And Then I Turned Into a Mermaid

by Laura Kirkpatrick

  After spending so long worrying she’d ruined their friendship forever, the moment sent a burst of warmth through Molly’s chest. She vowed never to take her friendship with Ada for granted again, and almost considered pitching some kind of blood-brother pact to Ada in order to make it permanent.

  ‘Hi!’ Molly said, fighting the urge to yawn. She was still catching up on sleep from Friday night’s Coley Cavern antics.

  ‘Hey! You weren’t answering your mobile so I rang the landline. It felt very retro. Maybe tomorrow I’ll send a telegram.’ Ada’s voice was chirpy and fast. ‘Anyway, I have my cousins visiting from Chenzhou and we’re road-tripping to the zoo. There’s a sunset penguin parade. Do you wanna tag along with Minnie? She’s always pestering you to take her to see the gorillas, right?’

  ‘Baboons,’ Molly corrected her. ‘She likes buttholes. Especially red ones.’

  Ada snorted. ‘I think that’s a Seabrook thing. So what do you think? Are you in?’

  ‘I think Minnie has a birthday party to go to, but I’m definitely in!’

  ‘Sweet. I’ll pick you up at one. Bring snacks.’

  It was Margot and Melissa’s turn to work in the chippy with Aunt Maureen that day, so the two went off for their shift and Molly set up at the kitchen table with the stacks of homework she’d let pile up over the last week.

  Molly hated homework. She would rather dance around in the haddock suit for ten straight hours than do one sheet of maths equations. Her attention span was roughly that of a teaspoon, and trying to focus on one thing for hours at a time was almost impossible.

  There was a boy in her year at school who had ADHD, and Molly was pretty sure they shared the exact same symptoms. But she didn’t want to make a fuss by forcing her mum to book a doctor’s appointment, and she certainly didn’t want to risk anyone mocking her for it. So she powered through with algebra despite the entertaining diversions her brain was performing for her right at that very moment.

  As she worked, her mind drifted over and over to Fit Steve. Maybe now that Ada and Molly were friends again, and Ada was going out with Penalty Pete, Molly would have the chance to roll in the popular circle, and woo Fit Steve with her unbelievable charm and wit. All she had to do was practise making actual words with her mouth – she wasn’t keen to relive the ‘glumph’ fiasco, since the odds of Fit Steve being romantically attracted to bullfrogs was very slim.

  Of course, Molly wasn’t the only person in school to have a crush on Fit Steve. In fact, it would be easier to count the people who didn’t. And there was the problem that Fit Steve was already dating a kitchen table, i.e. Felicity of the Fillers. But in Molly’s elaborate wooing fantasies, this didn’t matter. After all, none of those other kids – not even Felicity – knew Fit Steve’s battered sausage preferences, so Molly was at a clear advantage.

  It was just before midday when old Aunt Reeny barged back into the Keep, waking up a snoozing Molly who was drooling over a diagram of a volcano.

  ‘What is it, Dory?’ Molly moaned, still half asleep, words slurpy and sticky from the saliva pooling in the corner of her mouth.

  ‘Up!’ barked Aunt Maureen, arms folded crossly. ‘You’re needed.’

  ‘I . . . What?’ Molly mumbled, rubbing her eyes and dabbing her slobber on the tablecloth.

  ‘I have to run an errand. I need you to go to work for a few hours.’

  Molly fought the urge to pout. ‘But I have plans with Ada. We’re going to the zoo.’

  Aunt Maureen zipped up her waxed jacket. It smelled like a stable, even though she’d never been near a horse in her life. ‘That will have to wait.’

  ‘That’s not fair,’ Molly complained. ‘You can’t expect me to drop everything just because you have to go to the post office, or whatever.’ Or the coven of evil witches and warlocks, she wanted to say, which seemed more likely.

  ‘I can, and I do. I am the adult and you are the child, and you will do as I say while I am living in this house.’

  ‘Seriously, I can’t,’ Molly tried feebly. ‘I haven’t finished my homework.’

  A disdainful head shake. ‘You shouldn’t have left it to the last minute.’

  ‘Maybe I wouldn’t have needed to if I didn’t have to work all the time,’ Molly pointed out, and then Aunt Maureen was off again, going on about how much better behaved schoolchildren were when there was a cane involved. Molly couldn’t help but fantasise about shoving a cane up Aunt Maureen’s –

  ‘Fine,’ Molly said, slamming her textbook shut with resignation. ‘I’ll go to work.’

