My Redemption: Second Chance Series

by S. K. Lessly

  One thing I could say about myself, I was nobody's fool. The day after I came home from the Poconos, and he told me about his problem, I instantly went to get tested for all types of sexually transmitted diseases. It was scary as hell, but I wanted to make sure he hadn’t given me something that would end my life. Thank God all my tests came back clear. I wasn’t completely in the clear. The doctor told me if I had been exposed to HIV, it may take up in six months to show up on a test so I needed to get tested again.

  Sebastian and I hadn’t been intimate in forever, so I wasn’t too worried. Still, I had made an appointment after I came back from this trip and seeing my parents.

  I sighed heavily. God, I was so confused. I wished I was close to my parents to talk to them about it. The only person I was close to was Tonya, but she was spending time with her husband. There was Paul, but that was out of the question.

  I breathed out another heavy sigh. Paul...

  I wondered what it would be like if he and I were married or dating. It would probably be great, although would I be dating outside my race. Granted, he was an amazing person; funny, charming, and easy to talk to. Not to mention the man was sexy as hell. Yet the question still remained. Could I date outside my race? Better yet, could he? Would I even be accepted in his family or he in mine? My oldest brother constantly talked about white people and how they oppress black people and how racism was still running ramped and no one was addressing it.

  What would that be like if I brought a white guy home? I started to laugh at myself. It would be great! Just the look on my brother’s face would be priceless. But could I kiss him or would kissing him feel or taste strange? Could I be intimate with him? Even though I found Paul very attractive and extremely sexy, can I think of him as more than a friend? I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. Hell, I had been there done that and bought the bumper sticker to prove it. The thing was I shouldn’t think of him as more than a friend. He was a good buddy of mine and that was it. End of story.

  14

  Lauren

  After holding this table hostage for far too long, I paid my check, left a healthy tip, and walked back to the hotel. Once I got close to the hotel, I took a beeline for the beach. The horizon was darkening and the sight looked amazing. I took off my shoes and walked toward the water. The ocean scared the crap out of me when I looked out at it. It was loud and massive with so much mystery. I pulled up my dress slightly and let the water run over my feet as I watched the waves collided with the beach before drifting back into the ocean.

  I had to make a lot of decisions and I didn’t know where to start. Should I go with my gut and simply confront Sebastian, tell him about “the look” and I didn’t trust him? I knew if I said that, my marriage was over. Or should I just forget these feelings and just deal with all of this like a solider? I mean what other choices did I have? Either I’d deal with this and wait around for him to seek help for his issue or I would leave him before the other shoe dropped.

  Either way, this wouldn’t end well for either of us. But who did I care about more? Him or me?

  I sighed and started to go back to the hotel, when I noticed Paul walking toward me. He was still dressed in his linen and silk clothes, looking sexy as ever.

  I took a few deep breaths and managed a smile. “Hey, you,” I said as casually as I could.

  “Hey, yourself. Where you headed?” he asked once he was a few feet away from me.

  “I was about to head upstairs,” I told him and attempted to walk past him.

  He reached for my arm and turned me back to him. “Oh, good. Why don’t we go for a walk?”

  I shook my head, panic filling me. Bad idea, bad idea… “Paul, I can’t. I need to—” I began, trying to step back from him.

  “Come on,” he insisted. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in days. I miss our talks. Walk with me.”

  He grabbed my wrist and pulled me as he walked backwards. It was hard for me to resist so I allowed him to pull me. When I caught up to him, he turned and slipped his fingers through mine. The sensation of our connection almost had me passing out. His touch was warm and strong. My mind immediately conjured up an image of him ripping my clothes off and taking me right here on the beach. Oh, how glorious that would be if he, hell, if anyone wanted me like that.

  I felt Paul squeeze my hand before he let go. I didn’t want to admit this but, I was actually disappointed he’d let my hand go.

