Berry and Co.

by Dornford Yates

  CHAPTER V

  HOW JILL'S EDUCATION WAS IMPROVED, AND DAPHNE GAVE HER HUSBAND THE SLIP.

  "As I have frequently observed," said Berry, "your education has beenneglected. I'm not blaming those responsible. Your instruction must havebeen a thankless task."

  "I should think the masters who taught you enjoyed their holidays."

  Such a reply from Jill was like a sudden snowstorm in June, and Berry,who was in the act of drinking, choked with surprise. When he hadrecovered his breath--

  "You rude child," he said. "My prizes are among my most cherishedpossessions."

  "Where d'you keep them?"--suspiciously.

  "Chancery Lane Safe Deposit," was the reply. "When I die I shall leavethem to the Wallace Collection. The shoes I wore at the first night of_Buzz-Buzz_ are already promised to the Imperial Institute."

  "When you've quite finished," said Daphne, "I'll suggest that we go upfor the day on Friday. I don't mean to-morrow, but the one after."

  "It's a little early in the year," said I. "All the same, there's noreason why we shouldn't go up again later on. It's always open."

  "If the weather holds," said Jonah, "it will be looking wonderful."

  Oxford. Some reference had been made to the city while we sat atdessert, and in the midst of a banana Jill had confessed that she hadnever been there. The rest of us knew the place well. Berry had been atMagdalen, Jonah at New College, and I had fleeted four fat yearscarelessly as a member of "The House." But, while my sister had spentmany hours there during my residence, Jill had not once visited herbrother--largely, no doubt, because there was a disparity of six years,in her favour, between their ages.

  "I warn you," said Berry, "that I may break down. My return to thehaunts of early innocence may be too much for me. Yes," he added, "Ishouldn't be at all surprised if I were to beat my breast somewhere nearThe Martyrs' Memorial."

  "An appropriate locality," said Jonah. "If my memory serves me, it wasfor a crime committed almost under the shadow of that monument that youwere irrevocably sent down."

  Berry selected a cigar before replying. Then--

  "Only a malignant reptile would refer to that miscarriage of justice. Itwas not my fault that the animal which I employed exceeded itsinstructions and, as it were, pushed on after attaining its objective."

  "You expected it to consolidate the position?" said I.

  "Precisely. To dig itself in. It was like this. It was expedient--nomatter why--that a large boar should be introduced into Balliol Collegeshortly before 10 p.m. A gigantic specimen was accordingly procured andbrought to the Broad Street entrance in a hansom cab. It was theninduced to take up a position commanding the wicket-door. Thejuxtaposition of two hurdles, held in place by my subordinates,frustrated any attempt at untimely evacuation. At a given signal thecustomary kick was administered to the gate, indicating that some personor persons sought admission to the foundation. Unhesitatingly the porterresponded to the summons. The wicket was opened, and the pig passed in."

  "I think it was very cruel," said Daphne.

  "Not at all," said her husband. "There was more succulent grass upon thelawns of Balliol than was dreamt of in its ferocity. To continue. Mymission accomplished, I entered the hansom and drove to the Club. It wasduring an unfortunate altercation with the cabman, who demanded anunreasonably exorbitant sum for the conveyance of the pig, that I wasaccosted by a proctor for being gownless. The cab was still redolent ofits late occupant, and, although nothing was said at the time, it wasthis which afterwards led the authorities to suspect my complicity. Evenso, nothing would have been said but for a most distressing development.

  "I had expected that the pig would confine its attention to thequadrangles and gardens and to startling such members of the college ashappened casually to encounter it. Fate, however, decreed otherwise. Itappears that the creature's admission coincided with the opening of adoor which led directly into the Senior Common Room, where the Masterand Fellows were still discussing classical criticism and some '34 port.Attracted by the shaft of light and the mellow atmosphere of good cheerand hilarity which streamed into the comparative gloom of thequadrangle, the pig made a bee-line for the doorway, and a moment laterthe exclusive circle was enriched by the presence of this simple andunaffected guest. The details of what followed have never transpired,but from the Senior Proctor's demeanour at a subsequent interview, andthe amount of the bill for damage which I was requested to pay, I aminclined to think that the pig must have been a confirmed Bolshevist."

  "I hope you apologized to the Master."

  "I did. I received in reply a letter which I shall always value. It ranas follows--

  _SIR,_

  _I beg that you will think no more of the matter. Youth must be served.Many years ago I assisted your father in a somewhat similar enterprise.Till the other evening I had always believed that the havoc provoked bythe introduction of a dancing bear into a concert-room could not besurpassed. I am now less certain._

  _Yours very faithfully,_

  .."

  "I think," said Jill, "he was very forgiving."

  "It was deep," said Berry, "calling to deep. By the way, you'll all bepleased to hear that I have received peremptory instructions 'within oneweek to abolish the existing number by which this house isdistinguished, and to mark or affix on some conspicuous part thereof anew number, and to renew the same as often as it is obliterated ordefaced.' Selah."

