Myth 13 - Myth Alliances

by Asprin, Robert

  and costs a lot of money."

  Ñs. freud

  Cresting the top of a hill on the street that led away from the jail, I could not immediately spot Zol Icty. There was too much of a crowd. Down near the small bistro were a thousand or more Scammies. They were all sitting or lying down on the blue-​green grass on the bank, facing the cen?ter, where our little gray man sat at a table furnished with a teapot, a cup and saucer, and lofty stacks of his latest book. Every one of the audience members seemed to be in a blissful trance, smiling vacantly. The thin voice of our companion rose and fell in a sing-​song tone. The heads nodded in unison when he spoke.

  "... Once you have really looked inside yourself and know who you really are, you can begin to understand the wonder that is you. You need no artificial stimulants or de?vices to enhance the very you-​ness of you. You have but to face your reality, and be satisfied with it. It doesn't matter if your acquaintances have riches or opportunities that you lack Ñyou have your identity, your uniqueness, and that is

  more precious than gold, more interesting than any false storyteller. Be true to yourselves."

  Eyelids fluttering, Bunny let out a huge sigh. Groaning, I led my friends down toward Zol. If there was anything more painful than realizing his advice was off-​kilter, it was listening to his mumbo-​jumbo. In my opinion it was the verbal equivalent of illusions, disguising the reality under?neath. But people seemed to respond to it. The rapt expres?sions were as fixed as anything I'd seen in hypnosis subjects.

  Halfway down the slope I noticed that the site was sur?rounded by dozens of police officers. I skirted them ner?vously. They, too, were smiling contentedly. I spotted Officers Gelli and Koblinz. They saluted me pleasantly when I caught their eye. I knew they could not recognize me in my disguise, but it made me nervous all the same. They, too, had become true to themselves once again. I couldn't wait for Zol to finish autographing copies of his book so we could get out of Scamaroni for good, and leave our problems behind Ñor at least 80 percent of them.

  “Madam,” Senior Domari repeated wearily, “we cannot produce that witness. I know you want to confront him. You can't. Now, I ask you again to explain how it is that two of your number escaped from this facility last night, but there were still eight of you in the cells this morning?”

  “Sonny,” Vergetta countered, “All I want to do is go home. What'll it take?”

  “I wish I could pitch all of you into a bottomless pit, but I am required to follow the rule of law.”

  “Pitch us! It'd be better than spending another night in your pokey! I've been more comfortable in college dormi?tories!”

  “Perverts,” the judge muttered.

  “Pervects,” Vergetta corrected him. “We have a right to be addressed properly, your honor.”

  “I'm not sure the word doesn't apply,” Domari retorted. “I've heard some ugly things about Perverts.”

  “It's an ugly universe,” Vergetta replied philosophically. “You don't want us staying here, judge. Look at the condi?tion of your jail. And if we can slip in and out of here with?out detection, well, you can't keep us here against our will.”

  That statement made the judge even more nervous. “Then why are you still here?”

  “Because we want to reassure you that we're law-​abiding beings. You've heard a lot of other things about Pervects, right? Don't tell me you haven't. I can tell by your face. Let's come to some kind of agreement. I know you'd really like to settle this. So would we.”

  Senior Domari picked up his stack of papers and began to straighten them again. Vergetta knew she shouldn't ha?rass him any more. The poor boy was at the end of his pa?tience, but so was she. She had too many questions, and no one knew the answers. Who were the two Pervects that had been spotted running away last night? Niki and Caitlin wouldn't have run away if you'd shoved a basilisk in their faces. She hoped they hadn't tried a stupid rescue. Then-​job was to stay on Wuh and keep the stupid sheep from bankrupting all of them in her absence. But who was re?sponsible for landing them in jail in the first place? Who was out to destroy their reputation? Who had come in, un?provoked, and messed up their deal so their harmless little toy was considered to be the most dangerous thing since the do-​it-​yourself landmine kit?

