BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

I gave him a small smile. “Something like that.”

  “So, cake. Are we doing this?”

  “Sure.”

  He disappeared into the kitchen and, a moment later, reappeared with an extra fork. He eased onto the couch beside me and held out the container so I could stab a bite of cake. We sat in silence for a moment before he cleared his throat. “So, did you go out today? You looked showered.”

  “You and Krista are assholes, you know that?”

  “Maybe so, but that still doesn’t answer my question.”

  “No, I did not go out today. Pearl actually brought me food.”

  Ethan raised his brow. “She delivers? Why the fuck am I just hearing about this now?”

  “No, you fool. She doesn’t. Krista and Bat had planned on dragging me there to eat, but since I foiled their plans, they sent Pearl to me.”

  Ethan gave me a knowing look. “I thought Krista was a handful. That Bat is something else.” He paused for another bite of cake. “So, what did you two talk about?”

  I thought about just blowing him off. I wasn’t really up for a rehash of our conversation. For one thing, it was a very personal story to her, and Gavin was always a tricky subject. Still, the last words she said to me echoed in my mind. I promised her I would try to be better about not shutting out my friends. I pulled in a deep breath and set my fork down before pulling a pillow against my chest. “We talked about a lot of things. The diner, her and Bill, Gavin…”

  “Oh?” he asked, shoving another bite of cake in his mouth, his expression neutral.

  “I can’t be sure, but I kind of got the feeling she wanted me to forgive him.”

  “He doesn’t deserve your forgiveness. He doesn’t deserve you. Lonna, please tell me you aren’t considering this. The fact that you haven’t thrown his ass in jail still confuses the fuck out of me. I know you had feelings for him, but at some point, you have to have a little respect for yourself.”

  “Wow, thanks a lot.” I moved to stand, but Ethan grabbed my hand and held me in place.

  “That didn’t come out right at all. Jesus, I used to be so good at this. Now, everything I say is a fucking train wreck. What I meant is, could you really be okay allowing him back into your life? Would you ever be able to look at him and see the person you cared about and not the guy who hurt you in the worst kind of way?”

  I picked at the corner of the pillow and shook my head. “No. I couldn’t. And I don’t think that’s what Pearl meant. I can’t really explain it.” That was a bald-faced lie. I could one hundred percent explain it. I knew it the moment I told Pearl my story. She didn’t agree with my assertion that Gavin raped me. I wasn’t mad at her for feeling that way—hell, I’d wondered the same thing a million times. But then I’d remember the feeling of panic and helplessness. I’d remember begging him to stop and how he just kept going. Even if rape wasn’t the technical term, I’d never be able to see it as anything else.

  “I just want you to be happy again, Lonna. You’ve been robbed of that not once, but twice. It’s your turn for something good to happen.”

  “I just need a little luck,” I said with a shrug.

  “And the right kind of love,” he added, pushing the hair behind my ear. His touch was gentle and sweet, but it caused the wrong kind of goose bumps to spread across my skin. I cleared my throat, and just as I was about to make an excuse to leave the room, Krista walked through the front door.

  “Hey, guys,” she said with a wide smile as Brett followed in behind her. “What are you two doing?”

  “Eating cake,” Ethan said, shifting away from me to give Brett that man greeting all guys did.

  “Oh?” Krista’s attempt at sounding nonchalant was weak at best.

  I narrowed my eyes. “I know what you did,” I snapped, standing from the couch and crossing the room until I was in front of her. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her close so I could whisper against her ear. “Thank you. For everything.”

  She let out a short laugh and hugged me back. “I’ve got your back. Always.”

  We spent the rest of the evening listening to Ethan tell stories about Krista and his sister Bailey growing up, much to Brett’s delight and Krista’s dismay. Watching the two of them together made my heart swell. They fit together so well, like two pieces of a puzzle. I’d thought of Gavin and me that way once, but we ended up being two corner pieces that would never click into place. Not now and not ever again.

  “So, are you in?” Krista asked.

  “I wasn’t listening,” I admitted with an apologetic smile.

