by Prerna . K
“So do you believe he exists, or it was just till here, like just till you are in your control?” he asked.
“Oh come on, I could never take this so long, I obviously believe he exists, I have kept my faith in him, I damn it love him!! I know I will find my dream one day. And how can I chose something, I don’t believe exits.” I said banging my hand gestures on his knees.
He smiled, “are you sure you will find him?” he asked.
No, I thought of a very popular abusive phrase among us teenagers, a Hindi phrase, when he asked this. I said, “Am I speaking in Urdu, dear” I said very sweetly, sarcastically.
“Babe, obviously, I have got an emotional connection with James, It is simple, understand like this, he is my partner, and he is with me, only the thing is you can’t see him without eyes like me.” I said.
“Oh,” he said looking up.
“Yeah, he is just not a character or personality, he is a whole person, he is a HUMAN, I BELIEVE and I know. I WILL find him.” I said stressing on my words, "like, who are you then," I said in my head.
“Oh, is it like you feel you guys are connected like souls, something like that,” he said bringing his eyes back at my face.
“No not like that, exactly. think about this, you cant vision anything that dont exist, like seriously we cant. And if you can vision it, it do exist. And if it exist, what's bad in waiting until you see it with open eyes. And in this wait you just develop a connection with your imagination, a sense of its reality, you know." I said smilingly.
“Oh, crazy” he said shaking his head.
“Very much dude,” I said shaking my head as he did.
“But how will you know he is the one, if ever you saw him?”
I looked him in his eyes for a few seconds; I felt that tuck in my heart, like seriously I'm this close to this fantasy. I thought.
“Come on tell, where do you get lost?” he said knocking my forehead.
“I hope, I will just look him in his eyes and I will know he is the one,” I said looking in his eyes, like if he have brain he will understand this.
“And if you don’t find him? Like then” he said lifting his eyebrows.
“I don’t give myself any option,” I said in an indeed cool way.
“You gonna waste your whole life.”
I went close to him and said, “Have you ever believed in any of your dreams. Faith is very strong babe; for the world I may, but I know I will never waste my whole life. And for me James is that dream, who has made me believe in the power of faith, it’s just way too strong. Its like it just cant happen we wont, we WILL find each other.” I looked at him, and thought, "I m literally telling James himself that he exist, isnt it just way to crazy, seriously goodness he is the one I have been dreaming for so long." it was indeed complicated, but as I said I trusted my intutions.
“I liked that, Come this side.” I went beside him; he put his arm around my neck and said, looking at me
“And you can trust me with your dream, I promise you can.”
I smiled; “I know I can trust you.” I said showing my confidence over him.
"Actually you know James is like a trophy of my victory over me, my emotions, over my anxious and doubtful thoughts. He is like a proof of control, faith and stubbornness of my heart. He is like a proof that big dream do come true one day, just keep walking towards them. He is my key to my success, because NOW I have to do all it take to get me to him. because I m very desperate, Ohk leave it now,” I said doing some overacting with my way of speaking, to make it look light.
“Oh god, how much will you impress me now, you are too good kind of Mad.” he said pushing me towards him, our shoulder collapsed. I looked towards him, smiling at his dialogue.
“So, will you share your dream with me?” I asked.
He smiled, “smart, don’t judge, it’s too filmy.”
“Then I won’t, it will be like judging myself. Dreams are dreams, and kids are best at cherishing them.”
“True, kid. But some other day I promise. I just don’t feel prepared.”
“What do you mean, you don’t think about it?”
“Maybe I gave myself too many options, it will take time, but I promise I will tell it, with the same intensity. Promise!” he said.
I smiled. “Impressive” I said, as he does.
He smiled. Lying back on the ground, his both hand beneath his head. I lay keeping my head slightly on his elbow.
We were staring at the sky, and its first glance made me say this, “oh it is so beautiful.”
“Yeah, but not that much today, I liked it yesterday.”
Not its beauty, I love the sky, I said in my head. “I love it,” I said loud, as he repeated and we both turned our head towards each other, he smiled. “I knew you were going to say that. Girl you are making me habitual with this word. And with this strange habit of admiring the sky.”
“That’s good, we both will enjoy this time together,” I said. Thinking about all days I stared at the sky and said James I want to share it with you.
“Of course” He said with a very pleasant smile.
We both were staring at the sky, and I was literally feeling like I was liberated from a big responsibility. Now all the pauses of my life were set on their gears, now finally it was the time to start a new fantasy. To challenge my mind with a greater impossible.
It was the time to finaly breath, and accept, James made it, this is happening, and this time with open eyes no imagination.
“You guys will be forever story” he asked me.
“Which story is not forever or is forever.”
“What do you mean?” he said in the Justin Bieber's tune.
I smiled, and said looking at the sky “until I survive I will sing this saga, the tragedy is even the singer will die one day. My memory will hold all moments like forever, but my death will release all this weight of attachment, to free my bones and fly my soul.” wow, that was great my head said to me joyously.
