Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

by Asprin, Robert

  “You must learn to do without it, my dear,” Zol told her soothingly, patting her hand. “It isn't safe to fill your mind with falsehood.”

  “But I liked it! Can't I just have it for a while?”

  “Oh, you must wean yourselves away from it. You should be as you were before, true to yourself!”

  “How?” a male demanded hoarsely. “How can we do that? How can we do without them?”

  “Help us!” a female pleaded, clutching my arm. “I don't want to give it up!”

  “You need to be strong!” the little gray man shouted, his thin voice almost swallowed by the woe of those around him. “Believe in yourselves! That is all you need to do! Rely upon one another!”

  “He knows what he's talking about,” I told the Scammies who lifted tear-​stained faces to me. “That's Zol Icty, the self-​help expert.”

  “Zol Icty!”

  Desperate for any kind of comfort now that the Pervects' false vision had been taken away from them the crowd swelled in upon us. People shoved in close to me, shouting questions. They were so distraught they were crushing me. I used magik to open up a little space, but there were so many people I was hurting the ones nearest me. Bunny let out a yelp of distress. Hastily I grabbed her around the waist and swung her up onto the span of the bridge, then jumped up beside her.

  “Advise us, wise strangers!” a Scammie pleaded, reach?ing for us.

  The protest had attracted the attention of the people in the courthouse. Police officers came boiling out of the en?trance. Officer Gelli spotted me and pointed.

  “The wizard! After him!”

  In my haste to get out of the crowd, I had accidentally placed myself in plain view. I pulled the D-​hopper out of my boot and set it for Wuh.

  “Tananda! Zol!” I cried. They glanced up. I pointed at the dozens of policemen racing towards us.

  Down in the midst of the crowd I saw Tananda starting her bump-​and-​grind transportation charm. Zol, in the thick of everything, seemed perfectly calm. He tipped me a wink. Reassured, I pressed the stud.

  The coolness of Wuh's pale-​gray skies rushed in on me

  like a welcome splash of water. I gasped for air and let go of Bunny's hand. We were safe and sound in Mont?gomery's tavern. Tananda appeared next to us and brushed back her magnificent hair with both hands.

  “That was just a little too cozy,” Tananda articulated, shaking her shoulders, a movement that hypnotized me on the spot. “I prefer to be introduced before I get that close.”

  “You are back!” Wensley cheered, rising from the table in the corner. “You are saved from Durance Vile! I rejoice!”

  Gleep, too, noticed our return. He sprang up and came hurtling toward me like a cannonball. After the delicious smells on Scamaroni, his stench hit me before he did. I went down on my back with him slurping my face. I gagged, but I was pleased, too. The Wuhses might have been spoiling him, but he missed me.

  “That was a close call,” I stated, climbing back on my feet. I wiped the slime off my face with my sleeve.

  Gleep looked sad that I was disposing of his token of af?fection. I grabbed his head and scratched energetically around his ears. He slitted his eyes and let his body fall sideways to the floor in bliss.

  “But where is Master Zol?” Wensley inquired.

  Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

  SEVENTEEN

  "The only thing dumber than sticking your head

  in the lion's mouth is doing it twice."

  Ñc. bailey

  “Uh-​oh,” I groaned. I looked around. The Kobold did not reappear. We waited. And waited. “Uh-​oh.”

  “Perhaps he went home,” Bunny suggested. “We didn't clarify where we should meet.”

  Another long pause, during which we just couldn't seem to talk about anything.

  “He must have gotten arrested,” Tananda said at last.

  “Uh-​oh,” I reiterated. I got to my feet. “All right. We'll have to go back for him.”

  “You can't,” Tananda reminded me.

  “I can if I wear a disguise and stay away from their magik dispellers,” I pointed out. “We have to go get him. No one knows he broke any of those mindbending goggles. They only saw me. He's part of our company. You wouldn't leave me in jail; I can't abandon him.”

  “Bravo,” Tananda applauded, patting her hands together softly. Bunny regarded me with affection.