  "Whatever," said Daphne, "do you mean?"

  "Sorry," said Berry. "Let me put it another way. Some genii,masquerading as officials, have got a move on. Snuffing the air of'Reconstruction,' they have realized with a shock that the numbers ofthe houses in this street have not been changed for over half a century.Thirstily they have determined to repair the omission. We've always been'38.' In a few days, with apologies to Wordsworth, we shall be '7.' Asolemn thought."

  "But can we do nothing?"

  "Certainly. In that case somebody else will obliterate the existingnumber, and I shall be summoned to appear before a Justice of thePeace."

  "It's outrageous," said Daphne. "It'll cause endless confusion, andthink of all our notepaper and cards. All the dies will have to bescrapped and new ones cut."

  "Go easy," said I. "After a decent interval they'll alter the name ofthe street. Many people feel that The Quadrant should be renamed 'TheSalient,' and Piccadilly 'High Street.' I'm all for Progress."

  "Is this renumbering stunt a fact?" said Jonah. "Or are you Just beingfunny?"

  "It's a poisonous but copper-bottomed fact," said Berry. "This is thesort of thing we pay rates and taxes for. Give me Germany."

  "Can't we refuse?"

  "I've rung up Merry and Merry, and they've looked up the law, and saythere's no appeal. We are at the mercy of some official who came out topin algebra in '64 and has never recovered. Let us be thankful it wasn'tgeography. Otherwise we should be required to name this house 'Sea View'or 'Clovelly.' Permit me to remark that the port has now remainedopposite you for exactly four minutes of time, for three of which mygoblet has been empty."

  "I think it's cruel," said Jill, passing on the decanter. "I think----"

  "Hush," said Berry. "That wonderful organ, my brain, is working."Rapidly he began to write upon the back of a _menu_. "We must inform theworld through the medium of the Press. An attractive paragraph mustappear in _The Times_. What could be more appropriate than an epitaph?Ply me with wine, child. The sage is in labour with a song." Jill filledhis glass and he drank. "Another instant, and you shall hear thedeathless words. I always felt I should be buried in the Abbey. Anybodygive me a rhyme for 'bilge'? No, it doesn't matter. I have ingeniouslycircumvented the crisis."

  He added one line, held the card at arm's length, regarded it as apainter a canvas, sighed, and began to read.

  _A painful tale I must relate.We used to live at thirty-eight,But as we hope to go to heaven,We've come to live at number seven.Now, if we'd lived at number nine,I'd got a simply priceless line--I didn't want to drag
in heaven,But nothing else will rhyme with seven._

  "Soldier, mountebank, and rhymester too!" said Jonah. "And yet webreathe the same air."

  "I admit it's strange," said my brother-in-law. "But it was foretold bymy predecessor. I think you'll find the prophecy in _Henry the Fifth_.'And wholesome berries thrive and ripen best, Neighboured by fruit ofbaser quality.' My game, I think. What?"

  * * * * *

  As was fitting, St. George's Day dawned fair and cloudless. Herpassionate weeping of the day before dismissed, April was smiling--shylyat first, as if uncertain that her recent waywardness had been forgiven,and by and by so bravely that all the sweet o' the year rose up out ofthe snowy orchards, dewy and odorous, danced in the gleaming meadows andhung, glowing and breathless, in every swaying nursery that Spring hadonce more built upon the patient trees.

  The Rolls sailed through the country, proudly indifferent to hill ordale, melting the leagues to miles with such swift deadliness as madeyou sorry for the lean old road that once had been so much to reckonwith.

  I was on the point of communicating this Quixotic reflection to AgathaDeriot, who was seated in front between Jill and myself, when there fellupon my reluctant ears that heavy sigh which only an expiring tire canheave. As I slowed up, it occurred to me that the puissance of the roadsof England was still considerable.

  "Which is it?" said Agatha.

  "Off hind, I fancy." We were in the midst of a pleasant beechwood, and Ipulled in to the side of the road with a grunt. "If it had to be, itmight have happened in a less pleasing locality."

  "I gather," said Berry's voice, "I gather that something untoward hasbefallen the automobile. Should I be wrong, correct me and explain thestoppage."

  "With that singular clarity of intellect which never fails to recognizethe obvious, you have correctly diagnosed the case. We have picked up apuncture."

  "Speak for yourself," said Berry. "I always let them lie. I did gather abunch of bursts once, but----"

  "Sorry," said I. "I forgot how near we were to Oxford. What I meant wasthat some hostile body of a sharp nature had penetrated a tire, thusuntimely releasing the air hitherto therein confined."

  "Thank you," said Berry. "Experience leads me to anticipate a slightdelay, the while you effect the necessary repairs. I shall thereforecompose myself to slumber and meditation. Possibly I shall toy with acigarette. Possibly----"

  "Your programme will, I fear, miscarry for more than one reason. In thefirst place, you're sitting on the jack. In the second place, clumsyfool though you are, Jonah can change the wheel quicker if you helphim." With that I climbed out of the driver's seat, and lighted acigarette. "Who," I added, "will come for a little walk?"

