Crazy, Stupid, Lazy, Cupid (Cupid Inc Book 1)

by Andie M. Long

  I stared at him. “Other than someone drugging me with the sleeping tablets you mean?”

  My father rested his hands on his desk and steepled his fingers. “It’s just rather difficult to investigate something where there is no threat. The sedatives are gone from yours and Johnny’s systems. There’s no surveillance on the canteen or in your flat. I’m not sure what I can actually do to help.”

  Was he fucking serious?

  I stood up, walked forward, and leaned over the desk.

  “Let me get something crystal clear here. You birthed me and so are the reason I am here in this school, because of your genetic line. Cupid, Fate, and you are the reason I am here and my husband turned into a hound. Now regardless of what someone is trying to do to me, the fact remains that because you turned my husband into a vulnerable, helpless animal, last night he could have been killed. YOU. DID. THAT. My being crazy, stupid, lazy, or whatever else you want to call me, yes you could argue that brought me here, although I don’t agree. But it was you lot who involved my husband. All the man had done was fall in love with me and you lot decided that I didn’t deserve it. That I was so unworthy of love because I didn’t Cupid how you wanted. Talk about full of your own self-importance. Talk about forgetting that we are ultimately here FOR LOVE. My husband is a victim in all of this. It’s not a crime to love me.

  “You might think me unworthy of love, and I’ve spent all my life well aware of that fact, but Johnny is not. So given I have no respect for you as a father or as my Principal, I’m telling you now, turn my husband back into a human being you poor fucking excuse of a man. I will sacrifice my love. Make me your Cupid puppet if you must, but turn him back. He did nothing. Turn him back and let him return to Withernsea, to his veterinary surgery, and leave him out of all of this. In fact, I give you permission to send a Cupid—but not that bitch Rebecca—to stick another arrow in my husband when he’s ready and over me and he gets a single tingle.” By now tears were streaming down my cheeks.

  “Because I love him enough to let him go.”

  Jessica came bursting through the door. “Let’s go to my room, Samara.”

  “Samara.” My father said.

  “No disrespect, Sir, but I heard most of the conversation while I was waiting outside and I think your daughter needs some emotional support right now.”

  “I will arrange for Johnny to be turned back into a human this afternoon.”

  I paused in the doorway. “You will?”

  “Yes, but he’ll be sent straight back to Withernsea tomorrow morning. Your time here is not yet done. I will contact Marcus Delaney to raise the issue of what to do about your apparent drugging. And we need to arrange a meeting between myself, Jessica, Martine, and you to find out how we move forward from here. I will give you a date on Monday. For now you’re dismissed.”

  He looked down at his desk. Once again the weight of my father’s disappointment burned down on me. But this time I had someone here to hold my hand, and she did that while she put her other arm around me and escorted me all the way to her room where I sat in that comfy chair and cried until I had no tears left.

  Jessica made me a cup of Jax’s coffee, which helped me feel a lot better. She sat in the chair opposite me.

  “You don’t have to discuss what happened with me if you don’t want to, Samara, but I will say that your relationship with your parents was to form part of our next session.”

  “Cupid Inc have beaten me.” I stated simply.

  “They haven’t, but we aren’t going to discuss that right now. We will talk about your relationship with your parents if you’re willing, and then you’re going to collect that husband of yours from the vets and I shall contact Marcus to make sure the directive has gone through for Johnny to be changed back to a human. After that you’ll spend a nice evening with him where you’ll tell him that just temporarily you have to finish up a few things in London before you can get back together. Okay?”

  “Okay.” I nodded.

  She sat back in her chair. “Take me back to your childhood. I want to know what it was like being the daughter of a direct descendant of Cupid and a star pupil of the same.” She picked up a dictation recorder and pressed record.

  “It made hell seem chilly.” I began to let my memories take me back to a time I’d done my best to block out.

  Transcribed notes from therapy session with Samara Leighton

  Relationship with parents.

