Spaced Out

by Korissa Allen

  “Worried that I wasn’t going to wake? Or that we wouldn’t get to leave on time?” I say, anger clear in my tone. He gives me a puzzled look, as if he can’t remember what he said, but then it seems to come back.

  “Oh, you heard… I didn’t mean…” I put up my hand and he stops talking.

  “Save it, I don’t care. What I do care about, though, is where Kelton is,” I say. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Daniel squirm.

  “I don’t know,” my father says. “I assumed he left.” I shake my head in disbelief.

  Kelton couldn’t have left us, couldn’t have left me. There are two sides to every story, and I’m going to find the other side…. I attempt to stand up. My legs wobble underneath my weight, and I start to feel dizzy again. My father grabs my arm and pulls me into a standing position. I hold on to his arm until my knuckles turn white. I steady myself and walk over to the edge of the platform and sit down. This may not be the best idea, but it’s where I last saw Kelton. And maybe if I wait long enough, he’ll come back.

  Daniel sits next to me, dangling his legs over the edge like I do. He puts his arm around me, probably so I don’t fall again. “You know, maybe it would be best if you didn’t sit here. I mean the last two times you did, you fell off,” he says with a laugh. I don’t look at him.

  “I’m fine,” I say quietly. He stops laughing, removes his arm from around me, and clasps his hands in his lap.

  “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry he left. He really liked you, you know. He really liked hanging out with Kyle too. You probably knew that, it was kind of hard to miss.” He smiles a sad smile, but I don’t react. He must assume I already knew all of that. “Zandrea, you know how we made a silent promise never to lie to each other, because that would only complicate things? Well, I have a confession, and I think you do too.” I can’t look him in the eye, but I have to, or he’ll know something’s definitely wrong.

  “What’s your confession?” I ask. He looks down at the ground and back to me. His dark eyes hollow and sad.

  “Kelton is gone because of me,” he says with a sigh.

  Maybe I should have listened to him when he said not to sit on the edge of the platform. That might have been smart. He holds on to me so I don’t fall for the third time in the last forty-eight hours.

  “I told you, you probably shouldn’t have sat there, but did you listen? No! And I guess I shouldn’t be surprised,” he says with a small eye roll.

  “Why is he gone because of you? What did you do?” I’m furious with him. My face grows hot, and I clench my fists.

  “Because…” He pauses, and then his eyes narrow. The deep blue eyes piercing me, pinning me to what he believes is the truth. “I knew you would be angry with me. I did it for our own good. He was a distraction, and we need you to help us get out of here.”

  “He was not a distraction!” I yell at him. “He’s wanted to get out of here for years now, and you just took that away. I mean, how would you like it if something you’ve wanted for so long is just taken from you, because of someone else?” He looks down at his feet.

  “Believe me, I do. I know exactly how it feels,” he says, his cold tone chilling me. He stands up, lingers for a little bit, and then walks away. He was probably expecting me to say something, but I’m speechless.

  What is he talking about? When has he ever felt something like that? I stand up to chase him, but he hasn’t moved much.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask. He looks down at his feet again and then back to me, his eyes holding my gaze. He glides over to where I stand until he’s inches from my face.

  “I’m talking about you,” he says.

  My heart skips a beat as he walks away from me. He’s talking about me? What’s that supposed to mean? And then I get it.

  My head hurts, and it’s painful to think about anything besides what’s in front of me. “You’ve loved me ever since we met?” I ask in disbelief.

  “No, but after I got to know you, I started to realize how alike we were,” he says. “You were twelve when we met, and I was fifteen. You were still getting used to the world, unlike me who had seen it firsthand. I didn’t want to overwhelm you.”

  He loved me before I loved him. I liked him right away, but that’s different. And he’s right, I was only twelve. I was a little girl who hadn’t seen the world for what it really had to offer. Everything was cupcakes and butterflies to me, until I met him and learned the other part of life—the part no one warns you about, the part everyone seems to throw under the rug until moving day.

