BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  Pearl clapped her hands and smiled. “Perfect. I’d planned on having it as my signature cake through the holidays, but I wanted to wait until my favorite patrons tried it first. Although,” she said, clasping her hands together. “I’d hoped Gavin would be here as well. I don’t think you’ve been in without him in a very long time. Is everything okay?”

  The cake turned sour on my tongue right along with my mood. I set down the fork and looked at my nails. “I don’t know.”

  Pearl nodded and patted my hand. “Why don’t we get you a to-go box. I’m sure you’re tired after the holidays.” She stood from the table and disappeared into the back. I exhaled, grateful that she hadn’t pushed for more. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Like Krista, Pearl seemed to be able to read me like an open book.

  She returned a few minutes later and packaged up the slice of cake. When I pulled out my wallet, she shook her head. “This was more for me than you. Consider it taste-testing compensation.” I laughed and stood, choosing not to argue. There wasn’t any point.

  She pulled me into a hug. “I don’t know what’s going on, but if you need to talk, I’m always here. Get home safe.”

  “Thank you, Pearl.”

  “See you Wednesday?” she asked, taking a step back.

  “I…I’m not sure.” I shrugged, apologetic.

  She gave me a sad smile. “Well, I hope I do.”

  I stepped out into the cold night, tightening my coat around me. My skin tingled and my breath caught just a strong gust of wind caused my hair to fly across my face, blocking my view of what looked like a mop of brown hair under the dim light across the street. When I finally calmed my wild hair, the street was empty and the tingling feeling was gone. I pulled out my phone and, after a moment of debate, typed out a text.

  Where are you?

  I shoved my phone back inside my purse and headed home. Walking by myself when it was dark and cold wasn’t something I normally did, but I needed a little time to clear my head. I knew Krista would want to know what happened, and I wasn’t ready to see the look on her face when I told her he hadn’t shown up. By the time I made it home, my cheeks were bright pink and I was freezing. Krista was on the couch watching television when I stepped inside, a glass of wine in her hand and another full glass on the table. She looked at me with a raised brow, and I shook my head. Her mouth turned down as she patted the space next to her and reached for the extra glass of wine. I sat next to her and took the glass as she slipped her arm over my shoulder and pulled me against her, never saying a word. We sat in silence and drank wine, letting the sounds of the TV fill the void.

  Krista’s phone dinged at the same time a yawn escaped my chest. She smiled and set our glasses on the table before we both stood, and she enveloped me in a hug. “We’ll talk when you’re ready. I love you. You know that, right?”

  My eyes filled with tears, and I nodded. “I love you too.”

  I crawled into bed that night with a million questions swirling in my head, but one was louder than the rest. I pulled out my phone and looked at my last text, still unread. I let out a sigh and asked the one question I wanted an answer to more than anything.

  What did I do wrong?

  I barely slept that night, bouncing between vivid dreams and nightmares. Unlike before, however, I got up for work on time and focused on projects. It was a far better distraction than I anticipated, and for at least a few hours, I was able to forget about Gavin and being ghosted. When I got home that evening, I was faced with an entirely different kind of distraction. Ethan sat on the couch, his arms draped over his knees and his hands clasped over his face. When I stepped inside, he jumped to his feet and shoved his hands into his pockets, shifting his weight.

  “Hey, Lonna.”

  I hung my purse and kicked off my shoes. “Ethan? What are you doing here?”

  “Krista told me you said it would be okay for me to come back. If that’s not the case, just tell me, and I’ll leave now. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable,” he said in a rush, his words almost unintelligible. I held up my hand to stop his blathering and tried to clear my mind. I had told Krista it would be okay for him to come back; I just hadn’t realized it would be so soon. Of course, she’d probably told him before the whole Gavin thing happened, and there was no way I was bringing that up.

  “No, I did. It’s fine. I just didn’t know when. It caught me a little off guard.”

  Ethan let out a heavy breath and smiled. “Okay. I can still leave if you want.”