  We were quiet for a while just listening to the waves crash into the shore. Finally, he broke the silence and asked me, “So are you going to tell me what’s up or do I have to guess?”

  “Paul, it’s nothing really.”

  “Lauren, you haven’t been yourself ever since we got here. You may be able to fool the others, but you don’t fool me. I know something’s up. Is it you and Sebastian?”

  I looked at him in the moonlight. I could see his concern and it softened me a little. I wanted to tell him, I really did, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

  I sighed and thought hard. I know he wouldn’t buy me telling him nothing again so instead I was honest.

  “Okay there are some things going on with me.” I admitted. “One of them happens to be about Sebastian but I just can’t talk to you about that. It’s nothing against you or our friendship, okay? I just don’t know how to say it to you or where to begin. I…just can’t right now.”

  Paul was quiet for a spell. I looked over at him and he was facing forward. He looked down and then at me. “Okay, I respect that, but can you tell me about the other things that’s bothering you?”

  I smiled. “Yeah, I can tell you about that. I’m just dreading seeing my family. That’s all. I get this way all the time. I’m not looking forward to the trip.”

  “Oh yeah, you’re going to Philadelphia after this for your mom’s birthday celebration.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, and it’s going to be a reminder of all the things my siblings have accomplished and all the failures I’ve made.”

  He frowned. “What do you mean?” He signaled me to turn right and walk up wooden pathway that was lined with a worn wooden banister. We walked a bit then stopped and I climbed up on the banister, with his help, and tried to get comfortable. Paul walked to the other side of the pathway and took a seat like me.

  With expectant eyes looking into my soul, I decided to explain to Paul the source of my trepidation.

  “Okay, let me give you some more history about my siblings. I mentioned this before. I have two brothers and a sister. The oldest is William. For some reason, when I was a kid, I called him Brian instead of Will or William like the rest of my family. Maybe it was my stubbornness developing early or my ability to get under his skin, who knows, but that name stuck with me and I call him that to this day. It also pisses him off that I do it, which is an added bonus. Anyway, Brian is a very successful attorney who was a complete and utter asshole to me growing up. We bumped heads all the time and have never quit.

  “He thinks he’s my father and takes it upon himself to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do all the time. Because I was very uncontrollable as a kid, he blames me to this day for bringing so much stress in my parents’ lives. Every chance he gets he tells me how useless I am or that I should thank my lucky stars I found someone to even marry me much less tolerate me. He calls me selfish, bratty, ignorant, evil, and other colorful names that I can’t recall right now.”

  I shrugged my shoulders trying to convey my nonchalant attitude towards Brian but Paul didn’t seem to buy it. He actually looked pissed.

  I said to him as an afterthought, “But please don’t think he wasn’t or isn’t called every name but a child of God by me. I’m no saint in this either. I can dish it far better than he can take it sometimes, so don’t feel bad for me.”

  I watched Paul hoping that what I just said would’ve softened his emotion, but it didn’t.

  I continued anyway. “Then there’s Janet. Janet was the model daughter my parents could ever ask f
or. She got straight A’s in school, valedictorian of her class. She was admired by the boys in school and envied by all the girls. She hated me because I was in so much trouble, I would take all of the attention away she so desperately loved and needed from others, namely our parents. That’s what meant the most to my sister, that she was the subject of everyone’s love and attention.”

  I chuckled. “Janet went on to become like our mom. She is a successful shrink with her own practice and she rubs it in every chance she gets.”

  Paul shook his head. “Well, what about Mark? You talk fondly about him.”

  I nodded. “I do. I love Mark. Mark is slightly different, but the same. Mark and I were never in any competition. He’s a year older than me. Mark was partly the reason why I got into so much trouble in high school. I was the one always fighting for him.

  “Brian would never come to Mark’s aide. He would always say ‘Mark needs to stand up for himself. I ain’t gonna bail him out all the time.’ Mark got bullied all the time, especially by Brian’s friends. So, I would step in and fight for him.”

  “You were fighting high school boys?” Paul asked.

