by Jane Charles
Fragile and Nina. Two words I never thought would go together, but they do.
My eyes are closed and I’m spooned around her, but as much as I’ve willed it, I can’t get to sleep. My brain won’t shut down.
She shifts and mumbles. I pull her close. She pushes me away and rolls on her back. I let my arm rest across her abdomen and watch her in what little light is in the room, which isn’t much because it’s coming from a lamp down the hall.
Nina mumbles again and I try to figure out what she’s saying. Then she flings her arm out and hits my nose.
Damn that stung. Is she fighting someone in her dreams?
“Stop,” she screams, and she sits up.
She sits there for a minute and looks around.
“You okay?”
She blows out a sigh and lays back down.
I pull her close so she can rest her head on my chest.
“Bad dream.”
I pretty much figured that out on my own. I can also probably guess what brought it on.
Nina is silent again, but she hasn’t fallen back asleep because her body isn’t heavy against mine and her breathing is regular.
I just stare up at the ceiling holding her because I don’t know what to say. I haven’t known what to say since we were on the couch and taking all of my leads from her.
“He was thirteen,” she whispers.
I don’t ask who. She’s got to tell me all of this one her own.
“I was eight. It was my second foster home. The parents had to go out and the babysitter canceled. The parents had a fight but decided that Teddy could watch me because he was old enough. The mom wanted to stay home but the dad convinced her we’d be fine.”
My gut tightens.
After they were gone, Teddy took me down to the basement to show me some stuff. I hadn’t ever really been down there because it was basically storage stuff, dusty, dark and with cobwebs. I didn’t like it down there and wanted to go back upstairs but he wouldn’t let me. He said nobody could hear us if we were down there.”
Hear her screams, he meant.
“I wanted to be liked by everybody so I’d have a permanent home, so I went along when Teddy told me to lie down to play a game. I knew this was wrong, but I wasn’t sure what to do. He started to tie me down and that’s when I started fighting him. I did scratch his face, which only made him mad. Teddy was too strong for me and got me tied to a table and I couldn’t do anything.”
She pauses and I wait, stroking her back and giving what comfort that I can.
“Then he lit a cigarette. I told him that he wasn’t supposed to smoke and that it was bad for him. He just laughed at me. Then he started talking about his pets. He’d had three since I’d gotten there but they all ran away. The first two were cats, but then they got him a dog since it couldn’t get out of the fenced back yard like a cat. He disappeared too. Then, he pushed up my nightgown and pulled down my underwear and pushed the cigarette into my thigh. I screamed and screamed and he kept telling me to shut up. I think I screamed until I couldn’t anymore and he kept burning me. First my thigh and then my pubic area, all the while telling me what he had done to each of the pets. I lost track of how many times he burned me and I think I must have passed out, but the one thing I do remember more than anything is Teddy leaning over me, telling me that they are buried in the backyard. His dad had put them there and that if I told anyone, that they’d put me there too. ‘You don’t want to be buried in the backyard with the cats and dog do you Nina?’ he asked me.”
I swallow the bile or anger, pain and sickness at what she’s told me. “Was he a foster kid too?”
“No. Their own son. They couldn’t have kids after him and were thinking about adopting a girl and were trying me out.”
What the fuck was wrong with them? Something was seriously off with that kid if he killed his pets. Isn’t that like the first stages of a serial killer? And his parents did nothing?
“He finally let me up and told me to go to bed. I hurt so bad I could barely get up the stairs from the basement and then the next set of stairs to my room, but I had to get away from Teddy. I was afraid he’d want to start burning me again. When the parents got home that night, the mom came in the room to check on me.”
“Did you tell her?”
Nina shakes her head. “I was too afraid of being buried in the backyard.” She pushes back against me. “You don’t have to hold me so tight.”
I relax and loosen my hold. I hadn’t even been aware that I was squeezing her.
“That was the worst night. I hurt so bad but couldn’t tell anybody. I was too afraid to tell the mom and dad, and Teddy kept watching me and would pretend like he was smoking a cigarette when his parents weren’t looking.
That fucking kid terrorized her.
“I also knew that I couldn’t stay there. I was too afraid to tell his parents, but not somebody else, so when I got to school, and after everybody was supposed to be in their classes, I asked my teacher if I could talk to her in private. She was a really busy lady, but I liked her and she was nice. But, she couldn’t leave her class so I asked to go to the principal or the nurse. Finally she asked me what was wrong. Since we couldn’t leave the class on our own and she didn’t have another adult to watch the rest of the students, I went around to the other side of the desk and showed her my thigh and said that I couldn’t go back to that house.”
Nina shudders against me and I pull her close but I’m careful not to hold her too tight.
“She had a look of horror like I’ve never seen and then covered her mouth with both hands. That’s when I knew how bad it was and how horrible it looked.”
Is that when she got it in her head that she wouldn’t ever let anyone see her again?