  I forced a smile and shook my head. “It’s fine. I promise.”

  “It’s good to see you,” he said, taking a hesitant step toward me. “I know I’ve been weird as fuck lately, but I really do feel better now. And I owe your boyfriend an apology.”

  My throat constricted and I looked away, not wanting him to see the pain his words caused. “Don’t worry about it. Water under the bridge.”

  “Lonna, what’s wrong?” Ethan stepped closer, and I took a step back. “Did something happen?”

  “I’m fine. It’s just been a long day. I think I’m going to take a nap. We can catch up later.” I didn’t wait for him to protest. Instead, I slipped past him to my room and closed the door. “Fuck,” I exhaled, letting my head fall against the door. What a fucking mess everything was. Gavin still hadn’t read my messages, and as hurt as I felt, I was also worried. Krista’s words lingered in the back of my mind. What demons could he be wrestling with?

  “What the fuck, Krista?” I yelled, pacing the living room. My hands shook, and my heart hammered in my chest. Gavin had missed another meeting, and as worried as I was, my anger was quickly moving to the front of my conga line of emotions. “He’s not answering my calls, he’s not reading my texts, and he’s missed two meetings. This is bullshit. He doesn’t get to do this to me! I don’t deserve this.” A choked sob tore from my throat as hurt cut the line ahead of anger once again.

  “You don’t,” she agreed, putting both hands on my shoulders to stop my pacing. “You need to take a breath and figure out what you’re going to do next.”

  “What can I do? He doesn’t want to talk to me, and I feel pathetic enough as it is.”

  “Who doesn’t want to talk to you,” Ethan asked, stepping through the front door. When I spun toward him, his eyes widened. “Whoa. What the hell happened?”

  I shook my head and started pacing again. I wasn’t going to have this conversation with Ethan, of all people. “Nothing. I’m fine.”

  “Right,” he drawled. “You look super.”

  “Not now,” Krista cut in, her words coming out in a hiss.

  “Listen, I know something is going on. I have tried to let you work through whatever is happening, but you can’t expect me to just ignore this,” he said, waving his hand in my direction. “Is this about Gavin?”

  Just hearing his name burned my skin, like tiny paper cuts nicking away at my flesh over and over. “I don’t want to talk about Gavin.”

  “What did he do to you?” Ethan’s voice had taken on a different tone, hard, protective. It reminded me of how he’d been after my graduation party, angry and hurt and just wanting to shield me from my pain. I dropped my shoulders in defeat.

  “He’s ghosted me.”

  “What? Why?”

  I turned toward him, tears brimming in my eyes. “Because we slept together, then I told him what happened to me at the party, and the next morning, he was gone. I haven’t seen or heard from him since.”

  Ethan’s jaw ticked, and his hands balled at his sides. “I knew he was a piece of shit. I knew it from the moment I met him. Where does he live? Tell me now.”

  “You’re not going to do anything, Ethan,” Krista snapped. “Lonna doesn’t need you to fight her battles because she’s going to confront him herself.”

  I let out a humorless laugh. “I am? How am I supposed to do that if he won’t call or text me back?”

  “Because you’re going to his house.”

  “The fuc
k she is,” Ethan cut in, earning glares from both Krista and me.

  “Ethan, you’re my cousin and I love you, but kindly back the fuck off.”

  Ethan looked at me, waiting for me to say something, but I remained silent. The last thing I wanted was Ethan getting in the middle of my bullshit with Gavin. When he realized I wasn’t going to object, he threw his hands in the air and stormed to his room, slamming the door behind him.

  “I know he means well,” Krista said, leading me to the couch and pulling me to sit down next to her. “But I’m not one hundred percent sure he’s as okay with everything as he’s pretending. The last thing you need is to fall into old habits of letting him take care of you.”

  I dropped my chin. She was right, of course. I’d leaned on Ethan so much after my assault. I’d blurred lines that had once been crystal clear. Doing so again would be foolish. “I know.”

