BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  I shook my head and laughed as he dragged me behind him, feeling a little bad that I didn’t actually plan on watching any kind of television. When we walked through the front door, I kicked off my shoes and told Gavin to do the same.

  “Do you want a beer or something?” I asked, my heart racing.

  Gavin shrugged. “Sure. Where do you want your suitcase?”

  “Just put it in my room. I’ll be right there.” I darted into the kitchen and grabbed a couple beers before following Gavin down the hallway to my bedroom. When I stepped inside, he had his back to me, studying the giant painting on the wall. A lump formed in my throat, seeing the color of his hair simulated by the swirls of paint on the canvas.

  “This is new,” he commented as I handed him a beer.

  “Do you like it?” I wasn’t sure why I asked. I didn’t really want to know the answer. Unless it was positive, of course.

  “It’s interesting. Something about it feels vaguely familiar. Where did you get it?”

  “I made it.” I held my breath as he turned to look at me, his lips parted with surprise while his eyes danced with curiosity. I shifted my weight and shrugged. “I made it when I hung out with Bat. It…well, it’s kind of a representation of my life. The darkness in the center represents the thing that I can’t see, the monster in my nightmares. But the rest, the beautiful colors, they’re the people in my life who give me hope, who bring me peace. See, right here,” I said, tracing my fingers over the colors. “This is Krista and Pearl and even Bat.” My fingers trembled as I moved to the widest swath of colors, the honey brown and baby blue. “And this…this is you,” I whispered. “Because you make me feel safe, you give me hope, you’re my light in the dark.”

  Gavin cupped my jaw with both hands, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears running down my cheeks. His hand shook and his eyes shimmered. “Lonna,” he murmured, his voice thick as he dropped his forehead to mine.

  I wrapped my hands around his wrists and squeezed my eyes shut before letting out a heavy exhale. “Stay with me tonight.” I felt him stiffen and try to pull back, but I held him in place, my eyes still screwed shut.

  “Lonna,” he said again, his voice pleading. I steeled my nerves and lifted my gaze to his, all the breath leaving my body when our eyes connected. His jaw ticked, and his expression was nothing short of tortured.

  “Please,” I whispered.

  It was his turn to squeeze his eyes shut before letting his shoulders drop and loosening his grip on my face. “Are you sure? I need you to be sure.”

  “I’m sure,” I promised. “Just kiss me. Please. I need to feel you.”

  His body trembled as he kissed me soft and slow, letting me lead. He slipped his hands down my shoulders to my back before wrapping me in his arms and holding me close. His touch was tender as he backed me toward the bed, pausing as he waited for my reassurance.

  I trailed my fingers down his chest to the bottom of his shirt and wrapped the material in my fists before pulling it up and over his head. The smell of his cologne filled my senses, and the heat from his skin caused goose bumps to spread across my body. He moved his hands to the bottom of my sweater, and he hesitated, waiting. I nodded and lifted my arms until we stood chest-to-chest, skin-to-skin.

  “Lonna, please tell me this is okay. I need to hear it.”

  “It’s okay. I want this. I want you. I’m yours. Don’t make me wait any longer.”

  “Jesus,” he exhaled before dropping his mouth to my neck and placing soft kisses against my skin that left a trail of fire in their wake. He peeled off my clothes piece by piece, and I did the same to him until we stood bare and vulnerable before each other. “You’re perfect.”

  I let out a small laugh and shook my head. “I’m far from perfect.”

  He eased me onto the bed and crawled over me, brushing the hair from my face before giving me the sweetest smile I’d ever seen. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. That’s pretty fucking perfect to me.”

  My body relaxed into the mattress, and I melted in his arms when he pushed inside me. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and stars danced behind my lids as we moved together, perfectly in sync, as if our bodies were made for each other. When we fell over the edge and collapsed into a heap of limbs, he kissed my temple and stroked my hair.

  I felt complete for the first time since that awful night all those months ago. With my head against his chest, I listened as his heart slowed and his breathing evened. Without looking at him, I started talking.

