BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  “Just in time for football season,” I said, taking a sip of water.

  “Go Jackets,” Gavin said, doing a little fist pump and pulling me from my thoughts.

  “Siblings?” I asked, changing the subject. I knew I was doing a lot of taking and not any giving, but as long as Gavin was willing to talk about himself, I was willing to listen.

  “One. Younger sister. Her name’s Wren. She’s a sophomore at UGA. She’s insufferable.” Gavin pulled out his phone and, after a moment, turned the screen to face me. I let out a choked laugh when I saw the picture. Gavin stood in his Georgia Tech hat and shirt, surrounded by a sea of fans wearing red and black. A petite girl with hair and eyes the same shade as Gavin’s perched on his back, her finger stuck down her throat like she was gagging from his chosen attire.

  “Are you two close?”

  “Close enough. The interests differ quite a bit for a nineteen-year-old girl and her twenty-five-year-old brother. But we manage not to kill each other.”

  “And your parents?”

  The corner of Gavin’s mouth lifted into a smile. “I know what you’re doing. Don’t think you’re going to drill me with questions without answering any of your own.”

  I rolled my eyes and pulled out the large slice of cake from the cooler. It was a total distraction tactic, but I wasn’t above cake warfare. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Extending my hand, I offered him a plastic utensil. “Fork?”

  Gavin narrowed his eyes but took the fork. It was a good thing he did. Otherwise, I might have eaten it all by myself. After a couple bites, Gavin spoke. “My parents live right outside Savannah. That’s where we grew up. I love it there. It’s really beautiful.”

  “I’ve never been, but I heard the food is fantastic.”

  “It is.” A peaceful hush fell over us, and for a moment, we just stared at each other, soft smiles on our faces. “I had a really nice time having dinner with you. I still don’t know a single thing about you, but I hope you feel a little more at ease around me.”

  “I do.”

  “Would you want to hang out again? Maybe not after group? No pressure, obviously, and it would just be as friends, but I like hanging out with you. The truth is, since I came back to Atlanta, I haven’t really gone out very much.” He didn’t elaborate, and as much as I wanted him to, I wasn’t going to press. A small voice in the back of my head told me I should leave well enough alone. I wasn’t in any place to go on a date. He didn’t ask you on a date. He said friends, I reminded myself. There was also the strangeness of how we met. Was this even allowed? I didn’t know the rules, but I knew if someone told me they were going to hang out with someone they met at a sexual assault survivors support group, I would think they were a little crazy. Or was that only because he was a man? If it were Bat or Melissa or any of the other women there, would I even think twice about it? Yes. No.

  “Never mind,” Gavin said, taking my silence as rejection. “It’s okay.”

  I reached out my hand. “Give me your phone.”

  Gavin looked up in surprise. “What?”

  “Your phone. Give it to me.” After a moment, Gavin unlocked the screen and passed it over, his expression still wary. I opened up his contacts and typed in my name and number, releasing a breath and then pressing save. I moved to hand it back to him before opening up a text message and sending myself a text with his name in the message. “There. Now, I have your number too.”

  “What if I didn’t want you to have my number? I need to even the playing field somehow.” My mouth fell open before Gavin starting laughing. “I’m kidding! I’m kidding,” he said, dodging my hand when I swatted at him.

  “That was mean.” Just as I opened my mouth to speak, a large drop of water hit the tip of my nose. I blinked and looked up, my eyes widening at the darkened sky and rumbling clouds. Another fat raindrop landed on my head as the ground shook with a loud clap of thunder. “We better go!”

  I jumped to my feet, and Gavin followed suit, hurriedly putting our containers and trash inside the cooler. Just as Gavin picked up the blanket, the sky opened up and rain began to fall in sheets. “Get under here,” Gavin yelled, throwing the blanket over our heads and wrapping it around our shoulders. Pressed together, we ran through the pouring rain. A bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, its fiery glow causing me to scream and stumble. Gavin tightened his grip on my shoulder, and the two of us clumsily jumped over the small divots in the ground already filling with water.

