BLACKOUT

by Olivia Evans

  “Look at it,” I said again, thrusting the phone into Krista’s hand. She took one look at the screen, and her eyes widened with disbelief.

  “What the fuck is this?”

  I took the phone back and exited the subfolder, showing her the pictures from the party, the pictures of me with Gavin. She held the phone in her shaking hands and opened the subfolder again. She was trying to make sense of what she saw, but she didn’t have the vivid images of the few memories I had. She wasn’t connecting the dots.

  I leaned closer, my lips nearly touching her ear. “Ethan gave me ecstasy because he thought I’d have sex with him. He’s the one who pulled Gavin out of the room. He’s the one who told Gavin he raped me,” I whispered.

  “No.” Krista shook her head, her jaw tight as tears shimmered in her eyes. She looked in his direction, her eyes wild. I saw the moment it clicked for her. He wasn’t just the guy who’d pulled Gavin out of the room. There was a reason he hadn’t called the cops. A reason he hadn’t revealed he knew Gavin the moment they were introduced. He didn’t want Gavin to remember him. He didn’t want me to finally see his face hovering above mine as I begged him to stop. Brett still stood with his hands on Ethan’s chest, his face a mask of confusion. “Tell me she’s wrong. Tell me you didn’t rape my best friend, Ethan.”

  “Holy shit,” Brett whispered, taking a step back from Ethan, his eyes wide as saucers.

  “Tell me she’s wrong, goddamn it!” Krista screamed, her body vibrating. When Ethan said nothing, she let out an inhuman scream and charged at him, his phone crashing to the floor. In what felt like a millisecond, she was in front of him, and when her hand connected with his face, I could feel it from across the room.

  “Krista!” Brett shouted, wrapping his arms around her waist and lifting her in the air, but not before she managed to hit and kick Ethan again and again. “Baby, calm down.”

  “Fuck him! Fuck you, Ethan! Do you hear me? You’re fucking dead to me!” she spat, squirming in Brett’s arms, trying to break free. Ethan never moved, never tried to defend himself, didn’t even bother to wipe away the blood running down his face. He just stared at me, and I stared back.

  Brett dragged Krista to her bedroom and, after a few minutes, came back out, his eyes darting between Ethan and me. His face was apologetic when he focused on me before turning to Ethan. “Come on, man. You can’t be here. You need to leave.”

  Ethan nodded and didn’t put up a fight as Brett led him to the front door, grabbing his shoes and taking him out into the hall. “Tell Krista I’ll be back later. I’m going to stay with you guys tonight.”

  “Okay,” I said, my voice hoarse. When the front door clicked shut, I stood motionless, unsure what to do with myself. I heard Krista banging around in her room, cursing and crying the whole time. My nose burned, and tears sprang to my eyes as I listened to her anguish. I understood. This was going to tear her family apart.

  After a moment, I walked to the sofa and sat down. I tried to make sense of it all. Tried to understand how he could spend months and months comforting me for the very thing he’d done. I looked around the room, the broken glass, the wine spilled on the rug, the splatters of blood on the wall and floor, and the phone with the shattered screen lying in the center of it all.

  I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when Krista finally came out of her room and sat next to me. Her face was blotchy, with dark tracks of mascara trailing down her cheeks from her red, swollen eyes. She grabbed my hands and pulled them against her chest.

  “I’m so sorry, Lonna. I’m so, so sorry. Please forgive me.”

  A burst of air escaped my chest, and for a moment, I sat in stunned silence. “Why on earth would you need my forgiveness? You did nothing wrong.”

  She shook her head, and a fresh round of tears fell from her eyes. “Because I brought him into your life. I moved him in to this apartment. I should have known. I should have seen the signs, something. I failed you.”

  “Come here, you stupid idiot,” I choked, pulling my hands free and wrapping her into a hug. “There was no way you could have known. He fooled all of us. I don’t blame you for this. I could never. You’re my best friend. I love you.”

  “God, Lonna,” she cried, her body shaking. “This is a fucking nightmare. What are we going to do?”

  “We?”