  “I don’t remember what happened,” I began, the words swelling in my throat and threatening to cut off my air. I heard Gavin’s breath catch in his chest, and I moved my hand over it, tracing patterns on his skin until he let out a slow exhale and tightened his arms around me. After a moment, I continued, losing myself in what I could remember about that night. “It was my graduation party at my sorority house. Everyone was having a blast…”

  I weaved through groups of people, red Solo cup held above my head. Classic. The dank smell of weed hung like a heavy fog around us. The overpowering mixture of cologne and perfume was only muted by the musky scent of sweat. Music pumped through the speakers, so loud people had to practically stick their tongue in someone’s ear to be heard. To most people, it would have been a turn-off, but not me. I hadn’t partied nearly as much as I would have liked over the last four years, so when the opportunity arose, I took it.

  “Lookin’ good, Lonna!” someone shouted from across the room. I tipped my cup in the general vicinity of the voice and smiled. I did look good. I’d taken extra time making sure my long dark hair hung in soft curls down my back. Krista had done my makeup in a dark, but still somehow natural, way. My midthigh skirt danced around my legs as I moved, and the silky material of my tank draped down my back like a waterfall. I looked at my feet, grinning at the wedge shoes Krista bought me as a congratulation present, their satin laces winding around my calves to my knees.

  “Get a room!” Krista laughed, pulling me into a one-armed hug.

  I giggled at Krista’s over-the-top expression. “With my legs?”

  “I would!”

  I sighed and wrapped my free arm around Krista’s waist. “You’re ridiculous.”

  “Yup.”

  All around us, people smiled, danced, and seemed to be having the time of their lives. It caused a feeling of nostalgia to tug at my heartstrings. The tequila in my cup was also a contributing factor to my heightened emotional state. I wasn’t ready for it to end. I wasn’t ready to be an adult. “Can’t I just stay in college forever?”

  “Oh, Lonna,” Krista said, downing the contents of her own Solo cup. “Nothing is going to change, not really. The only difference will be that you have to get up super early, punch a time clock, sit behind a desk in a cube all day, and watch the rest of your life fade away into a bleak existence. Totally normal.”

  My nose wrinkled at her depressing prediction. “God, you’re a horrible friend. Where’s Ethan? He’s much better with the whole, life only gets better nonsense.”

  “It’s not nonsense,” Ethan said, stepping behind us and putting his arms around our shoulders. “Everything is going to be great.”

  I gave Krista a pointed stare. “See? That’s how you do it.” Krista tossed her pencil-straight blond hair over her shoulder and rolled her big blue eyes.

  “While you guys meditate or some shit, I’m going to grab another drink.” Krista sashayed off, her steps already a little suspect.

  “How long before she’s passed out in one of the lawn chairs?” Ethan asked with a grin. I tapped my finger to my chin and pretended to think.

  “You know what? I say we don’t find out. Let’s beat her to the punch!”

  “Tequila shots?”

  I nodded. “Hell yes.”

  “Hours passed. The later it got, the louder the music, the thicker the smoke in the air, and the more amazing the night became. I’d managed to lose Krista and Ethan, so I just propped up against the wa
ll and tried to stop the room from spinning. That’s when I saw him. I couldn’t tell you a single thing about him now, but I remember thinking he was so hot. He offered to get me a drink, but I was in a tequila shot frame of mind, so that’s what we did. We danced and laughed, and then someone handed me ecstasy, and in my drunken state, I decided it was the best idea ever. So, the guy and I did that too. The entire night became a swirl of colors and sounds. We started making out, and the next thing I remember was being upstairs in one of the bedrooms.

  “I don’t… I don’t know what happened after that. It’s just flashes of blurry images and smells. My body felt so heavy, like I couldn’t move, and I had this ball of dread in the pit of my stomach. I remember telling him to stop,” I said, my breaths coming out in choppy pants as heat seared my skin and tears trailed down my cheeks. “But he didn’t, and I couldn’t move.” A sob tore from my chest, and Gavin sat up, coiling his body around mine, trying to protect me from a night I could barely remember.

  “Shh,” he choked, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “You don’t have to do this. It’s okay.”

  I shook my head and ground my teeth together. “I have to. I have to tell you. I want you to know. I don’t want this night to hang over me like a black cloud anymore.”