  "I'm coming," said Daphne, setting aside the rug and rising from herseat between Jonah and her husband.

  "I forbid you," said the latter, "to consort with that blasphemousviper."

  My sister leaned down and kissed him.

  "A little gentle exercise," she said, "will do you good. I expect it'llmake you hot, so take your coat off. Then you'll have something to puton again."

  Coldly Berry regarded her.

  "How long," he said, "did it take you to work that out?"

  As we strolled down the sun-flecked road in the wake of Miss Deriot andJill, I turned and looked back at the car. Something was squatting onthe tarmac close to the petrol tank. The fact that Jonah was unstrappinga spare wheel suggested that my brother-in-law was taking exercise....

  My sister slid an arm through mine, and we walked idly on. The roadcurled out of the wood into the unchecked sunlight, rising to where itsflashing hedgerows fell back ten paces each, leaving a fair green rideon either side of the highway. Here jacketed elms made up a statelycolonnade, ready to nod their gay green crests at each stray zephyr'stouch, and throwing broad equidistant bars of shadow across the freshturf and the still moist ribbon of metalling beyond. Two piles of stoneslay heaped upon the sward, and, as we drew near, we heard the busy chinkof a stone-breaker's hammer, a melodious sound that fitted both morningand venue to perfection. Again I fell to thinking on the old coachroad....

  The stone-breaker was an old, old man, but the tone in which he gave us"Good day" was blithe and good to hear, while he looked as fit as afiddle.

  "You work very fast," said I, as he reached for a mammoth flint.

  "Aye," he said. "But it come easy, sir, after so many year."

  "Have you always done this?" said Daphne.

  The old fellow plucked the gauze from his brow and touched his batteredhat.

  "Naught else, m'm. Nine-and-seventy year come Michaelmas I've kep' theOxford road. An' me father before me."

  "That's a wonderful record," said I amazedly. "And you carry your yearswell."

  "Thank you, sir. There's a many as tells me that. I'll be ninety-one inthe month o' June. An' can't write me own name, sir."

  "That's no shame," said I. "Tell me, you must remember the coaches."

  "That do I. They was took off my road just afore I started breakin'meself, but long afore that I used to bring me father 'is dinner, an' Iremember them well. Many a time I've watched the 'Tantivy' go by, an'Muster Cracknell drivin'. Always nodded to father, 'e did, an' passedthe time o' day. An' father, 'e'd wave 'is 'ammer, an' call me an' tellme 'is name, an' what a fine coachman 'e were. 'Twas a Birmin'ham coach,the 'Tantivy,' but Muster Cracknell used to 'and over at Oxford. Londonto Oxford was 'is stretch, sir. An' back."

  "Isn't that wonderful?" said Daphne.

  Agatha and Jill, who had joined us, agreed in awestruck whispers.

  The old fellow laughed.

  "I've seen the coaches, m'm, and I've seen the motors, an' they can'tneither of them do without the road, m'm. As it was in the beginnin', soever it shall be. Soon I'll pass, but the road'll go on, an' others'llbreak for 'er. For she must needs be patched, you know, m'm, she mustneeds be patched...."

  We gave him money, and he rose and uncovered and pulled his whiteforelock with the antique courtesy of his class. As we turned away, Ipinched Daphne's arm.

  "I'll bet no man's ever done that to you before."

  She shook her head, smiling.

  "I don't think so. It was very nice of him."

  "What would you call him?" said Jill. "A stone-breaker?"

  I raised my eyebrows.

  "I suppose so. Or roadman."

  "I know," said Agatha softly. "He's a Gentleman of the Road."

  "Good for you," said I. "The title never became a highwayman one half sowell."

  As I spoke, the Rolls stole up alongside. We climbed in, Jill and Isitting behind for a change. With a foot on the step, Daphne looked ather husband.

  "Did you get very hot?" she said.

  "I did," said Berry. "Every pore in my body has been in action. I alwaysthink it's so nice to start a day like that."

  "How would you like to break stones," said I, "for seventy-nine years?"

  Jonah let in the clutch.

  "I perceive," said Berry, "that you are under the influence of drink. Atthe present moment I am more interested in the breaking of backs. Haveyou ever jacked up a car?"

  "Often. You must stoop to conquer."

  "Stoop? You must have a comic spine. My trunk kept getting in the way.And my nether limbs were superfluous. To do it properly you should besevered below the armpits."

  "The correct way," said I, "is to face the jack, and then bend backwardstill you face it again. Then it's simplicity itself. You work, as itwere, between your own legs."

  My brother-in-law sighed.

  "I used to do my boots up like that, when an agent in Germany. In thatway no one could assault me from behind. Those detailed to stab me inthe back were nonplussed and in several cases shot for incompetence."

  A quarter of an hour later we slid over Magdalen Bridge.

  * * * * *

  The venerable city was unchanged. That same peculiar dignity, which noimpertinence can scathe, that same abi
ding peace, the handiwork oflabouring centuries, that immemorial youth, which drains the cups ofTime and pays no reckoning--three wonders of the world, rose up to meetus visitors.