  She pulled away and looked me in the eye. “You’re fucking right, we. I don’t give a shit if he’s my cousin. What he did is un-fucking-thinkable. It was deliberate and planned out. And he was going to let someone else take the fall for what he did. He sat back and watched your heart break over and over again, and he did nothing. He let you believe the man you are in love with raped you to cover his ass. So, yes—we.”

  My heart sped up as I processed her words. Gavin. Oh my God.

  The room around me shimmered and blurred, but everything felt so good, and I wanted nothing more than to have his hands all over me. When his lips pressed against mine, I felt my knees buckle, and he had to wrap his arms around my waist to keep me standing.

  One kiss, then two. Soft touches and whispers, and then we were in the upstairs bedroom of my sorority sister, Anna, who was out of town for the weekend. He peeled the shirt from my body, and we were both flying high. I wanted him all over me. One by one, our clothes disappeared, and then we were pressed together skin-to-skin. God, he was perfect.

  “Is this okay?”

  “Yes…god.”

  I opened my eyes and released a heavy breath. Ever since my confrontation with Ethan, snippets of memories began to show themselves through my dreams. Some were good, like the one this morning. Others snatched me from sleep, panting and sweating. It was the same nightmare that had plagued me for close to a year. But this time, there was no mystery, no inked-out space in my memories. I saw Ethan’s face, smelled the tequila on his breath, felt his weight pushing down on me.

  My gaze drifted to where Ethan’s cell phone sat on my nightstand. He hadn’t asked for it and I hadn’t offered to return it. Instead I’d studied the pictures of Gavin and me over and over again. The one thing that became impossibly clear; Gavin hadn’t done anything that night I wasn’t one hundred percent on board with.

  “Lonna, are you up?” Krista shouted as Courtney Love blared through the speakers. The last couple days had been filled with rage-packing, grief, and her own set of nightmares. She’d blasted angry music throughout the apartment while throwing Ethan’s shit into boxes. I was pretty sure more was damaged than not. I didn’t give a shit. We all had our way of dealing with grief. Brett had worked as the pack mule, carrying all the boxes down to the street. Krista wouldn’t allow Ethan back into the apartment, even if we were gone. Neither of us knew where he was staying or what he’d told people, and neither of us cared.

  “Lonna!” she yelled again

  “No,” I groaned, covering my face with a pillow just as my bedroom door flew open and a frazzled Krista burst inside.

  “Get up, bitch. We have shit to do today.” Sweat covered her forehead, and her face was bright red.

  I sat up and stared at her, wide-eyed. “What the hell have you been doing?”

  “I just worked out. I’m going to drop the rest of this shit out in the hall, then Brett and I are going to spend the day together.”

  “So, what is this ‘we’ thing you spoke of?”

  Krista laughed and came over to hop onto my bed. I bounced a little, and my pillows fell to the floor. “I didn’t say we had things to do together, I just say we had things to do.”

  “And what is it I’m supposed to do today?”

  Her face softened, and all playfulness disappeared from her expression. “You need to go see Gavin.”

  My heart sped up at the thought of seeing his face, of being near him and telling him the truth. “I don’t know if I’m ready.” It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, because I did. I just felt so guilty. Guilty for dragging him into my bullshit. Ethan’s bullshit.

  “Lonna,” she
said gently. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course you can. You can ask me anything.”

  “Have you ever really considered why you didn’t turn Gavin in? Even after he said he’d confessed? Even after he told you he’d gone to the police himself?”

  Well, that wasn’t what I expected. “I…” I shook my head. I really had no idea.

  “Do you think it’s possible the reason you didn’t is because something inside you told you there was more to the story? That maybe even though you couldn’t remember, a part of you couldn’t believe he’d do that. You spent a lot of time with him. You got to know him. You fell in love with him. Maybe you doubted just a little that he could have done that to you?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. I guess. Maybe it had more to do with the fact that I had feelings for him, which made me feel so disgusted with myself, I couldn’t see anything past that.”

  “You hated him.”

  “I did,” I agreed.

  “You thought he was a monster. He broke your heart.”

  Tears pricked my eyes, and I was really sick of crying. “Yes.”

