Superpowerless

by Chris Priestley

  ‘I know. It was a joke. What other superhero couples are there?’

  David puts his hand to his chin and muses.

  ‘Well … There’s Cyclops and Jean Grey in the X-Men. Batman and Catwoman have a thing going on. Superman and Wonder Woman. There are a few.’

  ‘Wow – Superman and Wonder Woman. That must be something to see. Superhero porn would be pretty amazing, wouldn’t it?’

  David shakes his head, smiling. All this talk of porn is just that – talk. He doubts Joe has ever watched that much of it.

  Joe picks up an oversized squidgy tennis ball from by his feet and hold it up in front of his face.

  ‘Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio.’

  David smiles.

  ‘You never get bored with doing that, do you?’

  ‘We’ll never have to think about Hamlet again. Weird, huh?’

  ‘I didn’t mind it.’

  To be or not to be, that is the question.

  ‘I know – you weirdo. It’s because you’re as bonkers as he is.’

  ‘How’s Fuzz by the way?’ says David. ‘You never did tell me how you got on at the vet’s.’

  Joe’s eyes glisten. He huffs out a big breath.

  ‘She got put down.’

  ‘What?’ says David. ‘No!’

  Joe nods. David is surprised at how upset he is, but Fuzz has always been there. She felt like his cat. He was never allowed to have one because his mother is allergic. Although he has always suspected she just says that because she just doesn’t like cats.

  ‘She was really old.’

  ‘I’m really sorry. Poor Fuzz.’

  ‘I know. Still. The vet says it’s kinder.’

  ‘I suppose.’

  ‘She’d have been in real pain and, well, it’s better this way.

  David nods. There is a window of opportunity for a man-hug, but neither of them seizes the moment and they sit there in silence for a while thinking of Fuzz the cat who used to be young and silly, just like a kitten. Time is a bastard.

  ‘So this is it then,’ says Joe after a long moment, his voice quieter, huskier. ‘The big one. Sex.’

  David nods. Joe shakes his head.

  ‘What?’ says David.

  ‘How can it be possible that you are going to be first out of the two of us? I mean, look at you, then look at me.’

  David grins.

  ‘And yet …’

  Chapter 28

  Low Expectations

  David clings to the window of the church tower, listening. He hears the sound of distant traffic and then, above the mournful caw of rooks, the cries for help.

  He pushes himself off, throwing his arms out in front, the dull light shimmering on the spikes of his costume. He swoops to the north and banks to the west, skimming the uppermost twigs and leaves of the trees that edge the river.

  He sees the arc of the tyre tracks and the car sinking in the water just as Lightforce hits him from below, hurling him up and up, higher and higher.

  He turns his head away from the blazing glare and looks down at the receding fields below as they hurtle on upwards. The river is just a curved wire, then the finest of hairs and then nothing at all.

  Soon they’ll leave the Earth’s atmosphere. David wonders if he will be able to breathe – will that be one of his superpowers? Or will he just die there gasping, left to float out into the blackness and silence of space? Is this how he dies? A failed superhero no one even knew existed?

  PING.

  David sits up and reaches for his phone. It’s a text from Ellen: ‘See u at the weekend!! Heart. Heart. Smiley face. Smiley Face. Heart.’

  David groans and lies back down. He feels a little woozy, like part of him is still being pushed out into space. The air feels heavy, like there’s going to be another storm.

  He gets up and wanders over to open the window. He is still standing there when Holly walks in.

  ‘Hi,’ she says. ‘How are things?’

  ‘I’m going next weekend!’ he says, slapping his palms to his head. ‘Next weekend!’

  Holly lets out a long breath.

  ‘Calm down – for goodness sake. You’re getting yourself into a state. If it’s causing you this much grief then don’t go. You’re making it matter too much.’

  David walks back and slumps down on his bed. Holly sits at his desk.

  ‘Making it matter too much?’ says David. ‘It’s huge!’

  ‘Is it now?’ she says with a smirk.

