Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1)

by Andie M. Long

  “We’ll run some bloods but I’d guess at the recent use of a sedative. You say someone did this deliberately?”

  I nodded. “Yes, I had people around and one of them must have done it.”

  “Yeah, maybe you need different friends. Are you a substance user? I can give you a number for help?”

  “No, I am not!” I gasped. “Someone is trying to harm me and my husband.”

  “They hurt your husband too? I think maybe you need the police.”

  I remembered the veterinarian didn’t know Johnny was a bewitched human.

  “Sorry, slip of the tongue, My dog. They are trying to harm me and my dog.”

  “Might still be worth getting the police involved then. Anyway, if you can leave Johnny with me overnight, I’ll get those bloods done and observe him. You can call the surgery in the morning to check in and if everything is okay, you can collect him at lunchtime.”

  “I have to leave him here?” I wanted to cry. I petted him and kissed his soft, warm, furry forehead. “I’ll be back tomorrow, Johnny. Have a good rest and please don’t die.”

  “He won’t die, he’s just sleeping off a sedative, I’m 99.9% sure.” The vet reassured me. “And I’m only not saying 100% in case you try to sue me if by some miracle I’ve missed something.”

  “You can’t be more reassured than that.” Jessica pulled at my arm and I followed her out of the surgery. The receptionist said I could settle my bill the next day, so I walked out, stopping to look back at the building keeping me and my husband apart for the first time since we got together. “It’s the best place for him. At least you know he’s safe and in good hands. Come on. Do you want to stop at mine?”

  I shook my head. “Thank you, but no. I want to go back to the flat and sniff the blanket Johnny lies on. And feel sorry for myself. And work out a plan of how I’m going to enact my revenge against Max.”

  “We don’t know it was Max.”

  I took a deep exhale.

  “I guess I can’t prove it yet, but I do know, given the timeframe the vet specified, that it was one of those bastards who I invited into my temporary home tonight. No one harms my husband. It was bad enough they drugged me, but this ends now.”

  “Just don’t do anything to put yourself in more danger. I’ll alert the management tomorrow and get this matter escalated, okay?”

  “Thank you.” I saw genuine concern in Jessica’s eyes and I was grateful she was with me, but now I just wanted to be back home near everything that smelled of Johnny.

  I said my goodbyes and made my way back to my flat. Once inside, I busied myself tidying up the detritus from the gathering and then I flopped onto the sofa pulling my hand-knit look blanket over me, the one that Johnny had adopted for himself. At first I burst into tears, crying until my eyes went puffy and my breath racked with emotion, then I became angry. If Cupid hadn’t come to my home, if Fate hadn’t made my husband into a pooch, I wouldn’t be in this state now. My husband wouldn’t be having tests in a vet’s practice. What if that person had put more than a sedative in my drink and the same with Johnny? We could be dead and all because Cupid Inc wanted me to improve on how many love matches I made? Well, they could sod off. I’d never let anyone tell me what to do, and I didn’t intend to start now.

  The light above my head exploded in a shower of glass that thankfully missed my body. “Just what I need. Thank you for making tonight suck big time life. I guess I’ll just go to bed then and give up on the day.”

  I moved to my bedroom and switched on my lamp and then put on my pyjamas. The bedside lamp exploded.

  “What the fuck?”

  I switched on the main bedroom light. BOOM. By now glass was everywhere.

  “How have they done this?” I screamed. “Set up mini bombs in all of my lights?” Treading carefully, and thankful of the outside lighting on site, I went back out into the living room and got a scented candle. I needed to think what to do. Call Jessica? Try to contact Marcus Delaney? I guessed I could try to get hold of Destiny. She was only a block away and she might let me stay with her.