  She placed her hand on top of mine and let out a heavy breath. “He doesn’t know that he’s not any of those things. He still thinks he raped you. He still thinks he’s a monster who broke your heart. He’s still living with the belief that he hurt someone he cared about deeply, possibly loved. He deserves to know the truth. He deserves to have that burden lifted. You know what really happened now. He deserves to have that information as well.”

  “Fuck,” I exhaled. “The last couple days have been so crazy, I just put that in the back of my mind. I know I need to tell him, but I can only handle one fucking catastrophe at a time.”

  “Well,” Krista said, patting my hand and standing. “Today just happens to be catastrophe-free. Go put both of y’all out of your misery. This endless string of pain and lies needs to end. For both your sakes.”

  I swallowed and nodded. “You’re right.” Throwing off the comforter, I crawled out of bed and looked around the room. It was a mess, but it would have to wait. I needed to make things right. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got there, but he deserved to know the truth.

  “Good luck. I love you. See you tonight.” Krista gave me a soft kiss and spun on her heel, her pencil-straight blond hair swinging in her ponytail as she disappeared down the hall. I won’t lie; I took my sweet time getting ready. I felt trapped in my own home. The kitchen, the living room, the bathroom—everywhere I looked, I saw Ethan. My bedroom was my only solace, and I hated it.

  Showered and dressed, I pulled in a final breath and headed toward the front door, stopping short when I reached the living room. “What the shit?” I breathed, looking around. The entire room looked completely different. I had no idea when she’d done it, but Krista had redecorated the whole area. If I hadn’t known better, I would have sworn I was in a different apartment. A slow smile spread across my face as I pulled out my phone and sent her a quick text.

  Love you.

  I dropped my phone into my purse and, with a confidence I pretended to possess, headed to Gavin’s. It wasn’t until I stood in front of his house, much like I had the day I’d confronted him about ghosting me, that I realized I had no idea if he’d be home. What if he wasn’t there? What if he wasn’t alone? That thought caused a wave of nausea to twist me inside out. The possibility he’d moved on never crossed my mind, but what if he had? What if Ethan had taken Gavin away from me as well? My jaw ticked, and I straightened my shoulders before marching up the stairs to his front porch, casting a fleeting glance at the little old lady peeking out her window.

  I shifted my weight. I wiped my hands down the front of my jeans, and I licked my lips enough to chap them. I was stalling. When my teeth began to chatter from the cold, I knew I’d put it off long enough. Pulling in a lungful of air, I knocked on the door, the wood smarting against my bare knuckles.

  My emotions were a complete fucking mess. My heart hammered in my chest. I had no idea what I would feel or how I would react when I saw him. I listened to my breaths, heavy and loud in the quiet. There was nothing but stillness on the other side of the door. I leaned forward, hoping to hear a creak of the wood floors or the muted sounds of the television, and when nothing but stillness filled the air, an overwhelming feeling of disappointment crashed over me. I wanted to leave, but my feet were cemented to the floor, rooted in place. I knocked again with a little more force than before. The wind whipped my hair around my face and roared in my ears, which must have been why I didn’t hear footsteps or the click of the lock. Warm air blasted across my skin as I smoothed my hair back, and then he was there in front of me, his face colored with shock.

  “Lonna?”

  I hadn’t expected seeing him to completely wreck me, but it did. And what I did next was equally unexpected. My eyes filled with tears, and my face crumpled as I threw myself into his arms. Cedar and cloves swam around me; they were warmth and love and home. He stood frozen for only a moment before wrapping me in his arms and burying his face in my hair. It was not at all what I’d planned yet what absolutely needed to happen.

  “What are you doing here?” he whispered, his voice trembling. He hadn’t let me go, almost as if he was afraid if he did, I would vanish, and none of this would be real. I understood.

  “I have to tell you something and it’s really fucking important, but can you please just hold me a little longer?”

  He let out a choked gasp and pulled me into the living room, kicking the front door shut with his foot. “Whatever you want, Lonna.”