  “But what about the Perverts?” Wensley babbled, ner-

  vously. “It would seem to me, though perhaps I am not see?ing the big picture, that your attentions have focused them?selves, probably with justification, upon a different situation. Not that Master Zol has not been a great help, but we still suffer from the effects of that government not of our own choosing.”

  “You don't have to worry about most of the Pervect Ten,” I replied confidently. “Eight of them were arrested by the Scammies!”

  “What?” Tananda and Bunny chorused.

  I explained what had happened when they had gone on ahead of me. “... And it sounded like they are all going to be stuck in jail on Scamaroni for a long time. A magik-​proof jail. I'm not saying it'll be easy to pry out the other two, but once they know eight of their number are doing time in another dimension, I don't see them staying around long. And even if they stay, they can hardly thwart the wishes of a whole nation. You can run rings around them.”

  “Oh, Master Skeeve!” Wensley gushed. “You ... you are the most average wizard I have ever met!”

  I frowned.

  “That's a compliment,” Bunny reminded me gently.

  “I know,” I sighed. “It just doesn't sound like one.”

  Magik-​proof the Scamaroni jail and courthouse might be; damage resistant they were less so. Tananda and I had planned to sneak back by ourselves and liberate Zol, possi?bly enlisting the help of the guard she had, er, bribed, but Bunny insisted on going along.

  We hid underneath the drawbridge until the foot traffic in the street thinned out in the wee hours of the morning. The guards on duty marched just above us. I was waiting for them to sit down so they wouldn't fall when we hit them with the Assassin sleeping spell that Tananda knew.

  But they never settled down anywhere. I wouldn't have,

  either, if I had had to listen to the banging and pounding that was coming from inside the station. Loud shrieks rang out, only lightly muffled by the twelve-​foot thick stone walls.

  “The Pervects aren't taking incarceration calmly, are they?” Bunny whispered to me.

  Wham! The wall just overhead shook, as if a dragon had slammed into it. Male voices joined in the cacophony.

  “Shut up or we'll chain you up!” a guard yelled.

  “You and what army?” shrilled a female voice.

  “Police brutality!” bellowed another.

  “Let us out, or we'll let ourselves out!”

  “Never! The Volute Jail has never had a successful es?cape!” a male announced proudly, but the sentence ended in a hesitation. After all, had I not departed unexpectedly only that day?

  The footsteps overhead became more agitated by the moment.

  “We're never going to get rid of them,” Tananda mur?mured.

  “Sure we will,” I assured. “They're afraid of a jailbreak. We'll give them one.”

  From my long, slow promenade that afternoon I knew every inch of that drawbridge. It was no trouble at all to create the illusion of two heavily armed female Pervects dropping to the stone path from above the door, then run?ning down the bridge toward the town.

  The effect on the sentries was electric.

  “They're getting away!” one yelled. “Raise the alarm! Two of the Perverts got out!” Sprinting footsteps pattered away into the distance, along with the faint yellow light of the glowing torches they'd grabbed off the wall sconces.

  “What? What?” came from inside. But the two guards were-​already in pursuit of my illusion. I listened carefully. The sentries' alarm had spread. Within moments, a troop o
f guards and police officers raced out and down into the street, following their fellow guards' lights.

  Tananda grinned at me as she swung a hook over the side of the bridge. I levitated, pulling Bunny with me by her wrists. I lowered her lightly until her toes touched down, then swung in as far as I could into the darkened doorway. We all alit without noise, and tiptoed in.

  As soon as we crossed the threshold I felt the chill sen?sation of the dampening spell. It didn't render me physi?cally cold, but it stripped away from me all connection with the natural energy lines, something I'd come to asso?ciate with heat. As Aahz had trained me to, I had filled up my inner reservoir with as much power as I could hold, though it would do me no good in here.

  The false escape had thrown the building into chaos. Half-​dressed guards with veins showing in their protuber?ant brown eyes and their hair still mussed from sleep yanked on uniform tunics as they ran up and down the halls. No one seemed to know what he or she was doing. Following Tananda's lead, we flitted from shadow to shadow, ducking out of the sight of the hurrying guards. We made our way back to the cells.