  “I hate to admit this, but I was, and still am, jealous of you and Kelton,” he says, his eyes wavering from mine, not being able to look at me directly back. “I can tell you love him, and I was just a distraction. I wish things were different. If we hadn’t met him, we could still be together. But I let my emotions get the best of me, and I got angry. I told him to leave, or I would hurt you. Of course, he didn’t believe me considering I loved you and wouldn’t hurt you if my life depended on it. So, and I regret every bit of this, I pushed him off the platform.” He looks miserable and angry but mostly just sad and disappointed. I step forward and wrap my arms around him, pulling him into a hug, but he pushes me away.

  “I don’t deserve you,” he says. “I never have, and I never will. Tell Kelton I’m sorry for what I did. I don’t expect him to forgive me. Go be with him, and do me a favor, forget about me. It will be better for both of us.” He pushes my arm away and walks toward the open window. I run after him, even though he’s only a few paces in front of me. I grab his arm again, but he doesn’t stop walking.

  “Daniel, I know what you’re going to do. Stop, it’s not worth it and you know it. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for me,” I say, my voice shaking.

  “Why? We both know we’re going to be miserable unless I do this. Go find Kelton. Do it for me, okay?” he says.

  I take a deep breath. “Daniel,” I say, and he stops walking. “Look at me. I loved you first. I liked you ever since I met you. As I got to know you and your story more, I grew to love you. I kept telling myself not to, because it could only hurt me and I couldn’t handle that. I eventually couldn’t help myself, and I went ahead and loved you anyway.”

  “When you asked me to marry you, I almost fainted I was so happy. But right after you told me you loved me, Kelton told me the same thing. I didn’t want to believe it at first. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t love him and that I only loved you, but it didn’t work, just like it didn’t with you. And now my soon-to-be husband wants to jump out of a window, just so he doesn’t have to face the fact that his soon-to-be wife is in love with two people.”

  I take a breath. It feels weird admitting that out loud, considering I haven’t completely accepted the fact myself. Yet somehow saying it to him makes the truth in it ring a little louder, calling my attention. It scares me. How could I want something so bad and still feel like giving it up is the best option?

  “Zandrea, I want you to be happy, that’s why I have to do this,” he says and continues walking.

  “I’m not going to be happy if you jump out that window,” I retort.

  He doesn’t stop walking, and I don’t stop following him. I try to pull him back, but he doesn’t even glance my way. He steps onto the mini-platform and hoists one leg out the window. I can’t see the ground with all of the fog the day brings, but I know how far it was to the top—a dance with death if someone were to fall or jump at this height. I grab his arm as my hair blows all over. With my free hand, I tuck the loose strands of hair behind my ear.

  “Don’t jump,” I yell. The wind is loud enough to cause ringing in my ears.

  “It’s too late,” he says. “I’m sorry, but I know it’ll make you happier, just trust me.” He knows I can’t, and again trust is the issue at hand.

  “Promise me something,” he says over the sound of the wind. “You will forget about me and love Kelton. I don’t want you thinking about what mig
ht or could have been between us, understand? Please, just do that for me.” He hoists his other leg out the window. By now, I’m bawling my eyes out, begging him not to leave. He turns around for a moment, kisses my forehead, and lets go of the window frame. I reach out for him, grabbing only air as he descends far below the thick fog. Everything runs in slow motion. I sit exactly where he sat and cry until I fall asleep.

  Morning doesn’t come soon enough. I am awoken by many nightmares, one of the scariest was when Daniel fell to his death and I stood there holding Kelton’s hand, smiling. He screamed out, yelling for me to help him, but I told him that I was happy and he was merely a memory. I woke up screaming at that and looked out the window. I wanted him to be hanging there, or sitting or something, but I only found fog. The rest of the nightmares were a variation of that.

  My father must have moved me away from the window so I didn’t fall out, because I wake up next to a pile of burlap bags filled with different materials, not next to the window where I remember falling asleep.

