Before I Saw You

by Emily Houghton

  ‘Oh, don’t be a selfish idiot all your life, will you?’

  ‘Selfish?’ Alfie’s voice was raised now. ‘How the hell am I the selfish one? I’m trying to help.’

  ‘Help? You think this is helping?’

  ‘Stop it. Both of you, just stop it!’ Alice’s voice hit him square in the chest. ‘I’m not deaf, and I’m not some sick little child that needs looking after. I don’t want your fucking pity and I don’t need your help. So do me a favour and leave me alone. Both of you.’

  She was venomous, spitting poison at them with every sound she let out.

  ‘Sorry, Alice, we didn’t mean to upset you.’ Sarah immediately ran to her.

  ‘I was being stupid. It’s my fault, I wasn’t thinking.’ The words were falling out of his mouth so quickly he barely registered them.

  ‘I said, leave me alone.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Al, please—’ Sarah’s voice was thick with tears.

  ‘Didn’t you hear me? I said GO.’

  Suddenly the silence didn’t seem such a bad option.

  37

  Alice

  Not once in the entirety of their friendship had Alice spoken to Sarah like that. In fact, Alice struggled to remember a time when they’d even argued.

  The worst part wasn’t the look on Sarah’s face afterwards.

  The worst part was that Alice quite enjoyed it.

  ‘Alice, please. You know it’s not like that. All we want to do is help. I’ll do anything. I’ll delay my flight, I’ll tell Raph I’m never coming back if that’s what it takes, but I refuse to leave you like this.’

  ‘Unless you’re willing to help me die, then you might as well go.’

  ‘What?’ Sarah’s eyes were so wide they were practically bursting out from her skull. Her shock was repulsive.

  ‘I said, if you’re not willing to help me die, then go.’

  Sarah turned and ran. It seemed even watching her best friend leave in floods of tears did nothing but add more fuel to the fire inside her.

  Maybe she was now a monster inside and out.

  38

  Alfie

  The moment he’d heard Sarah running, he reached for his crutches and scrambled his way out of bed. There was no time for his prosthesis; he needed to catch up with her, and fast. Despite the adrenaline coursing through him, just keeping her in sight was a challenge as Sarah was a pretty quick mover. He needed to focus. With so many people milling about in the corridors, he knew one lapse of concentration could result in losing her.

  He’d known there was a side to Alice that could cut people out and push them away. He’d been on the receiving end of her deathly silences before. But that? That was downright cruel.

  ‘Sarah!’ He had to resort to shouting after her; he was tiring slightly and the crowds in reception were making it difficult for him to keep up. ‘Sarah, stop!’

  She turned her head briefly but carried on going.

  Although she was short, her bright blonde hair marked her out in the crowd like a light bulb. He eventually spotted her at the very edge of the smoking area, bent over, head in her hands.

  ‘Christ, you’re fast.’

  He rested his back against the wall and paused for a moment to recover. Now he was out here, he wasn’t quite sure what to say.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  Suddenly, she jerked her face up to the sky and screamed so loudly everyone within a two-metre radius took a step back. How could such a small human make so much noise? Alfie had to admit he was a little impressed.

  ‘Sarah, it’s OK—’

  ‘She wants to die, Alfie. Did you hear her? She wants to die.’

  Now she was collapsing into his arms. Her little frame heaved with sobs. Alfie pulled her close, holding her as tightly as he could. All he could hear were the muffled cries against his chest, repeating the same words over and over.

  There was nothing Alfie could say. He’d heard it too, and to deny it would be insulting.

  Soon her voice grew fainter and the sobbing slowed. Alfie could feel the tension leaving her body as her frame grew limp in his arms. Carefully, he tried to lower them both to the floor, cradling her as though she were a sleeping child.

  You can do this, Alfie. Just lower down slowly.

  Sweat started to run down his forehead. He was now stuck halfway, limbs bent awkwardly and shaking under the strain of Sarah’s weight.

  Don’t drop her. Whatever you do, don’t drop her.

