BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  Ethan looked at the time, and his face pinched. “Group was canceled? Where have you been?”

  “I took a walk to the park.” I wasn’t sure why I lied. It hadn’t even been a conscious decision, but for some reason, I didn’t want to tell Ethan about Gavin.

  “Okay,” Ethan said, his expression relaying that he didn’t really believe me. “Well, are you hungry? I can order something.”

  “No, I’m okay. I grabbed a hot dog. I’m actually really tired. I’m going to take a shower and get some rest. I have a long day tomorrow.”

  “All right. Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be here eating a sleeve of Oreos.”

  I thanked him and stepped into the bathroom. Turning on the shower, I let steam fill the room and fog the mirror as I stripped out of my clothes. I’d lied to Ethan, but I couldn’t figure out why. If anything, he would be thrilled I had gone out of my comfort zone and had dinner with someone. Or would he be hurt that after weeks of telling him and Krista no, I went to dinner with a virtual stranger? I groaned and stepped into the shower, letting the warm water wash the tension from my muscles. I’d think about it later, when the image of Gavin’s sweet smile and full lips weren’t invading my every thought.

  “Krista, you here?” I asked, hanging my purse on the hook by the door and kicking off my shoes. The apartment smelled delicious. Baked cheese, meat, and buttered garlic bread invaded my senses. “Actually, I don’t care. Ethan, is that your homemade pizza?”

  Ethan stepped out of the kitchen and grinned. I couldn’t help but laugh at his appearance. His dark hair, face, and shirt were dusted with flour, and what looked like pizza sauce was splattered across his neck. He looked like he’d gotten his ass kicked by a ghost.

  “I’d ask who won, but I’m going to give this one to the pizza.”

  Ethan shook his spatula at me. “I put up one hell of a fight, but it was just too much for one man to handle.”

  I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter. “Can I help?”

  “Are you in the mood for salad?”

  I shrugged. “That’s cool.”

  “Throw the stuff on the counter together, and you can pour yourself a glass of wine and grab me a beer, if you don’t mind.”

  I grabbed a beer from the fridge and, after a moment’s hesitation, poured myself a glass of wine. One glass wouldn’t hurt, and I was at home. I was safe here. Grabbing a bowl, I started mixing the salad before I remembered my first question. “Where’s Krista?”

  “Hot date,” Ethan answered with a grin.

  “No way.” Krista hadn’t been on a date in six months. Not since she was burned by a guy she was really into. “He must have brought his A game.”

  “He’s a nice guy. We go to the same gym. His name is Brett. I actually introduced them.”

  “When did all this happen? I feel so out of the loop, slaving away for The Man, while you two still live the good life.”

  Ethan laughed and sliced up the pizza fresh out of the oven. “Krista left one of her books here at the apartment last week. I told her to come to the gym, and I’d have it with me. When she showed up, I was chatting with Brett.” Ethan shrugged. “They hit it off. They’re on their first date.”

  “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.” I didn’t want to sound as hurt as I felt, but this was a pretty big deal, and I didn’t know anything about it.

  “Honestly, I think he just asked her out last night, and you were already in bed when she got home. I’m sure she’ll tell you all about it when she gets home tonight.”

  Dividing up the salad and grabbing our plates of pizza, Ethan and I made our way into the living room. While I found something on the television, Ethan ran back into the kitchen to get our drinks.

  “How was your day?” Ethan asked, taking a bite of the pizza, his salad sitting on the table untouched, much like mine.

  “It was okay. Work has been a little better since I’ve managed to show up on time and actually get my work done.”

  “Funny how that works, huh?”

  “Shut up,” I laughed, kicking his leg with my foot. “What about you? Have you got any hot dates coming up that I should know about?”

  Ethan made his brows dance on his forehead. “Oh, you know I’ve got hotties lined up every day of the week. I’m at the top of my game.”

  “You’re such a dork.”

  “You love me anyway.”

  “Yeah, yeah.” After that, we settled into our comfortable banter. One glass turned to two then three, and my head was swimming.