  Oxford has but two moods.

  This day she was _allegro_. The Sunshine Holyday of Spring had won herfrom her other soberer state, and Mirth was in all her ways. Her busystreets were bright, her blistered walls glowed and gave back the warmthvouchsafed them, her spires and towers were glancing, vivid against theblue: the unexpected green, that sprawled ragged upon scaly parapets,thrust boldly out between the reverend mansions and smothered up thesongs of architects, trembled to meet its patron: the blowing meadowsbeamed, gates lifted up their heads, retired quadrangles smiled in theirsleep, the very streams were lazy, and gardens, walks, spaces andalleyed lanes were all betimes a-Maying.

  Perhaps because it was St. George's Day, ghosts that the grey old stonescan conjure up, at Fancy's whim came thronging. The state of Kings rodeby familiar, shrewd virgin Majesty swayed in a litter down the roaringstreets, and the unruly pomp of a proud cardinal wended its scarlet waypast kneeling citizens. Cavaliers ruffled it in the chequered walks,prelates and sages loaded the patient air with discourse, and phantomtuck of drum ushered a praise-God soldiery to emptied bursaries. Withmeasured tread statesmen and scholars paced sober up and down the flags,absorbed in argument, poets roamed absent by, and Law and bustlingPhysic, learned and gowned and big with dignity, swept in and out thegates of colleges whose very fame, that spurred their young intent, theylived to magnify.

  After a random drive about the city, in the course of which we visitedSt. John's and Magdalen, we put the car in a garage and repaired to _TheMitre_ for lunch.

  Such other spectacles as we proposed to view lay more or less closetogether, and could be inspected more conveniently without the car,which claimed the constant vigilance of one of us just at the very timeswe least could spare it.

  Fortified by the deference shown him by his scout, whom we hadencountered while visiting his old rooms overlooking the Deer Park, mybrother-in-law had in some measure succeeded--so far as Jill and Agathawere concerned--in investing his sojourn at Magdalen with an ill-meriteddignity; and Daphne, Jonah and I were quite justifiably delighted when aprosperous-looking individual, with a slip in his waistcoat and adiamond ring, left his table and laid a fat hand familiarly upon Berry'sshoulder.

  "Hullo, Pleydell, old man. How's things? Don't remember me, I suppose.Lewis." He mentioned the name of the minor college he had once adorned."You were at Magdalen, weren't you?"

  Taken completely by surprise, Berry hesitated before replying in a tonewhich would have chilled a glacier.

  "Er--yes. I'm afraid my memory's not as good as yours. You must excuseme."

  "That's all right," said the other, with a fat laugh. "I was one of thequiet little mice," he added archly, "and you were always such a gaydog." To our indescribable delectation he actually thrust a stubbyforefinger into his victim's ribs.

  "Er--yes," said Berry, moving his chair as far from his tormentor asspace would permit. "I suppose you were. One of the mice, I think yousaid. You know, I still don't seem to remember your face or name. You'requite sure...."

  "Anno Domini," was the cheerful reply. "We're both older, eh? Don't youremember the night we all----But p'r'aps I oughtn't to tell tales out ofschool, ought I, old bean?" Again the forefinger was employed, and itsowner looked round expectantly. Beads of perspiration became visibleupon Berry's forehead, and Jonah and I burst into a roar of laughter.

  Greatly encouraged by our mirth, Mr. Lewis beamed with geniality, and,slapping Berry upon the back with the diamond ring, commended the goodold times, observed that the undergraduates of to-day were of a verydifferent class to "me and you," and added that England was in such arotten state that, if the Coal Controller had not personally begged himto "carry on," he would have "up stick and cleared out to Australia longago."

  At his concluding words Daphne sat up as if she had been shot. Then,administering to me a kick, which she afterwards explained had beenintended for Berry, she smiled very charmingly.

  "I suppose you're just up for the day, Mr. Lewis. As we are," sheinquired.

  With an elaborate bow Mr. Lewis agreed, and in a moment the two werecarrying on an absurd conversation, to which Jonah and I contributed bylaughing unfeignedly whenever a remark justified an expression of mirth.Jill and Agatha were on the edge of hysteria, and Berry sat sunk in acondition of profound gloom, from which he occasionally emerged to fixone or other of us with a stare of such malevolence as only served tothrow us into a fresh paroxysm of laughter.

  Had Mr. Lewis for one moment appreciated the true cause of ouramusement, he would have been a broken man. Happily his self-confidencewas sublime, and, when Daphne finally bowed and remarked with a dazzlingsmile that no doubt he and her husband would like to have a little chatafter luncheon, he retired in a perfect ecstasy of gratification.

  When he was out of earshot--

  "Why not ask him to come and live with us?" said Berry. "He could go tothe Loganberrys' ball on Tuesday, and Jonah and I can put him up for theClub. He might even stay for Ascot."

  "I think he's a topper," said I.