  I shook my head. “No, I wouldn’t fist fight them. I would get back at them in other ways. Like spread rumors about them and make girls break up with them; trivial things like that. But think about it this way, these guys were very popular and image for them was everything. I ruined a lot of guy’s image because they messed with Mark. I actually got this one kid expelled from school and arrested.

  “How did you do that?”

  “Well, I was waiting for Mark after gym one day. He had told me that some guy was picking on him bad and the last time he stuffed him inside a gym locker and was there for about an hour before someone got him out. So, I was waiting by the boy’s locker room when I heard my brother scream. I ran in there and this big white boy was trying to… You know…” I gave Paul the wide eyed, hoping he would understand what I wasn’t saying. When he still looked confused, I added, “He was trying to put his man parts—”

  “Ahhh, I get it.” Paul said quickly looking completely disgusted. “That’s insane. What did you do?”

  “I did what I had to do, I kicked him in the nuts from behind then pushed him down. I told him to stay away from my brother or he would pay severely. He thought I was bluffing of course and for about a week he would smile at my brother or make him sit with him during lunch. My brother wasn’t gay but he wasn’t a fighter either. He was book smart and that’s all he knew.”

  “You were the street-smart girl?” Paul asked.

  “Yup, you got it. So, one day I got Travis back. There was a raid on the school. Someone had called and said a student had drugs in his locker.”

  “I take it you called the raid?”

  “I did. And I stuck drugs in Travis’ locker so he would get pinched. Now, let me explain that Travis was a coke addict.”

  “No fucking way. You’re talking about a sixteen or seventeen-year-old kid, right?” he asked with a disbelieving look on his face.

  I nodded and continued. “Yup, he was sixteen. He sold it at school and of course, sampled is own product. He wasn’t a saint in the least. When they searched his locker, I made sure he had at least enough for federal time.”

  “Holy shit! Woman, you don’t play.”

  “The asshole had it coming. I also made sure he knew it was me who had pinched him too. As he was being escorted out of the school, I was standing close to where the cops’ cars were. We made eye contact and I waved and blew him a kiss. That pissed him off as you could guess and I’m sure he vowed to get back at me for setting him up. What he didn’t know was that his supplier, Anthony, was a buddy of mine from the neighborhood.

  “I had told Anthony what Travis was doing to my brother, and Anthony wanted to put a bullet in his head.” Paul looked shocked as I explained, “Anthony’s two brothers and sister used to get tutored by Mark even though they were older than him. Mark made sure each of his siblings got good grade sin high school and they actually got into good colleges too. Anthony was a weird street thug. He did all his dirt but he refused to get his brothers and sister involved in the life. So, Anthony felt he owed Mark, you know, for helping him get his siblings out of the hood. Anthony looked out for Mark on the streets and Mark never knew it.”

  “So anyway, I told Anthony my plan to get Travis and he liked it. He supplied me with the drugs to pinch him.” I added, “I paid for the drugs just so you know.”

  “Did Travis ever…” he started and I smiled.

  “Oh no, Anthony, got him straight before he even got out. Every time I would see Travis after he was finally released, he would cross the street. Anthony was, uh how do I say this, admired on the streets.”

  “Is he still out there on the streets?”

  I shook my head. “No, Anthony is gone. He actually died of cancer. Go figure, right?”

  Paul got down from where he sat and moved close to me. He asked me, “Okay what about your in-laws?”

  I shook my head. “Paul, to make a long story short, Brian’s wife, Hillary, was my arch enemy in high school. She consistently felt like we were in competition. I didn’t care about the things she did back in high school, looks and boys, but she always felt like she had to one up me. She got it in her head that the best way to get back at me was to marry my brother.” I laughed. “The funny thing though, I think she got the raw end of that deal.”

  He gave me that awkward smile you give people when they tell you stories you can’t relate to. I continued.

