Paradox (Pearson Sisters Series Book 1)

by C. A. Harms

  Do I want a guy like that?

  Does it matter how good looking he is or how he makes me feel when he is undistracted and acting as though I am all that matters?

  No, I want a guy who can trust me, a guy who leans on me and in turn allows me to do the same. I am worth that. I am worth so much more.

  Bear lets out a deep growl, lying on the floor in the hallway just outside my bedroom, staring ahead at the front door. I hold my breath waiting, wondering what he hears that I don’t. Then there is a light tap, a knock, then silence.

  Again Bear growls, only louder this time. He lifts his head from the floor, his eyes alert as he focuses ahead.

  Then another knock, only this time it’s louder. I don’t move. I don’t have to, because I already know who it is. I also know that the time for explaining was before he left. He comes to me now after he has gone to another woman. I don’t even know what this woman is to him, but it still hurts. She could be anyone, but the fact of the matter is she is another woman and he felt there was no reason to offer me even the slightest explanation.

  A few minutes of silence settles, then my body jerks in surprise when I hear the light tapping on my window. This action sets Bear into high alert, and he begins to bark, followed by the growl I know as his pissed-off one.

  “Janelle, I know you’re in there.” Shane talks to me through the window, and I curl my body away as Bear continues on his growling spree. “Let me in.”

  Was he fucking kidding me right now?

  He ran out of here earlier like I’d lit his ass on fire, and now he shows back up after hours, expecting me to let him in and pick back up where we left off. I am his booty call; that’s what I have become.

  “Please, will you just open the damn door?”

  Feeling anger rise within me, I sit up and kick off my blankets, walking out of my room and toward the back door instead. I yank open the door, shut it behind me to keep Bear from coming outside, and step out onto the porch. Just as I round the corner, I catch the back of Shane as he jumps the fence at the side between our houses.

  “What are you doing here?”

  His body freezes mid-stride, and he swivels around to face me. The second he takes a step and grabs on to the fence like he is about to jump over it again, I stop him. “No,” I hold up my hand, “don’t.”

  “Listen—” Another brush off, an it’s not what you think, or whatever excuse he has now. I don’t want to hear it. I can’t, not anymore.

  “What are we doing?”

  “What?” The space around his eyes wrinkles in confusion, and a frown covers his lips.

  “You and me, what is this?” He says nothing in return to my question, but his frown deepens as he stares at me. “Exactly, even you have no clue.”

  “Janelle…” He leans against the wall and reaches out for me, only I don’t allow him to make contact.

  “What I do know is that this feeling I have,” lifting my hand, I rest my palm over my heart, “the feeling of being used, being your ‘go to’ whenever things get bad for you, is not a good feeling for me. It makes me feel dirty, like I’m some kind of secret, and I hate it.”

  “That’s not what this is.”

  “It’s exactly what it is,” I take in a deep calming breath as my chest begins to feel tight, “whether you want to admit it or not. I’m your escape, a way to pretend that the troubles in your life don’t exist. And that would be okay if you let me into the rest of your life too, but you don’t. I’m not okay with this. I can’t do this.” I motion between the two of us. “I just can’t, Shane.”

  He stares at me, saying nothing in return as I begin to back away.

  I round the corner and place my hand on the handle to the sliding door, pulling it open and quickly stepping inside. When I close the door, I flip off the light, and instead of going to my bedroom, I slide down the wall and sit on the floor. Bear steps up to my side, sits beside me, and then slowly lowers his body to the floor. Laying his head in my lap, he lets out a huff.

  I know what I did was the right thing to do, but I feel like hell for admitting it to myself. It has only been seconds and already I want to run after him and tell him I was wrong.

  Only I’m not.

  ***

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “What the hell do you mean, you don’t want to talk about it?” Janie screeches, and I have to pull the phone away from my ear to save my eardrums from exploding. “You two cannot go from fawning all over one another to not speaking.”

  “We were not fawning all over one another.”

  She does that weird little sarcastic low chuckle of hers, and I can almost picture in my mind her rolling her eyes at me. “He scaled a fence, walked up behind you, kissed you in front of all of us, and then after he played in the pool with our niece, he picked you up and carried you away. Let me just add that the entire time his eyes were glued to you like he was afraid to look away and miss something. That man is hooked, Janelle, and now you are telling me that things are done before they ever truly got the chance to start. I may be blonde, but I can assure you I am not gullible. So spill it.”

  “I have to go. I’m late for work.” I have plenty of time, but I definitely do not want to spend it talking over my troubles with my sister. Troubles that I am still unsure of how to handle myself.

  I decide instead of hanging out at home feeling sorry for myself, I will leave a little early and stop by to pick up a cup of my favorite coffee. A little extra pick me up is exactly what I need.

  I gather my things and decide that today will be a great day. After all, I will be spending it doing something that makes me feel amazing. That is until I step outside.

  I stall, considering turning around and going back inside when I see Shane and Slate standing near his truck in the center of his driveway.