  “I wish we had some of that cake,” Ethan groaned, patting his too-full stomach. “Do you think they deliver?”

  I snorted. “Not a chance.” I felt a sudden, overwhelming need to be honest with Ethan about the night before. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was hearing that Krista was on a date with a guy I knew nothing about, or maybe it was Ethan’s unwavering friendship. Whatever the reason, I felt dishonest for lying to him.

  “I lied to you last night,” I blurted out, causing Ethan’s brows to lift to his hairline.

  “About?”

  “The meeting really was canceled, but I didn’t go for a walk in the park. I was at Lucky’s.”

  Ethan chuckled. “Lonna, it’s okay if you didn’t want to share your cake. You didn’t have to lie.”

  “That’s not it.” I pulled in a deep breath. “I wasn’t alone. I was there with someone. A guy.”

  “Oh? Anyone I know?” There was a slight edge to Ethan’s voice that most would have missed, but I didn’t. I knew how protective he was, especially the last few months.

  “No. And it wasn’t like a date or anything. Honestly, I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. He’s, well, he’s in the support group.”

  “There are guys there? For sexual assault? Give me a break.” Ethan’s face was colored with disbelief. I immediately felt defensive.

  “He’s a nice guy. Something happened to him. I don’t know what, but there’s something in his eyes.”

  Ethan set his beer on the table and shook his head. “Lonna, you can’t really be that naïve. This guy is obviously some sick bastard who is looking to take advantage of a vulnerable woman. If anything, you should report his ass.”

  My jaw dropped. “Report him for what? He hasn’t done anything. Also, if it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t even have these meetings. It’s his uncle’s building, and Gavin arranged for him to allow different groups to use it. You’re way out of line here, Ethan.”

  “Gavin? That’s his name? He sounds like a douchebag.”

  “You’re acting like a five-year-old right now. What’s your problem?”

  “My problem is you’re being just as reckless as you were the night you were raped. For God’s sake, Lonna, haven’t you learned anything?”

  I jumped from the couch, my eyes filled with tears, my fists clenched. “You’re an asshole.” Before Ethan could say anything else, I stormed down the hall and slammed my bedroom door, locking it behind me. Ethan had never talked to me that way, and it hurt more than I ever could have imagined. There was also the voice in the back of my head that made me wonder if he was right. Was I being stupid? Was I setting myself up to be hurt again?

  I shoved my face against the pillow and cried. Frustration, uncertainty, and hurt leaked from my body. I ignored Ethan’s pleas to open the door. Good intentions or not, he’d hurt me, and I wasn’t ready to deal with him. When he realized I wasn’t going to open the door, he started talking.

  “I shouldn’t have said that,” he said, his muffled voice floating through the door. “You’ve made so much progress lately. Every day, I see a little more of the girl you used to be. I miss her, Lonna. I want her back. I want you to smile and see the good in things, not be scared to go hang out with your friends. You don’t know anything about this guy. I don’t think you should go back. I wish you would find another place, but I know you’re going to do what you want to do. So please just be smart. I love you, Lonna. I really am sorry.
”

  I groaned and rolled over, hating that I was fighting with Ethan. Maybe I should just go to another support group. There were dozens located throughout the city. Wasn’t the fact that I was going at all the most important part? I tried to imagine going somewhere else, and the thought was terrifying. It had nothing to do with Gavin. I would miss seeing Pearl and Bill. I would miss listening to Melissa’s words of encouragement and seeing the familiar faces of those with whom I shared a common pain. No, I wouldn’t go anywhere else.