  "Old college pal, I suppose," said Jonah. "Let's call the Stilton afterhim."

  "Listen," said Daphne. "Didn't you hear him say he was something to dowith coal? Well, the moment he said it, I thought of what I've beentrying to remember ever since yesterday morning. We've got threehundredweight left, and we've had more than our ration already. Forgoodness' sake, get him to do something for us."

  "You wicked woman," said Berry. "You wicked, deceitful woman."

  "Nonsense," said Daphne. "It's just a stroke of luck. Of course, hemayn't be able to help, but it's worth trying. If you want to do withouta hot bath--let alone fires--for the next three months, I don't."

  "And I am to be the cat's-paw?" said Berry. "I'm to have the felicity ofhobnobbing with that poisonous bounder----"

  "You've done it before," said I. "He remembers it perfectly."

  "Vermin," said Berry, "you lie. My association with that little pet wasconfined to the two solitary occasions upon which I was so misguided asto be the guest of a club of which he was not a member, but which was,nevertheless, an institution of the college which he adorned. Afterdinner it was customary to pay a short but eventful visit to the roomsof the most unpopular man in college. On each occasion Mr. Lewis's roomswere unanimously selected."

  "Nemesis," said I. "He's getting his own back."

  "I rejoice to think," said my brother-in-law, "that it was I whoconceived the idea of secreting Chinese figs in every pair of his bootsand shoes that could be found. If I remember, we used the best part oftwo boxes."

  "I depend upon you," said Daphne. "Be civil to him for five minutes, andwe'll--we'll wait for you between St. Mary's and The Radcliffe."

  "But how nice of you! I should hate to suggest that you were not takingany risks. Of course, a punt moored in midstream would be safer."

  "He might be worse," said I. "I admit I could spare the diamond, but atleast he's not wearing a cummerbund and sand shoes."

  "Hush," said Jonah. "He's keeping them for Henley. You won't catch himout on dress. Ah me," he added with a sigh, "I love to see old chumsmeet again, don't you?"

  "There's nothing so touching," said I, "as a reunion of souls. To revivethe memory of boyhood's intimacy, of joys and troubles shared, of visitsto the tuck-shop.... If the truth were known, I expect they were alwaystogether, sort of inseparable, you know."

  "No doubt. Naturally, Berry's a bit shy at first, but that's often theway. Before the afternoon's out, he'll be calling him 'Erb' again, andthey'll have changed hats."

  "This," said Berry, "is intolerable. A little more and I shall burstinto large pear-shaped tears. Let's pay the bill, will you?" He rose tohis feet. "And now I'm going to remember more things in five minutesthan Mr. Lewis has forgotten in thirteen years. Will two tons beenough?"

  "Make it three," said Daphn
e.

  "And we are to reassemble between St. Mary's and The Radcliffe. Or wasit between The Radcliffe and St. Mary's?"

  "We shall wait five minutes and no more," said I. "That gives you oneminute forty seconds a ton, or five seconds a hundredweight. Keep thehome fires burning."

  "Mathematician and imitation humorist," said Berry. "Isn't it wonderful?Don't forget to let me know what the bill comes to. Just as a matter ofinterest."

  He sauntered in the direction of Mr. Lewis, who was watching him withthe air of a terrier that hopes to be taken out for a walk....

  I called for the bill, and five minutes later the rest of us werestrolling across the cobbles under the shadow of The Radcliffe Camera.

  "As soon as he comes," said Jonah, "we'll go to New College. We can sitin the gardens there for a bit and suck soda-mints. When the process ofdigestion is completed, we can see the chapel and hall, and then one ofus can borrow a gown, and we'll look in at The Bodleian."

  The project seemed admirable, but, as has been frequently remarked, Manbut proposes.

  More than four minutes had elapsed, and we were casually saunteringtowards The High, to see if Berry was in sight, when the latter swunground the corner of Brasenose with Mr. Lewis stepping joyously by hisside.

  Instead of his grey Homburg, my brother-in-law was wearing a softclerical hat which was too small for him. The ludicrous effect createdby this substitution of headgear can be more easily imagined thandescribed.

  For a moment we wavered. Then Jill gave a shriek of laughter, and webroke and scattered something after the manner of a mountedreconnoitring patrol that has unexpectedly "bumped into" a battalion ofthe enemy. Our retreat, however, was not exactly precipitate, and weendeavoured to invest it with a semblance of hypocrisy not usuallythought necessary in warfare; but it was in no sense dignified, and onlya child, too young to differentiate between right and wrong, could havefailed to recognize the true motive which prompted our withdrawal.

  Seizing Agatha by the arm I turned left about, pointed vehemently to thedome of the Camera, and hurried her in the direction of the gate whichadmitted to that institution. Simultaneously Jonah wheeled right aboutand, apparently imparting information of a startling characterconcerning the east front of Brasenose to his sister and cousin, beganto hustle them towards the entrance. To Berry's repeated nominalexhortations we paid not the slightest attention. Coal or no coal, thecombination of Mr. Lewis and my brother-in-law--the latter in a moodwhich the assumption of so ridiculous a garb made it impossible tomistake--was too awful to contemplate. There are things which are worsethan a cold bath.