  ‘Good. And don’t even think about closing early. Susan and Keith from across the street will be watching. They have me on speed dial in case you try anything . . . funny.’

  Heart sinking with disappointment, Molly called Ada back.

  She picked up on the second ring. ‘Hey! So I know I said bring snacks, but I already got crisps, Haribo and white chocolate popcorn. White chocolate popcorn, Molly! Can you believe this is a thing? Have I just changed your life? I feel like I might’ve just changed your life.’

  If Molly wasn’t gutted before, she certainly was now. She felt like a toddler, but tears pricked at her eyes. She wanted to go so badly. Penguins, popcorn and Ada were three of her very favourite things, and work was making her miss out again.

  ‘I’m so sorry, Ads, my aunt is making me work. I can’t come any more.’

  Ada’s upbeat tone vanished. ‘Oh. OK.’

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Molly’s gut squirmed uncomfortably, praying her best friend wouldn’t hate her all over again. ‘I really do want to come.’

  ‘Yeah, I know.’ Ada’s voice was as flat as a pancake that had been run over by a steamroller. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll invite Pete.’

  At work, Molly slammed around the chippy so angrily that the till drawer snapped off its hinges. Margot hastily removed her from the front counter and told her to take over kebab duty. Molly hated slicing doner kebabs, because when the meat cylinder got really small and skinny, you ended up cooking your knuckles against the grill. But still, it was much easier to vent your world-ending rage when you had a stinking hunk of factory-floor meat to take it out on.

  At quarter to one, a familiar voice appeared behind the counter. Molly turned from the kebab to see Eddie of the Ears standing there, grinning sheepishly. Margot had conveniently gone for a wee the moment he stepped through the door, leaving Molly to serve him alone.

  ‘I came by earlier for chips and bits,’ Eddie of the Ears said, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘But, uh, you weren’t here. So I decided to have a later lunch instead.’

  Molly grinned. ‘My sisters could’ve served you.’

  Eddie of the Ears shook his head in dismissal. ‘They don’t do it right. The bits aren’t bitty enough.’

  ‘I’ll let them know,’ Molly snorted, and started preparing his lunch.

  ‘Everything OK?’ he asked, watching her scoop the crispy slivers of salty batter on to a huge box of fresh chips. ‘You seem a little downbeat. Or worried. Or possibly ecstatic. I’m not good with reading body language. You might’ve just won the lottery and I’d say sorry for your loss.’

  Molly laughed, but even she could tell the sound was half-hearted. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. Annoyed I have to work. There was something I was supposed to do. And now I can’t.’

  Cautiously, Eddie of the Ears asked, ‘A date?’

  ‘Pffft. No. Going to examine baboon bottoms at the zoo.’

  ‘The finest of Sunday afternoon activities.’ Eddie chuckled. ‘Anything I can do?’

  Molly finished wrapping the chips and bits in newspaper, then rung them through the till. It sputtered angrily when it tried to eject the broken change drawer. ‘Not unless you fancy covering my shift.’

  Eddie shrugged. ‘Sure.’

  ‘Good one.’

  ‘No, really. I can do it.’

  ‘No, you can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’ he asked, shrugging again. ‘I come in here often enough to know the men
u top to bottom. How much skill does it take to batter a cod?’

  Molly rolled her eyes. ‘You’d be surprised.’

  ‘Good thing I’m a fast learner.’

  ‘See, now I’m starting to think you’re not joking.’

  Eddie laughed. ‘I’m not. For once.’

  Molly gaped at him, stunned by his insane levels of kindness. ‘You’d actually do that?’

  ‘What was it you said back on your birthday? “You can have my job if you want. All the free chips and bits you can eat.” This is just me making good on your offer. Nothing to do with helping you out. I’m just in it for the free grub. I spend so much on chips and bits that I’m considering renting out my bedroom to help with the cost.’

  Molly couldn’t believe it. She genuinely couldn’t believe it. How was anyone so ridiculously nice?

  ‘Thanks, Eddie of the Ears,’ she choked out, a lump forming in her throat.

  ‘I think you mean Eddie of the Eddie.’