  David isn’t in the mood. Banter is not going to relax him today; it’s only going to make him feel worse.

  ‘Seriously,’ he groans, ‘I just don’t want to be useless.’

  ‘You won’t be useless.’

  David closes his eyes and shakes his head.

  ‘Please!’

  ‘What do you want from me?’ she says. ‘I’m not talking you through the whole thing. You can’t rehearse sex, David.’

  ‘Why? Why not?’

  She waves her hands around.

  ‘I don’t know – you just can’t!’

  David scowls, unconvinced.

  ‘It’s like I was saying about kissing,’ she says. ‘You have to be in the moment. You can’t treat it like an exam.’

  ‘What do you even mean?’ says David. ‘It is an exam! It’s just an exam that apparently I’m not allowed to revise for.’

  Holly chuckles.

  ‘But it’s the same for everyone, David. We all had to go through this. And people have been fumbling their way through since time began.’

  ‘But it’s not fair. If Ellen was doing it for the first time too then it would be OK – we could fumble away and it would be whatever – but it’s not her first time and I don’t want her to think it’s mine.’

  ‘But it is,’ says Holly.

  David groans. Why won’t she listen? Why is she making this so hard?

  ‘In any case,’ says Holly, a bit bored now with the whole conversation, ‘Ellen will have low expectations.’

  ‘How do you work that out?’

  Holly smiles a crooked smile.

  ‘Believe me – if she’s ever had sex, she’ll have low expectations.’

  ‘Is this supposed to be helping?’ says David. ‘Because it really isn’t.’

  Holly reaches over and touches his arm.

  ‘You need to calm down. Keep it simple. People are into all kinds of weird stuff, but best not to assume any of that – whatever you may have seen online. Let her take the lead. Let her show you what she likes.’

  David nods and sees that this might make sense.

  ‘But supposing she wants me to take the lead?’

  ‘Well, then you’re fucked, my friend.’

  David growls in exasperation. Holly shakes her head and then makes a calming gesture with the palms of her hands.

  ‘All right, all right,’ she says. ‘Give me strength. What do you want to know?’

  David stares at her.

  ‘I don’t even know what to ask,’ he says quietly. ‘I just don’t even know where to start. I imagine myself in bed with her and I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do.’

  Holly looks at him with a face David wishes wasn’t quite so filled with pity.

  ‘OK – I’m assuming you know you need to buy condoms.’

  ‘Yes. I’ve done that.’

  ‘Good. Then you’ll get into bed and you’ll be naked or you’ll get naked – depending on how bashful you both are. And then it goes where it goes. You may hold each other. You may explore each other. Hands. We’re back to hands. Clean. Nails cut.’

  ‘Don’t start all that again!’ says David. ‘What do I do with them?’

  ‘Let them go for a wander,’ she says. ‘Trace the outline of her body. Enjoy the feel of her skin.’

  ‘What about – you know – erogenous zones?’

  ‘Oh my,’ says Holly. ‘Someone’s been doing some research.’

  ‘Very funny.’

  She s
hakes her head.

  ‘You’ve seen that Friends episode, right?’ she says with a grin. ‘The one where Monica and the girls teach Chandler about erogenous zones?’

  He has seen that. He’d watched it with his mother. It had been embarrassing. He’d laughed without knowing entirely why and felt like she was looking at him the entire time although he didn’t want to check.

  ‘Yeah – but they don’t even show us what they’re talking about!’

  ‘Anything can be an erogenous zone,’ she says.

  David knocks a couple of comics across the room.

  ‘OK,’ says Holly. ‘A couple of things. Nipples don’t unscrew.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Nipples? You know? You said you wanted practical advice. I don’t know what it is, but men seem to want to twist and turn and tweak them like they’re a fisherman trying to find The Shipping Forecast on the radio. I’ve even had them flicked. My advice is flick your own nipple a few times and see if you find it sexy.’