  I did not stop until we were safely on the leads of the Camera.Considerably out of breath, we leaned cautiously upon the balustrade, ifpossible from our eminence to observe the manoeuvres of our terror. Lookwhere we would, there was no one to be seen.

  "The brute must have followed the others into B.N.C.," I panted. "I'dlove to see them come out."

  "I think he's a scream," said Agatha. "If he could only see himself inthat hat...."

  She dissolved into peals of laughter.

  "I agree. But I'd rather watch from the stalls than assist him in one ofhis turns."

  "Stalls? This is more like the gallery."

  "True. But remember. 'Who sups with the devil should hold a long spoon.'All the same, if you can bear another proverb, 'It's an ill wind,' etc.If I hadn't been hard up for a refuge, I should never have thought ofbringing you up here, and for any one to get an idea of Oxford it's asgood a place as I know."

  Miss Deriot gazed at the magnificent prospect before replying.

  "It ought to make me feel very small," she said suddenly, "but somehowit doesn't. It's so terribly old and all that, but it's got such a kindlook."

  "That," said I, "is the quality of Oxford. And I congratulate you. Youare articulate where wise men have stood dumb. Perhaps it's becauseyou're so much alike."

  "Who."

  "You and Oxford."

  "Am I so terribly old?"

  I shook my head.

  "But you're beautifully built, and you've got a kind look and handsomeways, and your temples are a dream, and all our swains commend you,and----"

  "Stop, stop. You're getting mixed."

  "Not at all. My intellect was never less clouded. In spite of twoglasses of ginger beer, my hand is like a spade--I mean a rock. Insert afly in your eye, and I will remove it unhesitatingly."

  "I'll take your word for it," said Agatha.

  "One of these days I shall compare you to a burst of melody. At thepresent moment I am between your dimple and the deep sea."

  "The dimple you are," said Agatha, with a smile that promised laughterwith difficulty suppressed.

  Amusedly I regarded her.

  She was very tastefully dressed. A blue silk coat and a white lacedblouse beneath it, a pale grey skirt of some soft stuff, grey silkstockings and small grey shoes--these with a hat of crocheted silk thatmatched her jersey--suited her pretty figure and the April day to rareperfection.

  Leaning easily against the worn masonry of the balustrade, slight, litheand graceful, she was the embodiment of vitality in repose. She stood sostill, but there was a light shining in the brown eyes, that were castdown and over the parapet, keeping a careful watch for any indication ofBerry's activity, a tell-tale quiver of the sensitive nostrils, aneagerness hanging on the parted lips, which, with her flushed cheeks,lent to a striking face an air of freshness and a keen _joie de vivre_that was exhilarating beyond description.

  "I wonder what's happening," said Agatha, nodding down at the gateway."Can they get out another way?"

  "I'm not sure. There is another gate, but----"

  "At last," said a familiar voice. "I wouldn't have missed those stairsfor anything. Think of the fools who've trodden them before." The nextmoment Berry, followed by Mr. Lewis, made his appearance. "Why, here areour little playmates." He advanced beaming. "Don't be shy any longer.And what a storied retreat you have selected!" He indicated the buildingwith a sweep of his arm. "You know, originally this was a helter-skelterlighthouse, but Henry the Eighth lost his mat half-way down the chute,and had it closed down in revenge. There was a great deal of feelingabout it. Especially on the part of the King. He hunted from a litterfor months."

  I addressed myself to Miss Deriot.

  "Wonderfully well-informed, isn't he? Scratch the buffoon and you getthe charlatan."

  Berry turned to Mr. Lewis.

  "Much of my crowded life," he said, "has been devoted to research. I am,as it were, a crystal fount of knowledge. I beg that you will bathe inme."

  Not knowing exactly what reply to make to this offer, Mr. Lewis laughedheartily, while Agatha, overcome with emotion, hurriedly turned away andstared over the roofs of Oxford, shaking with long spasms of laughter.

  Stifling a desire to join her, I crossed to Mr. Lewis and engaged him inreasonable conversation, while Berry seized the opportunity ofindicating to Agatha the main points of the city, accompanying hisgesticulations with a series of inaudible remarks, which, to judge fromtheir reception, concerned Mr. Lewis more nearly than Oxford, and wereof a grotesque character. I was just leading up to the question of fuel,when a cry from my brother-in-law interrupted me.

  "My hag," he announced, "is below. With a notorious winebibber. Whereare the women police?"

  The next moment he had slid an arm through Agatha's and had begun todescend. I followed with Mr. Lewis....

  I pass over the meeting in the street below, which I was just in time towitness. Berry's swoop was so sudden that his prey appeared to realizethat the game was up, and made no attempt to fly. It was almost piteous.An apprehension of certain embarrassment to come extinguished theinstant impulse to shriek with laughter which was written plain upontheir faces, and my sister gave one wild glance about her before turningto face the delinquent.

