Off the Cuff

by K. I. Lynn

  “Where’s Roe?” James asked from my doorway.

  He’d barely stepped into my office when I laid into him. “Does she have a boyfriend?”

  James froze at my sudden outburst, his brow furrowed. “I told you no.”

  “Then why doesn’t she want to go out with me?”

  His muscles relaxed, and he sat down in one of the chairs opposite my desk. “I can’t tell you that.”

  “That’s not an ‘I don’t know,’ James.”

  He shrugged. “Roe has been through a lot lately, and that’s all I can tell you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she trusts me, and if you want her to trust you, you’re going to have to wait until she’s ready. If you keep harping on it, you’ll just push her away.”

  I threw my hands up in frustration. “I already have! And now I don’t know how to talk to her anymore. It’s fucking frustrating as hell.”

  A small laugh left him as he watched me. “I’m having fun seeing you invested in a woman. In all the years I’ve known you, there has been interest but only enough for a night or two.”

  “You were the same, once upon a time.” I ran my fingers through my hair. “She’s under my skin.”

  “I’m very familiar with that feeling. The worst thing you can do for your case is to push her away. You want her to open up to you so you can be there for her.”

  Great—the one thing I’d done for the past week was push her away. I was completely fucked. Would she even trust me now? She probably thought I was only being nice to her so I could fuck her, and then I went back to being an asshole.

  Shit. My goal was even further away now, and by my own damn doing. The woman had me a complete and utter mess.

  “I fucking hate this secretive shit.”

  “Just remember it’s not to torture you. Trust is hard earned, and you’re going to need hers to get any further.”

  She didn’t trust me? Or she didn’t trust me with something specific?

  “I need to prove myself,” I said, finally understanding. Though that didn’t make it any easier to take.

  “Good luck.”

  “Thanks, man. Totally off the topic you came in for, I’m sure.”

  “Yes, but that doesn’t change that you’re my friend, Thane.”

  “She’s your friend as well, which is weird, by the way.”

  He ignored me. “Roe is a much better match than your last real relationship. What was her name? Liz?”

  “Liv.”

  “That’s right.”

  He was completely right there. Liv was all about status and money, neither of which I had at the time only a year out of college. She was gorgeous and made great arm candy, but she was otherwise a boring, materialistic socialite—the complete opposite of Roe.

  “How can one woman flip my life upside down so quickly?” I asked.

  “That’s what happens when you meet a good one. Now, sort yourself out. Get the girl. And tell me what you think about that email Worthington just sent.”

  My eyes widened and I turned my attention back to my computer, pulling up my email. I skimmed over the letter and cursed.

  “We had this ironed out.”

  James sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. “They know how much we want the company,” he grumbled.

  We needed the company. They were a major lynchpin in the ten-year expansion plan we’d laid out.

  “We are already the majority shareholder. This is asking for a hostile takeover.” I ran my hand through my hair.

  Fuck.

  “Which it may become. I didn’t want to do it that way.”

  I nodded. “I’ll get on it, see what sense I can talk into them.”

  “I’ll leave you to it. Give me a call if we need to press them harder.”

  “Will do.”

  After he walked out, I tilted my head, a loud crack emanating from my neck. It seemed there were two things I was going to be on the warpath for if the people involved didn’t change their minds.

  A few hours later, I was sitting at the bar with Jace wanting to bang my head on the counter until I bled. Worthington wasn’t budging, and it would be a fight on Monday when their CEO was back in office. It seemed some of his senior management was trying to stage a coup, and I’d need his help getting everyone back on track.

  That matter was on hold. However, the matter of the female variety had me at a standstill.

  “How do you get a woman’s trust?” I asked Jace as I stared at the bank of televisions in front of me.

  A cold beer sat in my hand as I stared off. I needed help. Guidance. I didn’t even know where to begin. I wasn’t sure that Jace was the right person to be asking, either, but I was desperate for any insight.

