didn’t have an answer for yet. Every time I thought I did, it slipped through my fingers like a stranger in the night.

  “Maybe you need to take a step back and think about what it is that YOU want, sweetheart.” When Mum wrapped her arm around my shoulders, I breathed in her familiar scent and tears filled my eyes. That was the thing about hugs from your mother. They took away the pain and put everything into perspective.

  “I did. I have.”

  “And what did you decide? You know, no matter what you choose, I’ll always be here. And you can stay here as long as you need to. Your room is always here for you.”

  “I thought I had it all figured out. That’s why I went to Africa.”

  “And now?”

  I hated that Mum could read me so easily. Or maybe it was just that the lost, confused and scared look covered my face that gave me away. “Now, I don’t know.”

  “Sweetheart, that’s okay. You don’t have to have all the answers today.” For a long moment we sat there quietly, Mum rubbing her hand up and down my back, soothing me.

  “Drew wants me to move home.”

  “I know.”

  “Yeah, I forgot that.”

  “What do you think about it? Do you want to live there with him?�
��

  Well wasn’t that the question of the day? It was the one that had kept me awake most of the night as I wandered around the house like a freak. It seemed like every which way I turned, I was confronted with memories. Beautiful and painful memories. The hallway was lined with photos of past adventures Drew and I had taken back when we were younger and filled with hope. On the bedroom dresser, my jewellery box sat buried beneath a layer of dust. Opening the camel bone box, I fingered the necklaces and bracelets there. Pulling out the gold locket with the ruby under my initials, I squeezed the heart it in my hand, almost as if I’d been trying to summon the memory before hugging it to my chest. It was a gift from my Dad. I would have been maybe ten years old when he’d given it to me, and I thought it was the most precious thing in the world. To me, it was. My dad had given me a gold necklace. Now he was gone. I’d been robbed. He’d been taken too soon and I’d been left without him. Anything he’d ever given me, anything he’d ever touched, anything he’d ever said was now something I treasured and clung to, maybe more than someone my age should, but I didn’t give a flying fuck. I wasn’t about to apologise for missing him. Not today or any other day.

  “I think I need to.”

  It wasn’t what I was expecting to say, and I don’t know where the idea came from, but once I’d said it out loud, I realised how true it was.

  “It might be what you need, but is it what you truly want?”

  “I don’t know. All I know is that if I don’t try I’ll always be wondering what if. What if we didn’t try and fix it? What if I walk away? What if Drew’s the one for me? It’s what I always believed, why am I doubting that now?”

  “Don’t forget Maggie, he did ask for a divorce.”

  “Do you think I’ve forgotten that? That I could ever forget that?”

  “That’s not what I…”

  “Yeah, Drew asked for it, but looking back it had been coming for a long time. Neither of us were happy. He was just the only one brave enough to put it out there. We need time. Time and space to figure this out. Do I know if everything will be okay in the end? No. I wish I did. I really do. I wish more than anything that I had a crystal ball that could show me what our happily ever after looked like, but I don’t. So, all I have is belief. I believe in Drew. He loves me.”

  “You’re sure?”

  Pushing Mum’s arm off me, I stomped away. My frustration was bubbling. Even though I knew what she was doing; she wasn’t second-guessing my decisions, she was playing devil’s advocate. Forcing me to look at every angle. I both loved and loathed her for it.

  “No. But I have to try.”

  “If that’s what you want to do, I’m right behind you. Every step of the way.”

  “Thanks, Mum.”

  After giving her a hug, I headed back to my room and scooped up the huge pile of laundry that was piling up. Even though I told Mum I was planning on going home, I still hadn’t told Drew. I wasn’t ready to. Just because I had every intention of going home, it didn’t mean I had to do it right this second. A decent night’s sleep and the space to take a breath was high on my priority list. Tossing it in the machine, I wandered back to the bedroom and lay down. I don’t know if it was the shitty night’s sleep on the couch or the million and one emotions swirling in my mind that had left me completely drained and ready for a nap.

  It took me two days.

  Two days to get my head together.

  Two days to summon the courage.

  Two days of ignoring my phone and the world.

  I got up in the morning, went to work and came home again. At night I read a book and tried to avoid binging on ice cream and chocolate. I had enough problems at the moment. My arse expanding even further wouldn’t help anything.

  DREW

  It’d been the longest couple of days of my life. I was trying not to crowd her and to give her the space she thought she needed, but it was tearing me apart. I had absolutely no patience. That had run out weeks ago. Now I was climbing the walls, waiting for Maggie to make a decision that would change my whole life. The not being in control, the fact that the whole thing was out of my hands was doing my head in.

  I kept trying to stop myself from racing over to Maggie’s mother’s place and begging her to talk to me. Begging her to tell me what she was thinking. What she needed. Thank god for Justin. Instead of letting me go crazy, he got me out of the house and took my mind off things. When he picked me up, only hours after Maggie had left me standing there feeling like a complete idiot, I was hoping our first stop was the pub. I’d refused to drink at home alone like a loser. It was too dangerous. A slippery slope I had no intention of sliding down anytime soon.

