Chasing Mercury

by Kimberly Cooper Griffin

  “What’s the matter,” asked Nora.

  4B almost told her and then chickened out again.

  “How am I going to get through this night? I still can’t believe I said I’d go. I won’t know anyone. I won’t know what to talk about.” It was all true.

  “No one will care, looking as phenomenal as you do,” said Nora, always supportive.

  “You’re biased.”

  “And you’re brave. Your courage is one of the things I like so much about you. You’ll do fine, I’m sure.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Your parents are comfortable with you going, right?”

  “They are. My mom is tickled that I’m, and I quote, ‘getting on the horse again.’”

  “See? They wouldn’t let you go if they thought it would be too difficult, or worse—traumatic—right?”

  “You’re right. You’re always right.”

  “It’s my superpower,” joked Nora.

  “Among other things,” said 4B loosening up a little. Nora always made her feel better.

  Nora chuckled and then cleared her throat.

  “I guess you need to go meet Kev.”

  4B still felt like a liar. The information sat on the tip of her tongue, itching to be said. But even though she was certain it was only a matter of time before she’d break it off with him, she wasn’t sure how to tell Nora without causing her concern. In her own heart, and after evaluating how she felt about her parents—and even about sweet Miriam—all of whom she still couldn’t remember, but still felt innate warm feelings for—she knew Nora was far more important to her than Kev was. Something inside of her knew she’d feel the same even after her memory came back. She just didn’t know how to express it in a way that would ease any concerns Nora might have. That’s why she hesitated, she told herself.

  There was also the small detail that she and Nora had never talked about what they were to one another. Truthfully, she was grateful that Nora had been so careful not to put any pressure on her or complicate things with expectations. It was clear, at least in her own head and heart about whom she wanted to be with.

  Faced with the unusual position she was in, she decided right then to finish things off with Kev before she told Nora about their past. Because, whoever Kev may have been to her before was definitely in the past. Her feelings about Nora made everything pale in comparison.

  “Yes, I suppose,” she sighed. “I can hear him talking to my dad, who also told me I could pretty much just nod my head and smile all night. I just need to make an appearance.”

  “Do you have to stay long?”

  “I definitely don’t plan on it,” said 4B. She heard her father calling for her from the foot of the stairs. “I’d better get going. My dad is summoning me for the carriage.”

  “Have fun tonight, Cinderella.”

  4B looked at the delicate blue velvet pumps dangling from her toes and, although she felt pretty in the glamorous dress she wore, she wished she were in Juneau wearing her favorite hiking boots and jeans, talking to Nora in person. Or better yet, not wearing her favorite hiking boots and jeans and doing something much more fun than talking. She sighed again.

  “I’ll try. I’ll call you later and let you know how it goes.”

  “I look forward to it.”

  4B heard the smile in Nora’s voice as they hung up and it calmed her nerves. Still, she sat on the edge of her bed, gathering her courage. Why had she agreed to attend this function? Her father came into the room, no doubt to see how much longer she would be. She stood up and nervously modeled her dress for him.

  “You look stunning, pumpkin,” said Dean Tollworthy, walking closer to kiss her cheek. 4B glowed with warmth at her father’s compliment. Despite having no memory of him, being around him was a comfort she couldn’t explain. His affection for her was evident in the way he looked at her, and she felt the same. If she had to define the word faith to someone, she would describe what she felt when she thought about either of her parents.

  “Thanks, Daddy. With Mom away, I was worried about getting ready, but it all came to me as I went.”

  “I don’t know how you women do it. When your mother drags me to these things, it’s all I can do to shave properly and slip into my monkey suit. She has to remind me to get a haircut the day before and she picks out my cufflinks. You have so much more to deal with. Don’t you tell her, but I’m relieved when your mother goes out of town and I don’t have to go to these things.”

  “I’m sure I have some politically correct response to that, Daddy, but all I can think to say right now is you’re right. It isn’t fair,” she laughed and kissed his cheek.

  4B had discovered that, with her mother out of town, she and Kev were acting as her mother’s ambassadors to the state Democratic fundraising dinner. Kev had the added duty of representing his family’s law firm of Kirkham and Kirkham, who were one of the sponsors of the event. When 4B had called her mother to ask about it after she arrived home from dinner with Kev the night before, 4B’s mother was thrilled she had decided to attend. Her mother, thinking it would be too much to ask of her, had tried to re-arrange her own schedule to make it back for the dinner, but she wasn’t successful. She said they would have been able to make due one way or another, since so many political leaders were scheduled to attend, but it was a tradition for the Tollworthy family to host the event and it pleased her mother that the tradition would stand again this year. They discussed her responsibilities, and her mother echoed Kev’s description that she would mostly need to shake hands and chat with the guests, but mostly it was just smiling and listening, since the guests would do most of the talking. Her mother eased her worry by telling her everyone there knew about the accident and if it came up she should discuss what she wanted to about it, or gently change the subject. The short speech 4B would have made was given to Kev, who she would accompany on the stage. Her mother admitted her plan had always been for 4B to follow in the footsteps of a long line of politicians from her mother’s side of the family. The revelation was a shock to 4B. She didn’t feel like a politician. If anything, the doctor thing seemed the correct path for her. It was how her brain worked. It may have been the schooling, but fundamentally, she didn’t feel an affinity toward politics at all. She wondered if any of that would change when her memory came back.