  I remember my first day at playgroup. I painted hearts. Lots and lots of hearts. Andrew Morris kissed me under the slide. He was my first crush. I loved him for years. I told my parents and they said I wasn’t to be so stupid. That crushes weren’t love. That I was too young to be taught the skills to detect true love and to concentrate on my studies. I stopped talking to Andrew, and he befriended Stacey Smith instead. They married upon leaving school. Until I met Johnny, I always wondered if I let the love of my life go because of what my parents said.

  For a couple who had been so amazing at matching other people up with the love of their lives, and indeed a couple who were madly in love with each other; they didn’t understand how to love a child. If I asked them for a cuddle, I’d be told they were busy. They were always either together, or doing things for Cupid Inc; or together doing things for Cupid Inc. My childhood was lonely as they sent me to a school with human children and they wouldn’t let me see them outside of school in case they learned who I was descended from. Every evening as soon as I got in from school, I would find assignments on my bed about Cupiding that they would insist I did. Then there would be my homework from school. After that I’d grab something to eat before laying on my bed. That’s when I started doing ventriloquism, because then I had things to talk to, my toys and imaginary friends.

  At sixteen, I started at Cupid Training School. I was placed on the books of Cupid and had to start matchmaking. I was given my weekly targets. At first, I excelled and smashed them, becoming a star pupil. But if I expected proud parents, I was very much mistaken. All I heard was I’d done well, but they had achieved a much higher standard in their day. For me to not become overconfident. That they hoped because I was the offspring of such amazing stock that I would exceed what they had done before.

  After graduating at eighteen, I walked out of my home and moved somewhere they would have trouble finding me. I found Withernsea, and I also found a place where I could make genuine friendships. Where there were other people who had ‘differences’. Withernsea, I discovered, was full of supernaturals. A woman called Ebony found me wandering on the sea front and she told me I had found my true home. That I would find true love. She said my path would be a rocky one, but that was life. That eventually the life purpose for me would be revealed. She said it would involve love and Cupid, and that good triumphed evil. I’ve been friends with Ebony ever since, though I still wait for my life’s true purpose. She says it’s coming, and I just have to be patient. That’s easier said than done.

  Since I moved to Withernsea, my parents have not contacted me, other than an email from my mother to say how disappointed she was to hear that I had to retrain and that she’d never expected her offspring to bring shame on the family name. Of course now I’m back in school I am having to have contact with my father, given he’s the Principal. I feel trapped. If I can’t have love and yet I’m forced to make matches for others, then what a life of eternal torture that will be. When did I do something so bad that I deserve this? I didn’t ask to be born into this line, and is that what the genetic line is all about? Cupids born to create love, but not deserving of it?

  Jessica

  As I looked at the student before me, I was hit with a slew of anger; that people who knew of love could have become so far removed from anything other than romantic love, they could destroy the confidence of their own child.

  “Samara. Your parents are complete and utter bastards.”

  She looked up at me. Her face had been one of complete vulnerability—a woman stripped bare�
�as she’d told the story no child would want to admit. That their parents hadn’t seemed to love them.

  She started laughing.

  I joined in.

  “Yeah, they are. Yet my father sits here as Principal of the training school, teaching people how to matchmake when he is entirely lacking in the main loving gene. The irony.”

  “I’m sorry your family sucks.”

  She shrugs. “My family live in Withernsea. That’s another reason why I wanted to graduate quickly and get back to them. But I have to get through this training and my probation in Cleethorpes before I’m allowed to return, and if I have to become a Cupid Inc robot and not myself, then the real me won’t be going home anyway, will she?”

  “Collect your husband, Samara, and let all this go for an evening. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow sometime, okay? I’ll come see how you are doing. In the meantime, I have some meetings to arrange and some other business to follow up on. I know it’s difficult, but put everything that’s happening to one side tonight and have an evening of normality reuniting with Johnny. The shit can hit the fan tomorrow.”