  What with the running and supporting her body, Alfie’s leg was starting to cramp. He inched himself down a little further and was close to managing a graceful descent until, at the very last moment, his leg gave way and they both fell in a crumpled heap on the ground.

  ‘Shit, I’m so sorry, Sarah. Are you OK?’ His face burned with embarrassment as he reached for his crutches, which had spilled into the road. ‘I’m an idiot. I should never ha—’

  ‘Look, I know you want me to stay, Alfie, but don’t try and get me admitted to the ward as well, you sneaky bastard.’

  God, what a relief it was to laugh again! Sarah shuffled herself over to sit beside Alfie.

  ‘Cigarette?’ She was holding out a half-empty packet of Marlboro Red.

  Alfie smirked. ‘Aha! So this is why you insist on going out to get us food every hour. You’re using us to hide your dirty smoking habit.’

  ‘You bet! Your insatiable appetite is the best excuse ever.’

  For a little while they simply sat there, side by side, in comfortable silence. Sarah chain-smoked her way through the rest of her pack of cigarettes while Alfie provided the perfect headrest.

  ‘What am I going to do, Alfie?’ She stubbed the last of her cigarette out on the ground and looked at him.

  ‘I think you just have to give her some time. Remember, it only happened yesterday. She’s probably still in shock.’

  ‘But I don’t have time. I’ve got to go in less than a week. I can’t leave her like this.’

  He leant his head back on the wall and let the sun warm his face for a moment. He’d been racking his brains for ways he could help the situation, and the thought he kept coming back to was his own experience.

  ‘I know, and that must be pretty scary for you. But trust me, it will pass. Maybe not all of it, but some of the anger will.’ He took her hand tentatively in his. ‘Plus, you know that when you go, she’s not going to be on her own, right?’

  She looked at him and managed a faint smile. ‘I know.’

  ‘Right, come on. First, I need to move or I’ll be stuck here for ever, and you’ll have to winch me up to standing. Second, it’s movie night tonight, and I need to make sure we don’t end up watching Finding Dory again.’

  ‘Movie night?’ She stood and started to pull him up from the ground.

  ‘Oh, you’re going to have to stick around for this – it’s right up your street. Enforced fun, you’ll love it!’ He threw his head back and laughed at the mix of fear and repulsion on her face.

  ‘I think I’m suddenly busy tonight.’ She linked her arm through his and sighed. ‘Alfie, what the hell are we going to do?’

  ‘Something. I’m sure we’ll think of something.’

  Unfortunately, even that eternally positive part of Alfie couldn’t quite make his words sound convincing.

  39

  Alice

  The anger hadn’t left her. It still lay curled up deep inside her, poised to strike at the next helpless victim that crossed its path. But now it was joined by something else. A sickening feeling of guilt had crawled in and taken up residence inside her too. Its cold claws sank into her chest, a constant reminder of its presence.

  What the hell have you gone and done?

  All at once she felt faint with claustrophobia. Her little cubicle felt too contained and too confined. She was trapped in her own version of hell. A hell she’d created for herself. It was torture, yet she didn’t have the energy to do anything about it, not even to cry. She simply lay locked in her own m
ind, letting the nurses come and go and the sounds of the ward wash over her. It was only when she heard his footsteps returning that her ears pricked up.

  She sat a little straighter.

  It’s him. Definitely him.

  But where’s Sarah?

  Her stomach lurched.

  Maybe she could ask Alfie? Maybe he’d tell her what had happened. Maybe, if she asked nicely enough, he would go and find Sarah and tell her how sorry she was.

  But the moment she heard him drop down on to his bed, the words disappeared from her mouth. The shame of her behaviour snatched any possible conversation from her and she was forced back into her silence. A silence not even Alfie seemed willing to break any more.

  Time dragged its heels even more than normal. Restlessness pulsed through her but her bones were too tired to move. She was stuck, waiting and wishing for her friend to come back.

  You could always go and find her.

  No. After what she’d seen in that mirror, there was no way in hell Alice would be going anywhere. Her shame burned in the back of her throat, and no matter how tightly she closed her eyes, all she could see was her new reflection. The mangled version of herself that she was stuck with lingered permanently in her mind.

