Spaced Out

by Korissa Allen

  Damien looks over my shoulder. “Good,” he says. “They’re alive.”

  “Yeah,” I say almost breathless. “I just have to check one more person.”

  I type in Daniel’s number and the machine brings up his information. I have to scroll down a ways because he has a lot of information regarding his flight experience. Once I get to his Existence Status, my heart drops. It reads DECEASED.

  I can’t move. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I’m frozen. I think I fall backward at one point because Damien’s strong hands grab my sides like in a trust fall. My vision goes blurry, probably from tears. I can make out Cody’s face through the blurriness. He looks concerned. Voices mumble all around me, and it’s impossible to make out what any one person is saying. My head is spinning.

  I’m back on my feet again, unstable but standing. Someone’s hand is on my shoulder. I assume it’s Damien’s. I cover my face with my hands and melt to the ground on my knees. Damien wraps his arm around my waist and envelops my hand in his. He helps me stand up and then leads me to a bench near the Codereaders. I’m sobbing.

  Damien says something to Cody and Lila and they run off. He turns his attention to me but doesn’t say anything. Instead he strokes my hair, a comforting gesture that eases me slightly. I rest my head on his shoulder, something that both comforts and alarms me. It scares me that I’ve known Damien for less than a day and I already feel so comfortable around him, like I’ve known him my whole life.

  “I loved him,” I say quietly.

  “I know,” Damien says. I look at him questioningly. He quickly adds, “I mean, from the way you talked about him and the way you reacted when you found out he’s dead. I’m sure he loved you too.”

  “I never told him,” I say staring blankly in front of me. “I don’t think he knew because I never said anything.”

  “Yeah, but actions speak louder than words,” he says. “I knew this girl once. She was amazing. I would have done anything for her, but I was scared.”

  He looks at me but I don’t say anything.

  “We worked together,” he continues. “One day, I talked her into helping me with a project across the galaxy. She was super excited, but the Corps caught us when we stopped on Vulcona to refuel. They offered to let one of us go. I was going to sacrifice myself, but she beat me to it. The Corps took her away and let me go. I knew right then and there that she loved me because she risked her life so I would be free.”

  “Have you seen her since?” I ask.

  “I checked the Codereader everyday to make sure she was still alive,” he says. “One day I saw her. She was walking downtown, buying things at different street vendors. I was so happy, but she didn’t see me, and she left to go back home. I was devastated, but there was nothing I could do.”

  “Why don’t you go try to find her?” I ask.

  “I have,” he says. “I know where she is, but I don’t have a ride, and I’m not sure she would want to see me. Besides, it’s safer here.”

  “Are you a coward?” I ask. “She risked her life for you, why can’t you do the same?”

  “It’s… complicated,” he says. “It’s safer for her if she stays away from me.”

  “Why?” I ask.

  “Like I said, it’s complicated,” he says.

  “If you love her, shouldn’t you be doing everything in your power to go be with her?” I ask incredulously.

  “Shouldn’t you?” he retorts. He sounds mad.

  “What do you think I’ve been doing?” I ask using the same tone.

  “You should go be with your father and brother, now that you know they’re alive,” he says.

  “How did you know that?” I ask.

  “Know what?”

  “That my father and brother are alive; I never told you that was who I was looking up,” I say.

  “I just assumed,” he says, avoiding eye contact. “And I’m pretty sure you’ve mentioned them before.”

  I don’t argue, but I’m sure that I never mentioned Kyle or my father. I look at him but he stares straight ahead. He looks sad, defeated, but most of all, worried. I don’t know why, but I slip my hand into his, the warmth comforting against my icy palms. He looks at our hands but doesn’t say anything.

  Lila and Cody come back a little later, each holding a treat from the snack bar we passed on our way to the Codereaders. They look happy.

  “Are you all better?” Cody asks.

  I smile. “I’m doing better,” I say, despite it not being completely truthful. “Thanks for asking.”

  He returns the smile and sits on the bench next to me. He leans his head on my arm and finishes his treat. I find that his presence is soothing, like the little brother Kyle could have been if I was there to see him grow up. I wish I could have been there for him, for my mother. I shouldn’t have left them. But I wouldn’t have met Daniel. And I probably wouldn’t have done half the things I’ve done, the things that make me who I am. I wish I could have told him all of this. I wish he was sitting right next to me, holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be alright. He would tell me to go be with my family. And as if he were here, I take his advice.

  “I have to go home,” I announce, standing up. “I’ve been away from my family for too long.”

  “Zandrea,” Damien says softly.

  “Yeah?” I answer.

  “Would it be okay if, and you can say no, if I went with you?” he asks hesitantly.

  “Sure,” I say. “But why?”

  “I have to go get my girl,” he says with a slight smile. “Like you said, she risked her life for me, so I should do the same.”

  I smile and head for the hallway outside the room. Cody slips his hand into mine. I’d like to think that Kyle would have been like this when he was younger. I can’t wait to see him again. Hopefully this time I can stay with him and watch him grow into a young man.

