by Piper Rayne
Which was why, despite not having slept and working the whole day, Nate was pumped with adrenaline and energy, cleaning up his apartment and running the words through his mind again and again. He was planning what he was going to say to her. How he was going to tell her that he wanted to be with her again.
Because the past was in the past. If things were between them the way they had been last night, there was absolutely no reason to look back at what either of them had done wrong. They could pick up where they had left off. It didn’t matter that she had been gone for six years.
It was almost nightfall when Nate left his apartment and traveled to Carol’s house. The house where he had picked Jenna up countless times to take her to school with him. Where he had gone to meet her in secret a thousand nights in a row. Where at least half of their memories were situated.
He parked his truck in front of Carol’s house and climbed out, trying not to slam the door too loudly. He knew Carol was sick, and even though he was sure everyone would be awake, he didn’t want to intrude. He just wanted to talk to Jenna.
He knocked on the door and took a step back, waiting.
A moment later, Carol opened the door.
“Nate,” she said with a smile. “How good to see you.”
“Likewise, Mrs. Carey,” Nate said.
Carol shook her head. “Come on, how many years has it been? How many times do I have to tell you to call me Carol?”
“At least one more time,” Nate said with a grin. “Is Jenna home, by any chance?”
Carol raised an eyebrow. “And here I was thinking you came to visit me.”
Nate chuckled and shook his head. “Unfortunately not. We have some unfinished business to discuss. But next time, it will be all about you.”
Carol laughed and opened the door wider. “Come in, make yourself at home. You know where everything is.”
Nate nodded. Carol’s house had been his second home for the longest time. He did know where everything was. But the only thing he was looking for right now was Jenna, and he knew exactly where to find her. In her room, just as before.
Nate knocked on the open door once to announce himself before he stepped in. Jenna lay on her bed, looking up at the ceiling. Nate glanced around. The room looked just like it used to when he would visit her. Somehow, it felt like they had traveled back in time, like no time had passed at all.
“Nate,” Jenna said, sitting up when she saw him. “What are you doing here?”
She didn’t look as happy to see Nate as he had hoped. But she looked like she had a headache. The way she drew her brows together when she looked at him was one of her tells. Nate was shaken by how well he knew her. Of course, after how much she had been drinking, she would still be suffering from a hangover.
“I wanted to talk to you about last night,” Nate said.
Jenna shook her head. “No, no, no. There isn’t anything to talk about.”
Nate frowned. Jenna shifted to the edge of the bed, looking uncomfortable in her own space. This wasn’t the Jenna Nate knew.
“What do you mean? There is a hell of a lot to talk about. You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.”
Jenna nodded vigorously. “Oh yes, I can. I was drunk, Nate. You know that. I am not going to go there with you. Last night was a mistake.”
Nate shook his head, struggling to process what he was hearing.
“Are you seriously going to pretend that it didn’t mean anything?” he asked. “After everything we’ve been through—”
“That’s all in the past, Nate,” Jenna said.
Nate was getting angry. Why the hell did she have to be so difficult?
“Look here, Jen. You can’t just come back to town and waltz into my life as if nothing went wrong between us, only to backpedal and pretend it didn’t happen at all. You don’t get to decide this by yourself.”
Jenna shook her head. “I made a mistake, okay? Yes, there is still some leftover emotions, things we never took care of.”
“Because you left,” Nate pointed out.
Jenna nodded. “Yeah, fine. That’s on me. But I left. And I’m not back.”
“What are you doing here, then?” Nate asked. This was going so differently from what he had imagined. He had thought that they were going to be reunited, that they were going to pretend like the past hadn’t happened. Everything between them had been perfect since day one.
“I’m here to make sure my mom is okay. But I live in the city now. I have a job there, a life.”
“And a boyfriend? Husband?” Nate asked. He knew he didn’t want to hear the answer, but he couldn’t help himself.
“That’s none of your business,” Jenna snapped. “Why the hell are you here, anyway?”
“Because I thought the Jenna I used to know was still here. But it looks like it’s just you.”
Jenna winced as if Nate had punched her. For a moment, Nate felt bad. But he couldn’t be responsible for her reaction when she was treating him like dirt.
“I can’t do this,” Jenna finally said, her words so soft that Nate could barely hear them.
“Are you just going to run away again?” Nate asked. Anger grew in his chest, heat spreading through his veins. He clenched his fists so hard his knuckles turned white. How was it possible that someone like Jenna could drive him crazy and infuriate him at the same time?
“I’m not going into this with you,” Jenna said firmly. The vulnerable moment had passed. Nate was glad—she couldn’t stand her crying, never had been able to deal with it. And for a moment there, he had worried that it would go in that direction. But emotionless Jenna was back. This person that had left him behind, the person he didn’t know at all.
The person that hadn’t even said goodbye.
“So, you are running away,” Nate confirmed. “Maybe not physically, not yet, but you are refusing to face the music.”