  Leaving the glass in the living room until the morning, I lit a candle and went back through to my bedroom, placing it on my bedside table. The room brightened up enough for me to see more clearly. I reached under the bed where I’d left a dustpan and brush after dropping Flake crumbs all over on my first night in. Chocolate was poisonous for dogs so I’d had to move quickly for once, but hadn’t got around to putting the dustpan and brush away after emptying it into the bin. I’d been exhausted after having to take out the bin bag, tie it up and take it to the chute because Johnny was going insane over the chocolate smell and couldn’t understand why I was keeping him away from the precious crumbs. He’d had my sympathy. If it hadn’t been for the fact I didn’t know who’d lived here before me, I might have been tempted to lick them off the floor.

  I cleared up all the glass shards from my bedroom floor as much as I could, given the limited flickering light. Tomorrow I would call Shelley and ask for her guidance in terms of protection spells, but now it was after eleven and I didn’t want to disturb her and Theo. They were probably having sex knowing them. After emptying the glass into the bin, I turned around to find the candle had grown a flame the biggest I had ever seen. Against the wall, I could see the shadow of a man, and yet as I looked around there was no one there. Wax dripped and ran in a rivulet onto my bedside table at lightning speed, spelling out the words HELP ME. Scared to death, I blew out the candle and ran around to Destiny’s apartment.

  I buzzed the intercom repeatedly until she finally answered and let me in. She answered the door, swaying in the doorway, and I remembered she’d taken a bottle of wine home with her.

  “Is everything okay, honey?” She said, taking in the panicked expression on my face.

  “No,” I said, and I burst into tears.

  She bundled me into her arms. “Oh, Samara, don’t cry. Come in, tell me what’s wrong.”

  We moved into her flat and I took in the decor. The place was plain like mine but she had lots of African looking masks on the walls. They all looked like they were staring at me and creeped me the fuck out, bearing in mind I was already on edge.

  “Oh take no notice of those. My husband got them for me on his travels. I brought them with me so I could feel near him.”

  “My husband is in the vets.” I cried. “Sometime drugged him.”

  She stiffened and pushed me to arm’s length looking at me. “They did what?”

  “They drugged him. He’s at the vets being looked after. It’s Max, I know it is. What am I going to do?” I decided not to tell Destiny about the strange happenings in my apartment. It was bad enough I was burdening her with tales of my ill husband when she’d lost her own. I needed to just try to get some sleep here and tackle everything tomorrow.

  “Oh this is getting serious now. Do you think maybe you should try to speak to the Principal? I know they might punish you by refusing to make Johnny a human again, but surely it’s better you go live somewhere with him as a pet than you stay here and get harmed?”

  “Johnny stay as a pet? I want my husband back.” I wailed.

  “Well, so do I, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?” She bristled.

  I put a hand on her arm. “Oh, Destiny, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come round to yours. I should have stayed home. It’s not fair burdening you with my husband and life issues when you’re just trying to get through your own day to day. I’ll go back home. I’m sorry.”

  “No. I’m sorry.” Destiny stepped forward and hugged me again. “You came to me with your problems and I made it all about myself. Let me make us both a hot cocoa and you can tell me everything that’s happened. I’ll make up the spare room and you can sleep here tonight.”

  And she did exactly that. My cocoa was glorious, and we chatted for a moment and then I actually began to feel my eyes close. The stress of the day had finally taken its toll and Destiny pointed to the room I was
to sleep in and I barely made it to the bed before I fell asleep.

  The next morning, the light suddenly brightened the room and seeing the most monstrous face I shot up in bed and screamed.

  “Oh, it’s just one of your masks. Shit. I thought there was a monster.”

  Destiny laughed from the doorway, her usual loud boom. She was holding a hot cup of coffee in her hand. “Here you go, sleepyhead. We’re at school in thirty minutes. You want to get a shower?”

  “Actually, do you mind if I don’t drink it and go back to my own apartment? I’ll shower there, seeing as I only have my pyjamas here.”

  “Well, I did wonder if you were going to attempt to explain them away as a fashion choice; only people have been wearing pyjama style clothes as day wear. I’ve seen it in Look magazine.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t think any of those had a bear on the front saying, ‘beware of the grizzly’.”