  As I came up she addressed him.

  "Berry, I appeal to you to take off that hat."

  "My tongue," was the reply, "I mean my ha
nds, are clean. Bereft of myown headgear, I had no choice. Some absent-minded priest is nowscandalizing his parishioners by parading in a pearl-grey Homburg whichis four sizes too big for him, while I--would you have me go naked inthe streets?"

  Here the Vice-Chancellor passed, preceded by his Bedels with stavesreversed, and Berry uncovered and fell upon his knees. Surprised by theunwonted attention, the dignitary raised his mortar-board and bowed.

  "Let's go and touch him," said Berry excitedly. "Then we shan't get theKing's Evil. That's the origin of inoculation."

  "I implore you," said Daphne, "to behave yourself. As a personalfavour----"

  "You see in me," said her husband, "a huntleyed palmer seeking the tombof Anne of Cloves. On finding it, I must scourge myself. Anyone whodirects me to it will be assaulted."

  "She's buried at Oranges," said Jonah. "But don't let that stop you."

  Berry replaced his wideawake and stared at him.

  "To mock me," he said, "is most dangerous. Several people have beentransformed for such an offence. Only yesterday I was compelled tochange a taxi-driver into a Gorgonzola of military age."

  Several clocks struck the half-hour. Half-past two.

  "Look here," said I. "We want to go to New College and 'The House,' butwe can't push off if you're going to come with us looking like that. ForHeaven's sake, go back to _The Mitre_ and get your own hat. Mr. Lewis,won't you go and fix him up?"

  Quick as a flash, Daphne threw her weight into the scale which I hadslung.

  "Yes, do," she implored. "You know, you oughtn't to have let him comeout like that," she added, with a reproachful smile. "And then you canjoin us a New College."

  Our manoeuvre was successful beyond all expectation. His vanityflattered, the gentleman addressed flung himself into the breach withevery manifestation of delight, and, seizing my brother-in-law by thearm, haled him gleefully in the direction of The High, humouring hisobvious reluctance with the familiar assurances which one usuallyassociates with the persuasion of the unsober.

  In silence we watched them till they had turned the corner. Then--

  "Did I say New College?" said Daphne hurriedly.

  "You did," said I. "So we'd better go straight to 'The House.'"

  Three minutes later we were exploring my old rooms in PeckwaterQuadrangle, Christ Church.

  * * * * *

  In spite of its inauspicious beginning, we spent an enjoyable afternoon.By common consent New College was ruled out of our itinerary, but Oxfordcannot be viewed in a day, and we found much to delight our senses southof the High Street. Finally, a languorous journey by punt from theBarges to Magdalen Bridge more than compensated us for the somnolenthalf-hour which we had been proposing to spend under the shadow of theCity Wall.

  Our return to _The Mitre_--a movement which was effected with greatcaution--was eagerly awaited by the hall-porter, who inquired anxiouslyregarding my brother-in-law, and produced his grey Homburg with a noteaddressed _To the Owner_ stuck in the hatband.

  "The gentleman as was of your party, sir, was inquirin' about 'is 'at anhour or two back, sir. 'E 'adn't 'ardly gone, when a reverend gent comein, all of a state, with this 'at in 'is 'and. Seems he took it awayabsent-minded like, instead of 'is own, sir. Though 'ow 'e can 'ave madesuch a mistake I can't think, 'is bein' a Church 'at as plain as plain.But they're like that up 'ere, sir, some o' them."

  We stared at one another, frankly astonished to learn that Berry'sfantastic explanation was founded strictly upon fact.

  "Did the clergyman get his own back?" said I.

  "Yes, sir. 'Ere it was in the 'all."

  Apparently neither the porter nor the divine had any idea of the abuseto which the latter's wideawake had been put.

  "Oh, well, our friend'll be in presently," said Jonah, taking theHomburg. "When he comes, tell him we've got his hat and are having tea."

  "Very good, sir. You see there's a note there, sir? The reverend wroteit 'ere. I think 'e was 'opin' to ave seen your gentleman and told 'im'ow sorry 'e was, but when 'e 'card 'e was out, 'e sits down an' writes'im a letter. 'E was in a state."

  "Poor man," said Daphne, following after Jonah. "After all, there's noharm done."

  "It was a near thing," said I. "But for my brain-wave----"

  "Nonsense," said Daphne, "I got him away."

  "To be candid," said Jonah, "if anybody's to get a mention, I'm inclinedto think it should be Mr. Lewis."

  While we were waiting for tea, I read the letter aloud.

  _SIR,_

  _I can never adequately express my regret for the distressing, ifmomentary, aberration unhappily responsible for my appropriation of ahat which in no way resembles my own._

  _I dare entertain no hope that inconvenience has not resulted to you,but I beg that you will accept, first, my fervid assurance that it wasnot of industry, but of case that I offended, and, secondly, my mosthumble apologies for the commission of so unfriendly a gest._

  _I am, Sir,_

  _Your obedient Servant,_

  _LUKE ST J. BILDEW, B.D._

  When I had finished--

  "I don't understand half of it," said Jill.