“I have too much going on with my mom. Seeing that you live in town, I’m sure you know she isn’t well. I can’t deal with this and be emotionally strong for her, too. I am going to have to ask you to leave.”
It was Nate’s turn to wince. Jenna was so cold, so emotionless. Nate knew that it was hard with her mother being sick, he knew that Carol had been struggling, but he had somehow, at the back of his mind, figured that he could be there for her. That they could go through this together.
Instead, she was pushing him away. She didn’t even need to leave.
Go figure.
“I was wrong,” Nate finally said.
“About what?” Jenna asked.
“When I saw you last night, I was almost a hundred percent sure you were still the same person, the person I fell in love with. But I was wrong. That person left at the same time you did. And even though you’re standing in front of me, that Jenna never came back.”
Nate didn’t wait to see what effect his words had on Jenna. He spun around and left the room, storming through the house and out the door before Carol could stop him and offer him a glass of orange juice. He was furious. How was it possible that Jenna could throw away everything that had happened between them and not bat an eyelash about it?
Had their relationship meant so little to her? Had it all been a lie?
Because it had meant everything to him.
9
Jenna
Jenna and Carol sat in the living room on Monday night, watching television. It was some kind of cooking game show. Jenna struggled to pay attention. Her mind kept jumping all over the place. Back to New York where work was waiting, where she wasn’t sure if Sabrina was on top of things. Even though, when Jenna called, she said that she was fine.
Her mind also jumped to Nate. A lot more often than she was comfortable with. Jenna didn’t like thinking about him. If she thought about him, her mind flipped back to Saturday night, after she had returned to the restaurant. To the way that he had touched her, and how it had felt like home.
And how embarrassing it had been when she realized that she had
fallen into that trap—that she had run right back into his arms even though she had told herself she wouldn’t do it the moment she came back to Smithville.
God, why was she still weak? She was furious with herself.
Her alarm went off on her phone and Jenna stood.
“What’s that for?” Carol asked.
“It’s a reminder to take your medication,” Jenna said.
Carol sniffed indignantly. “I don’t know why all of you insist on giving me medication. I am fine.”
Jenna didn’t even try to argue with her mother. Carol was living in denial, and there was no use going into it. Jenna was just going to do what she needed to do—make sure her mom took her medication, watched her in case something went wrong, and, when everything was back to normal again with Carol in a stable place, Jenna was going to leave town.
She liked her course of action.
In the kitchen, Jenna opened the cabinet that contained all of her mother’s medications. When she had seen it after arriving, she had bounced back in shock. There were more pills than Smithville sold at the local pharmacy. But, since talking to Dr. Harris, Jenna understood Carol a little better. And now that she knew what to expect, it wasn’t nearly as bad.
Rather her mother was taking medication, even if there was a lot of it, than Carol not taking anything at all. The medication in the cabinet was proof that her mother was still trying to some extent to take care of herself.
That gave Jenna some peace of mind. If Carol was willing to take medication, Jenna could go back to New York without worrying about her mother’s health too much. After all, for Carol to get better, she had to want it herself.
Jenna got out the right bottles and counted out the pills Carol needed to take. Medication for her heart, for her stomach, since she had a reaction to the heart medication, calming agents to help her sleep, so many different kinds. Worry crept up on Jenna and tapped her on the shoulder. How long would her mother be around? But Jenna pushed the questions away. She couldn’t afford to go there.
Because, if she considered that her mother might be in a bad enough space to worry about how much time she had left, Jenna would be trapped. She would have to stay in Smithville much longer than she planned, and Jenna couldn’t do that. She had to get away as soon as possible. Sooner now, since Nate had paid her a visit.
Jenna got a glass with water and carried the medication in a small bowl to Carol, handing her the glass of water. She watched as Carol took her medication, making sure that everything went down.
She was calm on the surface because she wanted to spend some quality time with her mother, but, silently, Jenna was seething.
Who the hell did Nate think he was? She was furious with him. How could he have come to her house and demand that they go back to the way things were? That she not have a say in the matter? He wanted to pretend like nothing had changed.
But everything had changed. Even though he had said that the Jenna he knew and loved wasn’t there anymore, and his words had hurt, he had been right. Jenna wasn’t the same person she had been before. Now, she was someone who chased her own dreams. And that was something she didn’t have to be ashamed about. She wasn’t going to let Nate make her feel like she was wrong for doing what she needed to do.
Jenna didn’t want to focus too much on how she had left—that would mean she would have to admit that she had done it wrong. But everyone made mistakes. And it was six years later, for God’s sake. Surely, he could get over it.
Jenna wasn’t going to let Nate tell her to be someone and do something she didn’t want.
“Thank you, sweetheart,” Carol said when she finished the glass of water.
Jenna blinked, surprised. “Are you thanking me for the medication you hate so much?”
Carol laughed and shook her head.
“Don’t get excited. I am never going to agree with you about all the medication I need to take. I still think both you and Doctor Harris are overreacting. I am saying thank you that you are back here and trying to take care of me. There is nothing wrong with me, but I can appreciate the gesture when I see one.”