  “I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” she said gently. “But you’re stronger now than you were before. I believe in you. I believe that you can handle this.”

  “Do you really think I should go to his house?”

  Krista shrugged. “It’s ballsy and things might not go like you want them to, but you can’t live in limbo. You have enough unanswered questions in your life. You don’t need more.”

  “You’re right. I’ll go tomorrow after work. Thank you for being so you.”

  Krista laughed. “So me? What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You know when to be soft and sweet, and you know when to kick my ass into gear.”

  “You know how I like to drop a good truth bomb,” she giggled, pulling me into a hug. “Now, while Ethan is in his bedroom pouting, let’s watch the last episode of This is Us.”

  “God, that show wrecks me. Why do we watch it again?”

  Krista smiled and turned on the television. “We’re masochists. Don’t you know?”

  I groaned and fell back against the sofa. “Clearly.”

  What was I doing? This was a terrible idea. Damn Krista and her horrible advice. I’d been standing outside Gavin’s house for over twenty minutes. I was pretty sure if I didn’t knock on his door soon, the little old lady next door who had peeked out her window a dozen times was going to call the police. She might have already. I looked down the street, mildly disappointed when I didn’t see red and blue lights racing toward me.

  “This is ridiculous,” I muttered, pulling my coat tighter and straightening my shoulders. With a final breath, I walked up the steep stairs to his house and knocked on the front door. I leaned forward, pressing my ear to the wood to see if I could hear anything. Just as I was about to knock a second time, the lock turned, and I jumped back. When the door swung open, I didn’t know who was more shocked, Gavin or me.

  “Lonna, what are you doing here?” Gavin asked, his words barely intelligible.

  “Oh my God, what is wrong with you?” He looked like shit. Not like, “Oh, you look like you don’t feel well,” but honest-to-god, chewed-up shit. His eyes were so swollen they were barely open to slits. His hair was greasy and matted to his head, and a sheen of sweat covered his skin. If I’d thought he was pale before, it was nothing compared to how he looked now. If he weren’t standing and attempting to speak to me, I would swear I was staring at a corpse.

  “I’m sick. I’ve been this way for days.”

  “Is that why…” I let the question hang in the air. Is that why you left my house before I woke up? Why you haven’t gone to any meetings or returned any of my calls or texts? As awful as he looked, I wasn’t sure I was willing to buy that.

  He shook his head and leaned against the doorframe. He seemed almost frail. “I’m just really sick,” he croaked. “I’ll see you Sunday. I promise.”

  I wanted to object, but something about his posture and what I could see of his eyes gave me pause. After a second, I nodded and turned to leave but stopped when he stepped back to close the door. A gasp slipped past my lips when I caught a glimpse of his living room before the front door closed. It was trashed. Completely wrecked. What the fuck?

  All the way home, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. He was clearly sick, there was no denying it, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye. It was like he couldn’t wait for me to leave. And his house? Gavin’s house was always spotless, but it looked like a tornado had torn through the room. What the hell had happened in there?

  “You’re right. It’s weird,” Krista said, handing me a cup of hot chocolate. She’d listened patiently while I filled her in on my conversation, or lack thereof, with Gavin, but her facial expression said everything she wasn’t.

  “I don’t know. I have this weird feeling there’s a lot more going on. Why couldn’t he text me back? I get not going to meetings or calling, but texting? Anyone can text.”

  “This is usually the time when I step in with some witty comment and tell you to chill out and everything will be fine, but I can’t this time. My spidey senses are all tingly.”

  I smiled and shook my head. “Your spidey senses? Really, Krista?”

  She shrugged. “Look, I’m comedic gold. I can’t help how awesome I am, even when I’m not trying to be.”

  “You’re impossible. Nevertheless, thank you. These next few days are going to be the longest of my life.”

  “You could hear from him before then,” she said, her voice hopeful, but her eyes matched mine. For whatever reason, I knew I wouldn’t hear from Gavin before Sunday.

