Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Before you say anything, I asked the nurses and they practically forced me to get it. And it’s for after, not before. This is special, Alice, we couldn’t let the occasion go unmarked.’

  Before Alice could even start to say thank you, Nurse Angles popped her head around the curtain. ‘I told her to do it! Enjoy, baby.’

  Tears started streaming down her face. It was all getting too much – what with the building anticipation, the kindness of these near strangers and the love of her best friend, Alice’s heart felt fit to burst.

  ‘Oh, Al.’ Sarah wrapped her arms around her and kissed the top of her head. ‘It’s going to be OK. Like I said, I’m right here next to you the entire time. You just tell me when you’re ready. No rush. And you know what? We don’t even have to do it today. We can just put the mirror in the corner and drink the champagne. It’s all up to you.’

  ‘Now. Please. Let’s just do it now.’

  Sarah nodded, sensing the urgency in her voice.

  Alice closed her eyes and took some deep breaths. Her heart was pounding so loudly in her chest that her entire body vibrated with the force. Her mouth went bitterly dry. Her breath was like a trapped bird flapping wildly in her throat. Suddenly she felt the warmth of her friend next to her. Their hands found each other without thought.

  ‘Whenever you’re ready, tell me and I’ll hold the mirror up to you, OK?’

  Alice squeezed Sarah’s hand so tightly she could almost feel her circulation stop. ‘Hold it up.’

  She must have stayed like that for a good three minutes, mirror positioned, eyes shut.

  ‘I’m going to open my eyes now.’ Saying it out loud was the only way she was able to hold herself accountable. Sarah remained silent, knowing no reply was needed. ‘I’m opening them.’

  The smallest crack of light broke through the darkness. The blurred background of her curtained cubicle started to appear. Slowly, she allowed more and more light to enter. She could make out the figure of Sarah on her right side and the curtain that separated her from Alfie on her left. She blinked. Sudden focus. The outline of the mirror. A reflection. The shape of a face. Half of a person she recognized. Long auburn hair, thick and wavy, framing her freckled face. Same full lips. Same dark chestnut eyes. Same fine bone structure. Same Alice she’d seen a thousand times over. But wait. Someone had altered the other half of the picture. As though she was a candle that had been left to melt on one side. No hair. Red thick scarred skin stretching over lips and nose and eye. Mottled. Damaged. A patchwork quilt of flesh that had been crudely stitched together using other people’s materials.

  Bile rose in her throat. She wanted to scream. To cry. To be sick. She wanted that mirror out of her face and never to see this reflection again. But she was frozen. Frozen staring at this poor broken version of herself. The tears came but she didn’t even notice. Alice was transfixed.

  ‘Al?’ Sarah was trying to bring her round from her stupor. There was nothing Alice could do but stare. ‘Alice … do you want me to do anything? Are you OK?’

  Alice shook her head. Her pillows were sodden with tears but still she didn’t move. For over twenty minutes she stayed there staring, trying despairingly to absorb and process the reflection that now belonged to her. It was an unwelcome gift she was now burdened with. No returns policy. No exchanges.

  She was staring into the new face of Alice Gunnersley. And it broke every last piece of her heart to look at it.

  34

  Alfie

  ‘Alfie, where the hell have you been?’ Sarah was standing just outside the entrance to the ward.

  ‘I went for a walk, why?’

  ‘Can we talk?’

  As much as he loved Sarah, all he could think about was crashing out on his bed with a trusty puzzle book for company. ‘I’m kind of tired, can it wait until later?’

  ‘I don’t have long.’ She looked nervously over her shoulder. ‘She thinks I’m on the phone to my mum.’

  Alfie’s stomach turned to ice. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘I’ll explain outside.’

  ‘OK, let’s go.’

  Together they made their way in silence down the tepid beige corridors and out into the fresh air. The courtyard acted as a refuge for patients, visitors and hospital staff alike. Alfie often wondered what conversations the plants were privy to in this tiny corner of the world. What pain had they breathed in through their leaves and what miracles had their flowered faces shone upon? It was thankfully fairly empty today; the rolling grey cloud cover was keeping people safely inside the sanctuary of Costa.