  “True. Well, shall I see you in school, or call for you?”

  I bit my bottom lip while I pondered. “Hmmm, I’ll see you in school. I need to shower, call the vets, and then I need to go see the Principal like you suggest because I’ve had enough. I’m not sure whether I’ll actually get to class so you go on ahead and let Martine know I’m delayed.”

  “Okay. Well let me know if you need anything.”

  I gave Destiny a hug before I left. “Thank you for letting me stay. Even if your statues are scary as fuck. I’m glad I was too tired to see that on the wall, or I’d never have slept.”

  She laughed, and I waved goodbye, making my way to my own flat.

  “I take it you had a good night if you’re walk of shaming from Destiny’s. Are you two more than friends now?” My body snapped around to find Max behind me, dressed in his jogging gear.

  “Fuck off, Max. I’m not in the mood.” I said, walking across the grounds, trying to get to my own apartment before anyone else saw me.

  “Look, I know the party at yours ended up being a damp squib, but don’t beat yourself up about it, honey. It was more to do with the calibre of guests attending than anything you did.”

  I snapped. Pushing Max up against the wall of my block, I got in his face. “Leave me alone and stop persecuting me. So your sister didn’t win an award for a few months. Big whoop. She’s flying high now so I don’t know why you both can’t just leave me alone. Now if you don’t mind, I need to ring the vets.”

  “Jesus, PMT much?”

  “Seriously?” My jaw dropped. “I’m telling you to back off. I know what you’re doing. Trying to scare me to get revenge for your sister. You win, okay? You drugged my husband, you win. I’m going to see the Principal this morning.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? Did you and Destiny take ecstasy or something?” Max bristled. “I don’t need to drug people, they come willingly to me, and I don’t drug animals. I donate to the RSPCA every month I’ll have you know.” He placed a hand on his hip. “Also, I can’t stand my sister. I don’t see her unless I’m forced to via family get-togethers, although I know she’s currently Queen Suck Up around Cupid HQ. You had to put up with her in Cupid meetings? I had to live with her and her constant attention seeking. I should have been the queen in my house. Me. So don’t accuse me of something I haven’t done, okay? Or I’ll go full on diva hissy fit on your arse.”

  I just stared at him speechless. Part of me secretly wanted to witness a Max hissy fit. I guessed it would be quite entertaining.

  “I’m sorry for accusing you of erm, things. There’s a lot going on right now that I need to try to make sense of and the main thing is that my husband is in the vets so if you can excuse me I’m off to call them and see how he is this morning.”

  Max took my arm. “Come on, sweetie. I’ll make you a brew while you do that. You need a friend today, and we need to talk about what’s going on and why you’d think I was at the root of it all.”

  “It just made sense it would be you.”

  “Yeah, well while fingers are being pointed in my direction it means the real culprit is out there and getting away with it. So come on, let Max help.”

  In my flat, I closed the door behind us and locked it.

  Max tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around.

  “Oh, Samara, you’ve made the most stupid mistake.” He said.

  Samara

  I froze. How could I have been so stupid as to invite him straight back to my apartment? And where was Ebony with her warning phone call to tell me my life was in danger?

  “W-W- what do you mean?” I replied, edging slowly towards the kitchen and my vegetable knife which could always be found on the side given I was too lazy to wash the dishes straight after eating.

  “You’ve left broken glass all over your living room floor. How dangerous! What if you’d forgotten and run in with bare feet?”

  I let out a huge exhale. He didn’t want to kill me. My heart was thudding in my ears.

  “What happened after we left last night?”

  “All my bulbs exploded and then I lit a candle and the shadow of a man appeared on the wall. The wax melted and formed the words ‘help me’ and I ran to Destiny’s.”

  “Hence you being outside in your pyjamas this morning. It’s making sense now. So you didn’t close the seance properly?”