  He kissed the top of my head once more and nodded, his grip warm and perfect. “Okay. Whatever you want, Lonna. Whatever you need.”

  I cleared my throat and pulled in a deep breath. “I don’t remember the details, obviously, but I got sick, and he left. I have these flashes of me over the toilet, vomiting and sobbing. I woke hours later, naked on the bathroom floor with a pounding headache and an ache between my legs. I’ve tried so hard to remember, but there’s this veil over parts of the night, and I can’t seem to lift it. I just knew I’d never felt more ashamed in my life.”

  “Lonna,” Gavin whispered, his voice gravelly. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. It wasn’t your fault.”

  “That’s what everyone keeps saying, but until I can believe it for myself, it doesn’t matter. I can’t stop feeling the way I do.”

  “It just takes time, but you’ll find peace. I promise.”

  “You can’t promise that,” I mumbled, my body sinking into him as fatigue slowly consumed me.

  He slipped us back onto the mattress and tucked me against his chest. “Get some rest.” Cocooned in the scent of cedar and cloves, I drifted to sleep in a sea of warmth.

  When I woke the next morning, Gavin was gone.

  “Lonna, I need you to calm down and tell me what happened. You’re not making any sense.” Krista handed me a glass of water and scooted closer, her eyes filled with concern. Not that I could blame her; I probably looked like a crazy person. Waking up to find Gavin gone was like a shot to my chest. He hadn’t left a note or anything. When I tried to call, his phone went straight to voice mail.

  “He hates me. He probably thinks I’m some kind of slut who gets shitfaced and fucks guys then pretends she doesn’t remember. I was so fucking stupid.” Another sob tore from my chest, and I felt like I was being split in two. Why did he leave? Why was his phone off? I’d tried to come up with a million reasons for him to have left, but none were good.

  “You’re being ridiculous. I’ve seen the way Gavin looks at you. There’s no way he would just leave without good reason. Something must have happened.” Krista tried to hide it, but I could hear the traces of doubt in her voice. She was coming to the same realization I had—Gavin had bailed on me.

  “I slept with him, Krista. I slept with him, then I told him my story, and he left.” I clutched my pillow to my chest and fought back the fresh round of tears forming. When I’d fallen asleep the night before, I’d felt so full of peace. The last thing I’d ever expected was to wake up to cold sheets and a hollowed-out feeling in my chest.

  “You’ll see him tonight. I’m sure of it.”

  I cocked my head to the side. “I will?”

  “The meeting. It’s tonight. Aren’t you going?”

  I licked my lips and tried to calm the nervous energy surging through me. I hadn’t even thought about the meeting. Should I go? Would he talk to me? “I’m not sure I should go.”

  “The fuck you say,” Krista said, her tone leaving no room for argument. “You need answers, and you’re sure as shit not going to get them sitting in this bed, looking like an extra from Night of the Living Dead.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t stop if I’d tried. Krista always seemed to know the right thing to say, and for just a moment, things didn’t seem so bad. I leaned around her and peeked at my reflection in the mirror, cringing when I saw myself. Jesus. “I think this is more the caliber of The Walking Dead.”

  Krista brushed back my hair and nodded solemnly. “Please don’t eat my intestines. I’ve worked really hard on these abs.”

  “Oh my God. Get out. I need to shower and figure out what I’m going to say to him tonight.”

  Krista gave me a small smile and cupped my face in her hands. “Everything is going to be fine. Maybe his reason for leaving has nothing to do with you at all. Maybe this is something he’s working through. Don’t forget where you two met. He might be battling his own demons right now.”

  I nodded, a bit of the anxiety coiled in my chest releasing. I hadn’t considered how last night could have affected him. Was it too soon for him? He had been hesitant. What if I’d pushed him to do something he wasn’t ready for? Shit. Nothing was ever easy, but as Krista liked to say, this was next level complicated. After Krista left me alone, I paced my room. I unpacked and made the bed, stopping when I picked up the pillow Gavin had slept on. It smelled like him. I pulled in a deep breath, letting his scent wash over me before placing it gently on the bed. I’d have answers soon enough.