  We found ourselves stuck at the street crossing, any hope of remaining dry long gone. The rain battered down, and we turned to face each other to shield the stinging rain from pelting our skin. Water dripped from Gavin’s hair and jaw, and his shirt clung to his skin.

  “You’ve got…” Gavin reached up and wiped at the mascara running down my cheeks.

  “Thanks,” I laughed, swiping my hand across my face to remove the droplets of water from my lashes. It was then that I realized how close we were standing, how I could feel his chest pressed against mine. His full lips were so close, and they looked so soft. His eyes drifted to my lips, and I felt my heart rate accelerate. He inched closer, and just as his lips were about to touch mine, a wave of panic swelled in my chest. I couldn’t breathe. What was I thinking? I couldn’t kiss him. So stupid! Gavin jerked back, his eyes wide. Before he could speak, a horn blared, causing us both to jump. I looked in the direction of the sound and saw the crosswalk sign flashing like a warning. Was I really going to kiss him? Fuck.

  “Let’s go,” Gavin said, his voice shaky. Turning, we ran into the street and under the awning of Lucky’s. Gavin dropped the blanket and took a step back, his eyes apologetic. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should never have done that.”

  My eyes bounced everywhere except to Gavin. The truth was, I didn’t want him to be sorry. In that moment, I had wanted him to kiss me. I hated how bad that made me feel. “It’s fine.”

  “Clearly,” Gavin said, his voice tinged with disbelief.

  “I’m not ready for something like that. I might seem normal, mostly, but I’m messed up. I just can’t be that.”

  “I don’t expect you to be anything, Lonna. I promise. I got caught in the moment. It won’t happen again.”

  “Okay.” I looked to the street and into the diner, where Pearl and Bill watched us with curious expressions. I extended my arm to pass Gavin the cooler. “Do you mind?”

  “No. I’ll take care of it.”

  I turned to the street, waiting for the light to change so I could hail the cab heading in my direction.

  “Is it still okay for me to call? I’d understand if you say no.”

  I held out my arm, and the cab pulled to the curb. Turning, I gave Gavin a small but genuine smile. “Yeah. I’d be okay with that.” His answering smile made my stomach flutter. God, what am I getting myself into?

  On the cab ride home, I played the events of the afternoon over and over again in my head. Gavin was nothing like I’d expected. Every new thing I learned, however, only made my unanswered questions burn brighter. Nothing he told me about his life fit with how I’d come to meet him. Was Ethan right? I swore under my breath, chastising myself. Nothing about my life screamed rape victim either. Rape survivor, I corrected. I still had a hard time grasping the terminology even though it was a phrase repeated in group more than a dozen times a night. The thing was, using one word instead of another didn’t make me feel any different. I could call myself a survivor a million times, and I didn’t feel any less victimized. I felt like people got so caught up in the politically correct way of saying things that the root of the suffering was marginalized. It was something I never would have said before, but after experiencing it firsthand, well, I’d earned the fucking right.

  When I stepped into my apartment, the lights flickered briefly before brightening once more. Ethan and Krista sat on the floor, a deck of cards on the table and several candles burning around them.

  “You
guys holding a seance?” I joked, hanging my purse on the hook and pulling off my soaked sandals.

  “If we were, you’d totally fit as a spirit we conjured from the grave. Did you walk home? You’re freaking soaked!”

  I looked at my drenched maxi dress and let out a small laugh. “I got caught in the rain.”

  “If the next words out of your mouth have anything to do with piña coladas or the beach, I’m busting out the holy water,” Krista said, jumping to her feet. “Stay there. I’ll grab you a towel.” A moment later, Krista reappeared and tossed a towel at me. “So, how’d you get so wet?”

  “I was at the park when it started raining. It just came out of nowhere. Holy shit, I haven’t seen anything like that in years.” I pressed the towel to my dress, absorbing as much moisture as possible before tackling my hair.

  “Why were you at the park?” Krista asked, resuming her seat on the floor next to Ethan, who had yet to speak. I shuffled my feet, then pulled in a deep breath and lifted my chin.