  Damien leads us out into the hallway and we follow him down the hall back to the giant foyer. People still stare at me as I pass by, but I’m too focused on getting back home to really care. Two women walk by us, and the one starts whispering to the other. I don’t completely hear what they say, but I know they’re talking about me.

  The front foyer is bustling with people. Some of the people carry briefcases, whereas others just their tablets. People pass by with warm drinks in their hands, trying not to spill it on themselves. It’s a funny scene but I follow Damien outside the building before anything happens. The man who was standing by the door when we first got here is nowhere to be seen. My guess is he went to pawn off the Stoneard I gave him.

  The sun hits my face and warms me. I don’t know why, but the initial sting of Daniel’s death has already worn off. I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel anything. Something seems off though. How did Kyle and my father make it out alive and Daniel didn’t? What happened? Was it the Corps’ fault or his own?

  A thought hits me. “Damien?” I ask, looking at him.

  “Yeah?” he responds.

  “Has the Codereader ever been wrong?”

  “No,” he says. “Not that I know of. And they’re hacker-proof, so only people with access codes can alter people’s information.”

  “Who has the access codes?” I ask.

  “Mostly people who work at the Corps’ headquarters,” he says. “But I think they give access codes to a handful of people on each planet.”

  “Random people?” I ask, my hopes getting higher.

  “No,” he says. “Probably people who work for the government.”

  “Oh,” I say, letting my disappointment fill my voice.

  “But I’m not saying it can’t be wrong,” he says sensing my disappointment. “I just think it would be extremely rare for there to be a disturbance with the system.”

  “Right,” I say. “Of course.” He can tell I’m still disappointed, but he doesn’t say anything. The city is busy with people moving in every direction, talking all at once, and yet I can’t seem to process anyth
ing that’s happening.

  Damien slips his hand into mine and gives it a reassuring squeeze. The warmth of his hand feels familiar, comforting. Anyone walking past us probably assumes we’re a happy family of four. But I’m not happy, and I don’t want to give the illusion that I am. I pull my hand away from Damien and cross my arms protectively across my torso.

  “You okay?” Damien asks. His voice is like silk.

  I nod, but he knows I’m lying.

  “You don’t have to be okay,” he says. It reminds me of what Kyle said to me after the ship crash. “You just found out that your boyfriend is dead. It’s okay to mourn.”

  I shake my head and burst into tears. Damien wraps his arms around me. Cody leans his head on my side and gives me a small hug. “I can’t do this,” I say in between sobs. “I can’t do this without him. I miss him so much.”

  Damien doesn’t say anything. The silence fills the air with an explanation words never could. He lets me cry into his shoulder. The realization of Daniel’s death finally hits me. I will never get to see him again, tell him anything, tease him, and fight with him. I feel empty, alone.

  Damien says something, but I don’t hear him. “What?” I ask, suppressing a sob.

  “I said we should go,” he says. “The ship port will be closing soon.”

  “I can’t fly a ship,” I say. “Not in this condition.”

  “That’s okay,” he says. “I can.” He motions for me to follow him. I rub my eyes, trying to get rid of any remaining tears. Cody grabs my hand again, and Lila skips ahead to walk alongside Damien.

  “Why were you crying so much today?” Cody’s small voice asks.

  I look down at him, his big eyes staring back at me. They remind me of Eli’s, big and full of hope. I wonder how the Corps for even a second considered him to work for them; the innocence in his eyes spoke volume apparently not loud enough for the Corps to hear.

  “I lost my best friend,” I say. Saying it out loud hurts more than I thought it would. It hits me hard because now I’m forced to believe it’s true. “And I was very close to him.”

  “But he wasn’t anywhere near us,” Cody says. “How could you be close to someone who’s not next to you?”

  His question is so innocent, and the look on his face is enough to tell me he’s being serious. I almost start laughing at how adorable the question is.

  “He wasn’t physically close like you are to me,” I say. “He was emotionally close, like when you love someone so much you would do anything for them. It’s like you and Lila. You don’t have to stand right next to each other to be close, but I know you love her because you didn’t leave her in the house earlier when we had to go. You are emotionally close to her.”

  His face scrunches up as he tries to process this. “I guess that makes sense,” he says. “I’m sorry that he’s gone.”

  I smile a sad smile and hope he understands that I don’t really want to talk about it. Thankfully, he doesn’t say anything more.

  We return to the ship port where I sign some release documents. Damien leaves to go talk to his manager about quitting and leaving with me. He comes back a few minutes later with a box in his hands, stuff piling inside. He waves to a couple of his coworkers before motioning me outside. We walk down the long row of hangars, eventually making it back to the one that contains my ship.

  I pull the ship’s keys from my pocket. “Here,” I say. “Trade.” I take the box from him and hand him the keys in return. He steps up the rungs of the ladder on the side of the ship, taking it two at a time. He sticks the key into the lock on the door once he reaches the top. He pushes the door to the side and steps insides, motioning for us to follow him.

  “I don’t think I can climb that high,” Cody says, looking up at the door. It’s only a few feet above my head, but Cody is much shorter than me.