  ‘Do you want to sit?’ He pointed in the direction of a swinging bench in the corner.

  ‘Sure.’

  The moment she sat down on the seat the sobbing began, racking her body so strongly the entire swing shook. Alfie rested his hand on her back, willing himself to be patient.

  ‘I’m so terrified to leave her, Alfie. I’m scared of what she’ll do.’

  ‘Come on, Sarah, she’ll be OK. You know better than I do how tough she is. She’s a fighter. She’s not going anywhere.’ He was struggling to strike a balance between positive and supportive. It was a fine line to tread with someone you barely knew.

  ‘You don’t understand.’ She turned her gaze away from him and fixed her eyes on the floor. ‘She looked at herself for the first time today.’

  Oh God.

  He felt the beads of sweat break out on his forehead.

  ‘It was awful. It was like I could feel her heart break the moment she saw her reflection. There were no words. Nothing. All she did was sit and stare.’ Sarah’s breathing was getting quicker and her body was trembling more violently with the tears.

  This was bad. This was really bad.

  ‘I imagine she’s just in shock. It must be normal.’ He clutched at words of comfort. ‘It will pass though, give it time.’

  Even as he said them, the words felt empty.

  ‘No!’ Her voice hit him hard. ‘You didn’t see her, Alfie. It was like she became someone else, a shell of a human. There was nothing left inside her.’ She shook her head vigorously. ‘And for the first time in my life I don’t have a clue what to do to help her.’

  Alfie pulled her close to him. How could he not have seen the signs? His attention had been so focused on Alice that he’d missed them all. The constant upbeat humour, the distracting busyness, the ever-optimistic attitude: all of these were the exact same tactics that Alfie employed in difficult situations to deflect the pain away from him. Alice had nearly died. Sarah’s best friend had been through the most traumatic and terrifying experience of her life, and she was halfway across the world when it happened.

  He’d never even asked Sarah if she was OK.

  Eventually her breathing started to slow. Her body stilled and a calmness flooded them both.

  ‘First and foremost, you can wipe your face on this. My gift for being such an unaware, self-absorbed idiot.’ He handed her his jumper.

  ‘Thank you.’ She buried her head in the fabric.

  ‘Secondly, you have to trust that it will be OK. She will be OK. Losing a part of yourself is hard. It took me weeks before I could look down at my wound without wanting to vomit, or scream, or cry. Sometimes I’d do all three at once. It gets better. Slowly and often painfully, but it does.’

  Sarah smiled weakly.

  ‘Thirdly, you can keep that if you want.’ He nodded at the jumper. ‘Not sure I like you that much to wear your snot just yet.’

  ‘Thank you, you’re so sweet.’ She flashed him a sarcastic smile, then the facade dropped again. ‘Seriously though, I thought I was going to explode in there, so thank you for listening. The last thing Alice needs is to see me cry.’

  ‘Actually, maybe it’s exactly what she needs to see. Maybe she needs to see the fear to understand how important it is that she lives. Be honest with her. You’re probably the only person she’ll listen to.’

  He didn’t realize quite how sad it would make him to say
that last part.

  ‘Was.’ She nudged him gently. ‘I was the only person she’d listen to. Don’t forget now there’s you too.’ She smiled at him with such gratitude it caught him off guard. ‘I want you to promise me that you’ll look after her when I’ve gone. No matter how much she pushes you away or tries to convince you she doesn’t care. She needs you. She wants you to be there. She’s just not very good at knowing it.’

  Electricity sparked inside his stomach.

  ‘You didn’t even need to ask. I’m not going anywhere.’

  She reached out and hugged him. ‘Thank you. Now, let’s get back before she thinks we’ve run off and had an affair. Plus, it takes you fucking ages to move anywhere anyway.’

  Sarah was back. The mask in place and the warrior poised for battle. Alfie had to hand it to her; she was even better at this than he was.