Jenna smiled and took the empty glass back to the kitchen before she joined her mother in the living room, sitting down next to her on the couch again.
“Harry Jensen is getting old,” Carol said, pointing at one of the guest judges on the screen. “Is that what we all look like now?”
I shook my head. “Everyone gets older, Mom. But you didn’t age badly. He, on the other hand…”
Carol laughed.
Jenna tried to let the game show and the time she spent with her mother distract her. But every now and then, she caught herself thinking about Nate again, her mind wandering to the memories they had shared and the conversation they had had last night.
It would have been so easy if Jenna felt absolutely nothing. It would have been a breeze to tell him to leave her alone and walk away without thinking about it twice. The problem was that Jenna still had feelings for him.
She had hoped that being away from him for so long would have numbed her, that eventually the feelings would have gone away. But seeing him again, kissing him again, had only brought it all back. And somehow it felt stronger than before.
You’re an idiot, Jenna scolded herself. She should never have gone to the restaurant. Maybe, with Naomi, it had been fine because it had been a party with a hundred other people. But afterward, when Jenna ditched Naomi in the fast food joint; that part had been a mistake.
Jenna was irritated. Not just with herself for what she had done, but with Nate for trying to convince her that everything could be as it used to be. She was irritated that, somehow, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t stop thinking about Nate. She couldn’t stop feeling for him. Because he was the boy who had stolen her heart. Her first. With everything. And no matter what, when she saw him, butterflies erupted in her stomach. She wanted to be with him when she was around him.
It was how she had felt since the moment she first laid eyes on him.
It was bullshit that she still felt the same. But, no matter how hard she tried, Jenna couldn’t stop thinking about Nate. She couldn’t help but wonder how hard it would be to leave Smithville behind again.
And that only pissed her off more. Because she wanted to be able to leave the small town behind and not look back. She wanted to be excited about her life in New York, about going back and doing what she did best.
But the more time Jenna spent in Smithville, the more she started to see New York as an escape. A place to run to where her past couldn’t find her.
It only meant that Jenna had to get back home as soon as possible. Carol needed to get better, she has to get used to the medication, and Jenna needed to leave. The longer she stayed, the more trouble she was in. She couldn’t afford to run into Nate again, not even one more time. Not even just in passing. Because then it would all start over again, the emotions that kept returning. The memories that wanted Jenna, even when she slept now.
If she went back to New York soon, perhaps in a day or two, Jenna could pretend none of it had ever happened.
She was getting so good at that, after all. It was what Nate had accused her of. Pretending that nothing had happened. But it was the only way Jenna knew how to get rid of the emotions that wouldn’t leave. It was the only way Jenna knew how to forget that she loved him at all.
The alternative would be to be heartbroken, to pine over him. And since she had been the one to make that decision, since she had been the one who had decided to leave, Jenna couldn’t afford to be heartbroken. She needed to stand up, suck it up. Whichever was necessary.
Because this was what she had chosen. This was what she had wanted.
“Honey?” Carol asked, and Jenna realized that her mom had been talking to her and she hadn’t heard a word.
“I’m sorry, what?” Jenna asked.
“Is everything okay?” Carol asked.
Jenna nodded. “Perfectly fine.”
; Why was it so easy to lie about it?
“You know,” Carol said. “It’s not a terrible thing to like being back home.”
Jenna shook her head. How did her mother know what she was thinking about?
“Who says I don’t like it?”
Carol glanced at Jenna sideways. “You forget that I am your mother. I may be sick, but I’m not senile. I still know you. And you might want to pretend like you’re someone else, this big city girl who has made a success of her life and forgotten her roots completely. But you’re still my Jenna. And I know that this is hard on you.”
Jenna shook her head, feeling flustered. Her mother was far too wise, especially considering how Jenna thought just the other day that she might be bordering on senility.
“It’s just a lot to take in,” Jenna finally said, hoping that it would deflect what her mother was saying.
“It doesn’t have to be so difficult,” Carol said. “You’re making it a lot harder than it needs to be.”
Jenna became irritated. “I am trying my best here, okay?” she snapped, even though she knew that Carol wasn’t the person she was angry with. No, she was angry with herself. But it was much easier being angry with someone else than it was to admit that she might have made a mistake.
Whatever the case, Jenna wasn’t going to admit for one moment that she liked being back, that she wished she had done things differently. She was going to continue with her plans and she was going to like it, no matter what it took. Because she had made her bed and she was damn well going to sleep in it.
10
Nate
Nate’s restaurant was one of the most popular places in town—with a town as small as Smithville, there really wasn’t a lot of options when it came to dining out. Nate was proud of being at the top of the food chain, so to speak.
The downside was that whenever he wanted to go out on a date, there weren’t a lot of options if he didn’t want to treat a woman in his own restaurant. And since Nate wanted to feel like he was off duty, he had to settle for less.
