Roots of Indifferences

by Terri Ragsdale

  Victoria wanted to fall into his arms and love him and began to speak. As her mouth opened to reply, he stopped her with a long, cruel kiss. Her body stiffened. His fingers gripped her hair, and he pushed his body full against her, crushing her against the rough wall. Was this the same man she had known and made love with two years before? Why was he treating her like a two-bit whore? How dare him! When he gave her hair a hard tug, she lashed out in sheer agony. "Damn you!" she hissed in a breathless sound, trying to fight against his hard, cruel grip. "Aren't you glad to see me? What has gotten into you?"

  Juan was angry, tired, and hungry for ardor. Seeing her again had only brought out the hellish passion he once had for her. She had been in his mind all the time he had spent in prison. He had been left to rot, accused of killing a man in the Hinojosa's hacienda, a person he didn't even know, all because her damned family had pointed their finger at him and used him as a scapegoat. He was going to forget he was once a gentleman—he would spend the night with her and show her what real love meant.

  "Juan!" Victoria pleaded with him. "What in the world has gotten into you?" Puzzled by his roughness, she demanded, "What has happened to you since I last saw you? All this time you never wrote me a letter or came to see me."

  "Come to see you?" he said. "How could I have come to see you? All this time I've been rotting in prison because your damn grandfather accused me of killing one of his peóns!"

  "Dear God!" Victoria whispered to herself in shock. Her body went weak with fear, knowing that her grandfather, the accuser, was already dead.

  Juan's hand went around her body roughly and with a quick, swift whirl he picked her up and dragged her into one of the tile corridors in the dark. Finding an empty room, he kicked the door open and let Victoria down, giving her a hard shove. Landing on the floor, she tried to balance herself. Everything was happening so fast, and her puzzled mind was starting to spin; she was at a loss for words, panting, out of breath. Through the filtering light from the window, she could tell that he was furious as he came toward her, talking in a cruel voice.

  "You hypocrite!" he roared. "In the last two years, I have cursed you forever setting eyes on you. You are a serpent—a snake in the grass and the type of woman that gets a man into trouble. What happened two years ago, Victoria? You tell me? It was a week after we made love—remember? Or have you conveniently forgotten it! I was arrested in my home, put in jail for killing a man, a man that I did not know. The Federalists beat and tortured me until I had to confess that I had been at your grandfather's hacienda, the Lord and Master Don Hinojosa. I don't know who killed his worker, God only knows, but I was dumped in a cell and given only bread and water to survive. Later I was transported to a jail in Mexico City because I was considered dangerous to the Federalists—a threat to the Federalist regime. A degrading experience, don't you agree? One week ago, I finally managed to escape from prison, letting the rest of the men out, along with the lice on my body. I ate with rats and cockroaches, nothing but filth. I swore that if I ever got out alive, I would get my revenge. Your grandfather found it convenient to blame me. It's the way political games are played."

  "Felicia! I'll have to check on Felicia and see if she is safe," Victoria said, stalling for time.

  Juan grabbed her and said, "No, you don't! Felicia is very safe with the Americano." He then commanded harshly, "Now—take your clothes off! Or I will take them off myself!"

  Panic struck, Victoria stood in shock for a moment and then moved swiftly. She could feel herself shudder as he came toward her and removed his shirt and unfastened his trousers.

  Juan made his movements deliberately and quickly against her as he savagely ripped her blouse from one shoulder. His eyes were glazed with animal lust. His hands were like burning branding irons over her skin and breast, his mouth like a wild man thirsty for pleasure over her petrified lips. He began kissing her on the throat and then further down, groping her tingling breasts and enticing the desire from her, as her knees went weak. He continued to tear every stitch from her body, even tearing the chain of the golden amulet he had given her from around her neck. They were both caught in a feverish whirlwind of love and hate, as her body went limp to his wanton needs.

  Victoria had dreamed of making love to Juan so many nights, but not in this savage way. She quickly responded with nonresistance to his actions, but in fear. She could hear his breath becoming harder as Juan took his time in his pleasure, their bodies melding into one.

  CHAPTER 21

  The moonlight coming through the iron-barred window reflecting on her face made Victoria blink. How long she lay on the cold floor with a woolen blanket, she did not know. All she could remember was the thrill of excitement she had finally reached by pure passion, a new and unknown experience. She realized now why adultery was so common; she knew now what it was to be a woman and the pleasure of satisfying a man's wants. A moment of guilt seemed to engulf her and possess her.

  "Virgen de Guadalupe," she said softly to herself, and then she began to cry. She was tortured with so many unanswered questions and now doubted if there was any future for her. Life's reality faced her squarely: how could she admit to Juan that it was she alone who killed the worker at her grandfather's hacienda, for which he had been blamed? Juan had already suffered too much in prison. Everyone had paid for their mistakes, including her. Grandfather was dead, and the two demons, Hanson and Hobbs, had been turned loose on her father. She had no other choice but to leave with Luis and Juan and return to her grandfather's hacienda and hope it had not been destroyed. All she wanted was to be back in the safe arms of her mother and Mamá Maria back in Texas, where she belonged. She would learn to accept the ridiculous situation they were in. Her father would be coming to get them out of this conflagration. She felt hopeless and without strength. Only degradation and despair seemed left. She was embarrassed having to explain to Felicia what took place, but Felicia knew all about feeling hopeless and embarrassed.