  Even though she felt a surprising lack of nervousness about attending the political dinner, her mother’s disclosure about wanting her to go into politics, along with dinner with the fiancé she had felt no recognition for, left her feeling more disconnected than ever before. The only part of the day when she had felt grounded was when she’d discovered the stables during a long walk around the property. Behind the large building had been a pasture, and when she’d leaned against the fence to watch the horses, a beautiful gray mare had come to her. The horse had seemed happy to see her, even nuzzling her pocket for what she imagined was an expected treat. A feeling of peace and carefree happiness had filled 4B as she stroked the soft nose and ran her hands through the horse’s mane.

  After that, she’d wandered around the stables for a little while and had followed a well-worn path leading into the wooded areas beyond the buildings. It had felt good to be outside and as she’d walked, she realized the paths seemed familiar to her, and while she couldn’t have described the landmarks prior to seeing them, she felt confident she could get back to the house without any trouble. At one point, she’d found a small clearing with a thick, low branch from one of the trees extending through a waterfall of sunlight. She sat on it for a few minutes. It had seemed familiar as if it had been a cherished spot for her in the past she did not remember.

  4B tried to remember the feeling of peace she’d had during her walk as she followed her father down the stairs.

  “Have a nice evening, pumpkin,” he said with a kiss on the cheek as he left her at the door to his study.

  “Thanks, Daddy,” she said watching him walk down to the family room where she knew he�
�d turn on the baseball game. She’d only been home a few days and already she knew her father’s routine.

  The heavy wooden door was slightly ajar and soft yellow light spilled from the room. When she pushed it open, Kev stood with his back to her, studying the titles of books and medical journals behind her father’s desk. When she entered the room, he turned and walked toward her, his eyes never leaving her face. The look of adoration in his eyes made her uneasy. She stood where she was next to the door as he approached, and sensed his internal debate on the correct greeting with her. After dinner the night before, he had merely given her a chaste kiss goodnight. She hadn’t invited him in and he’d gotten back into his car and driven away. She was grateful now when he stopped a step away and settled on taking her hands in his.

  “You look breathtaking, Elizabeth,” he said with a warm smile, his eyes studying her face.

  “Thank you,” she responded with a polite smile.

  His eyes scanned hers for a moment.

  “Last night didn’t bring anything back,” he said. It wasn’t a question.

  She hesitated and then shook her head. She knew it would disappoint him, but it wasn’t going to do either of them any good to minimize the gulf that still stood between her and her memory.

  “I must admit I had this fantasy of being your golden key—that all of your memories would come back as soon as you saw me,” he said with a look of disappointment. “Well, at least I don’t have to apologize for what a terrible fiancé I’ve been lately. I can’t blame it on the geographical distance. I’ve been so busy working on the case in Dallas I lost track of things. I promise to be more engaged in our relationship, Elizabeth. Maybe then you’ll want to wear my ring again.”

  She saw him glance at her left hand when he said it. He wore a smile, but she could see the sadness in his eyes.

  “I could tell I used to wear a ring on that finger. I think I may have lost it.”

  “Then I need to get you a new one—one twice as big,” he smiled. “It will be my first act in becoming the perfect fiancé and the husband I intend to be for you.”

  Though she knew the efforts he described would be fruitless, she didn’t think it was the right time to tell him. But what he said about the distance answered some of her questions about the lack of connection she sensed in their relationship. For many reasons, the knowledge gave her a small amount of relief. At the same time—and it surprised her to think along these lines—she wondered if she had a duty to invest in trying to rediscover the relationship they must have had at one time. Did she have an obligation? There must have been love and attraction at one time. Despite the certainty she had that Nora was the one for her, the question still plagued her. Would the connection she once had with Kev return with her memory? She suddenly felt guilty for the thought. She’d never once felt the responsibility to tell Kev about Nora. It had always been Nora who she felt honor-bound to. It told her everything she needed to know.

  God, she was tired of analyzing everything.

  “Why don’t we save apologies and promises and see how it all plays out when I get my memory back?”

  “I’m sorry for plunging into it so quickly. I didn’t mean to overwhelm you. Your mom even warned me not to. But after dinner last night, after seeing you again…” Kev looked bereft and hopeful all in the same sad smile. It was obvious he had been holding back the night before. “I like your idea. And maybe while we see how it goes, I can shower you with enough devotion, you’ll see the husband I can and will be for you.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” she agreed. It wasn’t really a plan at all, and she wasn’t sure if it was fair of her to string him along like this. Wasn’t that what she was doing? Since her heart now belonged completely to Nora? But it seemed to level the ground they stood on for now, at least until her memory came back. And when it happened, she could figure out how to handle everything.