  “Gavin and I grabbed food from Lucky’s and decided to eat in the park. I guess we weren’t paying attention to the sky because by the time we realized the storm was here, it was too late.” I didn’t look at Ethan as I spoke, but once I finished, I peeked at him, noticing his impassive expression. He didn’t look mad or upset; he looked indifferent. I didn’t know what to make of it.

  Krista grinned, either unaware or ignoring Ethan’s behavior. “Well, I want to hear more about this. Go change and come back. You can jump in on this game of blackjack.”

  I wanted to argue, but I wasn’t so sure that being alone with my thoughts after my almost-kiss with Gavin was the smartest thing either. Also, I wanted the ice to thaw from around Ethan, and locking myself in my room wasn’t going to help. “Okay, give me a second.”

  After changing into a pair of cotton shorts and a long-sleeved T-shirt, I pulled a pillow from the couch and sat in the space Krista had made between her and Ethan. “So, what’s with the candles?”

  “The power went out for like a half hour. Ethan raided the junk drawers and found about twenty candles.”

  I ducked my head and laughed, giving an apologetic smile to Ethan. “I was going to throw them away, I swear. They smell so good, and there were so many of them. It just felt wasteful.” Ethan’s ex-girlfriend sold candles as a side job. She was so jealous of Krista and me that we’d gone out of our way to be her friend, which translated into purchasing a million candles we didn’t need. When they broke up, Ethan demanded we throw out all that useless shit. I said I would take care of it, which turned out to be me just hiding them in every available inch of drawer space in the apartment.

  Ethan cut his eyes to me, fighting a smile when I batted my eyes in dramatic fashion. “Not so much useless shit after all, eh?” I asked, bumping his shoulder just as the lights flickered out again.

  “Don’t be cute,” Ethan said, his voice teasing. It was the first time he’d seemed like himself since I got home. I knew he worried about me, but in that worry, he tended to overstep certain boundaries. Granted since the night of the party, I hadn’t minded. Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe I was part of the problem. My phone dinged with a text, and I knitted my brows as I stood and walked to my purse. The only people who texted me were sitting in the room. My parents never texted. They thought it was too impersonal.

  Hope you made it home okay. I’m sitting in the dark. #nopower

  I smiled and my nerves spiked. I told Gavin he could text me, but having him do so was just stripping away another barrier between us. Keep it light, I told myself.

  Home safe. I know a good candle dealer if you want her #.

  “Are you going to share?” Krista asked, a confused smile on her face.

  “Just a friend sitting in the dark. I offered the number of a good candle dealer.”

  Krista laughed. “I’m sure Ethan would love having her come over to set up a party.”

  “Fuck that,” he muttered. “Y’all leave me out of that shit.”

  “Come on, Ethan,” I goaded. “After tonight, our stash is going to be depleted. Take one for the team and hook up with her so we can get a twenty percent discount on our next order.”

  “You two are both assholes,” Ethan grumbled, patting the pillow next to him. “Now, get back over here so I can whoop your ass in blackjack.”

  I powered down my phone and tossed it back in my purse. My feelings about Gavin were all over the place, and sorting them out with Ethan and Krista watching my every move was never going to happen. The power went in and out for the next couple hours, and the storm was predicted to rage well into the night. Around eleven, we decided to call it a night. After Ethan disappeared into the bathroom, Krista followed me into my room and closed the door.

  “I wasn’t going to press,” she said, her words quiet so her voice didn’t carry. “But I’m going to need to know more about this guy if you’re going to be spending so much time with him. Ethan talked to me earlier, and I think I was wrong about his feelings. He’s genuinely concerned for you, Lonna. It’s not because he’s jealous.”

  My shoulders sagged, and an invisible weight lifted from my chest. “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah. I am. I don’t think we really considered how bad he feels about what happened that night. He lives with you. He’s one of your two best friends in the world. And he wasn’t able to protect you. He carries so much weight. He blames himself.”