  The idea that I may be able to sneak to my Jeep and get inside without them noticing is short-lived when the screen door behind me slams shut and they both stop talking to look in my direction.

  I know my face has to be five shades of red, because I feel like it is on fire.

  Deep breath in and release as I force my feet to move. Step for step, Shane matches my own as he rounds the hood of his big truck and heads in my direction.

  “Can we talk?” Now is not the time to get all soft inside from the low growl of his voice, but damn, if the sexy tone doesn’t wrap around me like a warm blanket. “I don’t want things to end like they did last night.”

  “I think talking will only make things harder,” I refuse to look him in the eyes, “don’t you?”

  “No.” Against my better judgment, I lift my gaze to meet his, and those smoldering eyes melt me just a little. “What you said last night about you being my escape, it’s true.” My heart sinks. “But the way you’re looking at it is all wrong. Janelle, you are the first real thing I’ve had in my life in a long time. So if you really want to refer to yourself as an escape, then you should know that you are the good, and the rest, everything I am forced to face every single day, being with you for just one hour makes all of that easier to deal with. You are the one thing keeping me above water.” I feel so raw and torn. “I never meant to make you feel used or dirty. That was never my intention, and I’m so sorry for that. Please just know that all my time spent with you has been amazing.”

  When his hand makes contact with my waist, I shiver. A gentle kiss is pressed to my temple just before he releases his hold on me and turns to walk away.

  I remain frozen in place as I watch him climb up into the cab of his truck and Slate into the passenger seat. Together they back out and I am left feeling like there is a hole in my heart. I am even more confused than I was last night.

  Shane is a mystery. Everything about him is a paradox, a contradiction of who I first thought he was and who he has portrayed himself to be. A man of independence, one who prefers to be alone in the quietness of his home without any interruption. A guy who has this look about him that leads anyo
ne to believe he is nothing more than a selfish prick.

  Only none of that is him.

  Over the last few weeks, I have gotten to see a glimpse here and there of the man he keeps hidden inside. The guy who shows up with my favorite ice cream without me even having to ask him to. Or that same man who spends hours watching girly movies I know he hates just because he knows I love them. Or the same man who climbs a fence and settles into a tiny kiddie pool just so my niece doesn’t have to play in it alone. That is Shane, or at least the Shane he keeps hidden inside.

  He said he shouldn’t allow himself to want me.

  I have things going on in my life that I’m not sure you’ll understand. Things that keep me from being the man you’ll need me to be.

  He warned me, he told me I wouldn’t be able to handle it and I assured him I could, but here I am, doing exactly what he felt I would.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Shane

  “You wanna talk about what’s going on between you and Blondie?”

  I stare ahead at the road and ignore Slate’s prying. I know he’s trying to help, but at this point, nothing can. I’ve fucked up the one good thing I had going for me, and had I listened to myself in the beginning, I would have walked away. I would have kept myself from feeling anything for her, but now that shit is too late. It has not even been twenty-four hours and I feel her absence.

  “The interaction between you two looked pretty intense.”

  Silence settles in the cab of my truck, and I know Slate picks up on the fact that Janelle and I are currently off limits. I need to avoid that topic for now, hell, maybe even forever. He’s gone a few hours without bringing anything up, all throughout our workout, and even when we stopped for a quick bite after. I could sense him stirring, biding his time until he finally couldn’t hold out any longer.

  A change of subject is needed.

  “I know bringing me along today is a big thing, man, thanks.” It isn’t only big; it is huge, colossal. I have not brought anyone with me to see my mother since the first day I moved her into Evergreen. I’ve developed this protectiveness, one that makes me feel like if I keep her tucked away, no one will be able to harm her. My father has already done so much to both of us by simply walking away. My need to keep her sheltered is monumental, and the idea of anyone tampering with her secure place makes me insane.

  “I should have brought you a long time ago.” My confession is difficult but completely honest. Slate was like a second son to my mother. Prior to the accident, he was always around, practically a part of our everyday life. I know he loves my mother, and it is wrong of me to keep him away.

  We pull up in front of the nursing home, and I find the first available spot. The parking lot is a lot fuller than usual, and I wonder if I missed some family day announcement or a special event. My pulse quickens at the idea of my mother being alone while so many others have family and friends by their sides.

  “Is it always like this?” Slate looks around the same packed space as me.

  Opening the truck door, I climb out and in the process shake my head in response. “On holidays maybe. This is definitely not usual.”

  Slate follows close behind as I walk quickly toward the front door, my pulse racing and my stomach coiling into knots. Pushing through the front door, instantly I am met with a bustle of women, some young and older moving around the large entryway. Walking from one side to the other, they are pausing at a table that is covered in an assortment of pastries and what looks like coffee, water, and maybe a punch of some kind.

  I see Sandy enter the room and stop near another lady who looks somewhat familiar. When she scans the room, she finds me there and offers a little wave.

  “Nurse is cute.” Of course Slate notices Sandy noticing me. “You two friends?” The way he says friends insinuates he means much more, but again I ignore his attempt to get a rise out of me.