“She grabbed her phone and called the office and asked someone to come down and watch her class. A few minutes later a lady I recognized from the office came in. My teacher took my hand and led me to the nurse’s office. They looked at my leg and then I showed them the rest because they were girls too. I covered myself when the principal came in. He got on the phone to somebody and I heard hospital. I didn’t know the nurse and I was really scared and I wouldn’t let go of my teacher’s hand. They asked me what happened and I told them what Teddy had done, what he had said and about the dead animals. My caseworker was in court and then the cops were there. They let my teacher take me to the hospital. I was afraid that if she wasn’t there they’d give me back. My teacher stayed with me until my caseworker got there. I never saw my teacher again and I never went back to that house.”
“What happened to Teddy and his parents?”
“They were all arrested, but the parents didn’t go to jail.”
“Teddy?”
She takes a deep breath and blows it out. “He pled not guilty, insisted I did it to myself and that I was lying, so there was a big trial. The prosecuting attorney was really nice though. I didn’t even have to go in until it was my turn to testify. The only time I had to look at Teddy was to identify him. He glared at me and I started to get scared all over again, and then she stood between me and him so I didn’t have to look at him. She asked all the questions and as long as I didn’t have to look at anyone but her I was okay.”
I’m afraid of what is coming. Teddy’s attorney had the right to question Nina too and she was still just a kid.
“His attorney didn’t block Teddy and stood right next to him when he asked the questions. I wouldn’t look over there though. I kept looking at the prosecutor. He tried to make me say I was lying and that somebody else did that, and that I was jealous because Teddy was their real son. It was horrible. It’s like he kept wanting me to look at him. He said if I was telling the truth I’d look him in the eye. I told him I didn’t have to look at him to tell the truth.”
Nina snuggles in close to me and puts a thigh over my legs.
“Teddy was sentenced to a juvenile detention facility where he got psychiatric care. I got a call when he was released.
He was twenty and I was fifteen.”
“Why did they call you?”
“They called my case manager. I guess they let victims know so they aren’t freaked out if they see the person on the street.”
“Were you scared?” I sure as hell would have been
“At first, but then I realized he wouldn’t know where to find me. I was a minor, my name wasn’t public anywhere and New York is really big.”
There is that.
“So you don’t worry about seeing him anymore?”
She’s real silent for a bit. Is she still afraid of this guy?
“He’s in prison now and won’t be getting out.”
I’m almost afraid to ask why.
“He killed two little girls after he burned them with cigarettes. The lady who had prosecuted him remembered my case and so they went to look for Teddy. He’d already taken a third little girl, but she’d gotten away from him and was able to give a description of him and where it was.”
Shit! Teddy did turn into a serial killer. If the same prosecutor hadn’t been around still who knows how long it would have taken them to find him.
“How do you know all this?”
“I went to the trial. I called the prosecutor and asked if I could help put him away for good, but they couldn’t use anything from what happened to me because the juvenile record had been sealed. But, she said I could visit with his victim, who was really scared. Too scared to testify. I wasn’t about to let him get away with doing that to someone else. She didn’t trust me at first so I did show her my scars and told her what had happened to me. I promised to be there every day of the trial. When it was her turn to testify, she didn’t look at the prosecutor like I did, but she watched me.”
Damn she’s brave. I’m not sure I could have been in the same room with Teddy after what he’d done. “That couldn’t have been easy.”
“It wasn’t. It was real hard.” Then she sits up and looks down at me. “He tried to get me to leave, but since he was being tried as an adult, there was no reason to close up the courtroom. The only time they had planned on doing that was when his victim was going to testify so the media couldn’t identify her.”
A small smile pulls at Nina’s lips.
“Teddy screwed himself over during that trial by taking the stand in his own defense. He called the little girl a liar and said that I had put her up to it. He was pointing at me and saying it was all my fault and I made the little girl tell all the lies like I used to.” She shakes her head. “His attorney tried to shut him down, but the words had been said in front of the judge and jury and opened up what was supposed to be suppressed. Neither of the attorneys were supposed to reference the past and it wasn’t admissible until Teddy said something on the stand. That opened it up for the prosecutor to call me as a witness.”
I sit up and take her hands “You had to tell it all over again?”
“Yep!”
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen.”
“Wow! How tough was it?”
She tilts her head and looks at me. “Not as tough as I thought it would be. I wasn’t scared of Teddy anymore. I was damn lucky I was still alive and I sure as hell was going to do everything in my power so he could never hurt anyone again.”
Damn! I always knew Horns was brave, I just didn’t have any fucking idea how brave she was.
“This time I looked him in the eye and didn’t flinch, and he’ll never get out of prison again.”
“I don’t think I could have been as strong as you.”
She looks down and her hair falls around her face. “I wasn’t. Not until that moment,” she says real quietly. “From the time I became a foster kid until that day, I tried to please everyone, make them happy, hoping someone would love me. I didn’t argue, was agreeable, slept with guys because I was starved for affection and wanted someone to love me so badly.”
My heart aches for her.