  ‘Yeah, that one. Give me a sec to run this by my sisters?’

  ‘No problem. Mum’s parked outside. I’ll go and tell her I’ll be a while.’

  Before the deluge of tears got the better of her, she pushed into the kitchen and hastily filled in Margot and Melissa on this remarkable update. They stared at her in astonishment, waiting for the punchline, then when they realised none was coming, they seemed genuinely happy for her. They promised to help Eddie as best they could, and if Aunt Maureen came back in a hissy fit of rage, they’d tie her to the doner kebab and roast her until she shut up.

  By the time Molly reappeared out front, she had the crying under control, and was now all business. Dragging Eddie back into the kitchen so they were out of sight, she grabbed the cap off her head and handed it to him. ‘Here, switch hats with me.’

  Eddie, to his credit, did not question this, just handed over his beloved beanie and yanked the cap over his ears as best he could. ‘You have a really big head,’ he said, as his eyes disappeared underneath the hat.

  Molly pulled the warm beanie, which smelled of green apple shampoo, over her head. It was indeed very tight. ‘Maybe you just have a really small head.’

  Eddie of the Ears nodded. ‘Or we’re both freaks.’

  ‘Probably that one. Listen, you’re going to need to act as me-like as possible.’

  Eddie peered up at her from underneath the overwhelmingly large cap. ‘What? Why?’

  ‘Susan and Keith across the street. They have binoculars pointed at the shop front right now.’

  ‘That’s not creepy at all.’

  ‘My aunt’s way of checking up on us. You’re wearing black, and you’re the same height as me, so they might not notice. They drink. But just in case, do your best me-impression.’

  Eddie tilted his chin up defiantly, and squared his shoulders, and fixed a look of vague anger on his face. ‘Hello, I’m Molly. Buy my chips or I’ll murder your family.’

  Molly burst out laughing, forgetting to even be offended. ‘Perfect. Thanks, Eddie of the Eddie.’

  ‘No problem, Molly of the Neptune Head.’

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  The Biggest Spectacle at the Zoo

  The zoo was cast in a warm glow from the late autumn sun, but the air had a chilly tinge. Molly and Ada’s family were all wrapped up in boots and duffle coats, as were most visitors, but there were still the occasional nutters wearing shorts and flip-flops as they ogled the lions in their enclosures. Ah, northern England, thought Molly. Where people wear cargo shorts during a blizzard, just because they like the pockets.

  They’d driven half an hour to get there, and Molly was dying to tell Ada about what Eddie of the Ears had done for her. Instead she made polite conversation with Ada’s dad and uncle, and tried not to be sick when her five-year-old cousin blew a snot bubble in her face. It was just about endurable when Minnie did gross things, because she was Molly’s flesh and blood, but there was something so unbelievably disgusting about other kids.

  Eventually they made it to the zoo, bought their tickets, then strolled around the monkey house as they waited for the sun to set and the penguins to parade. As they walked, Molly and Ada dropped back to gossip about Eddie of the Ears’ remarkable goodwill.

  Ada was still bouncing and fizzing, as she had been since Molly phoned to tell her she was coming after all, but smiled warmly as Molly recounted the story. ‘I can’t believe he did that for you.’

  ‘I know,’ Molly agreed. ‘It’s crazy.’ And yet, she could believe that he’d done it, because he was just that kind of person. Sweet and caring without expecting anything in return.

  Molly would return it, though. Somehow she’d find a favour of equal value. Not just because she hated feeling like she owed people something, but also because she found herself genuinely wanting to do something good for the boy with the overwhelming lobes.

  She wanted to discuss Eddie of the Ears with Ada further, but her youngest cousin – five-year-old Li Jun, of snot-bubble fame – came dancing over to them. His older brother Zhang Yong came close behind. He seemed to consider himself his little brother’s carer, and it was sweet for Molly to see. It reminded her of how Margot used to be with her when they were little.

  ‘Hey, kiddo,’ Ada said, ruffling Li Jun’s thick black hair. ‘If you could be any animal in the world, what would you be?’

  Li Jun hopped excitedly from foot to foot. ‘A chimp.’

  ‘Are you just saying that because you’re looking at chimps right now?’