  The most puzzling thing was how a Klahd had gotten a hold of a pair of their goggles. It had turned up in the cell that had been vacated by the only real jailbreak. Moms-​hone assured her that no units had ever gone to Deva or Klah. Paldine had been convinced at first that someone had

  created a knockoff and was planning to steal their market, but this pair was one of theirs.

  “I must ask you again, er, ladies, which two of you led the patrol on a merry chase all over town early this morn?ing, and then broke into the jail again. And why?”

  None of them knew the answer to that question, but the Ten would be damned if they would let an outsider know they didn't know.

  “Just a demonstration, your honor,” Vergetta offered, a broad grin breaking out over her face.

  “A demonstration?” Domari echoed.

  “Of course! We're demons, right? So ... never mind,” she averted the subject hastily, when the judge showed no signs of getting the joke.

  The others glanced at her, but she gave them a hasty wave as if to say, Leave the talking to me, girls. We can use this.

  “Look, your little prison might hold Scammies, and it ought to hold scam-​mers, if you understand what I'm saying, but I'd like to point out that you couldn't keep a Klahd wiz?ard behind bars for even one night, and believe me when I tell you darlink, that after another night or so those walls aren't going to hold us any longer. And look at the evidence: we can come and go as we please. So why don't you just let us leave? I promise you from the bottom of my heart, that when we go you will never see any of us again. Ever.”

  The judge looked genuinely tempted. Vergetta could tell that she was beginning to get through to him. She hoped so; it had been an exhausting time, staying up all night bashing at the walls. She wasn't as young as she used to be. It was one thing for young Charilor, who went out partying for a week, then could come home fresh as a daisy and beat up a neighboring army, but for the older folks it was tougher. She hoped the judge's resolve wasn't as durable.

  Domari cleared his throat. "It's ... just not that simple, madam. There's the matter of the psychological harm that you may have caused to the population. When you have an

  expert of the magnitude of Zol Icty himself condemning your device, it becomes quite a serious situation. So many of our fine people have required virtual deprogramming to return to their normal lives ..."

  “Psychobabble!” Oshleen protested.

  “Psycho-​what?”

  The slender Pervect rose to her feet, giving a raised eye?brow to Vergetta. The elder female handed off the talking stick without protest. Oshleen had obviously come up with a good wrinkle on her own.

  “It's nonsense. It's clear that he has no faith at all in your citizenry. In their mental resilience. I mean, look at the wonderful device Ñyou admitted that you tried it and enjoyed it yourself. How could we, as honest merchants, have believed you could not tell the difference between fantasy and reality? You're smarter than that,” she added, in her most persuasive voice. Oshleen undulated forward, as far as her chains would let her. “He's the one you ought to arrest.”

  “I... I can't do that.” But Oshleen had gotten him so confused that he didn't know what to think. “What surety will you give to remain away from Scamaroni forever? Be?sides refunding the money to our honest citizens for the goggles.”

  “Refunding the money... ?” All of them gasped at once.

  The judge looked at them impassively. “Unless you wish to remain in our slowly deteriorating jail for the dura?tion of your potential sentences. And after the last few days, I am inclined to hand out maximum sentences. I will allow you to confer.”

  He smacked his gavel on the desk, and retired from the courtroom.

 
; The Pervects put their heads together. “We can't do that,” Loorna hissed to the others. “It'll eat up all of our re?maining resources.”

  "Which would you rather have, our resources or our lib-

  erty?“ Charilor countered, then stopped herself with a gri?mace. ”What am I saying? Never mind ... but we weren't the ones who were running around town last night! We can't come and go as we please. They just think we can."

  “We can recoup our losses in some other dimension,” Monishone argued. “We'll take the intact pairs elsewhere.”

  “There aren't that many intact pairs,” Paldine retorted. “There's no chance of getting our investment out, not when Zol Icty himself has condemned the goggles. The word will spread faster than a dance craze. We're stuck. There are very few dimensions where a toy like that will pass the marketing research test.”

  Vergetta set her face grimly. “We have no choice. Someone has left us with only one option, and if I ever get my hands on that someone, I have a use for all those bro?ken sets of goggles, bubbies, and I don't mean making a mosaic.”