“After I testified, I realized I didn’t need love and acceptance, and I was fine on my own. I was getting good grades in school and if I worked really hard, I’d never need to rely on anyone else ever again. The clock was ticking until I was eighteen and I was determined to be ready to be on my own when that day came around.”
And that’s when she grew her armadillo skin and decided not to take any shit off anyone. All of her music makes sense now. Nina decided never to be a victim again and became as tough as nails.
And, I’m pretty sure I just fell further in love with her. “So, why were you afraid for me to see the scars?”
“Because they are ugly. Because I didn’t want you to know how weak I once was. I didn’t want you to be disgusted with me. There are a whole lot of reasons, but I think most of all, I figured if you didn’t know about all of that, you’d like me better.”
“Nina, I love you, and you just told me that you didn’t care what anyone thought.”
She looks up at me, pain in her eyes. “That’s because none of them mattered. You do. A lot, and I didn’t want to ruin this.”
“Oh, Nina.” I pull her onto my lap and lean back against the headboard cuddling her. She’s a hell of a lot more vulnerable than I ever thought she was. “I love you. Yes, I hate that you have scars because of the pain that it caused you. That someone hurt you. But it doesn’t change how I feel about you. In fact, I’m kind of in awe of what you’ve survived and that you want to waste your time with me.” It’s the truth. She is an amazing woman who I sure as hell don’t deserve.
“Thank you, Tex,” she says after a moment.
I’m not sure what she means. “For what?”
“For being you. For being here.”
27
It may have stopped snowing but the plows haven’t been through. Who knows when they will get to us? New York is a really big city to get cleaned up. But, we did promise Miguel that we’d get everything shoveled so we can open the gym back up and be ready for when people can actually get to us.
I grab the plates and take them to the sink. Tex made eggs, bacon and toast this morning. I couldn’t believe how hungry I was, and last night, after we talked, I slept like the dead again. I didn’t realize how much of the past I was still carrying around. Holding onto, and maybe I always will, but with Tex I’m beginning to believe that maybe some good things can happen too.
“Ready to do this?” I ask him.
“I’m ready to do this. You’re staying inside.”
I roll my eyes at him. “I can shovel just as well as you.”
“Says you.”
Planting my fists on my hips, I turn and look at him. “Really? How much snow did you shovel in Texas?”
“Enough,” he defends.
“I’ve been in New York my entire life and I bet I’ve shoveled a hell of a lot more than you have.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re better.”
“Oh, it sure does.”
He gets right up in my face, almost nose to nose. “I think you just issued me a challenge.”
“You bet your ass I just did.”
“Then let’s do this. The person who wins, gets the prize.”
There’s a lustful twinkle in his eyes and my girly parts start to tingle again.
“What exactly is the prize?”
“That’s up to the winner to decide, don’t you think?”
With that he looks me up and down. He’s going to want sex, which is fine with me, that may be what I claim too. Or not. We shall see. I just grin back at him. “And, winner takes all,” he says before heading to the closet.
We both get bundled up, grab the shovels from the closet in the gym and head out through the back door, because we can actually get out of that one and start on the alley, clearing a path down the steps, around where Virgil and Barry usually sleep and toward the sidewalk. That’s when it gets difficult. The snow is kind of light and easy to shovel. At least the top layer is. The deeper we go, the heavier it gets. Perfect snowman snow, but once we are out from between the two
buildings, the wind is harsher and it’s blowing the snow right back into what we’ve cleared faster than we can clear it.
Tex and I stop and look around. We are the only ones out here shoveling. Not another living soul is on the streets. Either they are smarter than we are or don’t care and will wait. None of them work for Miguel, so I start shoveling again, until my shovel breaks, the head snapping right off the handle.
“Looks like I’m going to win,” he calls out with a grin.
Damn, I hate losing, but I’m also not that upset about it either. He said winner takes all and I think he plans on taking me.
“Well, I’m not going to go out without a fight. If I can’t shovel, I’ll pick a different plan of attack.” Bending, I dig into the wet snow and form the most perfect snowball ever made, pull back and let it fly. It hits Tex directly in the center of this back. “Bull’s-eye.”
He straightens, turns and looks at me. “Did you just hit me with a snowball?”
“Well, you’re the one who got all cocky about winning.”
“So you’re retaliating?”
“Duh! Do you know me?”
He laughs. “How do you know you won’t like what I win?”
“That’s beside the point.” I scoop up more snow and form a ball. “I don’t like losing.” This time I hit him square in the chest.
He drops the shovel and starts scooping snow.
I duck behind a bush and start making snowballs as quickly as I can. We are at war and this is one battle I plan on winning.
I have the perfect snowball in my hand and I’m waiting. Nina’s got to come out from behind that bush and when she does…. My phone rings.
Digging into my pocket I pull it out. “Hold up,” I call to Nina. “Miguel’s calling.”
“Hello!”
With that, another snowball hits my ass. So unfair, but she will pay later.
“What are you doing? Nobody answered the phone inside.”
“I’m shoveling snow.”
“What are you doing that for? I watched the news. The wind is blowing the snow back as soon as it’s plowed.”