  We arrived at the driving range to find Nick and Brody already waiting. And by waiting, I mean, the wings were ordered and beers were sitting in an ice bucket. I looked over at Justin and he just shrugged. “Thought you could use a night off.”

  “Night off?”

  “He means away from the ball and chain.”

  Ouch. His words rubbed me the wrong way, but I couldn’t blame him. He had no fucking idea what had gone down between me and Maggie. It was my fault. I’d kept so much to myself.

  “Are we here to gossip like a bunch of women or are we going to hit balls?” Justin asked, popping the cap off a beer and handing it to me.

  As soon as the cold brew slid down my throat, I felt a cool calmness settle over me. For the next twenty minutes we hit balls, none of us doing a particularly great job and talking crap. I missed hanging out with these idiots. It was so easy. We talked about the football and bagged the crap out of Nick, whose team was sitting quite lonely down the bottom of the ladder.

  “You boys waiting on wings?”

  Spinning around I came face to face with a perfectly perky set of boobs. Standing there, holding two trays of delicious smelling wings, was a young woman, too young for any of us, wearing a tight white tank top with her boobs spilling out the top and a wide, innocent smile. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Justin, Nick and Brody with their mouths gaping open. I don’t think it was the wings they were drooling over.

  “Yeah. Thanks,” I muttered barely coherently.

  She turned around and set them on the table. When she bent over to grab the empty bottles on the ground, I heard a growl come from behind me.

  “Brody!” I scolded under my breath.

  Not that I could blame him. My own pants were tightening at the sight. She had on the tightest black pants I’d ever seen. They looked like they were painted on. And I was getting a close enough view to know there was nothing on under them.

  When she strutted away, overly exaggerating the sway on those hips I could imagine grabbing hold of her and bending her over the table. When I turned around, I saw Nick chewing on a wing, barbeque sauce all over his face and his eyes glued to her arse.

  “What I would do to…”

  “Justin!”

  “What?”

  “She’s young enough to be your daughter!”

  “Hey! I’m not that old.”

  “Your grey hair, glasses and old-man car would suggest otherwise.”

  While Brody pummelled Nick, I swiped a wing and took a big bite. With thick, sticky sauce all over my face and fingers, I turned to him and smarted, “Go order more beers.”

  “Who do you think is your beer wench?”

  “You, Brody. I’ll take another Corona.”

  Justin must have picked up on what I was doing. “And don’t forget to get her number.”

  “Whose number?

  After some back slapping and taunts, Brody shuffled off, and I took my turn with the golf club. Damn I was shit at this. I was hitting and hacking and getting nowhere even near the hundred-metre target. Giving up sooner than I normally would’ve, I instead focused on stuffing my face and kicking back with a beer and my feet up.

  Brody strutted back up the stairs, a shit-eating grin plastered across his face as he fanned himself with a napkin.

  “Where’s my beer?”


  “Alyssa will bring it up in a bit, arsehole.”

  “Who’s Alyssa?”

  “Who do you think?”

  “Oooh. You got a name.”

  “I got more than that.” With a wink, Brody grabbed a club from the bag and took his shot. And like the cocky bastard he was, he nailed it. A perfect shot.

  Before we could give him any more shit for it, those perky tits and pants that would have to be peeled off, slowly, appeared. Oh, yeah, and so did our beer.

  “You boys want anything else?”

  Nick said what we were all thinking. “I know Brody does.”

  Her eyes shot to Brody as she blushed, making her look even younger. Thankfully she was serving booze which meant she was at least legal. Even if only barely. Brody liked to talk a big game, but given he was pussying out gave him away. “All good. Thanks.” With a non-committal nod, she scurried away like someone had set her perfectly straight hair on fire.

  “She looks like fun.”

  “Fuck, Justin. Do you ever not think with your dick?”

  “What’s to think about?”

  “One day some chick is going to knock you on your arse and your days of being a slut will be done and dusted.”

  “Fuck no!”

  “Fine, some dude is going to…”

  “Ouch! That hurt you cock smoker.” Nick rubbed his arm where Brody had knocked him one. He probably deserved the punch, but it was funny as hell.

  “Suck it up, princess.”

  “Bite me, bitch.”

  Hanging with these guys was exactly what I needed to take my mind off all the drama and bullshit at home. Even though I considered telling them and asking for their opinion, we were having such a good time busting Brody’s balls, I wasn’t about to dump my shit on them.

  When Justin dropped me off, I headed up into the dark, depressing house. It wasn’t until the moment I walked through the front door, that I realised just how big it was. The silence was strangling me. After hurrying around, turning on every light, I grabbed another beer from the fridge. If anyone found out about me sitting there like a terrified teenage girl afraid of the dark, I’d be asked to hand in my man card.