  My eyes stung with tears. “It wasn’t his fault.”

  “Just like, logically, I know it wasn’t my fault either, but it doesn’t stop the guilt that eats at me when I hear you screaming from nightmares in the middle of the night. All I’m saying is, we’re a team. Don’t shut us out. And if we mess up or piss you off, just know we have your best interests at heart.”

  “I just can’t seem to get anything right lately,” I said, my words choked. “I promise to be better. You guys are my world.”

  “You don’t need to be better. You’re perfect the way you are. Just don’t forget we’re on your side. I love you, Lonna.”

  I pulled Krista into a hug and squeezed her tight. “I love you too.”

  As I lay in bed waiting for sleep to take me under, I thought about how my life had ebbed and flowed between good and bad, happiness and sadness. While some things had improved, others remained constant. Then there was Gavin, who brought a whole new level of confusion to my already complicated life.

  Monday was a bad day. Not that most Mondays weren’t horrible on principle, but this one in particular had little to do with the day and more to do with the date. It was the date all those months ago that I’d woken up excited about my graduation party, only to find myself naked and violated with no memory less than twenty-four hours later. It was still a hard concept to grasp, how my life could change so quickly.

  I clutched the worn scrap of paper Krista had given me with the words “Fake it till you make it” written across the surface as I made my way into work. Things had been going so well, a setback was the last thing I needed. Once I was tucked away inside my cubicle, I pulled up my latest project on my computer screen and, for the first time that day, felt a real smile lift the corners of my mouth.

  My firm had won the bid to come up with a concept for a clothing company seeking to change its branding. Ten designers were given the opportunity to work on the project, and the winner had been promised a nice bonus and possible promotion. An old-fashioned jukebox was positioned in the center of the screen, with people dressed in clothes from various decades posed on either side. Across the top in neon lettering read Jukebox Clothing: Be Authentic. Be Unique. Be Your Own Time Machine.

  The image made my thoughts drift to Gavin. I’d been with him when inspiration had struck. I frowned when I remembered powering up my phone earlier and not seeing a message from him. I was so fucking inconsistent. I wanted him to text; I didn’t want him to text. I wanted him to kiss me; I didn’t want him to kiss me. Every feeling was in conflict with anothe
r. It was exhausting.

  I chewed my bottom lip and stared at the phone screen for another moment before placing it facedown and returning to my computer. Work seemed to be the only break from the constant emotional war waging within me. When I arrived home to an empty apartment that evening, I was grateful. I wasn’t certain if it was intentional or not, but the alone time was more than welcome.

  Gavin didn’t text me again, and by Wednesday, I was weirdly antsy. Had I been too dismissive in my text Sunday night? Was he waiting for me to text this time? Was I acting like a complete psychopath and worrying about a guy when I was still a mess? The third possibility felt the most applicable.

  I walked into group a little before five and, after saying hello to Melissa, found my usual chair. Gavin wasn’t there, but there were still a couple empty chairs, so I tried not to think too much about it. Melissa looked at her watch, and it was then that I noticed a strain in her expression. Her forehead was creased, and her lips were pressed together in a way I had never seen before. A feeling of panic began to swell inside me as my gaze darted between Melissa and the door. Had something happened to Gavin? The thought affected me more than I was prepared for.

  “Well, let’s get started, everyone.” Melissa went through her usual greeting, but I couldn’t take my eyes off Gavin’s empty chair. My gaze drifted to a couple chairs over, and that was when I noticed Bat was also missing. Again. Had something happened to her? The questions swirled around in my head, ballooning like soap bubbles stretched so thin, they would burst at any moment.

  I grabbed my purse and pulled it into my lap. I was going to have to text Gavin before I lost my mind. Just as I moved to stand, I heard footsteps echoing down the hall. When Gavin appeared in the doorway, what relief I felt was gone as quickly as it arrived. He looked terrible. And he wasn’t alone. Behind him, Bat stood with her head down and a thick white bandage wrapped neatly around her left wrist. Oh no.