  Heavy footsteps were coming down the corridor. Victoria sat up and grabbed the blanket to hide her bare chest. She held her breath.

  With a sudden jerk, Juan opened the door. In his hands was a bundle of clothes, including men's trousers, a white muslin shirt, and a straw hat. He threw them down on the floor beside her. "Put them on!" he ordered coldly. "You will need them to keep you warm, especially up in the mountains where we are heading. There has been a change in plans. These clothes will disguise you from being a woman, and you are aware of how amorous we Mexicans are. We don't want to attract attention on the road up ahead. There are too many Federalists and bandits on the road nowadays. We don't want any men to get any ideas, do we, Querida?"

  Victoria felt trapped, and there was nothing she could do but to go along with his orders and suggestions. She tried to protest in silence, but her eyes and the look on her face gave her away. She managed to find her fortune reading cards on the floor among the shredded clothes, in the pocket of her apron and slipped them inside the pants that she was supposed to wear. She retrieved the broken amulet from the floor and, still in a daze, sat there and began to cry.

  Juan stood over her, suddenly feeling guilty for his conduct of last night. "Victoria," he said gently, his tone changing to one more endearing. "I want to apologize for last night. That is not normally like me. I will get your golden amulet fixed and send it to you." He took the amulet out of her hands and put it in his pocket. "I don't know what came over me. I saw you and—anger overcame me. Thinking of the long hours and nights I suffered in that damn rotten prison, thinking only of you, thinking of all the things I could have been doing to help Madero. I am sorry for what I said I. I truly love you. Every time I think of you being married to that pompous Ricardo, it completely destroys me." He squatted down and wiped Victoria's eyes. "Please forgive me. All I want to do is to help you get out of this country and get you safely back home."

  From outside the courtyard, there were several loud explosions of rifles. Victoria quickly sprang to her feet an
d exclaimed, "Shots! Who is being shot?" She was worried about Felicia since she had not seen her for several hours.

  "Traitors, my dear, by Luis's orders," he answered. "The stupid nuns who got away were caught and are getting what they deserve. And now there is the Queen of Traitors— Mother Superior, who couldn't wait to sell us out to the damn Federalists and tell them everything. She's been supporting their cause for many years. Selling little babies to high-priced families all over this area and getting money to support her needs. This is all part of the dirty little game of war—the concession of good and evil."

  While bent over and putting her hair under the straw hat, Victoria straightened herself up and said, "Dear God! Not Mother Superior, too! You are all sick!" she hissed. "I'll be glad to get back to Texas where I belong, where people are civilized!"

  "Really Corazón, you don't think that Mother Superior did not hurt the poor Indian girls that would come to the clinic to have their babies? And then later she would tell them goodbye and send them off empty-handed, without their infants? The young girls were impregnated by the rich hacendados, like the Del Calderónes, and brought here to keep silent for big bucks. Where do you think the babies go? They were sold to wealthy couples around the region and throughout Mexico. She was collecting quite a bundle of money."

  "I can't believe that! Those are lies! All of you are making up these ungodly stories. All of the nuns were very kind to the Indians girls. All I want is to leave Mexico forever! "

  "Believe it, it's the truth. Everybody in this region has known about her little game and how she was piling up money for her cause. Real convenient, making her a hero for helping the poor peasant girls while putting money in her pocket and laughing all the way to her deposit box."

  "I don't know anything about how Mother Superior operated the convent. All I want is to leave and go back to Texas, where I belong."

  "And leave my undying love? How else would you have learned to make love with so much ecstasy to a real hombre like myself?" His sea-green eyes were glowing through his sarcastic grin. "You didn't seem to mind us making love again so early this morning. You seemed to be ready to really enjoy it. Ricardo has taught you well."

  "Oh!" Victoria hissed. Wearily, she walked out into the long corridor, wrapping the serape around her. "A real hombre!" she snarled. "Real hombres don't treat women like this! And as for your information, how would I know of another man? You are the only one I've ever made love to."

  "Honestly, Querida! You are not trying to tell me that, in the last two years, dear Ricardo hasn't gotten into your bloomers?"

  Indignant and burning with anger, Victoria turned to Juan and gave him a vicious look. She could not believe what came out of his mouth. One minute he was kind, and the next, horrid.

  Juan mocked her and pinched her buttock, wanting to get more of a response. "Querida, from this angle no one would recognize that you are a woman. And what a woman!" He then laughed out loud, mockingly. "You are so beautiful when you're angry."

  "Oh! The nerve," she said. "How quickly you have forgotten that you were in prison!"

  *****

  It was a long time afterward while riding double on horseback with Juan, that Victoria came to her senses. She couldn't erase from her mind the bloody scene as they exited the convent courtyard: the nuns shot in the head; Mother Superior sprawled on the cold ground with blood all over her white habit; the poor peón women praying; nuns crying; blood everywhere; and the shallow graves.