  The next morning, I woke with a splitting headache. Three glasses of wine were two too many when I had to function as an adult the next morning. Taking a quick shower and throwing on my clothes, I stopped in the kitchen and popped a couple aspirin before taking off for work. I couldn’t focus all morning, my head a fog from my hangover and my fight with Ethan. Grabbing my phone, I scrolled through my music, pausing when I got to an oldies station. A moment later, the sweet sounds of Ben E. King floated into my ears, and a little of the haze cleared. A sudden moment of inspiration struck, and I opened a new page on my computer, searching for stock images as a slogan formed in my mind. I jumped when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

  “Not that I don’t love to see you working so hard, but just because you stay late tonight doesn’t mean you can drag in here late tomorrow.” I smiled at Katherine’s teasing tone, then did a double take when I peeked at the time.

  “Holy crap! It’s already after six?”

  Katherine’s face filled with amusement. “It is indeed. Did you even have lunch today?”

  “I don’t even think I peed today,” I said before covering my mouth.

  Katherine barked out a laugh. “Well, that’s something you should definitely take care of. Now, get out of here so you don’t make the rest of us look bad. I’ll see you in the morning. I can’t wait to see what’s captured your attention so entirely.”

  Once Katherine left, I set about gathering my things. The thought of going home and dealing with Ethan caused a knot of anxiety to form in my stomach, but other than going to the support group, I had cut virtually every other person from my life. It would feel disingenuous to contact them now because I was being a coward. I pulled out my phone and noticed a text from Krista.

  Not sure what happened with u and E, but he’s freaking out. I have plans tonight, but can canx if u need me.

  I definitely wanted Krista to cancel her plans, but I would never dare ask. Sucking in a deep breath, I typed out a message and dropped my phone back into my purse.

  Go have fun. We’ll be fine. And I want to hear about all this new guy. Love u.

  I’d go home and talk with Ethan. We couldn’t stay mad at each other forever. We did live in the same apartment after all. God, being an adult really did fucking suck some days.

  I took my time getting home, trying my best to think of a way to work things out with Ethan, but his words had hit their mark, and I was having a hard time shaking the feelings they caused. People moved around me, the large garage-type windows and outdoor seating of the bars up and down the street full of friends and coworkers enjoying happy hour. It was something I used to love, but the packed sidewalks and noise bothered me now. It wasn’t until a couple blocks later that I realized the crowds had thinned, and I found myself near a familiar place.

  I smiled to myself and continued to Lucky’s. I stood outside the window for a moment, noting the diner was busier than normal. I frowned when I realized someone was sitting in my booth. No one was ever in my booth. Annoyed, but not enough to skip dinner, I pulled open the door and walked to the counter, having a seat in front of the register.

  “Lonna, honey, what are you doing here today?” Pearl asked, walking over and giving me a hug.

  “I’m not really sure,” I chuckled. “I was walking home from work and somehow found myself here. I blame the food. I think you must have implanted some kind of magnetic field that pulls me here against my will.”

  “Oh,” Pearl said, her eyes twinkling. “I don’t think it has anything to do with my magnetic pull.” She inclined her head toward the booth in the back, and I followed her gaze, her lips twitching when I let out a soft gasp. “Go on back there. I’ll come take care of you in a minute.”

  “No. I can’t do that. He’s having dinner. I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

  “Nonsense. If he were interested in eating alone, he wouldn’t have looked so hopeful when he asked if you ever came here other than Wednesday and Sunday. Now, shoo.”

  I wavered. Ethan’s harsh words still echoed in my head. Was it weird that Gavin was there asking about me? It was. No. I was being ridiculous. “I think I’ll take a rain check,” I said, backing toward the front door. Pearl watched me with a look of concern etched in her face. Just as I turned for the door, my eyes locked with Gavin’s. I held his gaze for only a moment, before bolting out the door and down the street. My heart hammered in my chest, and I looked behind me several times, afraid of my own shadow. Would he follow me? He probably thought I was batshit crazy. After the way I just tore out of there, I couldn’t say I blamed him. What was wrong with me?

  By the time I got home, I was red-faced and panting, with sweat soaking the roots of my hair. I leaned against the front door and closed my eyes. I felt foolish for my dramatic dash from the diner. How was I supposed to face Gavin after acting the way I did? Every time I felt like I was getting control of one part of my life, another got all fucked up. I was so sick of walking on the eggshells of my own insecurities. At some point, I was going to have to take control of my life, and since there wasn’t anything I could do about Gavin, I would start with Ethan. It was time for us to talk.