  Sandy mouths something to the woman standing near her just before walking in my direction. “What’s going on here today?”

  “Beauty day.” Crossing her arms over her chest, she cocks a brow. “You stopping by to have your nails painted?”

  “What in the hell is beauty day?” Slate is the one who asks the question I too was contemplating in my mind.

  “Lottie and her magnificent team.” Still I have no idea what the hell she is talking about. “It’s a local salon owned by Lottie Pearson, and they are amazing, kind-hearted, and talented.” I am immediately drawn in and captured by the name Pearson. “Each month she and the ladies she has working for her choose one location to offer a day of free services. They show up early, each taking someone and giving them the works. Hair, makeup, nails, and even pedicures…spoiling, if you will.”

  My gaze begins to scan the area, my stomach growing tighter and tighter with each passing second. I don’t see the familiar blonde, and part of me feels relieved that maybe, just maybe, the name Pearson was more common than her small little circle.

  That is until I see an older woman enter with Martha at her side, and the tightness in my stomach drops and my knees feel slightly weak.

  The woman may not be Janelle, but the resemblance is like a slap to the face. The blonde hair, the smile, hell even the contour of her neck leading to her jaw, it is all the same.

  “You look like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” Sandy can be heard, but frankly I see right past her. “Are you okay?”

  I don’t answer her. I only start walking toward the hallway that leads to my mother’s room with Slate and Sandy hot on my heels.

  My body is on autopilot, but my mind, it is in full overdrive. Two worlds collided, knowing that what I will find will change everything.

  Pausing outside my mother’s door, I listen to the soft sounds that filter out from the inside. Quiet music, soothing and inspirational. A low hum of music, a gentle sound of a female’s voice singing along to the male vocalist. I know that voice; I’ve heard her sing only a few times along with the radio in her kitchen or a song playing during a movie we were watching.

  “Shane?” Looking back over my shoulder, I find Martha stepping in closer, concern etched upon her face. “Is everything okay?”

  Again I ignore the question and instead push through the door and let my arm fall freely as I stare at the scene inside my mother’s room.

  Janelle.

  My mother.

  It is too much all at once.

  My mother is sitting up in her chair, the same chair I have seen her sitting in so many times before, only this time it feels so different. The same chenille blanket I’ve covered her with a hundred times before lays draped over her lap and falling around her legs.

  Just behind her, Janelle stands, a comb in one hand and some device in the other.

  My mother’s hair that only a day ago was graying and appeared unkept is now a soft golden brown, styled in a way that reminds me of being a young child again, all the times I used to watch in awe as my mother would do up herself before going out with my father or even before work.

  Janelle stares at me, saying nothing.

  Moving in deeper, I scan over my mother slowly and see the shimmer shine of her lips. The same glossy appearance that Janelle wears, not dark and flashy, but subtle and sweet. It is a shade I know without a doubt if my mother was able to, she would have chosen for herself.

  “I didn’t know,” Janelle finally says, and I shift my gaze from my mother to her. “I came here today and our clients were already assigned. But when I entered the room—” She pauses and looks to her left. There upon the dresser is not one but several images of me, From toddler to just a few weeks ago during a dinner the facility held for families of the residents.

  I feel my hands trembling, and I make fists to hide my overwhelming emotions.

  “Do you two know each other?” Martha steps up to me, placing a hand on my forearm as she looks between the two of us. “Because if this isn’t okay—”

  “I can go.” Janelle backs away from my mom, and
I see the woman I know is related to her somehow rush to her side. “Here, you finish.”

  I know I should say something, do something, but I am stuck. Like my entire body is made of lead, I can’t react.

  “I’ve finished with this beautiful woman’s color, and I have the left side completely curled,” Janelle continues, only now her voice seems pained. “I can leave my iPod. The music seems to relax her and…” She pauses, and it’s then I pull my gaze from my mother and look back to Janelle.

  Her lower lip trembles, and it alone feels like a punch to the stomach.

  “I’ll get it from you later.” With that, she rushes away, and I am left with a room full of people watching me but saying absolutely nothing.

  Slate arches a brow and gives a little nod with his head in the direction Janelle has just gone, and that is all it takes.

  I am rushing from the room, jogging down the halls, and as I reach the front door of Evergreen Estates, I see her through the large plate glass doors. She too is moving fast, barreling toward her Jeep that I am unsure of how I missed earlier. It is parked only a few cars away from my own.

  “Shane?” I hear my name being called, but I can’t stop long enough to answer then. Instead I push open the door and run toward the parking lot.

  As I round the back of her Jeep, I find Janelle with her hands resting on the fender, her head hung and her body shaking.

  The sounds of my feet scuffing along the pavement gain her attention, and she springs into action. Yanking on the handle, she finds the door is locked and begins to fumble with her key fob. Her hands shake while tapping the button and then pulling on the handle once more. The same thing happens, and I am sure it is because in her current state she hit the lock instead of unlock, but I am thankful for the delay.

  “Janelle.” I take another step closer, and she wipes at her face. The idea that what she is wiping away are tears I caused makes me feel sick.