  ‘Sure thing … although you might want to give my jumper back if you don’t want people to think we’ve spent the last twenty minutes having wildly passionate sex.’ He winked at her, pulled himself up and walked away as quickly as he could.

  *

  Alfie was hoping that by the time they returned to the ward, the shock would have miraculously worn off and Alice would give them an earful for disappearing, but she didn’t say a word for the rest of the day.

  Without her, time seemed to pass at a pace that was slow even for Alfie. With nothing but his thoughts for company, he found himself feeling claustrophobic and anxious. As much as he tried to distract himself, Alfie couldn’t take his mind off her. He found himself straining to imagine her reflection, different faces with different levels of damage flashing through his mind over and over again. Part of him wished he’d asked Sarah what she looked like when they were outside, but a bigger part of him knew that was not the point.

  It was getting too much. The thinking. The hypothesizing. He needed to do something.

  Alfie craned his neck to see if Mr Peterson was sleeping, but to his surprise the old man was sitting upright and staring blankly at his TV.

  ‘Hey, Mr P, mind if I come and sit with you for a bit?’

  ‘Oh, so you still remember who I am then?’ The old man feigned surprise.

  ‘Trust me, it would take several lifetimes to forget you.’

  ‘Ach, do me a favour. You couldn’t give two shits about me now you’re smitten.’

  ‘What on earth are you talking about?’ Alfie pretended not to know, but there was a panicked feeling rising in his stomach as he hurriedly made his way to his friend’s bedside.

  ‘Don’t play dumb with me, kid.’ He nodded his head in Alice’s direction. ‘Look at you, pink as a bloody lobster! It’s all right, boy. There’s only so much fun you can have with an elderly git like me. Now, do you want to sit down or are you going to continue to hover at the end of my bed like a bloody fly on shit?’

  Alfie could feel his cheeks burning red.

  ‘You’ve done a good job with her though, I have to say.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ He was trapped in his own blur of thoughts.

  ‘I mean, you’ve done a good job at getting her to talk. She’s really opened up around you. Everyone can see it. Well … hear it.’

  They both laughed. Alfie couldn’t ignore the purr of contentment that had settled in his stomach.

  ‘I thought I’d give annoying you a break for a while, and focus my energy into something else. Now it’s paid off I reckon I can spare some time to aggravate you again. I know you’ve missed it.’

  ‘Trust me, without your constant flow of inane bullshit bombarding my eardrums, I’ve been able to watch Homes Under the Hammer in peace every day. It’s been an absolute delight.’

  Suddenly and very subtly, his expression changed. He reached for Alfie’s hand and held it gently. Alfie felt it was like clasping a tiny bird, so fragile and small that its bones felt dangerously breakable in his grip.

  ‘Alice is lucky to have you, boy. In fact, we all are.’ The old man’s eyes lingered on Alfie’s momentarily before turning to look at the TV.

  There were so many things Alfie wanted to say, yet he couldn’t find the words. All he could do was softly squeeze the paper-thin hand that remained resting in his palm, and join him in pretending to be interested in the daytime TV show. He managed to keep Mr Peterson awake for a good hour before the old man dozed off. Alfie sat with him a little longer before resigning himself to bed and boredom.

  The silence behind the curtain continued into the night. He could just about make out a couple of grunts and mumbles, but they were few and far between. Sarah remained dutifully until Nurse Bellingham decided enough was enough.

  ‘Sarah, how many times do I have to tell you, visitors are not allowed to stay beyond 4 p.m. I don’t care how special you consider yourself or how many of the other nurses allow you to break the rules; if I catch you again, I will have to report you.’

  ‘I’m sorry, it’s just been a really tough day and I was—’

  ‘Getting your things and leaving? Yes, please do that.’

  Before she left, Sarah popped her head around to say goodnight.

  ‘How is she?’ he mouthed silently.

  The look in her eye told him all he needed to know.

  He nodded in acknowledgement.

  She tried to smile, but the sadness wouldn’t let her.