  Krista rolled her eyes. “Oh, I know. You’ve been staring off into space for the last ten minutes. I was hoping you’d want to play it cool like you’d been listening and just say yes.”

  I tsked. “That’s such a rookie mistake. I’ve been around you far too long to fall for that one.”

  “It was worth a shot. Anyway. We’re going to see Meg Myers at Terminal West on Thursday. Come with us.”

  I groaned and let my head fall against the back of the couch. I really loved her, but the thought of going to a concert with a bunch of Thirsty Thursday college kids was the last thing in the world I wanted to deal with. “Maybe next time.”

  “Come on, Lonna, it’ll be fun. You’ve got to get out a little.”

  Pearl’s words echoed in my head again, and I really hoped this wasn’t going to become a thing because that would be super annoying. “How about I meet you guys for dinner before? I really don’t mind hanging out. I just don’t think I’m ready for the concert scene. You know how it can get at that place.”

  A look of surprise flashed across Krista’s face, followed by a genuine smile. “I’ll take it! You’ve got yourself a deal.”

  I looked at the clock. It was already after ten, and I had a big day at work tomorrow. Plus, I was in the best headspace I’d been in for a while. I was hopeful it would translate into a good night’s sleep for a change. After telling everyone goodnight, I was making my way down the hall when I heard heavy footsteps following.

  “Hey, Lonna.”

  “Yeah?” I said, turning to Ethan.

  “I’m not really interested in being a third wheel at the concert. Do you want to come back and hang out here after dinner? We still haven’t watched that Drew Barrymore zombie show on Netflix.”

  “Oh yeah,” I said with a laugh. “It’s supposed to be hilarious. We can do that. It’ll be fun.”

  “Awesome. It’s a date.” Before I could say anything about his word choice, he’d already started back to the living room.

  “Not a date,” I mumbled before getting ready for bed. As I lay in bed that night with my eyes closed, instead of missing faces and the smell of tequila making my stomach turn, I thought of a young couple standing in front of a shiny new diner with the name Lucky’s lit in bright neon lights. I didn’t have a single nightmare.

  “Brett and Krista are so cute,” I said. Maybe slurred. I really shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine. I’d become such a lightweight. “They’re totes going to get married and have babies.”

  “Well, if I didn’t know before, I know it now,” Ethan said with a chuckle as he unlocked the door to our apartment.

  “Know what? What do you know? You don’t know anything. Boys are dumb.”

  “That you’re drunk. You are one-hundred-percent drunk.”

  “And how did you deduce that, Mr. Watson?” Ugh. I was drunk.

  “Because you said totes. That’s a giant red flag.” He helped me in the door, and I stumbled over my feet. All three of them.

  “Shit. You’re right.” I looked up at him and gave him puppy-dog eyes. I probably looked like I was having a stroke. “Help?”

  He let out a laugh and walked me over to the couch. “Sit.” I might have saluted him before I fell gracelessly onto the couch. He shook his head and pulled off my shoes before tossing them toward the door. “I’m going to heat up the leftover pizza in the fridge and get you a glass of water since y
ou chose to drink instead of eat dinner.”

  “You da best, E-Man.”

  “I…don’t even know how to respond to that. I’ll be back.”

  I dropped my head against the back of the sofa and closed my eyes to stop the room from spinning. Skipping lunch then eating a couple mozzarella sticks with as many glasses of wine was dumb. I heard the microwave come to life and the faucet running and couldn’t help but feel grateful for Ethan. He had been shady as fuck at times, but he stood by me when it mattered. He was a good dude.

  “Here,” he said, offering me a plate of food and a giant glass of water.

  “Thank you so much,” I moaned, taking a bite of warm, cheesy goodness.

  “You’re welcome,” he chuckled. “I’m going to grab a drink since I didn’t have a bottle of wine with dinner. You eat.” I mumbled something incoherent and continued to shovel pizza into my mouth and chase it with water. After a couple minutes, Ethan came back and fell onto the couch next to me.

  “Better?” he asked, eyeing my already empty plate.

  “Yes.” I leaned toward him and sniffed his drink, immediately lurching away. “Jesus, did you pour any mixer in there at all?”