  “Hey, Bat,” I said, scanning the room for Gavin. My heart sank when I noticed his seat was empty.

  “Hey, Lonna. How was your Thanksgiving?” I was grateful she’d pulled me into a hug so she didn’t see the pain that flashed across my face.

  I cleared my throat. “It was good. How about you?”

  Bat shrugged and toed the carpet with the tip of her boot. “You know, same ol’, same ol’.” I got the distinct impression she didn’t want to say anything more, and I was perfectly okay with that. It wasn’t a topic I was interested in continuing either.

  “Have you seen Gavin?” I tried to keep my voice casual, but the way Bat’s head snapped up and her eyes narrowed told me I failed miserably.

  “No,” she answered, her response deliberately slow. “I just assumed he would be with you.”

  I shook my head and waved my hand. “It’s no big deal. I just haven’t talked to him since last night. That’s all.” It wasn’t a lie, but I wasn’t getting into that. Not here, not now. She eyed me for a second then nodded.

  “He should be here any minute. Don’t sweat it.”

  I walked to my usual chair and settled in as people filed into the room. Their voices became background noise as I played on my phone, scrolling through Facebook like it was the most important thing in the world. In all honesty, at that moment, it was. I’d been looking at Gavin’s page all day, hoping to see him post something but also praying he didn’t. His sister had already sent me a friend request and the link to install Snapchat. It made me smile.

  “Everyone take a seat. Let’s get started,” Melissa said. I glanced at Gavin’s chair, unsurprised to find it still empty. I knew he hadn’t come in. I could always feel his presence as strongly as an actual touch. The only thing I felt now was the warm air from the vents in the ceiling. My leg bounced throughout the meeting, and for the first time, I completely tuned out what those around me were saying. I felt raw and on edge. I’d just shared my story with someone other than my roommates, and he’d bailed on me. I wasn’t in the right headspace to separate my feelings.

  I didn’t linger after the meeting. I didn’t want to give Bat the opportunity to ask the questions I saw written all over her
face. I darted across the street and ducked into Lucky’s before I realized what I’d done.

  “Lonna!” Pearl said, her smile wide and eyes bright. She had garland wrapped around her arms and neck like a boa, and blue and red pieces that had come loose were stuck in her cotton-colored hair. She looked adorable. “I’m so happy you’re here. What do you think?” She spread her arms out wide, and for the first time, I looked around the diner. Holy shit. There wasn’t a single inch of the restaurant that wasn’t plastered with Christmas decorations.

  “It’s festive,” I said with a small laugh when Bill came from behind the counter, fairy lights outlining his apron.

  “She’s lost her mind. I don’t know what’s gotten into her this year, but she’s definitely feeling the Christmas spirit.”

  “Oh hush, you,” Pearl said, her smile adoring. “Something about this year feels different. Maybe it’s this darling coming into our lives.” She reached out and pulled me into a hug, dropping a motherly kiss on my cheek. Warmth spread through me, and I returned her embrace. I didn’t say it, but meeting Pearl had been one of the highlights of my year. She pulled back and looked around, her lips turning into a small frown before she wiped it away. “Go have a seat. I have something special for you.”

  I wasn’t hungry. I’d only stopped by out of habit, but looking at Bill’s and Pearl’s smiling faces, I realized it was exactly what I needed. I walked to my booth, our booth, and slid across the slick vinyl. A tiny dancing Santa wearing a lei, grass skirt, and playing the ukulele swayed his hips between the salt and pepper shakers at the back of the table. I smiled. Pearl was really feeling the Christmas spirit.

  “Tell me if you like this,” Pearl said, setting down a piece of cake and easing into the seat across from me. I was caught a bit off guard, but I took the fork she held in the air and pulled the plate closer.

  I drew in a deep breath and let out a satisfied sigh. “If it tastes anything like it smells, it’s going to be amazing. Not that you have anything to worry about, I’ve never had a single thing here that I haven’t loved.” I plunged my fork into the soft cake and took a bite. An explosion of chocolate, peppermint, and heaven filled my senses. “Oh my God, this is amazing. It tastes like peppermint bark. I love peppermint bark.”