  ‘OK …’

  ‘The important thing is to remember that it’s not the same as when you’re, how shall I put it, on your own.’

  David stares at her.

  ‘Don’t look at me like that,’ she says. ‘You’re a teenager. You’re at it all the time at your age.’

  David opens his mouth to contest this, but what would be the point?

  ‘What I mean is,’ continues Holly with a sigh, ‘when you do it yourself – then it’s kind of about friction. You know what I mean.’

  David nods, tentatively.

  ‘But if you want to have the same effect on someone else, it will have to be about intensity.’

  ‘Intensity? What’s that supposed to mean?’

  Holly sighs.

  ‘It means you’re not trying to polish a shoe or start a fire. Well – I suppose you are trying to start a fire … in a way.’

  Holly grins. David stares at her, baffled.

  ‘Look, it means you have to start slowly and get more and more powerful. Start too quickly, too powerfully, and you’ll just exhaust yourself and irritate her. It’s like music – building up to a crescendo. Do you play the piano?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Shame.’

  ‘What about …? What about …? You know …’

  Holly raises an eyebrow.

  ‘You may have to give me a clue.’

  ‘How will I be intense in, you know, the right place?’

  ‘I’m imagining your research has involved pictures?’ says Holly.

  David bites on his bottom lip.

  ‘So you know where things are – roughly?’

  ‘Roughly.’

  ‘OK then,’ she says. ‘So just take it slowly and see how it goes. You’re worrying too much and that’s never a good thing. Maybe – if you are so stressed out about it – you’re not ready. Maybe you should just say you’re ill or something.’

  This has already occurred to David and been rejected. He can’t stand the idea of not being there; of being given this chance and not taking it – of not knowing.

  ‘I have to go. I just have to.’

  ‘Then go – and let things happen they way they want to. You’ll be fine.’

  David lies back on the pillow and Holly switches on the hoover and begins to clean. David closes his eyes and tries to accept that Holly must be right. He has to believe she knows more about this than he does. If she says it will be fine then it probably will.

  When she finishes, she crouches down and pats him on the leg.

  ‘Best of luck, David,’ she says. ‘You can tell me all about it the next time I see you.’

  He has an overwhelming urge to grab her and hold her but he nods and she leaves, clunking and clattering down the stairs.

  David trains the scope on the scaffolding across the other side of the gardens. It is deserted. The roofers seem to have finished their work. The new dormer window waits to be painted.

  David zooms in on the scaffolding planks and ladders, edging his way along almost as though he is walking on them himself.

  The sensation is so real in fact that he is forced to step back from the eyepiece, his legs suddenly weak with dizziness. An unwelcome memory creeps forward in the gloom at the back of his mind and he shakes his head to send it scuttling back where it came from.

  Chapter 29

  Keep Your Hair On

  The train journey is a short one but seems to have lasted for hours. David had wondered if it would feel awkward being with these people – people he has avoided for so many years – and now he has his answer. It is indeed awkward – painfully so.

  He and Ellen sit opposite each other across a small table, next to the window. Tilly sits next to Ellen, Finn next to David. Dylan and Kate sits across the aisle. An older couple sits next to them, the woman frowning every few minutes at Dylan’s constant swearing as she tries to read her Kindle.

  Ellen’s efforts to include him in every conversation have only made his exclusion feel all the more deliberate, when in reality it is simply because there is no overlap in the Venn diagram of his life and theirs – everything and everyone they talk about is alien – or anathema – to David and he would have been as happy gazing out of the window if Ellen had not felt the need to explain every reference to him.

  Joe was right. What the hell is he doing with these people? Sex. It is really just about sex. Because in the end he knows that he has only agreed because he fears that such a chance to be with a girl like Ellen may never come again, and the idea that his place on the train – in the house – in her bed – would be taken by someone else is unbearable.

  It is made all the stranger because he used to be one of these people. There is another life, another David, where he carried on hanging out with them all and maybe ended up at this very same spot, only by right instead of by some weird random turn of fate.