  “Apparently not. Anyway, before that, just after everyone left, I found Johnny unconscious. He’d been given some sleeping tablet or draught. The same thing happened to me in school on Wednesday morning. I fell asleep in counselling. Sorry, but I thought it was you and some kind of revenge over what I’d said about your sister’s-”

  He held up a hand. “Don’t go there. I’m highly gay and don’t discuss those areas, especially not one's belonging to female relations.”

  “Fair enough.”

  He walked over to me and high-fived me.

  “Erm, I didn’t realise my silence on the other word for a cat was something you would be so happy about.”

  “Duh, the high five is for embarrassing my sister. I’d have loved to have seen her face. Just her face, mind you.”

  Max looked like he was about to vomit.

  I burst out laughing and he joined in. “Oh god, I needed that this morning. Right, I need to call the vets.”

  “Point me in the direction of your dustpan and brush and I’ll get up this mess. Do you have some kitchen roll to wrap the shards in? You can take them down to the glass recycling later.”

  Johnny was fine and his bloods had confirmed he had been given something to make him sleep. We agreed I would collect him after lunch. That gave me time to go to school. I’d made an appointment with the Principal for eleven.

  Max sat on the sofa. “So, possible people who could have done this. They would need to have been in the canteen on that day and near Destiny, and in your apartment last night. So that’s me—and it’s not me so I’m ruled out—Rhonda, Jeanette, Brad, and Destiny herself.”

  “It’s not Destiny.”

  “You can’t know that. Until the investigation is complete, everyone is a suspect, and as I haven’t actually proved myself innocent, I’ll have to put my name back on the list. And yours. Who’s to say you aren’t doing this yourself to attention seek? Maybe you have some kind of psychiatric disorder. That one they used to call Munchhausen's by proxy maybe? Did you poison your husband to get attention?”

  “I am not doing this myself.”

  “That you know of. But if you’re insane—and they have told us you’re crazy in class—then maybe you did. I’m leaving you on the list for now.”

  “What-eve-r. I’m going to see the Principal, and I’m collecting Johnny. What do I do about the spirit still being in my flat? Any ideas?”

  Max drummed his fingers against the arm of the sofa. “I’m not sure, but I know someone who will.”

  “Who?”

  “Rhonda. She’s totally into the dark arts and seances and all that shit. Or so she says. Personally, I just think she sits at home watching The Craft and paintin
g her nails black.”

  “So I need to talk to Rhonda.” Great, so basically I needed to contact the undead about contacting the undead.

  “I’ll do that. You go see the Principal and sort out your husband. Now pass me your mobile.”

  “Why?”

  “I want to gaze at myself through the camera and take a selfie.” He said sarcastically. “So I can swap numbers with you. Then we can keep each other informed.”

  Both our phones beeped at the same time.

  He handed me mine back after finishing putting his number in and texting himself. Then took his own out of his pocket.

  “Oh dear.” He said.

  I opened my own message.

  Due to your failing to appear in lesson today, regardless of other results, you will not graduate this week. Please see your main tutor, Martine Ortiz for further details. Your new timetable for next week will be uploaded by 3pm today.

  “I had no chance of passing this week anyway, but sorry if you did.”

  “Ah, my own chances were slim to none. I had to see the Principal for swapping phone numbers with Girth on the supermarket exercise.”

  “Girth?”

  “His name’s Garth, but girth suits him better.” He holds his hands together and widens them. “Need both hands for him.” He winked.

  “Out.” I pointed at my door.

  “Like you won’t be bragging when your husband is no longer a mutt.” Max grumbled but he left anyway.

  I reported to reception, and they told me I could go straight in to the Principal’s office.

  “Good morning, Samara.”

  “Good morning, Principal Carver.”

  “Still not calling me father?”

  “Still got a Whippet as a husband.”

  “Yes, about that. I’ve been talking to Miss Fazakerley this morning. She tells me that you and your pet have both been given sleeping tablets.”

  “That’s right.”

  “Have there been any threats made against you at all?”