  "I confess it needs annotating, but it's worth keeping, for it's thereal thing, my dear--a human document. You see, Oxford is the mostwonderful backwater in the world, but--it's a backwater."

  "And if you stay in it always," said Agatha, "and never come out intothe stream----"

  "You are liable to take the wrong hat and to write letters that would bethe better for footnotes."

  Berry arrived with the tea.

  In silence he received his own hat, compared it with one which he hadjust purchased, and then handed the latter to the waiter. In silence heread Mr. Bildew's note. In silence he selected a piece of bread andbutter and sank into a chair.

  "I can't bear it," said Daphne. "Where's Mr. Lewis?"

  "Happily he decided to catch a train twenty minutes ago. Otherwise itwould have been murder. I should have pleaded guilty to manslaughter,committed under extreme provocation. That man oughtn't to be allowed. Isuppose you forgot to go to New College. Yes, just so."

  "And the coal?" said I. "Have you fixed that up?"

  "Three tons of the best nuts are to be delivered _sub rosa_ between twoand three to-morrow afternoon. Nothing is to be said, nothing signed.Nobody is to know anything about it. The carter will simply take up theplate, shoot the stuff in, and push off. As I happened to have sixpounds ten shillings upon me, the transaction will not be recorded."With a depreciatory hand he waved aside the involuntary buzz of gratefuladmiration. "I am not long for this world. I am, as it were, ear-markedfor a more worthy sphere. My translation may occur any moment. I shouldlike Lewis to have some trifle in memory of me. A personal effect, Imean. I've got a gun-metal sovereign-case somewhere. But anything usefulwill do."

  * * * * *

  We made a point of being in upon the following afternoon. It was notoften that we all sat down to lunch together, but the satisfaction ofwitnessing the delivery of three precious tons of coal in the teeth ofthe authorities was more than we could forego. The butler was admittedto our confidence, and instructed to stifle any attempt to allaycuriosity, by interpretation of the carman, that might originate in theservants' hall, and immediately after luncheon, which finished at threeminutes to two, an O.P. was established by the side of one of thedining-room windows, in which Jill was posted with orders to advise usdirectly the convoy appeared.

  In the library we spent a restless time. Berry, usually somnolent atthis hour, sat upon the club kerb and toyed with _The Times_. Jonahfidgeted with a refractory pipe. Daphne glanced from the clock to hernovel and the novel to the clock at intervals of fifteen seconds, and Iwrote four letters to the War Office about my gratuity, and veryproperly destroyed them as incoherent one after another.

  At a quarter past two, by common consent, I visited Jill to see if shewas asleep.... When I made my report we reminded one another that M
r.Lewis had said between two and three, and agreed that it was early asyet.

  At half-past two Daphne left the room and did not return.

  At twenty minutes to three I made no attempt to disguise my uneasiness,and joined my cousin and sister in the dining-room.

  Ten minutes later Jonah and Berry came in.

  After a hurried consultation it was decided that, if the coal had notarrived in ten minutes' time, Berry should telephone to Mr. Lewisforthwith. Almost immediately it was found that nobody knew the man'snumber, initials, or address, and reference to the Directory showed thatthere were four columns of subscribers all bearing his name.

  At five minutes past three the strain was telling, and every one'stemper began more or less to show signs of wear and tear.

  "Are you sure," said Daphne for the fourth time, "that it was to comebetween two and three?"

  "No," said her husband. "That's why I've been waiting."

  "Fool," said his wife.

  Berry sighed.

  "Some people are very hard to please. If I were you, I should take acourse of ventriloquism. Then you can ask yourself questions and giveyourself any perishing answers you like. At times you might even revileyourself."

  Five minutes later Jonah announced that he was going to Ranelagh, andinquired whether any one wanted a round of golf. Berry accepted theinvitation, and they left together.

  The arrival of Fitch with the car at half-past three reminded my sisterthat she was going to call upon some one in Regent's Park, and shewithdrew in a state of profound depression.

  Jill, who was on the very brink of tears, refused to leave her postuntil a quarter to four, and, when that hour arrived, slow-treading butcoalless, it was only my promise to take her to see Charlie Chaplinforthwith that could coax the ghost of a smile to play about her lips.

  As I closed the front-door behind us, a neighbouring clock struck four.

  Moodily we walked down the street, talking of cinemas and thinking ofcoal. Had our thoughts been otherwise employed, the condition of thepavement outside a house about a hundred and twenty yards down on theopposite side would have recalled them pellmell to our disappointment.It was obvious that a considerable quantity of coal had been recentlydelivered to a more fortunate _menage_. Idly I looked at the number ofthe house. _From either pillar of the porch a freshly painted "38"grinned at me._ For a moment I stared at them blankly. Then Jill gave achoking cry and caught at my arm....

  I realized with a shock that, while Mr. Lewis had been as good as hisword, my brother-in-law's recollection of our change of address was lessdependable.