  What if she doesn’t come back?

  Those few words made her heart sink. Why was she so good at this? Pushing people away seemed to come so easily to her; it was right up there on her CV with financial planning and strategy. Alice Gunnersley’s top skills that got you anywhere you wanted but with no one by your side. She needed Sarah more than ever. Her wonderful friend, who hadn’t even batted an eyelash at her injuries, who since arriving hadn’t flinched, cried, winced or even commented on her wounds, had now disappeared. Alice let the tears come as she willed herself into a deep unthinking sleep.

  *

  The sound of Sarah’s voice woke her instantly.

  Alice opened her eyes just a tiny bit.

  Sarah smiled as she caught Alice peeping out from under her sheets.

  ‘Hey.’ She sounded cautious and Alice couldn’t blame her.

  ‘Hey,’ she managed to whisper.

  Sarah sat down in the chair beside her, and leant in close enough so no one else would have to hear them.

  ‘I’m so sorry about earlier, Al. I … I only wanted to help you. That’s all.’

  Alice turned so their faces were almost touching. ‘I know. I’m just so scared.’

  Tears formed rivers of salt down her scarred cheek. Alice resisted the urge to flinch as Sarah gently wiped them away.

  ‘I’m sorry too. I didn’t me—’

  ‘Stop.’ Sarah cut her off mid-sob. ‘If there’s one time in your life I’ll forgive you for being a total bitch, it’s now.’

  Alice snorted. God, she really did hate crying.

  ‘Can I come in?’ Sarah nodded to the bed.

  Alice wriggled over to make room. How lovely it felt to have the warmth of her friend next to her again.

  ‘You scared me earlier.’ Sarah’s voice became so small it barely reached her ears. ‘When you talked about dying. Alice, I can’t … I can’t lose you.’ The words were swallowed by sobs that came thick and fast. Alice pulled her friend closer and held her while she cried.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ She breathed into the top of her head. ‘I just feel like I’ve lost myself and I have no idea how to get me back.’ Saying it out loud for the first time lifted something from her heavy chest. ‘I don’t know what to do, Sarah.’

  The two friends lay intertwined in the bed, cocooning themselves in their pain.

  ‘I know, but this is the first and most difficult step done.’ The positivity was creeping slowly back into Sarah’s voice. She turned over and stared at the ceiling, still clasping Alice’s hand tightly in hers. ‘Let’s speak to the surgeon as soon as we can and see what the options are, OK?’

  ‘OK.’ Unlike Sarah, Alice’s positivity was still missing in action. Could anything really make that much of a difference? No one would be able to give her old face back to her. No one could turn back time, and she was pretty sure that no one, as hard as they might try, would be able to make something good of the mess she was left in.

  ‘I’ll speak to the nurses on my way out.’ Sarah sat up straight and folded her arms. That was that. There was a plan and that meant Sarah was happy. ‘I have to go a little earlier today, by the way – I’m on family duty again.’

  ‘That’s what you get when you fly off halfway around the world and don’t come back and visit!’

  ‘Thanks for the sympathy as always, Alice. Besides, speaking of family, have you heard any more from Patricia?’

  Patricia was Alice’s mum. Sarah could never quite bring herself to use the term ‘mum’, or even ‘mother’, when referring to her. Alice loved her all the more for that.

  ‘Nope. Not even a courtesy “Hi, hope you’re OK” text. Think our last meeting may have been a little too much for her.’

  ‘Meeting? Wait. What? She came here?’ Sarah’s face was an absolute picture. Her mouth hung wide open in disbelief.

  ‘She sure did. Let’s just say it wasn’t enjoyable for anyone involved.’

  ‘Alfie, did you get the pleasure of meeting Patricia?’

  Did she really need to bring him into every conversation they had? Alice still felt awkward about the way she’d acted earlier, and she hadn’t yet had a chance to apologize to him. Why she cared that much she still didn’t know, but it seemed Sarah really was grooming Alfie to become her stand-in best friend when she left.