“What do you mean” he again said in the same tune.
I smiled and said “awfully it can’t be a forever, one day one of us will die, or seperate, I don’t know, how but no not all our life we will live together, this is a walk after all.” I took a deep breath and said “at least until I die, I love him.”
“At least you will live together.”
“Maybe. Though it look, but no I dont think about the future, life scare me.”
“Why?”
“Because, it is scary, it is little, it is uncertain, we only have this moment.” I said turning keeping my hand down.
“So arent you wasting this moment,” he said shifting his other hand on his abdomen.
"Look at me, am I. missing out on something doesnt mean, Im wasting this moment or life. I know how love feels,"
"Hmm, can I kiss your forehead. You are also awesome and strong."
"Oh," I smiled on it,
"Dont you think its hard to digest compliments." I said gigglingly, turning my head towards him.
"yeahh." he said.
he said turning towards me, I said "my forehead is waiting" absurdly.
he kissed my forehead, "this feel good, thank you." I said, turning my head back to the sky.
We both went into a long silence after that, staring the sky. And I had the tendency to neutralise myself as soon as a big blust of happiness come in. So because I talked so much about James presence in life, it was obvious to swing my emotion towards the tragedy, because somewhere this habit wanted to remind me, I gonna lose him too.
I cant bring myself out of this painful session of life, it was important, and I knew it, my emotions need these visions of separation, to live the present more.
"its uncertain
how we met
who we will say goodbye
its all uncertain."
“Hey, what are you thinking?” James asked looking at the sky. I said breathing in deeper to give some air to my sore throat and warmed eyes.
“Hmm, I feel like we all human are here to mourn for our loved ones and revise our experience in our memories. We all are here to suffer this pain of love and the tragedy is we can’t even live without this love.” I said looking at the sky, thinking of the deaths I have witnessed.
he looked at me, and turned,
“Hmm seriously, we cant run away from pain, it is always walking with us, in every moment we spent, pain slide in as memories,” he said looking at the sky.
“But I like it, it gives some taste to life,” I said smiling on my own, which makes me feel a lot better than thousands consoling words.
“Mad girl” he said with joy in his voice.
"How, you are not scared of love?"
"Show me your face, I think my madness virus is shifting on you, why will anyone be afraid of love."
"Because it hurt a lot at the end." he said shruging his shoulder.
"Darling its hurt less when you know you not need to with hold loving any way, and obviously if you can see this is a big world and you will be given another chance to love." I said keeping my hand over his.
"hmm, I agree to that." he said holding, looking at the sky.
I smiled, we both, staring the sky shared our pain and philosophies on life. Many things started revolving in my head related to James itself; I was realizing something that was coming towards me now, after I found him. Before, when he was not here, it will start someday, was always in me that made me ignore the reality of separation, though I thought about it, but now the end really started showing up.
You were a forever
Until it started, once we were together
Losing you was the only scandal
That survived.
End was the only loop,
I saw us walking towards,
Or utmost coming.
I said in the silence of the dark night. In my head, and because I had accepted it, I couldn’t shake my head and say no nothing is going to happen like that. Finally, I had a bloom in me, and only I know how much I enjoy crying for my loved ones, and practicing their departure in my mind.
Each time I scare myself in vision, my tears fell out, and love to express love grows. "This was the best part of being depressed kind of mad ass happy." I said gripping his hand, looking at the sky,
“I love you James.” James turned but looked at me and very innocently would have thought, that was not for me.
I cant explain my love for this illusion, unbelievably for the person next to me. but yeah in me, James lived a thousand lifes, I m already fallen bad, I can say he is the love of my life, how ever time we get to walk together, I gonna live it with whole me, before my walk asks for a new twist.
I love him.
The Jatayu park
and surprise
Next day we packed up from the valley, there was a little change in the plan. We were going to Kerala, Kolam, it was not decided earlier but I thought it will be great to make a visit there.
We were going to visit and stay at Jatayu Park, which was on a hill 400 up from the ground and 1000 sq feet up from sea level. It was on the western ghats.
We reached the place around 3pm.
There were world class cable rides, to take all the tourists to the top of the hill.
We checked in the park, this park was famous for a sculpture, that resembled Jatayu, one of the character of India's ancient scripture, "Ramayan". This sculpture was made to honor Jatayu, for giving up his life for woman's safty. In the honor of women safety even, the park's managment and security staff, all are women.
As we checked in, the excitement to see this sculture, and others reaction grew in me.
All the foreigners were told this story of Jatayu, but still they had no idea what they were going to see. It was not at all what they were imagining.
The sculture's shadow started showing up, I said to James, "you wanted to click some beautiful bird, right?"