  Where I heard banging and yelling I knew I would not find our Kobold. I tiptoed to the first quiet door I could find and leaned close to the crack at the bottom.

  “Zol?” I whispered.

  “Who is that?” a voice bellowed from across the hall. The banging ceased for a moment. “Who's out there?”

  I should have realized how keen Pervects' hearing was. “Zol, are you in there?” I repeated.

  No answer. I heard a hiss, and looked up. Tananda was clinging to the keystone arch above the cell door. Bunny was perched on a rafter over her head. Tananda offered me a hand and helped me swing up just in time to avoid a pa?trol of three Scammies striding in, carrying lit torches.

  “Prisoner check!” announced the lead guard, though he looked as though he'd rather face wild spider-​bears buck naked. They started to insert the key in the first lock. A

  thundering blow from the other side shook the door so much the key almost hopped out.

  “You let me out of here at once!” It was the eldest fe?male. “You boys are going to be sorry you mistreated an old lady! When I tell your mothers what you've been up to ... !” She left the threat unfinished, but it had its desired effect. The guards trembled and moved back. The sergeant, sweating, pulled the key out.

  “That one's secure,” he told them. They moved nervous?ly along to the next cell.

  By this time the other Pervects had heard the footsteps in the hallway. They were all clamoring to get out, threat?ening the guards with dire physical harm. I paid attention to the cells that the guards didn't visit. Either those were empty, or they contained non-​Pervect prisoners.

  Boom! Crash! Screech! The noise was the ideal cover as we went from one quiet cell to another. Once the guards had gone we were able to split up. In a few moments we met in a doorway.

  “I don't hear him,” Tananda whispered. “I don't think he's here.”

  “Where would they be keeping him?” Bunny asked.

  We were interrupted by a bright Prring! like a doorbell being rung. Sudden silence descended. We all looked at one another. Wide-​eyed with alarm, Bunny clapped one hand over her mouth, and the other over Bytina, in the pouch at her waist. The PDA had made that noise.

  I didn't have time to chide Bunny for not telling the lit?tle computer to be quiet. Suddenly, the entire building burst into life. The Pervects started pounding on their cell doors again. Shouting erupted all around us. We may not have had access to magik, but we flew out of the cell block and headed toward the exit.

  Luckily the confusion prevented anyone from paying close attention to us. Scammies ran up and back with torches, stopping one another at sword's point, and diving

  in and out of doorways. Whenever a section of hallway emptied, we traversed it, hiding in pools of shadow. The entrance, whose threshold I never thought I would have to cross again in my life, loomed up ahead of us. Beyond it, the sky was lightening. Morning had broken. An apron of light was just beginning to spread down the hall. Would we reach it?

  As we were scurrying along the last few yards, a huge shadow loomed up in front of us. I froze. There was nowhere to hide. We'd been discovered. Any moment now, the guard would shout out the alarm, and this time we would all be locked in a cell next to the Pervects.

  “Scootie!” Tananda squealed, throwing herself into the guard's arms.

  “Tananda,” the guard replied, torn between pleasure and embarrassment.

  “Where have you been?” she asked, gesturing behind her back for us to keep moving. “I've been looking for you.”

  “Uh, I can't now,” Scootie said, nervously. “We had an escape. Uh... I'm not supposed to say anything about that.”

  “Oh, I wouldn't tell,” Tananda promised him, cuddling close. “You're so brave, chasing prisoners. I bet they were armed and dangerous!”

  “Uh, not exactly ...” We tiptoed behind the Scammie, whose entire attention was being commanded by Tananda.

  “Scootari!”

  “Uh, I gotta go,” Scootie pleaded, extricating himself with some difficulty.

  “Oh, must you?” Tananda cooed. By this time we were outside, plastered against the wall just beyond the door. I threw an illusion on myself and Bunny to make us look like the missing sentries. Tananda came sauntering out.

  “Let's go,” she chirped, straightening her belt and tidy?ing her hair. “He couldn't stay.”