  He laughed and swirled the liquid around in the glass. “It’s scotch on the rocks. So, no. No mixer.”

  “Gross. You do you, boo. Are you ready to watch Zombie Drew?”

  “Hell yes.” Ethan turned on the television, and after a few minutes, we were both laughing our asses off at whatever the fuck we were watching. It was ridiculous. It was exactly what I needed. Of course, my buzz was quickly evaporating from the pizza and water. Ethan, on the other hand, was going in the other direction. His eyes were heavy, and his smile was loose. It was cute. Sorta. I didn’t want to lose the feeling, so I jumped to my feet.

  “I need wine. I can’t have us being two passing drunks in the night. We need to take this journey together. I’ll be right back.” I poured a full glass of wine and walked back into the living room as the next episode started. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d laughed so much. After more than three hours, our sides were aching so much, it hurt to breathe.

  “I can’t believe someone so pretty can make such horrible faces,” Ethan laughed, his face bright red from laughter and alcohol.

  “Drew is a fox. I don’t care that she’s eating someone’s intestines.”

  “Lonna, that’s nasty. And I have to piss. Do you need anything?”

  “Nope. I’m all set.” Ethan jumped from the couch and darted to the bathroom. I spotted his phone on the coffee table, and a smile stretched across my face. I’d show him how dumb and stupid girls could look when they weren’t trying to impress anyone. I typed in the passcode he’d given me when candle girl wouldn’t stop messaging him, and I opened his camera. The face I made… Well, it was nothing short of epic. And it was about to be his screensaver. Sucker.

  I opened his photo gallery and scrolled for the picture, annoyed by all the folders he had. Of course, he had everything listed by event and name. I stopped when I saw the label for “Lonna’s Party.” My throat tightened, and my smile was gone. I couldn’t stop myself from opening it. What seemed like hundreds of pictures loaded on the screen. A sad smile spread across my face when I saw the three of us, shot glasses in the air, wide smiles on our faces. It was before everything went to shit. I scrolled down, and what I saw next caused my blood to run cold. It was a picture of me, with Gavin. We were dancing and laughing, and I felt like I was going to vomit. The looks on our faces were nothing short of pure happiness coated in a thick layer of lust and desire. Did Ethan know these were on here? Did he know Gavin had been at the party? Why hadn’t he said anything? I scrolled farther down, and it was more of the same. Dozens of pictures of Gavin and me doing shots, dancing, grinding, going up the stairs.

  “What the fuck,” I exhaled, my heart hammering in my chest. I froze when I saw a subfolder with no label. Ethan had a label for every single folder in his phone except this one. A chill ran up my spine, and my fingers trembled as I clicked it.

  “No,” I gasped, standing from the couch. “No,” I said again, as if repeating the word would make the image on the screen go away. My eyes filled with tears, and the room dipped and turned and, fuck, there was no air.

  It was me. Naked. It wasn’t just one picture; there were at least two dozen. And they were taken in my friend’s room. That room. The room where Gavin raped me. I dropped my glass to the floor, the earsplitting crash doing nothing to help bring me out of the hell I’d sunk to the bottom of.

  “Lonna?” Ethan said, running into the room. “Are you—” The words died in his throat as he looked to the phone in my hand. His phone. All the color drained from his face, and any hope I’d had that this was some huge mistake vanished like vapors in the air.

  “Why do you have these?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

  He held up his hands and took an unsteady step toward me. “Lonna, I can explain.”

  “Why do you have these?” I asked again, my voice stronger, louder. My entire body trembled, and my knees were on the brink of collapsing. I needed him to make sense of this because the story in my head was unthinkable. Unbearable.

  “It’s not what you think…”

  “Then tell me what the fuck it is!” I screamed, the muscles in my neck straining and my eyes aching from the force of the blood surging through my body. “Because it looks like you have naked fucking pictures of me from the night Gavin raped me. It looks like you have a lot of pictures of Gavin too. Why didn’t you tell me he was at the party? Why would you keep something like that from me? Why do you have naked pictures of me, Ethan? Why?”