  “You’re asking me?”

  My lips formed a thin line. Yeah, Jace wasn’t the best person, especially not after his last relationship, the one where he got caught fucking his girlfriend’s best friend.

  Ass.

  I never understood how he, or how any man, could do that. If I was in a relationship, I would only sleep with my girl, fuck my girl, and not even consider another.

  You’re thinking about Roe.

  A sigh left me. How could I want someone so much? Or was it just the memory of how good she felt around me driving me for more?

  “I just… fuck, I don’t even know what I need, but I need something.”

  “How about that blonde on your dick tonight?” he asked, nodding to the blonde at the end of the bar.

  I gave him a side-eyed glance. “That’s not going to help my issue.” Bars weren’t really my thing, but after a long week, I didn’t really care where Jace wanted to go. I was just desperate for a drink. Or ten.

  “Come on, man. The last year I’ve barely seen you show any interest in getting your dick wet.”

  “That’s not my problem,” I grumbled, trying not to remember the fucking perfection of Roe’s body.

  His eyes widened. “Oh, I see.” He grinned and leaned in. “She hot?”

  “Very.” Natural beauty, curvy, petite body, and suckable pink lips.

  “More than once?”

  I groaned and let my head drop back before returning to look at him. “Yes, but now she’s shut me out. She doesn’t trust me, and I don’t know how to fucking change that.”

  He shrugged. “Just play with her. Tell her whatever she wants to hear.”

  I narrowed my gaze on him. “When the fuck did you get so slimy?” Jace was never the devoted type, but I thought he had more integrity than that, and more respect for women.

  “What? You’re not looking for anything serious.” His expression fell as he stared at me. “Holy shit, you are. This is the chick working for you, isn’t it? The girl that hates you.”

  He was animated, excited, and it both amped me up to talk about her but also made me reserved. At least with Jace. The problem with talking to James was that he was also close to Roe.

  “She has some secret, some hang-up. I know she’s attracted to me.”

  “Yeah, otherwise why is she playing with your meat stick?”

  I rolled my eyes. “My first impression isn’t doing me any favors, and she seems stuck on that version of me.”

  “For starters, stop being this mopey ass with a chip on your shoulder. She turned you down? Hurt your little feelings? Be a fucking attack dog and keep going after her until she submits.”

  “While that is a graphic analogy I didn’t really need, I understand its intent.” I’d been called that before in business deals, which was why James entrusted me with his company’s acquisitions, but I’d never applied that mentality to a woman. Never before had I wanted to, but Roe had me wanting so many things.

  “And that is?”

  “Don’t give up, keep asking until she says yes.”

  He tilted his head from side to side as he thought over my interpretation. “Yeah, I suppose that works.”

  I quirked a brow at him. “What were you thinking?”

&
nbsp; “Edge her until she says yes.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Dude, is pussy ever not on your mind?”

  “Are you trying to tell me it’s not on yours?”

  I turned back to the screens. “Fair point. I’ll try that way if the other doesn’t work.”

  I really hoped the other way worked, because my appetite for her was more than just sexual.

  Though the idea of edging her until she said yes did sound appealing.

  The day was rough, as was every September 11th. Mom and I went to the memorial as we always did, but this time we had Kinsey in tow. After finding his name, I introduced him to her.

  It was a bittersweet moment. It still floored me that something so devastating was now so long ago.

  “What are you doing tonight?” I asked Mom as we walked back to the subway entrance together.

  “I have a shift starting at midnight.”

  “So, nap?” I asked as I looked into the stroller. Kinsey was out like a light, fast asleep after a busy day.

  She nodded, her arm threading with mine. “Any weekend plans?”

  I shook my head. “The usual—laundry, groceries, and cleaning. Probably a walk in the park since the heat is supposed to break a little on Sunday. Kinsey loves the park.”

  “Any men in your life?”