  She met my gaze with a smile on her lips, but her eyes lacked their usual sparkle. “Thank you, Jessica. For everything. It means a lot that you listen. Even if you are paid for it.” She giggled. “No, I know you’ve gone above and beyond and I’m truly grateful.”

  With difficulty she finally extracted herself from the comfy chair. “Now I’m going to get my husband, and hopefully he’ll soon be back in his human form.”

  I waited until she had left the office and then I called Cupid Inc Headquarters.

  “I need to see the man himself. Yes, I’m sure he is busy, but tell him this is a code red.”

  An appointment for five pm is made. I have one chance to make myself heard for what I believe is the sake of the future of Cupid Inc and for people like Samara.

  “Jessica, my darling. How are you? It’s been too long.” Cupid kissed me on both cheeks. An assistant brought in a tray complete with an assortment of hot drinks and biscuits, something which was apparent on first sight that Cupid himself indulged in a little too often.

  “I wish I could say I was better, but issues are arising within Cupid Inc that you need to be made aware of. Things have been brushed under the carpet for too long. It’s time for action.”

  Cupid smiled again but this time the tautness of his jaw belied an underlying tension.

  “Well, my lovely. It’s true there have been challenging times of late. However, we are making inroads into a new way forward for Cupid Inc.”

  “The way the amazing Rebecca has advised?”

  “Exactly!” He clapped his hands together. “She brought me an amazing idea. We can be reborn.”

  I sat down on the red heart-shaped sofa in his room. “Except it wasn’t her idea at all.”

  Cupid stood stock still. “Pardon?”

  Now if there was one thing to know about Cupid, you did not attempt to bullshit him. He might be the King of Love but he could turn into the Emperor of Disdain when he needed to. No one ruled the kingdom of Love without challenge and you couldn’t always be lovey-dovey. Sometimes he had to take on enemies. Ones who needed reminding that Cupid had chosen a bow and arrow for his Cupiding, and that he was the best marksmen in the world. To underestimate him had been a lot of his past enemies downfall.

  “Explain.” He took a seat at the other side of the sofa.

  “It would appear when all the shit went down in Withernsea, that in order to get Rebecca to leave Shelley and her dating agency alone, Charlie Landry gave Rebecca a suggestion of how they could run Cupid and Dating agencies together side by side. Rebecca brought this idea to you with Charlie’s permission. Charlie herself knew that Rebecca would deliver it that way, but thought it a small price to pay for calming the waves in Withernsea. However, Charlie did not realise that in actual fact it would cause problems for one of her own—Samara.”

  “Oh yes, the incorrigible Mrs Leighton.”

  “Yes, or as you knew her most of her life, Samara Carver, daughter of the great Richard Carver and Ulrika Carver. Well, I’m here to tell you that the great Richard is indeed a big dick.”

  A smirk appeared atop Cupid’s bow-shaped lips. “Nice one.”

  “You’re welcome. Anyway, I’ve had Samara in therapy, and what she has revealed is truly distressing. Your star Cupids may be able to make love matches but they haven’t been able to develop love for their daughter. Indeed, they’ve shown no capacity for it at all. I overheard him talking to her earlier and it was most concerning.”

  “Well, Samara has always been a challenging child.”

  “On whose say so do you make that statement? Have you spent time with her yourself? Seen her methods?”

  “Well, no.”

  “Let me guess, you just took your star pupils’ word for it. Well, you’re wrong. You need to speak to Martine Ortiz when I leave. Samara handed in her assignments and they make for thought provoking reading on a real way to move Cupid Inc forwards. Working alongside dating agencies is a great idea and should be adopted in my opinion, but don’t give Rebecca the credit for it. Then listen to what Samara has to say. She has indeed developed your familial gene for Cupiding. She’s just not being listened to because she has a different way of seeing things.”

  Cupid stroked his chin. “If it were anyone but you, I’d be telling you to mind your own business about how I run my business, but I will do as you ask. Leave it with me. I will be in touch as soon as I am able.”