  By Saturday, I was losing my mind. Just like I already knew, Gavin hadn’t reached out, and by some miracle, I hadn’t contacted him either. It was torture. Until last weekend, Gavin and I rarely had gone a day without speaking. Not to mention, this time last week, we were on our way back from his parents’ house, and in a matter of hours, we’d be stripping each other bare.

  “Fuck,” I groaned, standing from the couch and stomping into the kitchen. I needed wine.

  “Mind if I join you?” Ethan asked, leaning against the counter beside me.

  “Knock yourself out.” I filled my glass and slid the half-empty bottle in his direction. He let out a low whistle and poured the rest into his own glass.

  “So, we’re having a party tonight?”

  I rolled my eyes. “I really don’t want to talk about it.

  He nodded. “Good. Let’s just watch a movie and hang out. No talking necessary.”

  I raised my brows in disbelief. He’d asked me what was going on a million times over the last few days. I was on the verge of going to my parents’ house just to escape. He saw the expression on my face and chuckled.

  “Look, whatever is going on with you, you clearly don’t want to talk about it with me, so I’m not going to push anymore. Besides, Krista is out with Brett, and I don’t want to have to sit in my room alone because I’ve pissed you off again. So, let’s just hang, okay?”

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so standoffish. Things have been weird between us, and I don’t know what I should and shouldn’t say or do.”

  “That’s fair. I only have myself to blame for that, but tonight we don’t have to talk about any of that. We can watch a movie or order food. Whatever you want, Lonna.”

  Tears stung my eyes at the last part. Gavin said that to me all the time. Clearly, he hadn’t meant it since the one thing I wanted more than anything in the world was him, and he was nowhere to be found.

  “Did I say something wrong?” Ethan asked, his brows drawn together.

  I swiped under my eye and shook my head. “No. I’m fine. Let’s watch a movie and order a pizza.”

  Ethan stood in place for a moment before sweeping his arm out in front of him for me to go first. We decided on an old Kevin Smith movie and a large pizza. By the time the wine and food were gone and the movie was over, I felt almost normal.

  “Thanks for tonight. I needed this,” I said, tossing the empty box in the trash and putting our glasses in the dishwasher.

  “I think I needed it too. I’ve missed my fri
end.” I stepped forward and gave him a hug, feeling at home and out of place all at once.

  “Next time, I pick the movie,” I mumbled before dropping my arms and stepping back.

  His smile was blinding. “Deal.”

  I looked at the time and sighed. “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Night, Lonna.”

  Thanks to the wine, sleep came easy, fleeting as it was.

  Yelling.

  Bright light piercing the dark room. That room.

  Voices. Confusion. Anger.

  The smell of tequila and the feel of warm breath fanning over my skin.

  Nothing.

  Shit. I sat up in bed and wiped my sweat-soaked hair away from my face. I looked up at my painting, staring at the dark storm in the middle of my light. Why couldn’t I just remember? Why couldn’t I fill in the gaps? Why couldn’t I just forget all of it?

  I spent the day a nervous ball of energy. By the time I walked into the meeting room, I felt like I’d drunk two pots of coffee. I spotted Bat first, and she wasted no time coming over to me. “I tried calling you this weekend. I thought you might want to hang out and tell me what’s going on with you and Gavin.”

  “I’m sorry. I was still at work when you called, and then I just… Well, it’s been a rough week. That’s still no excuse. And as far as how things with Gavin are, they’re fine, I guess.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt him, that tingling feeling that rushed across my skin when he was near. I spun around to find him standing near the door, his hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes anywhere but on me.

  “Sure they are,” Bat said, her voice thick with sarcasm. “Things seem downright peachy.” I looked at her over my shoulder, but she just shook her head. “I’m here when you’re ready.” Without another word, she walked to her chair and sat, leaving me staring at a man I barely recognized. I took a step forward, and he stiffened. What the fuck was going on?