  I quirked my brow at her. “Really?” Inside I was really trying hard to not think about Thane today, and I was determined to keep it that way. After the pang subsided, I buried my feelings back down.

  “What?”

  I gestured to the stroller I was pushing and the infant inside. “I’m basically a single mother.”

  “I was a single mother and I dated.”

  “We weren’t still in diapers.” It took a few years before Mom had her first date. A firefighter she met in a nine-eleven support group.

  She’d never had to go through the gamut of dating with a toddler. Hell, I couldn’t even get a man interested enough to want to date.

  Thane wants to date you, my brain reminded me. But he wouldn’t once he found out.

  We were almost to the subway entrance when I spotted a familiar profile standing against the railing. Her hair was bleached, the blonde long grown out, and looked like it hadn’t been combed in weeks, and her clothes were riddled with rips and tears as well as some stains.

  “Ryn.”

  She blinked at us and blew out a shaky breath. “Hi.”

  “You’re late.” I hated the tone in my voice, that edge of anger and rage that whipped across my words. Any other day, it would be cautious. The knot in my heart would loosen looking at her state, but not today.

  It was with well-worn reason. Over the years I tried so hard to help her get clean, to help her have a life outside of drugs. I was the supportive older sister who did whatever I could to help. It failed every single time for one reason—she didn’t want to get clean.

  She traded sex for drugs and got pregnant with Kinsey, but never stopped.

  While I hadn’t given up on my sister, I had given up enabling her. Especially when one November morning I picked up a tiny bundle from Social Services.

  “Ryn, baby…” Mom trailed off. The words had been said before. Over and over and over for nearly a decade, but they never penetrated. “How are you doing?”

  Ryn chewed on her thumbnail, or rather what was left of it, and nodded. “I’m okay.”

  I ground my teeth. “You don’t look okay.”

  She tried to smile, but she was fidgeting badly. “Well, you know, today.” Her eyes flitted over the stroller, but she didn’t even seem to register her child was in front of her.

  “What are you on?” I asked.

  “Roe!” Mom snapped.

  “What?” I asked as I turned to her. “She’s high as a kite, Mom.”

  I’d seen the different stages of high on her many times over the years. Whatever empathy I once had for my sister was nearly gone. It took a massive hit the day I took her abandoned daughter home. The same daughter she had yet to acknowledge.

  “I just… you know… Daddy.” Ryn blinked away a few tears.

  It was like a stab to the heart. Daddy. Nearly two decades had passed, and I still missed him. My memories were limited, overwritten with time and age, but I still remembered his laugh and the smell of his aftershave.

  We were all silent for a moment, but the more it stretched on, the more my anger grew.

  I didn’t want to hate my sister, but the drugs were making it nearly impossible to love her. It wasn’t her, my baby sister, who grated on me. It was her high alter ego.

  “You barely remember him. You’re just using today as an excuse for why you’re high when it doesn’t matter anyway, because you’re always high.”

  Ryn shook her head, tears filling her eyes. It was an act I’d seen many times.

  “I’ve been clean for two weeks. I swear. I swear, Roe. I just… today. It’s today for fuck’s sake.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to push the memories from the day away. I’d gotten good over the years at putting that day in a box, separating it from the rest of my emotions. The pain, the fear, the unknown that filled me with terror as I watched the sky turn grey and block out the sun. The acrid smell that lasted for months.

  He called. Told us he loved us. I begged him to come home. I was sorry. Just come home, then the line cut out and the screams echoed through the streets along with a roaring thunder.

  I shook my head, a tear sliding down my cheek.

  “This is no way to honor him,” I said before turning and walking away.

  “Roe!” she called out.

  “It’s been a rough day,” Mom said in an attempt to soothe her.

  “Love you, Mom,” she said.

  I turned back to see them hugging and waited for Mom. They separated, and Mom swiped a tear from Ryn’s cheek. They talked for a moment, Mom probably asking if she’d eaten, then pulled money from her wallet.