  I gave Tananda a Scammie face to wear, too, and added the flower-​smell illusion that had initially kept us from discov?ery. The three of us found a quiet corner table in a local cafe to get some breakfast. I sat with my back to the wall, keeping an eye on the interplay in the room. The whole town was frantic about the purported escape of prisoners from the jail.

  “I heard a wizard vanished out of the building, right in front of the judge,” a female said, pouring opaque, pale blue liquid into her morning cup. She spooned yellow crys?tals in, and stirred the resulting green soup with a narrow metal stick, the local equivalent of a spoon that would fit into the small round mouths.

  “I heard it was three of them, all green and scaly!” a big male exclaimed.

  'That makes four,“ calculated the table server, a slender male in his early years. ”That's almost an army."

  “An army escaped?” asked an old female, coming in the door. “Preserve us! An army of demons!” She backed out of the door and scurried away as fast as her feeble legs would carry her.

  I shook my head over my plate. These people really would believe anything. I was partly to blame for the mass hysteria brewing. I meant to undo as much of the damage as I could, but first we had to find Zol.

  Bunny arranged herself with her back to the rest of the room, and opened up Bytina. She tilted the little magik mirror so the two of us could see it, too: there was one handsome parchment envelope visible on the desktop. In a twinkling Bunny tapped both forefingers onto the hand-​shaped button.

  “I shall be delayed quite a bit, dear Bunny,” the message read. "I don't know if you are cross-​dimensionally en-

  abled, so you may not get this immediately. I hope you will not be too worried about me. As soon as I can get free I will rejoin you." The ornate signature was already familiar to me from the flyleaf of Zol's book.

  “He's still got his notebook.” Bunny breathed a sigh of relief.

  “But where is he being held?” I asked.

  “I don't know. How can we find him?”

  Tananda aimed a fingernail at Bytina. “Does it... or, should I say, she ... have any ideas?”

  “Do you, sweetie?” Bunny asked, stroking the little de?vice with her fingertip.

  Apparently she did. A blank correspondence card ap?peared in the center of the mirror. A long, fluffy quill dropped into view, dipped itself into an inkwell, and wrote upon the creamy whiteness, “Where are you?” The pen and ink vanished, and the card slid into an envelope marked 'To Zol Icty." The sea
led letter dropped out of sight, leav?ing the mirror blank. The PDA hummed as though it was proud of itself. Bunny petted it some more.

  “Isn't she clever?” my assistant beamed. I rolled my eyes.

  We were in the middle of a second round of doughnuts and hot drinks when the ringing sound came that we had learned to associate with engraved messages being deliv?ered to Bytina. Bunny opened the little compact. We all crowded around the tiny mirror to see what it had received.

  It wasn't a message. Instead, Zol's pale oval face looked at us out of the mirror. “Oh, how fortunate to see all three of you,” he exclaimed. “I am here on Scamaroni.”

  “So are we,” I replied, relieved that he looked well and unharmed, though there were deep circles around his huge dark eyes. “We're in a cafe just off the main street, about three blocks from the jail.”

  “I can't come to you right now,” the little gray man re?sponded, with a shake of his head. “I'm afraid I'm tied up.”

  'Tied up!“ I echoed, ready to spring to my feet. ”Well,

  we're here to rescue you. What kind of vile dungeon have they got you imprisoned in?"

  There was a long pause, while Zol's whole face twisted strangely. I glanced at Bunny to see if Bytina was causing it to distort. It was a moment before he answered me.

  “Good friend Skeeve, I think you misunderstand my circumstances, though I am proud that you have my best interests in mind. I must clarify: I cannot leave my present location because I have quite a number of people who need my services. Perhaps you can join me?”

  I must have goggled. Bunny grabbed Bytina out of my hands. “Where?” she demanded.

  “I'm in an open-​air cafe down by the river, running a group encounter session to help wean the Scammies from those evil goggles. If you walk sunward from the correc?tions facility bridge, you will soon see me.”

  “Sure,” I agreed, faintly puzzled. We paid our bill, then followed his directions.

  Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

  EIGHTEEN

  "Finding yourself takes a long time,