  “Thank you.”

  “So… have you seen anything of Lachlan?”

  I bristled.

  “No. And that’s how it will stay.”

  Cupid sighed. “I was convinced that yours and my son’s love was a true one. I’m disappointed it didn’t work out for you.”

  “Well, his first love is the police force. He always made that crystal clear.”

  “To this day it saddens me that we can matchmake true love but we can’t control outside influences.” Cupid looked wistful.

  “Look at Samara’s assignments and consider them alongside Charlie’s ideas. You might be able to do more than you think.” I stood up from my seat and grabbed my handbag. “Thank you for seeing me at such short notice.”

  “Well you did code red me. The family card.”

  I smiled. “I did. You were a great father-in-law. I’m sorry we became the black sheep of the Cupid family with our divorce.”

  Cupid raised a finger to his lip. “Shh. Where would my business be if they heard such things?” Standing himself, he gave me a hug. His hugs were amazing, filling you with a feeling of love from your head to your toes. “Don’t leave it so long next time, Jessica. You’re still family to me. Come and see us for tea sometime.”

  “You know I won’t, because you know you’d be unable to resist inviting an unwitting Lachlan around too.”

  “I’m Cupid. I can’t help myself.” He walked away and opened the door for me. “I’ll be seeing you soon. Shame it’s not a police matter.”

  Something told me that if Cupid heard about Samara and Johnny’s drugging, he’d have my ex-husband on campus faster than you could shout ‘Help’.

  Maybe it was time for me to think about moving on.

  Samara

  I called at a hardware store and bought twenty new bulbs just in case the spirit kept blowing them up. Then I collected Johnny from the vets and went back to the flat.

  I hesitated as I walked into the hall but all was quiet and Johnny just sniffed around the place but didn’t bark or anything, which I’d been expecting him to do if there was anything weird.

  I sent texts to Destiny, Jessica, and Max telling them I’d collected Johnny, was back at my apartment, and that I would speak to them tomorrow. Max sent me a filthy reply which also said Rhonda would call by tomorrow, late-afternoon, to try to move the spirit on.

  Throwing the comfy blankets onto the sofa, I flopped down, Johnny coming to sit beside me. Then my ph
one beeped again.

  Father: I sent out a plea to Fate and she answered. Johnny will be returned to a human shortly. A taxi will arrive at nine am sharp to take him back to Withernsea. I’ll see you Monday.

  Shortly? Ignoring the threats and warnings, I dashed into the bathroom to freshen myself up and change into… okay, strip down to my undies because I’d not brought any sexy items with me to London seeing as Johnny had been in dog form then. It was all hopefully coming off anyway. I slipped a robe over the top and went back to the sofa.

  While I was curled up with Johnny waiting for Fate to do her thing, I went on Facebook and checked through the local group happenings. It seemed my fellow park walker was quite the busybody. She’d posted last night.

  Susan Meyer

  UPDATE.

  Saw the strange woman in the park again. This time she was with another woman and the dog. I heard her mumbling something about people walking the wrong way around the park and that they couldn’t meet the love of their lives unless they changed route. I presume the other woman was a carer or nurse maybe? Anyway, description again. Blonde, although this time she’d straightened her hair, about 5ft 4in tall. Walks around with a beige coloured Whippet.

  And remember! If you get in trouble in the park, blink your eyes lots of times and hopefully a member of the neighbourhood watch team will see and be able to help!

  For God’s sake. I’d not even noticed her. Now she was outing me to all the area as a fruitloop. It was time for action. I typed underneath.

  Samara Leighton

  Hello. I think I’m the person you’re talking about. Just to say, I was actually walking with a fellow student yesterday, along with my dog. I’m actually a magic student at a local school and you initially saw me practising my ventriloquist’s act and so appearing to have a conversation with my dog. I can see to some it would have looked strange! Thanks for your concern. Just wanted to reassure the area that I’m actually perfectly sane! Thanks!