  They arrived at the party and 4B was surprised by the ease with which she managed the evening. Kev and her mother had been right when they told her the small talk and mingling wouldn’t take too much effort other than to listen, smile and respond with polite nods and unimportant discussion about the weather. Some people asked about the airplane crash, but she responded with honesty, telling them she didn’t remember much about it. Kev stayed by her side for most of the night, and she was grateful when the discussion turned to more in-depth political talk, and he expertly diverted the conversation to other topics, essentially telling the guest the topic was best left to the real politicians, many of whom wandered through the room.

  After they agreed they had put in enough time at the event, 4B excused herself to go to the ladies’ room. Kev went to gather their coats and would meet her near the front entrance. On her way to the bathroom, a woman who she had talked to earlier in the evening stopped 4B and they chatted for a few minutes. It was a casual discussion unrelated to politics and 4B’s confidence was high as she said goodnight to the woman and attended to her bathroom needs. Knowing she had taken longer than she had intended, 4B decided to take what she thought would be a shortcut to the front of the capital building. How she knew the building layout didn’t even cross her mind. She had started to take for granted the innate knowledge that often came to her when she least expected it.

  She was one hallway away from her destination when she turned down a side hallway and saw Kev at the other end talking to a woman. She quickly stepped back, out of their view. Something about their stances let her know it wasn’t something she wanted to interrupt. They were several yards away, standing a few feet into a hall that split off from the main entrance. They didn’t see her, and Kev glanced in the opposite direction occasionally, obviously looking out for unexpected company. He must have thought no one would be wandering the internal hallways, because he didn’t seem concerned that someone would approach them from her direction.

  She couldn’t hear their whispered conversation, but she could tell it wasn’t just a casual chat. The woman was up against the wall, and Kev leaned against it with one hand, the other in his pocket. He was dangerously close and they were smiling the smiles of flirtation and sexual insinuation. They weren’t touching, but their body language suggested intimacy. 4B didn’t wait for them to move. She retraced her steps and went back the original way she had come. When she arrived at the spot they had designated to meet, Kev was standing by himself with their coats draped over his arm. The woman he’d been talking to was standing with a group several feet away, engaged in conversation. She realized the situation didn’t concern her. In fact, it assuaged some of her guilt.

  When she approached him he looked every bit the attentive fiancé, waiting patiently for her arrival. His smile seemed genuine when he helped her into her coat and then into the waiting car. 4B wondered why she wasn’t angry. If anything, she was curious. She chatted easily with him about the party as they drove back to her house, but he never mentioned the woman he had been talking to. He stopped the Porsche under the carport in front of the house where he had parked it the night before. It had started to rain.

  He jumped out to rush to the other side of the car and open 4B’s door. She was halfway out when he got there. “I see you haven’t forgotten that habit,” he said with an easy smile as he helped her the rest of the way out. “Is it too early to tease?”

  “You’re fine,” she said with a little laugh. “Thank you for an enjoyable evening, Kev. I had fun.”

  He raised his eyebrows in question. “Fun?” he asked, clearly not believing her. “I’ll hand it to you, though. You did seem to approach it with as much ease as you usually do. As I’ve said before, the women in your family must have the ability to handle any situation with grace embedded in their DNA.”

  “I’ll take your word for it, but I’m telling the truth. It wasn’t as bad as I expected it to be, and I did have a few interesting conversations. It was nice to talk about something other than my amnesia.”

  “I guess it’s all about perspective,” said Kev, leani
ng forward to give her a kiss goodnight. “Well, I had a good time, too, Elizabeth. I always forget how much I enjoy being with you when so much time goes between.”

  4B had dreaded this part of the evening, wondering what the protocol was for saying goodnight after a second meeting with a fiancé who you had no memory of—even if she had just seen him talking so cozily to another woman. She was relieved when he simply kissed her check.

  She squeezed his hand and started to turn toward the house.

  “Good night, Kev.”

  She was surprised when he didn’t let go of her hand, and she turned back. He wore an expression of deliberation on his face, and she was about to ask him what was wrong when he leaned forward and kissed her on the mouth. The kiss wasn’t long or terribly passionate, but there was a question in his eyes when he leaned away. She stood quietly, not knowing how to respond.

  “I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I know you need some time to get your bearings. But I’ve missed you. I guess I needed to see if you remembered me that way. Do you?” he asked, searching her eyes in the dark shadows of the silent carport.

  The only sound was the change in the idling car’s quiet motor as it shifted when the heater kicked on.

  It took 4B a moment to respond.

  “I’m sorry, Kev…”

  She was surprised when he took her into his arms and kissed her again. This time it was deeper and he pressed her against the low car. Instantly, she wanted to push him away, but she didn’t get the impression he was trying to force her to do anything. His lips were warm and gentle against hers, but the stubble of his beard made it hard for her to find enjoyment in it even if she wanted to. He cradled her head in his hand and she tried to kiss him back. She allowed his tongue to find hers, and he pressed his body against hers. She could feel his desire grow firm against her hip. She was aware of every movement, every sound, every sensation—and none of them were sweeping her away. She squeezed her eyes shut and continued to kiss him back, willing herself to feel something, anything, except the deep feeling of emptiness that echoed within her. Finally, he pulled his head away, his breathing heavy. He closed his eyes and gently pressed his forehead against hers.