  And there he was. Back to square one, drowning in the silence again.

  35

  Alice

  Get me out of this body.

  Get me out of this fucking useless disgusting body.

  You’re a freak, Alice.

  You’re a damaged twisted-looking freak.

  You’re not OK.

  You’re anything but OK.

  They lied to you.

  They all fucking lied to you.

  36

  Alfie

  ‘Hey, can I come in?’

  Sarah’s voice was barely a whisper but somehow it roused him from his sleep.

  ‘Yeah. You OK?’

  He was careful not to speak too loudly; he didn’t think it would be a good thing if Alice overheard them talking about her. Sarah had opted for a bizarre half-whisper, half-mime tactic.

  ‘Did she say anything last night?’ The tiny flicker of hope in her eyes made Alfie’s heart sink.

  He shook his head. He’d known that last night was not the right time for conversation. He’d had to endure listening to Sarah’s painful attempts to get Alice to speak all afternoon, and he knew that if she couldn’t then there was absolutely no hope for him. He might have been optimistic but he definitely wasn’t stupid.

  Maybe this was a chance for him to wean himself off her.

  You’re getting too attached, Alfie.

  No. That wasn’t it. Despite what Mr Peterson had said and regardless of how he felt hearing her voice every day, Alfie knew that all he wanted to do was help. She was his friend. And besides, he knew what it felt like to wake up one day and feel like a different person overnight. Alfie could instantly recall the first time he’d seen his wound properly. It wasn’t so much the blood and gore of it that shocked him but the realization that something had been taken from him. Something he would never get back. It was the pain of lacking that tore him up. The knowledge that forever more he would be incomplete. It was more overwhelming than anyone could have prepared him for, so he had stayed silent last night. He needed to give her space, time to breathe and time to accept.

  ‘Right. Well, wish me luck. I’m going in.’

  He attempted his best consolatory smile and watched her go. It was almost as though his entire being was on red alert. His ears strained to hear every sound she made, praying Alice’s voice would join in the noise.

  ‘Hey Al, it’s me. I’m coming in.’

  Silence.

  ‘You OK this morning?’

  Nothing.

  Alfie’s heart was beating so loudly now he was scared it would drown out any potential signs of life from Alice.

  Much to h
is dismay, all that followed was the scraping of a chair and the sound of Sarah sitting down on it.

  ‘I’ll let you sleep if you want, I’m just going to sit here and read for a while.’

  Was she really not going to say one word, not even to her best friend?

  As the day wore on, the silence became stifling. He found himself torn between getting up to distract himself and staying put in case she decided to speak. With every wordless hour that passed, he found an unnamed sense of pressure building inside him.

  Do something.

  You have to do SOMETHING.

  No.

  He told himself the same thing over and over.

  Just wait.

  But he wasn’t good at waiting.

  Then the idea struck him.

  ‘Right, ladies. I’ve got an extremely difficult crossword puzzle and it has your names written all over it.’

  ‘Alfie, what the hell are you doing?’ Sarah didn’t even bother to lower her voice.

  ‘I’m doing my puzzles – what does it sound like I’m doing?’

  ‘It sounds like you’re doing something no one asked you to do.’

  He heard her get up and storm round to him. Why didn’t she trust him? Had she forgotten that he was the one who had got Alice to speak in the first place?

  Her face was all kinds of angry.

  ‘I told you. I’m doing my puzzles.’ He looked at her, hoping it was all about to click into place. It clearly wasn’t. He lowered his voice to a whisper. ‘It really helped last time, remember?’

  ‘That was different. She was different.’

  ‘We can’t just sit here and do nothing.’ Alfie crossed his arms like a petulant child. Who was she to tell him off?

  ‘Yes, we can. And we will. OK?’

  He knew that wasn’t a question.

  ‘Fine. I’ll do these by myself, shall I?’ He wasn’t whispering any longer. He wanted Alice to hear that he was trying and that he hadn’t given up on her. He wanted her to know that it was Sarah stopping him.