  He looks in their general direction and smiles and nods occasionally just to look as though he is paying attention, but their conversation is just a kind of background radio hum. No one but Ellen seems in the slightest bit bothered by his lack of input.

  ‘What did you think of him?’ says Ellen, giving him a nudge.

  ‘About who?’

  ‘Have you really not been listening at all?’

  ‘No, not really,’ he says.

  Tilly laughs. David smiles and sees that Dylan and Kate are engaged in their own private conversation, snippets of which float across above the noise of the train.

  ‘We were just talking about Mr Denton in history,’ she says. ‘We were saying how creepy he is.’

  ‘Is he?’

  David quite liked Mr Denton. Ellen smiles.

  ‘Don’t you think he’s got that serial-killer look about him?’

  ‘Not really, no.’

  Tilly laughs.

  ‘You’re so sweet,’ says Ellen. ‘He’s so sweet.’

  David soon allows himself to drift back out of the conversation. He looks at his own face reflected in the carriage window, superimposed in ghostly fashion over the passing countryside of wide flat fields and distant farmhouses. Huge wind turbines tower above, their white blades turning lazily against the pale blue sky.

  After they’ve stopped at several little stations, David sees the others getting restless and realises they are approaching their stop. Sure enough Ellen nudges him and says, ‘We’re here,’ as they slow down.

  They grab bags and jump off. Looking back at the train, David sees the couple who had been subjected to Dylan for the entire journey talking and shaking their heads.

  ‘We won’t all fit in the same cab,’ says Ellen as they all exit the little station, grabbing David by the arm. ‘We’ll follow you.’

  ‘You sure?’ says Kate.

  ‘It’s not far,’ says Finn. ‘You’ve got the address, haven’t you?’

  ‘Yeah. No problem. We’ll see you later.’

  The first taxi drives off and Ellen snuggles into David and pulls him close. David tenses at he
r touch.

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  She shakes his arm.

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘They don’t like me.’

  He knows he should not voice this. What’s the point? But he cannot stop himself. Ellen laughs.

  ‘Sure they do.’

  ‘They don’t,’ says David firmly. ‘They don’t want me here. I shouldn’t have come.’

  Ellen lets him go and takes a couple of steps backwards.

  ‘Maybe if you made more of an effort.’

  You see? he tells himself. Idiot. Now he has to defend his idiocy.

  ‘What?’ says David. ‘Why have I got to make an effort?’

  ‘Because they’re my friends, David,’ says Ellen.

  David shrugs. Ellen frowns.

  ‘I thought you wanted to come.’

  ‘I did,’ says David. ‘I do.’

  ‘Well, you don’t look like it.’

  ‘I just wish it was us – just us.’

  Ellen smiles. OK. Good.

  ‘It will be. Later.’

  Ellen slips her arms round his waist.

  ‘Where to?’ says the driver of the taxi through a half-open window. Ellen laughs.

  ‘Look at us – heading off for a dirty weekend!’

  She hugs him again.

  ‘Hello?’ says the taxi driver in a heavy accent. ‘You want cab or not?’

  ‘All right, all right,’ says Ellen. ‘Keep your hair on.’

  The taxi driver gets out of the car and opens the boot. He is short, dark-skinned. Ellen bursts out laughing when she sees he is bald. She gets in the back of the car while David hands their bags to the driver and gets in the back with Ellen, who is still giggling.

  ‘Keep your hair on,’ she whispers.

  David smiles at the frowning driver as he opens the door.

  ‘Where to?’ the man says as he gets in.

  Ellen gives the taxi driver the address and the detailed explanation she had been given to go with it and they pull away from the station out towards the main road.

  It is a small town and it isn’t long before they have reached the outskirts. Ellen looks out of the window on her side and without turning round slides her hand onto David’s crotch and squeezes, making him whimper slightly and shift in his seat. Ellen giggles and squeezes again. The driver frowns in his rear-view mirror. There are prayer beads hanging from it.