  Kyle and my father are already awake, Kyle grabbing a steel rod and handing it to my father. He nods at him like he’s thanking him. I remember what my father said about me not working very much when I was half blacked out. I stand up and walk over to my father. He sees me first and smiles a tired smile.

  “Hey sweetheart, do you need something?” he asks.

  “I was just going to ask you the same thing. I know I haven’t been very productive lately,” I say, smiling back.

  He looks at me, his eyes gleaming, and he nods his head. He points over to a pile of steel rods and tells me what to do.

  “Bring me as many of those as you can, okay. I’m going to use them to build another ship to get us out of here,” he says and gets back to work.

  I walk over to the pile where Kyle leans over a couple of rods, straining his back.

  “Need some help?” I ask. He looks at me and smiles.

  “Sure! Grab the ends of them and we can take them together,” he says excitedly. I walk around to the back of the rods and grab the ends. They’re a lot heavier than I expected, and I can see why Kyle was straining his back.

  It makes the load lighter when you suffer together, I think, but this only makes me think of Kelton, and how he left, and Daniel, and how he jumped. My eyes start to tear up, and I sniffle. Kyle doesn’t say anything, even though I know he can hear me. Maybe he just wants to let me cry in peace.

  We set the rods down next to my father, and he tells us we can go and play or something.

  “Go be kids! You’ve helped me plenty, and I’ll call you back if I need you,” he says. He understands I need time to process what happened last night.

  I walk over to the edge of the platform, my new safe place, but I don’t sit down. No one is here this time to keep me from falling. I stare at the space where I saw Kelton right before I fell for the third time. I don’t know why I’m looking; maybe I’m just hoping he shows up again. It feels selfish to be wanting him considering what happened last night, but Daniel did tell me he wanted me to be happy.

  Kyle walks over to where I stand, but he sits down. “Are you going to sit?” he asks me. I smile.

  “Are you going to keep me from falling?” I ask while sitting down. He laughs lightly, because he knows that I’ve probably broken the record for How Many Times Someone Has Fallen From a Platform. I start laughing too, until I remember last night’s events. My laughter stops, and so does his.

  “Why did Daniel jump? Didn’t he know I wasn’t going to be happy without him? I mean, I love Kelton, but something’s missing,” I say.

  “You do?” Kyle asks.

  “Yes. I mean he loves me, and you guys seemed to be best friends, and I just couldn’t help it. He’s Kelton, and he’s gone. Do you know where he went?” I ask him, not really expecting an answer.

  “No, I don’t. I’m sorry,” he says. “Kelton told me he loved you, and I was worried at first. I could tell by the way you looked at Daniel that you liked him, and I didn’t want things to get complicated or anything. He was scared to tell you, so he asked me if I could. I told him that if you were ever going to love him back, he had to tell you himself. But now I wish I hadn’t told him that, because then things would be different and Daniel might still be here. I’m really sorry. This is all my fault.” I can tell he’s holding back tears for my sake, but I wish he wouldn’t. I want someone to cry so I don’t feel as alone.

  Kyle and I sit there, on the edge of the platform for a very long time, not saying anything. I realize how grown up Kyle looks now compared to when I first saw him two weeks ago. He looks his age, instead of ten years old like he did when I saw him for the first time a week ago. He’s taller, and stronger built, but with a smaller frame. Muscles have replaced his baby arms, and his soft brown hair falls in layers over the top of his head. His voice has dropped slightly from his high-pitched whine.

  I let Kyle cry in peace and find he has soft, quiet cries, and I’m not sure if he’s crying or breathing heavily. I put my arm around him, and he puts his head on my shoulder.

  “Kyle, this isn’t your fault,” I say. “It’s mine, if anyone. I loved Daniel and I shouldn’t have let my feelings change. You did what you had to do, and I don’t expect anything more. I love you, Kyle. I always have, and I always will. I thought of you a lot while I was searching for the Stoneards, and I didn’t want to come back until I had something. You’ve grown up a lot this trip, and I’m very proud of you. Stay the sweet little brother I’ve always known you to be.” I playfully nudge him in the arm. He smiles at the ground. It’s good to see you smile again, I think.