  The apartment was quiet except the soft hum of the air conditioning and the muted sounds of the world outside. The living room lights were off, and for a moment, I wondered if I was alone until I noticed light coming from our small dining room. I moved down the hall, and as soon as I stepped into the open archway, I stopped. Ethan sat at the table, a plate of untouched food in front of him. His elbows were propped on the table, and his head was cradled in his hands.

  “Ethan,” I whispered, afraid to speak any louder.

  His head snapped up, his eyes rimmed with dark circles and his skin waxy compared to his natural tanned glow. “Lonna,” he exhaled, jumping from his chair. He marched toward me and enveloped me in a hug, burying his face against my hair. “I’m so sorry. I’m such a fucking asshole. Please don’t hate me.”

  His arms were strong and sure, but they also had a vulnerability to them that caused the anger to fade from my body. “I could never hate you,” I said, my voice shaking. “But we need to talk about what happened.” I felt Ethan nod against me, and after a moment, he stepped back and pulled me over to one of the dining chairs.

  “I was worried you were avoiding me.”

  I let out a small laugh and picked at a loose piece of skin by my fingernail. “I was. You hurt me last night.”

  “I never should—”

  I held up a finger to cut him off. “But what you said wasn’t entirely wrong. I don’t always have the best judgment. But I didn’t go with a stranger to a club and get shitfaced. I went to a diner where I am well-known and had dinner with a guy whose first and last name I know, as well as a way to track him down through his family if the need ever arose.” I couldn’t help the small shudder than ran down my spine when I considered what kind of need would arise where tracking down Gavin—or anyone, for that matter—would be necessary.

  “I realize that now. I do. But Lonna, a part of you has to find it a little weird that he’s at a sexual assault support group. If he was there in a supportive kind of way, with a girlfriend or a family member, sure, I’d get it. But from the way you talk, that’s not it at all. Something about it just doesn’t sit right.”

  I nodded because I did understand. I’d felt exactly the same way when I’d first encountered Gavin. I’d had weeks to see him interact with the others and get used to his presence. Ethan, on the other hand, had
been blindsided by my non-date with a stranger. “We both said things we shouldn’t have. That being said, I need you to respect my decisions. I know you worry about me, and I know you only want the best for me, but I have to figure things out for myself. I can’t go the rest of my life in a bubble that only you and Krista are allowed to enter.”

  “This is hard for me,” Ethan sighed. “I don’t trust this guy.”

  “Then trust me. We’ve only had dinner once, and it was just because we were in the same place at the same time. I’m not even sure it will happen again.” Not after the way I’d acted tonight. The memory of how I’d run out of there made me want to cringe. Again.

  “Maybe I should come to the next meeting with you.”

  “No. That would be something for you, and this group is about what I need. I know you’re worried, but I have to do this on my own. You have been there for me so much already. It’s time for me to take care of myself now. These meetings are helping. It may not seem like it, but they are. Even if it’s only for an hour or two, it’s better than it was before I started going, and that’s what matters.”

  Ethan exhaled in defeat. “All right. Are we okay?”

  I stood and gave him a quick hug. “We’re all right.”

  The rest of the night, we sat on the couch watching television and taking bets on what time Krista would come rolling through the door. Much to both our surprise, she showed up just after ten with a big smile on her face.

  “Oh my God, I’m so happy you two made up. I have so much to tell you, and it would be super awkward if I’m all, oh-em-gee, he is the best kisser ever, and you’re over there all Debbie Downer because you and Ethan are still having a mini breakup.”

  “Welp,” Ethan laughed, standing from the couch. “That’s my cue to bounce. Y’all have fun.” Leaning down, he gave me a kiss on top of my head and told me goodnight before doing the same with Krista. We laughed and waited until his door closed before facing each other on the couch, both wearing matching smiles.