"What the fuck," his reaction came out in bewildered ness when he saw that sculpture of Jatayu. When he saw the world's largest bird sculpture. Which is spread in 3000 sq feet area, height 70 feet.
"So how is this one." I said completing my sentence.
"Oh my goodness, this is so amazing." He shouted.
"yeah it is." I said looking up this grand sculpture.
"Is it an egale." He said examining the big beak of the sculpture.
"Yeah, that's Jatayu." I said proudly.
"Seriously, oh my god, this is so big." He said touching its beautifully crafted paws and nails.
"It is." I said, unusual pride was running in me.
"but, where is the other wing." He said paying attention to its single feather. As his sculpture was laid on the ground, facing up the sky.
"Jatayu's one wing was cut by Ravan who came to kidnap Sita as the scripture says."
"Ohk. This is great."
"Yeah, it is said, on this rock, this big creature fall, when Ravan cut his one wing, so thats why here, on the top, at that exact place, this largest sculpture is brought into existence."
"WOW, that is literally a great thought., I loved it, Great."
"India is great buddy." I said petting his shoulder.
"You are obssessed with your country."
"No, Im obssessed by the beauties of my country."
"This is great, you seriously got the best bird for me." He said holding his sides to control his bewildered self.
"I knew that you will love it, I love to surprise people."
"You fucking did that, I was not at all expecting something this fascinating, I loved it." He said sidely hugging me.
Then after that I left him and Jas with their cameras and I started, looking around the hill, because we were really 1000 sq ft above sea level, everything around was great, and calm. I just love hills, they are the calmest place in the world. Heaven.
After looking at this sculpture from every angle, touching its mega feathers, after examining all breath taking details, when they all were satisfied, we went for the heli ride, that was too available here.
Literally, on such a height doing such magnificent work is worthy of million of applause.
I was really more desperate for heli ride, like to look at southern western ghats from height fascinated me like nothing else did.
From above the sculpture looked more clear, its whole shape was visible. This was such a beautiful piece of art, I just loved it. I kept staring it, to get it deep down my memory. Such things makes me feel more closer to the nature, then anything else.
This western ghat's beauty was making me even more content. (gosh, its beautiful, the creator is marvelous, ) I said to myself looking down , nothing else can bring me more content then these beauties.
ohk, Im obssessed with beauty, and art too.
In the train
The same day we all had to pack up, from this valley. It was just a short visit, seriously just to show James this largest bird. So it not took more then three hours there.
Now another destination was waiting for us. According to the plan, today we had a night train ticket, to Goa. It was not straight; we needed to switch to two different trains. Because of that the whole night was exhausting. We kept the night ticket, so that we can enjoy the next day.
James, Lisa, Ben, Maira were setting on a different seat, and all others were with us.
Joseph and I were sitting together, I was telling him all about me and James.
"I m pretty sure, actually very sure I have found James finally."
"Neha congrats," Joseph said shaking hands with her, "Now at least she will leave us alone, and eat someone else head."
I slapped his head, "You have less brain, that doesn't mean I'm eating it." I said him.
"Oh, I have less brain." he said turning to me.
"Do you have some hearing problem, yes dude you have less brain, now don't use it, its already less." I said humorously.
"What?" He asked, he wasnt able to understand it.
"Nothing babe, I have to
ld you, you cant win Indians, we are well qualified in this one art." Neha said holding his hand.
"Now thats wrong, you have to stay on my side." He said literally smilingly, looking at Neha, he only look cute with my sis, hitler.
"I'm on your side," she said, kissing him. To that I was like, what is this happening, when did they started doing such things in public, whatever they look cute.
I rested my hand on my palm, looking at them, "you guys look so good together,"
"We know that dear." Joseph said, turning towards me.
"You guys enjoy each other, Im going to disturb Kim and Ash." I said.
I stood up, went on their side, and sat in between of them, "give some space guys."
Ash said, "abe ja yrr." (please go dude.)
"Na, na, na. (no, no, no)" I said, Christina, Jas and Shubh also joined me in this game of disturbing them. Afterall we have given so much quality time to them already.
"So yeah Kim what is this going on." I said looking towards kim.
"Dude," he said literally asking for some mercy, but no, I won't, I will disturb you, I said in my head.
"What dude? what is it going between you both?" I said toughing my voice.
"What, we are good friends." Ash said.
"Oh, ho, we are also good friends, right Kim." I said looking towards Ash, winking at her, that tells I m going to rag Kim, now.
"yeah of course." He said, the common rescue.
"And I'm also your good friend." Christina said setting beside him, we both got our arms around his.
"Me too." Shubh said joining in.
"You were only left come." Kim said.
"So why should I stay back, Ash please sit that side, we want to talk to our good friend." Jas said adding on.
"Yeah Ash, give them space, go that side." Christina said.
"And Ritz, James is your very good friend right." Kim said with a notorious smile.
Okay now very soon the game was turning on me, but not that easily.