  All the breath left my body, and I swayed as Gavin’s words came back to me. Tears streamed down my face, and blood flowed like lava under my skin, burning me to ash from the inside out.

  The next thing I remember is some guy yanking me out of a bed…telling me I’d raped a girl.

  “Oh God,” I sobbed, the sharp pain in my chest making it difficult to breathe. “Ethan,” I pleaded, the entire world hidden being a shimmer of tears. “Please. Please tell me you’re not the guy. Please. Please tell me you’re not the guy who dragged Gavin out of the room. Why would you keep something like that from me? Why wouldn’t you tell me?”

  He paced in front of me like a caged animal, his hands fisting his hair. “It was supposed to be me, Lonna. It was always supposed to be me. The few times we’d done ecstasy in the past, you were always so flirty, sweet, and into me,” he rambled, his words not making any sense. “I thought it would be like that again, that you would finally realize how fucking perfect I am for you and stop torturing both of us. I just wanted to help you see what I already knew. We’re supposed to be together, Lonna. But then you gave him the drugs meant for us, and before I knew it, you were gone. I was fucking terrified for you. Then I found you…”

  I clutched my hand to my chest, and even though I thought I couldn’t hurt anymore, I did. I hurt everywhere. I felt like I was being cut into tiny pieces with a dull plastic knife. I wanted to die. I wanted him to die. I wanted to never know what this felt like. “You gave me the drugs?” I choked, everything becoming clearer as I fought for each gasp of air that entered my lungs. “You wanted me to take a drug that lowers my inhibitions, so I’d have this momentous revelation that I was in love you, and we’d finally have sex? And when you found me with Gavin, you decided to take a bunch of pictures instead of calling the fucking cops? Was that your way of getting me back?”

  His face crumpled, and fuck him. Fuck him, and fuck everything. I covered my face with my hand and stumbled away from him until my back hit the wall, and I slid to the floor. I closed my eyes, and memories of that night hit me like a ton of bricks.

  Yelling.

  Bright light piercing the dark room. That room.

  Voices. Confusion. Anger.

  The smell of tequila and the feel of warm breath fanning over my skin.

  “I’m close.”
<
br />   Sweaty hands, anguish, and ecstasy. Push and pull. Yes and no.

  Stop.

  Heavy weight, drops of sweat on bare skin sinking into flesh like acid. Burning.

  Vomit. Dread.

  “God, you’re so beautiful.”

  Oh my God. No. It hadn’t been revenge. It was so much worse.

  “Hey, bitches. What’s up?” Krista appeared in the doorway with Brett behind her. “Whoa, what the fuck?” she said, her words filled with surprise. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from Ethan, but I could only imagine what we looked like.

  “Lonna?” Her voice seemed to be coming from underwater. “What’s going on? Ethan?”

  “It was you,” I whispered, my lips trembling. I let out a heaving sob, and as angry as I was, I was also fucking devastated.

  “Can someone fucking answer me?”

  “See for yourself,” I croaked, my throat so tight, I wasn’t sure how the words escaped. I held up the phone and finally turned to look at her. When I did, she stopped dead in her tracks and took a step back as if I were pointing a gun at her. In a way, I guess I was. This was about to blow up her life as much as it had mine.

  “Krista, don’t,” Ethan said, his voice bordering on hysterical. He took a step forward, and I lost it.

  “Don’t you dare take another fucking step!” I screamed, a surge of adrenaline raging inside me as I jumped to my feet.

  “What’s on the phone, Lonna?” Krista asked, her voice trembling.

  “Lonna, don’t do this,” Ethan begged. Begged. I knew about begging; I’d begged him to get off me over and over, and he hadn’t given a single fuck.

  I let out a harsh laugh, hollow and filled with disgust. “Why should I listen to you? You didn’t listen to me when I begged you to stop.”

  “Lonna,” Krista said again. “What are you talking about?”

  “Lonna, don’t.” Ethan took another step forward, and Brett moved in front of him, pushing Ethan toward the kitchen.

  “Hey, man. How about you just take a step back, okay?” Brett sounded friendly enough, but there was an edge to his voice that made it clear it wasn’t a request.