  ‘Erm …’ He hesitated slightly. ‘I didn’t meet her in the traditional sense, although I did have the pleasure of overhearing a little of the conversation, and I think that was enough for me.’

  Alice laughed. The way he was trying to be tactful was cute, but it was very clear all he wanted to say was, ‘Wow, what a fucking cold-hearted bitch your mum is.’

  ‘Isn’t it such a wonder her daughter is one of the best human beings ever known to man when she has a mother like that?’

  Sarah kissed her on the forehead.

  ‘In that case, maybe we should be grateful to Patricia.’

  Sarah physically recoiled at his words. ‘Excuse me? She’s an absolute nut job. Sorry, Al, but it’s true.’

  Alice smiled – there was never any need to apologize when it came to insulting her mother.

  ‘Well,’ Alfie continued, ‘if you think about it, without her we wouldn’t have Alice, and a life without Alice would be too sad to think about.’

  No one said anything for a minute. Even though they’d had emotional conversations before, it still took Alice some getting used to when Alfie was being sincere. Sarah squeezed her tightly and Alice refused to look her in the eye. She didn’t want her friend to see the warmth his words brought to her heart or the swell of affection she felt for him in that moment. It would be written all over her face, and she wanted to keep it to herself for a while longer.

  ‘As cute as you guys are, please stop talking about me like I’m not here!’ She hoped she wasn’t being too dismissive of his kindness, but she didn’t know what else to say. ‘And enough about my mum. There are more important things to discuss.’

  ‘Like?’ Sarah looked at her, confused.

  ‘Like … when are you going to make yourself useful and get me some food? I’m starving.’

  ‘Maybe when you decide to get out of bed and come with me?’

  ‘I can’t leave the hospital, you know that.’

  ‘But you can leave your bed, Alice.’

  ‘Not now, Sarah. You’ve just got back in my good books so don’t push it.’ She gave her a wry smile.

  ‘Charming. Alfie, I’d get out while you can, otherwise she’ll have you running around after her 24/7!’

  ‘Trust me, with one leg there will be little to no running happening. I’m safe to stick around, I think.’

  Another burst of warmth and a tingling in her stomach.

  Christ, pull yourself toget
her.

  ‘Seeing as there’s nothing better to do, and you’re my best friend in the entire world, I guess I’ll go get us some food. What do you want?’

  Alice was quickly pulled out of her self-pity. ‘Anything full of carbohydrates and garlic.’

  ‘Really? You want Pizza Express again?’ She looked at Alice and shook her head. ‘I’d forgotten what a creature of habit you are. Didn’t you eat the same meal every lunch and dinner for about four months at university?’

  ‘Yes, and it was absolutely delicious.’

  ‘You’re the boss!’ Sarah saluted and closed the curtain behind her as she left. ‘Alfie, do you want anything while I’m out?’

  ‘I’m good, thank you. One of the nurses sneaked me in a chocolate brownie earlier, so I’m done for treats today.’

  ‘I’m glad you decided not to share any of it with us!’

  Alice loved listening to Sarah and Alfie. A small part of her wished they could remain in this microcosm of life for ever, safe and sound and full of their own strange routines.

  ‘So, may I ask what this same meal for four months consisted of then?’ Alfie’s voice was thick with mischief.

  Goddammit, why was Sarah always dropping her in it?

  ‘How did I know you would ask me that?’ Alice grumbled.

  ‘Because I’m the most annoyingly curious person you’ve ever met?’

  ‘That could be it. Also made more annoying by the fact you openly admit to your annoyingness.’

  ‘You have to be proud of what you’ve got, right? Come on then, stop distracting me. What was this gourmet meal you so lovingly consumed twice a day for four months?’

  She closed her eyes and smiled in anticipation of his reaction. There were many justifications she wanted to reel off, but she knew it wouldn’t make any difference to his opinion. ‘Pasta with baked beans, cheese and ketchup, and if you haven’t tried it for yourself then I accept absolutely no judgement or bullying from you about it.’

  ‘Interesting addition of the ketchup. For me it was always barbecue sauce,’ he said casually.