  Paldine sighed. “I'll handle the negotiations.”

  It took longer than a day for Zol to finish his encounter ses?sion. Bunny, Tananda and I sat at his feet throughout the process. By the time his audience finally cleared the meadow beside the river I had a new respect for my hired expert.

  He managed to prove to me that you can sell a million books by convincing people that there was something wrong with them, and that they can only solve the problem by reading the book. When Zol spoke in that calming man?ner of his, he made it sound as though the problem was mi?nor, and they could fix it themselves by following the guidelines that he laid out. He put the most positive possi?ble spin on their struggle, promising them that even if they didn't see quick results that they were still on the right path. No wonder he was famous throughout all the dimen?sions. There wasn't a thinking being alive who deep down

  didn't feel fundamentally flawed. Zol tapped into that feel?ing, but he persuaded them that it was okay.

  On the other hand, he was genuinely good at picking up the traits that a race largely shared. He told the Scammies that they were too gullible for their own good, falling for the most convincing story or the newest toy. But then he sold them copies of his latest book.

  What bothered me was that he didn't see anything re?motely hypocritical about that. I honestly think he did be?lieve in his own advice, and a practical way always to have it on hand was to own the book. I wondered what he would say was wrong with Kobolds.

  The final book was at long last signed. We were left in a meadow of trampled grass. Zol drained his teacup and set it daintily on the saucer.

  “Thank you,” he told the proprietor of the cafe. “It was good of you to lend us your establishment for such an ex?tended session. I hope we didn't inconvenience you too greatly.”

  The restaurateur, looking exhausted but still dazzled, pumped his hand. “It's been an honor, sir. An honor! Zol Icty, in my cafe!”

  He shook hands with all of us. I noticed that his staff of three were sprawled in chairs against the wall. No pastries or sandwiches remained under the glass domes, and the huge containers of the local lemonade, tea, coffee and milk?shakes had long ago been emptied. They hadn't lost a thing by having a famous author descend upon them for an im?promptu shrink-​fest.

  Zol paid his own tea bill, over the protest of the cafe owner, and blipped us all back to Wuh.

  The bamf of our return brought Gleep running from the stables, where he must have been taking a nap. “Gleep!” he cried joyfully.

  I managed to fend him off before he knocked me over. Zol petted him and produced a few bags of Kobold snacks out of his satchel for him. Gleep settled down on the floor to crunch up the shiny packets.

  I looked around. Montgomery's inn seemed to be com?pletely vacant. Not one of the tables underneath the ferns was occupied. The lights behind the bar had been extin?guished. I glanced out into the street. It was devoid of Wuhses.

  “Hello?” I called.

  Tananda frowned. “Is something wrong?”

  “Where is everyone?” Bunny said.

  Gleep's pointed ears perked up. In a moment, I heard the noise that his more sensitive hearing had detected: the sound of footsteps rushing towards us. Down the stairs came Montgomery, the innkeeper. He rushed towards us with arms extended.

  “I am overjoyed to see you!” he exclaimed, embracing us all one at a time. “Welcome back, Master Zol,” he greeted the author shyly. “We are very glad that you are safe.”

  “You are very kind,” Zol beamed. “It was a productive trip, I must say. So many minds cleared! And how have things been here?”

  “Exciting, if I may use so bold a term,” Montgomery hesitated, glancing at us for permission.

  “Okay by me. Where's Wensley?” I asked.

  “Oh, we didn't know when you were coming back, good Masters and Mistresses, or they would have waited for you.”

  “Waited for us for what?” I inquired curiously.

  Montgomery's fat cheeks shone with emotion. “The revolution, Master Skeeve!”

  'The what?"

  "Wensley was so very impressed, sir, as were we all, at the way you went to save people in a dimension that you

  didn't even know, and how you went back again at the risk of your own safety to save Master Zol Ñjust like that!Ñ when you saw that he was in trouble. Well, I have to say that we were ashamed. Wensley called a mass secret meet?ing, sir, and spoke as how we ought to take more of a hand in our own defense. He was very strong on the subject of non-​cooperation. Now that only two Perverts are still in the castle he thought that it was time we take action, sir! And so many people agreed with him! I agreed with him, but he pointed out that I had to wait for you ..."