  A sombre gorilla made eye contact with Molly. Its eyes were deep and sad. Molly suddenly realised how much she hated zoos. What if the human world found out about mermaids? Would she be kept in a cage for people to ogle while they ate candyfloss and took pictures?

  Li Jun shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

  Molly folded her arms. ‘If you were looking at an earthworm, would you want to be an earthworm?’

  ‘No,’ Li Jun said emphatically. ‘Because earthworms aren’t real. I’m not stupid.’

  Zhang Yong gave Molly and Ada a knowing look, as if to advise they just let him have this moment. Zhang Yong was only eight, but wise beyond his years. So . . . maybe not that much like Margot.

  ‘Right, of course.’ Ada nodded. ‘Mol, what about you?’

  Molly shrugged. ‘Probably a leopard. They’re awesome.’

  ‘I thought you’d want to be something oceany. Like a dolphin or a whale.’

  ‘That’s very narrow-minded of you.’

  Ada laughed and linked her arm through Molly’s. She hadn’t done that for yonks, and it made Molly grin.

  ‘I’m so happy you’re here, not Penalty Pete.’ Ada sighed. ‘If I asked him what kind of animal he’d want to be, he’d probably say Gareth Southgate.’

  Molly frowned. ‘Who’s that?’

  ‘I truly have no idea. Something to do with a waistcoat and the World Cup. I try not to listen when Pete speaks.’

  They watched as one chimp smacked another one around the head with a banana skin. It was like a live-action cartoon. ‘So do you think you’ll break up with him?’

  Ada chewed her lip. ‘I don’t know. What are you supposed to do when the things you thought you wanted turn out to be a bit rubbish?’

  ‘Admit you were wrong and move on?’

  A meaningful pause. ‘But he’s such a good kisser.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ Molly squealed. ‘You’ve kissed? I need to know everything! Firstly –’

  ‘Keep it down,’ Ada muttered, smiling genially at her dad, who had turned around at the sound of Molly’s banshee wailing.

  ‘Right, sorry,’ Molly mumbled hastily. ‘But what kind of texture do boys’ tongues have? Is it the same as ours? Or more . . . sandpapery? I imagine it to be like putting a starfish in your mouth.’

  ‘Eurgh,’ Li Jun said, wrinkling his nose. ‘That’s gross. Why would you put a starfish in your mouth?’

  Ada laughed, then whispered to Molly, ‘I’ll tell you every tiny detail the second my littl
e cousins aren’t hanging on my every word.’

  ‘OK,’ announced Ada’s dad. ‘We need to find a spot for the sunset penguin parade.’

  Zhang Yong frowned as they exited the monkey house. ‘It looks pretty busy.’

  ‘Why don’t you kids go on ahead?’ said Ada’s uncle. ‘We’ll wait for you in the café.’ He winked at Ada’s dad. Molly suspected they might sell beer in the café.

  ‘Good idea,’ Ada said, turning to Molly. ‘Tell you what, Mol, I’ll go this way with Zhang Yong and Li Jun, you go that way and see if there’s more space towards the finish line. Text me if you find a spot, OK?’

  Molly wandered away from the monkey house and towards the finish line for the penguin parade. The sugary scent of candyfloss was on the air, and the chirping of parrots could be heard over the chattering excitement of the crowd preparing for the parade. Molly felt happier than she had in ages, and couldn’t help smiling as she walked around the perimeter of the penguin trail.

  Zhang Yong was right, though. It was very busy. There were no spare benches anywhere, nor were there any standing spaces on the route the penguins would take. The grassy banks were covered in people.

  She walked further and further towards the finish line, but it was no use. Unless she acquired some form of stepladder or stilts, there was no way they’d be able to see the emperor penguin leading his pals around the park.

  Unfortunately, the crowd was so packed that Molly didn’t quite realise how close she was getting to the penguin enclosure.

  The whiff of kippers on the breeze was the first clue, and the excited squeals from toddlers were the second.

  And then she turned into a mermaid.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Do Penguins Bark?

  Molly’s eyes blurred with panic as she felt the unmistakable tingle of a mermaid tail materialising.

  Oh God. Oh God, oh God, oh GOD!

  The path around her was mobbed with people setting up tripods and checking maps. On one side was a grassy bank covered in picnickers, and on the other was the outer fence of the penguin enclosure. Inside, the penguins were barking.