  I wanted to go and snatch it away because I caught the way Ryn brightened. The high was calling her.

  “Why did you do that?” I asked when Mom caught back up to me.

  Mom looked somewhat chastised. She was a nurse. She knew what drugs did to people.

  We made our way down to the subway and onto the train that had just pulled in.

  “You shouldn’t say things like that to her,” Mom said once we were seated on the train.

  “Why not? Have I not done enough for her? Fights with my boyfriend because I spent our rent money getting her into rehab, her stealing my stuff, getting high in my apartment, and giving her more money than I can even count?”

  “Don’t give up on her.”

  “I’m not, Mom.” I let out a sigh and looked down to the stroller and the chubby cheeks of the baby slumbering inside. “But I’m done coddling her. I don’t have the energy for it. All of my love and empathy and caring transferred into her daughter.”

  Mom took my hand in hers and squeezed. “I know. I’m sorry. Seeing her like that, never knowing where she is or what she’s doing. Every phone call I think will be the police to tell me she’s dead.”

  It was a fear I had as well.

  “We’ve tried, but she doesn’t want to get better.”

  “I just don’t understand why.”

  “Because then she’d have to become a functioning member of society with no means of escape. Ryn just wants to get high. That’s all she’s ever wanted.” My chest clenched. All I wanted was for Ryn to get better, to come back to us, but I wasn’t going to aid her habit any longer. Not until she came to me, sober, and asked for help. Just one fucking time to come to me when she wasn’t high or itching to get high.

  Just once.

  “And Kinsey.”

  I ground my teeth together. “She never wanted Kinsey. She wanted to get high, and Kinsey was the outcome of that. She couldn’t pay the hospital bill, and they knew she was pumped full of drugs so she ran out, leaving Kinsey there. I miss my little sister, but I don’t miss the lying, st
ealing con-artist version.”

  She looked like she wanted to argue with me, but it was a conversation we’d had time and time again. As Ryn’s mother, she wanted to defend her and keep working at it. She even tried to make me feel bad for cutting her off. All I had to do was point to Kinsey, and she stopped.

  Days after my twenty-seventh birthday I had taken a tiny, underweight baby into my arms and made a solemn swear to protect her.

  Even from her own mother.

  No matter what.

  Sunday was a complete and total waste. Kinsey spent most of the night screaming, and I spent the night bargaining with the banshee in my arms who likely didn’t understand a word I said while trying to soothe her. Thankfully the old building had thick brick walls, but I knew her anguish leaked through the front door.

  I just prayed it didn’t disturb the neighbors too much.

  We both spent the day napping on the couch, and when the evening rolled around, happy Kinsey was back.

  “I’m so glad you’re in such a good mood,” I said as I looked down at her playing on the floor. “But can you sleep tonight so I’m not dead tomorrow when I see Thane?”

  It wasn’t until I said his name that I realized what I’d done. For so long, I’d simply called him Carthwright. It was formal, off-handed in a way, with no personal attachment.

  But Thane… It was casual, friendly, and invited a different sense of propriety.

  I liked him. A lot, to my surprise. And I’d upset him so much that I wasn’t sure he could go back to the way it was.

  Kinsey crawled over to me and pulled herself up, standing at the edge of the couch.

  “Well look at you, nugget!” I smiled at the tiny tot before lifting her up. “I’m gonna have to baby proof more of this place, aren’t I?”

  “Mm-mama,” she said.

  A tear slipped from my eye and I pulled her against my chest. “Yes, beautiful girl, I’m Mama.”

  It wasn’t the first time, because she always made that sound. I was only realizing that she said it while trying to get my attention.

  I’d tried to keep a small amount of arm’s length in my heart, not calling myself her mother, but the fact was clear—I was her mother. Maybe not genetically, but that didn’t matter. I’d cared for her all but the first few weeks of her life, and I would care for her all the following days.