  An hour later, my father tells us it’s time to eat. I open one of the sacks of food that contains oats. I grab a handful and give the sack to my father, who takes two handfuls and passes it to Kyle. He looks at it hesitantly and grabs a small handful. The oats are dry and rough on my tongue, making it hard to swallow them. One of the sacks to my right has dried carrot shavings. The sack to my left has chopped potatoes in it. I take one of the slices and pop it in my mouth. It’s slightly dry and untasteful.

  I don’t feel like eating. My mind is elsewhere and my stomach hurts. The slice of potato I ate only adds to the uneasy feeling in my stomach. I stand up and walk over to the window. I need fresh air or I might throw up. I sit on the ledge where Daniel sat before he jumped and look down. The sky is clear tonight, and I can see moving dots on the ground far below. Must be people enjoying their night. Must be nice to be happy all of the time.

  I can’t stay next to the window for long. It brings back too many painful memories. I push all thoughts of last night away and go back to where Kyle and my father sit. They both look tired from working so hard, and I feel guilty. If I had worked as hard as them, I would probably be as tired as they looked. Maybe I should, just to get my mind off things.

  “We should all get some rest,” my father says. “We have a big day tomorrow. We’ll head back to Coreno first thing in the morning. Hopefully the extra-powered turbine engine I installed will get us all the way there.” He says that last part mostly for his benefit.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t help more. You guys did a really good job, though,” I say with fake enthusiasm. I wish it was real, but ever since Kelton went missing and Daniel jumped to his death, the only emotion I feel is sadness and regret.

  “Thank you!” my father says a little too cheerfully. He puts his hand on my shoulder. “It was hard work, but I couldn’t have done it without you. I know things have been harder recently, but it’ll get easier, I promise.”

  He takes his hand off my shoulder and walks over to his contraption, where he continues to work on it. Maybe that’s his coping mechanism.

  We’re leaving tomorrow, and still no sign of Kelton. I can’t just leave him here. He’s wanted to get out of here ever since he first stole that uniform. Why did Daniel have to push him away?

  I walk to the part of the platform where I last saw Kelton, hoping that somehow he might have r
eturned. He’s not; the area is completely empty. Something about this doesn’t seem right. One would think that after the guards left, someone would have said that there were rebels in this area, but no one has come to investigate. Where is he? Why has he not come back? Or, an even more important question is: why do I care? He’s gone, and I should be happy. But I’m not, and I don’t know why.

  But I do know why. I let myself love him, even when I thought I loved Daniel. Is it possible I love Kelton more than Daniel? Or just differently?

  Kyle comes bouncing over to me; he looks ten times happier than I wish I felt.

  “You want to do something? I’m tired of being sad all the time. I wanted to cheer you up!” he says, and I want to cry tears of joy. It’s been too long of a time where someone has made me feel like crying tears of joy, and I don’t want this feeling to ever leave me again.

  “Sure. What do you want to do?” I don’t want to make this all about me.

  “I don’t care. I was hoping you would tell me,” he says. I think for a moment. What I truly want to do is find Kelton and leave this place for good, but I don’t think that’s what he had in mind. “What if we went looking for Kelton?” It’s as if he can read my mind.

  I shrug as if that wasn’t exactly what I was thinking. He reaches down and hooks the rope that hangs loosely from the platform around his waist. He looks like the bungee jumper from a video I watched once. His arms poised out to the side, his knees bent. I put my hand on his shoulder before he jumps, and he turns around to look at me.

  “Are you sure this is how you want to get down there? I’ve fallen plenty of times, and it seems to do the trick,” I say with a laugh. He just looks at me, confidence overpowering his light blue eyes. “Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  He bends his knees one more time as he releases his feet from the platform’s edge. He sails down the side of the platform, his head closest to the ground. Once he gets about halfway down, he spreads his arms out to the side, like he’s a bird in mid-flight.