  A broken laugh escaped my chest, and I would never tire of hearing him say that. Not today or tomorrow or, if I was lucky, the rest of my life. He stroked my hair, his featherlight touch causing the reserves of adrenaline that had raced through my veins when I first saw him to vanish. As much as I didn’t want to, I slowly pulled away. When I looked at his beautiful face, tears shimmered in his baby-blue eyes. The sight caused my heart to clench.

  “Can we sit?” I asked, pulling his hands into mine. I couldn’t bear the thought of not touching him now.

  He swallowed and nodded, leading us to the couch. We sat and turned to face each other, drowning in each other’s eyes. He reached up and pushed my hair out of my face, and unlike when Ethan did it, I leaned into his touch, breathed in his warmth.

  “What are you doing here?” he whispered, afraid to break the spell around us. “Not that I’m not really fucking happy to see you, but…” He didn’t need to say anything else. The last time we’d been face-to-face, I’d told him I never wanted to see him again. It felt like a lifetime ago.

  I sighed and wiped under my eye. “I don’t know where to start.”

  “The beginning is always a good place.”

  I let out a laugh, and a genuine smile spread across my face. “Helpful as ever.”

  “Lonna,” he exhaled. “I’m dying here. What’s going on?”

  “You didn’t rape me,” I blurted out. Well, that wasn’t how I planned to start the conversation. But really, there was no playbook for a conversation like this. His face contorted with shame and confusion as he pulled his hands from mine and looked away. Goddamn Ethan for doing this to him. Doing this to me. To us.

  “We both know that isn’t true.”

  “It is,” I insisted, grabbing his hand again, my eyes narrowing when he tried to pull free. Enough of this shit. Rip off the Band-Aid.

  “You didn’t rape me. Ethan did. You and I had sex, consensual sex, and Ethan was jealous when he found us together, so he said you raped me and kicked you out of the room. And then he raped me. He was the guy. He was why, when you came back to the room, you heard me crying. He did this. All of it.”

  A myriad of emotions flitted across Gavin’s face in the moments that followed. Confusion, horror, relief, but what stood out the most was the absolute unbridled rage blazing from his bright blue eyes. He stood from the couch and raked his hands through his hair. He paced in f
ront of the couch, his fists clenching and unclenching as he muttered under his breath. I couldn’t speak—hell, I couldn’t move. I’ve never seen him like this, and I was a little frightened of what he might do next.

  “Fuck this,” he spat, grabbing his keys off the coffee table and bolting for the front door. His movement jolted me from my stupor, and I sprang to my feet.

  “Gavin!” I yelled, rushing after him as he pulled on his shoes. He kept muttering to himself, and I was pretty sure he hadn’t even heard me. “Gavin,” I said again, laying my hand on his back. “Where are you going?”

  He looked at me, and his expression caused me to take a step back. “I’m going to kill that motherfucker. That’s where I’m going.”

  I wrapped both hands around his arm and tried to pull him away from the door, but he wouldn’t budge. There was no way I’d be able to stop him physically, so I’d have to do it some other way. “Please don’t go,” I said, my voice pleading. “Don’t leave me.”

  His expression was tortured and I hated to use his feelings to keep him there, but I wasn’t going to allow him to fuck up his life. “I lost you because of him!” he roared, his fist slamming into the door with such force, I heard the bones in his hand crack.

  “Gavin,” I screamed, grabbing his hand and pulling it toward me. The skin over his knuckles had split, and blood seeped from the gashes. “Gavin, please stop.” Tears streamed down my face, and I was truly frightened for him.

  His body slumped, and he fell to his knees, his head pressed against my stomach. “He took you from me,” he said again, devastation suffusing his words. I dropped to my knees in front of him and lifted his face, his jaw cradled in my hands.

  “I’m here now,” I whispered, sweeping the pad of my thumb across his cheek. “I’m here now, and I don’t plan on leaving until you tell me to.”

  He closed his eyes, and his head fell forward until his forehead rested against mine. “I’ve missed you every single second of every day,” he said before wrapping me in his arms and pulling me into his lap as he fell back against the door. He pressed his lips to my temple, my forehead, the top of my head, breathing me in with every broken inhale and exhale.