  “Action?” I interrupted him. “What kind of action?”

  Montgomery drew himself up proudly. “Wensley says it behooves us to make an attempt to wrest the leadership of our people out of their claws, er, hands.”

  “He's been fomenting a revolution?” Zol asked.

  “Well... yes.”

  “Good for you!” Zol exclaimed.

  “WATT A MOMENT!” I shouted. “Just exactly what kind of action does Wensley have in mind?”

  “Why, they're going to go in there, and throw out those two Perverts,” Montgomery explained, as if surprised that I didn't understand. “Should be easy as pie, now that there's only two of them.”

  My tongue went dry, and I realized that my mouth was hanging open. “Where are they?” I demanded.

  Montgomery peered at the timepiece on the mantel. “Oh, I suppose they'd be up at the castle about now.”

  “No! They'll be killed!” Bunny gasped.

  “But there's only two of them, against thousands of us,” Montgomery replied, hurt.

  “That's like saying there's only two tornadoes,” I re?torted. “We've got to go stop them.”

  We gathered up Gleep and raced toward the castle, leav?ing our puzzled host behind us. As soon as we were out of the door I took to the air. Flying is controlled levitation, pushing against solid objects with my mind to move me

  along. I lifted Bunny and carried her along with me. Zol and Tananda took to the air under their own power. Gleep dashed ahead. We had no time to waste.

  “Perhaps we should have taken Wensley with us to Scamaroni,” Zol mused, as we flew. “We could have advised him on the sensibility of confronting Pervects directly.”

  “I wanted to take him,” I pointed out with some asper?ity, “but you persuaded me not to.”

  “Heavens, you are right,” Zol replied, surprised. “This is all my fault. Wuhses are such followers normally. I un?derestimated him. He adapted to a positive example much more strongly than I thought he would. And he was be?having in such a threatened fashion that I feared it would do him more harm to be thrust into a new situation. I did not take into account the effect new stimuli might have on him when he was left behind in a venue
he considered to be safe. You are a catalyst, Master Skeeve. You're making a leader out of him. He has gathered followers of his own.” t

  “And now he's leading them into a bloodbath,” I growled.

  “But the threat is limited,” Zol pointed out, as Gleep re?bounded off the corner of a candy shop to turn into the main street.

  My mind more on what I might find ahead than what I was doing, I narrowly missed the edge of the same building.

  “It is possible for a group of that size to overpower a pair of Pervects. It is not as though they were at their full strength.” Zol insisted.

  “But they don't know what they're doing,” Tananda re?minded him, grimly. “I don't think even Wensley has a real plan.”

  “Then we must persuade them to retreat and reconsider their actions!”

  “We have to get them out of there before they get hurt,” I declared.

  We rounded the last corner until we could at last see the

  castle. As Montgomery had predicted, thousands of Wuhses were marching through the unguarded gate. Some car?ried flaming torches. They were all shouting.

  “Baaa-​aaad Pervects! Baaa-​aaad Pervects! Go home! Go home! Go home!”

  A green face with bat-​wing ears appeared in the win?dow of the Pervect Ten's headquarters. A shower of rocks came flying up from the crowd and spattered against the castle wall. The face withdrew hastily. I thought I saw Wuhses in the room behind her.

  Suddenly, I felt as though someone had yanked my stomach and dragged it down through my toes. I fell heav?ily to the ground. Bunny dropped on top of me.

  “Skeeve!” she squealed.

  “I didn't do it,” I protested. “The magik is gone!”

  A great disturbance was brewing in the energy lines above and beneath me, draining them of power. I had felt this sensation before, but I didn't want to believe that it could possibly be what it was: the Pervect Ten pooling their strength, drawing on an incredibly deep well of magik.

  There was a huge flash of light. When it cleared, the thousands of Wuhses marching and chanting in the court?yard had vanished without a trace. The street was silent.