  “And let’s see my sister’s husband Karl is a lowlife son of a bitch who tried on many occasions to get with me, even after he was married. He even cornered me one time and tried to kiss me.”

  “What did you do?”

  I shrugged. “Two things… I told him I would tell my sister what he tried to do but all he said to me was ‘go ahead, let’s see who they would believe.’ I knew he was right so…”

  Paul sat next to me. “So, you just let him get away with it.”

  I shook my head. “Now, I’m not saying that at all. After he told me that, I got close to him and kneed him in the nuts.”

  Paul cringed. “You seem to love doing that.”

  I laughed devilishly. “Eh, what can I say? It’s a skill.”

  Paul shook his head, looked down and chuckled. When he looked back at me and our eyes met, I could barely breathe. The look in his eyes made those dang butterflies in my stomach take flight. It was that moment that I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to let go and open myself to him. I didn’t care about implications or inappropriateness. The time that we spent together, I’ve grown to trust him. There was no way he would do or say anything that would hurt me.

  The decision made, I took a deep breath and asked, “If I share something with you would you promise to keep it to yourself?”

  He nodded. “Come on, Lauren. What kind of question is that? Of course, I will.”

  I sighed and blurted out. “Sebastian told me he has erectile issues. That’s why we haven’t been, you know…”

  Paul just looked at me. “That’s what he told you?”

  I nodded. “Yup, he told me that when we were in the Poconos. He said he was afraid to tell me before, but he couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

  Paul’s eyebrows rose to his forehead. “Wow, Lauren, I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, the problem I’m having is I don’t believe him. I think he’s cheating on me.”

  He gaped at me with that bit of news. “You’re kidding.”

  “No, I’m not. Paul, for some reason I have this strong feeling that he isn’t being truthful with me and it’s killing me.”

  “Well, have you asked him?”

  “I have actually.”

  “And what did he say?”

  “Well, he started off calling me selfish. He says I’m only thinking of myself and not him. And how this was one of the hardest things he’s ever had to do and all I can think about is myse
lf, yadda, yadda...” I turned my body slightly to face him. “I mean, Paul, I didn’t think it was that much to ask to be with your husband, right? I have been patient with him, trying to stay out of his way when he came home from work. I gave him space to see if that would help. I even recommended we go to counseling together and get to the heart of the issue and everything but he said no. I don’t know what else to do.”

  “Not being able to uh, perform is a big deal. Lauren, you have to know this is hard for any man to go through. Why do you think he’s cheating on you?”

  I looked down at my hands and shrugged a shoulder. Do not tell him about the look. Do not tell him about the look. “It’s something I’ve been feeling.” I confessed instead. “And well…. I saw him with Amy a couple of days ago and I swear something is going on there. The way he leaned into her when they were sitting close to each other and how he.... um…” Shit, what are you doing… “Uh, it just looked like they were more than friends. It was something more, I could feel it.”

  Paul got quiet. I looked over at him expectantly. “What?”

  He met my gaze but he remained silent, which made me feel self-conscious. “Paul, what?”

  I wasn’t good at reading him. He on the other had could read me like a book. But I don’t know, I could have sworn something flashed in his eyes as if he wanted to tell me something but suddenly decided against it.

  Finally, he broke the silence and said, “Nothing, it’s just hard to believe you know. I mean we’re talking about Sebastian.”

  “Yeah, I know but you can’t tell me he isn’t capable of it.”

  He shook his head. “No, I’m not saying that either, I’m just. “He grew quiet again and I took advantage of the silence.

  I declared softly, “I’ve been thinking about what to do from here. How do I handle this? Should I follow my heart or my brain? I don’t know. I can’t shake the feeling that this is all my fault. I should’ve done something to prevent this.”

  “Now, wait a minute.” Paul stood and moved to my side. I looked into his eyes and saw a bit of fury in them. “That’s bullshit, Lauren. You are not the blame. If he’s cheating on you it’s all him. Men don’t need a reason to do it. They just do it.”