  “Here,” I say, grabbing his hand. “I’ll help you.” I guide his hand to the railing, and he places his foot on the bottom rung. I place my hand on his back so he won’t fall. He slowly makes his way up the ladder, and Damien helps guide him from the top.

  Once he’s safely inside the ship, I help Lila up the ladder, handing her off to Damien once she gets up high enough. She seems less fearful than Cody, but she doesn’t let go of Damien’s hand until she’s all the way inside.

  I ascend the ladder next, moving faster than the others. I’m used to this considering I’ve been copiloting and piloting a ship for the last six years. Daniel was a good teacher; he was patient and broke down instructions so I could understand them. Everything I know about flying a ship came from him. My knowledge is now limited.

  “Here,” Damien says, handing me a headset. “I know you might not be up to it, but I could use a copilot.”

  “Okay,” I say. Hopefully it helps take my mind off things.

  Damien begins backing out of the hangar as I check the different panels needed for taking off. He drives us over to the end of the runway and waits for the takeoff signal. The engines start roaring behind us, and I look over to see Lila and Cody covering their ears. I smile to myself because it reminds me of the first time Daniel and I flew together.

  I look over at Damien, who is staring at me. “What?” I ask with a slight smile.

  “Oh, nothing,” he says, turning back to look at the runway.

  I eye him suspiciously and he gives a small laugh.

  “So,” he says. “Does everything seem to be in order?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “Ready when you are.”

  The traffic control assistant motions us forward and gives us the all clear. Damien pushes the fuel lever forward, and the engines whirr even louder. I’m thrust back in my seat as we race down the runway. Pretty soon, we’re in the air and the buildings below us get smaller and smaller. I hear Lila and Cody gasp in the back seat, probably because they’ve never been this high up.

  I look over at Damien, who is smiling to himself. It puts a sad knot in my stomach. I turn away from him and look out the window. Something about his smile reminds me so much of Daniel, and it hurts to think that it’s not him sitting in the pilot’s seat next to me.

  “So I guess I never really asked what planet you live on,” Damien says, glancing at me.

  I turn to face him. “Coreno,” I say. “I don’t think my family moved or anything.”

  “It’s nice you have people to go back to,” he says. “My mother died when I was young and my father left.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I say. “Do you have any siblings?”

  “I’m an only child,” he says. “But it’s okay. I’ve learned how to deal with things on my own. I was forced to grow up a little faster than some of the people around me.”

  “Was that difficult?” I ask.

  “At times,” he says. “But it helped me see things for what they really are.”

  “You remind me of my brother,” I say. He glances at me questioningly. “I mean you guys are similar because he also had to grow up fast. It’s a long story but it’s why I’m out here and not at home.”

  “Why are you out here?” he asks.

  “I told you, it’s a long story,” I say.

  “It’s a long ride back to Coreno,” he says back.

  I sigh. “My father left when I was young,” I say. “He wanted to find a Stoneard. He was a regular trader. One day, some Corps’ guards came to our house and told him that if he wanted to continue trading, he would have to go find the biggest Stoneard he could and bring it to them. But my father didn’t know it was a trap, and he was kidnapped and held hostage until I found him and freed him a few weeks ago.”

  “Was he on Juema?” he asks.

  “No,” I say. “Vulcona. At the Corps’ headquarters. I was there for a while before I came here.”

  “Why didn’t you go straight home?” he asks.

  “I needed to tell Lila and Cody’s mom that her ex-husband died,” I say. “It was something he wanted me to do for him.”

  “Were you and this guy clos
e?” he asks, a hint of jealousy playing at the edge of his tone.

  “I literally met him and within the same day he died,” I say. “But I did get to hear about his ex-wife and kids and how he had to leave them to save them and stuff like that.”

  “It sounds like you knew this guy well,” he says, the jealousy in his tone impossible to hide.

  “First of all,” I say getting a little frustrated. “I didn’t know him that well. I didn’t even really consider him a friend. And second, why do you care so much? My personal life shouldn’t affect you like this. You don’t even know me.”

  “I don’t care,” he says. “It just seems like you’re really close to him despite your boyfriend dying so recently.”

  “I didn’t even know he was dead until I came here!” I yell. “Stop making assumptions and accusations about my life!”

  “I’m sorry,” he says, holding up his palms like he’s surrendering.

  “You don’t know anything about Eli or what he went through,” I say, still upset. “Don’t make assumptions about him either.”

  “Eli?” he asks.

  “That’s his name,” I say, like it should have been obvious.

  “Right,” he says. “Of course.” Then he’s silent.

  We don’t talk for a while. He continues to fly the ship and I look out the window or talk to Lila or Cody. At first, they hesitantly ask questions about their father. I answer them to the best of my ability, but I realize I don’t know as much about him as I thought. Too bad he wasn’t still alive, because then they could go live with him and ask him their questions personally.

  The whole time they ask questions, I can feel more and more tension building between Damien and I. At one point, I see him shift away from me. He looks out the window the whole time, keeping his face turned away from me.

  And just when I was beginning to like him, I think. But then I think that thought through. Do I really like him like that? No. I can’t. I push the thought away. I can’t do this again. It’s like what he implied, it’s too early for me to be with someone else.