  But Victoria could not escape the fact that she had wished evil on Mother Superior and had witnessed it coming to pass. She recalled seeing Felicia, her face red and swollen from crying, while holding on tightly to the Americano, Dan Land. Everything had happened so fast. There was Luis Del Calderóne, Amparo, and her brother Mario telling them to go with God. They would be leaving later, but along a different, rougher route.

  "Vaya con Dios." Luis had tears in his eyes, and his words were like echoes in her ears. "When you see my mother, tell her to pray for me. I have blood on my hands for trying to do what's right. One day when this war is over, maybe I'll be able to see her. She is the only one who has understood me."

  *****

  Juan pulled the reins tight against the bit of the horse to keep it from whinnying, while Victoria sat square in the middle in front of him. They had taken a path off the main road. The country was at war, and they did not want to look suspicious to any Federalists army.

  Dan and Felicia kept pace in front of them, with the two other Americanos several yards ahead. With the light of the setting moon, they could see the fog rising from the impenetrable jungle of tropical trees, ferns, and wild vegetation. They could hear the trickling of water coming from a stream below that had melted from the snow-covered Sierra Madre Mountains. They rested for a little while and then continued following the path up toward the towering mountains.

  The dawn of day was coming, and dew on the foliage glittered from the rays of the morning light. Soon the mountainside became steep and dangerous. Huge rocks jutted from the slopes. They slowed their pace, keeping a close watch on the enormous boulders on both sides of the path. Hours later, the trail sloped down into a green valley with fields of buttercups and purple and white verbena flowers, mixed with tall yellow hedges of wild sunflowers. It was breathtaking, and the first signs of spring.

  Juan, always suspicious, would occasionally stop his horse and look backward and in every direction, making sure that nobody was following them. The Federalists and bandits were everywhere and easily could shoot them from yards away. He made sure to stay away from any clearing. The sun was already at high noon when Juan yelled to the others in front of him, suggesting that the horses needed water and rest. They came upon tall trees where they could be sheltered from any intruders, and a stream where the horses could drink and be relieved of their heavy load. They built a small fire and made coffee, sharing strips of dry beef.

  They rested for an hour or more and then began riding on the elevated, rocky path again. The vegetation became less green, looking more like a desert environment with a variety of cacti, mixed chaparrals, sage, and other rugged bushes, an undulation of the dreary landscape on which only the tough maguey and cactus could grow. The heat gradually became unbearable. Juan suggested that they plaster mud on their arms and face to keep the burning sun from infiltrating their skin. On both sides of the low, dry valley they could see the magnificence purple of the Sierra Madres covered with snow. The wind began blowing strongly, forcing the riders to slow their pace.

  The ride had become a long, exhausting trip up the rocky, winding trail. Finally, the sun began going down over the mountain range, and it glowed like a supreme god, ruling both the heavens and dry earth. At last, the sun's rays kissed the foreheads of the two lovers, who dared not disturb the silence of the lonely path.

  It was not long before the glittering sky finally took possession of the coming night. The surrounding land looked empty and lonely, and the darkness became cold with sprinkles of millions of brilliant stars overhead.

  Through the darkness, Dan Land, riding double with Felicia, backtracked toward Juan and Victoria. "Felicia is sick. She has been ill since we left the convent, but she didn't want to say anything, not wanting to delay our journey to Monterrey. It got dark so fast. We're gonna have to stop. She is exhausted and has a fever."

  "We'll stop and find shelter among those caves. It will keep us from the cold wind during the night," replied Juan. The wind had gotten stronger, and bitter cold, coming off the snowfields of the rugged Sierras.

  Dismounting, Dan carried Felicia over to a large cave. Inside, he took his jacket off and laid her head on it. He unfastened his horse's saddle and brought it over to Felicia, propped her head up on it and laid his jacket over her shoulders. Felicia's face was drawn by the mud on her face and fatigued by the long weary trip; already she made gasping noises, trying to catch her breath.

  "I just don't know if this poor gal will be able to travel any longer," declar
ed Dan with a frown. "She needs rest, food, and a doctor to look after her. She's got a fever."

  "We'll find food," commented Juan dismounting, as Victoria hurried over to comfort Felicia. "I'll see if I can catch some rabbits that are plentiful in this region." He informed the other Americanos, "We must not use our guns or rifles in any way. The noise will attract bandits who roam the countryside. We must be real careful. We will take turns watching during the night."

  Inside the hollow cave, the rest of the men built a fire to keep warm and then made strong black coffee. One of the Americano poured water from his canteen on his bandana and placed it on Felicia's forehead. Victoria used the bandana to wipe the mud off Felicia's face.

  Juan had disappeared among the rocky, snowy ground and, within an hour, had brought back five rabbits, hanging by their ears. After being cleaned, they were put on a stout twig to roast.

  After eating, Juan showed the men how to make small trenches for their beds by pouring hot embers into them, filling them with dirt then branches, and using their blankets. This would keep them warm through the cold night. More branches of dry mogotes and tough pinos trees were put on the fire to keep it burning all night within the cave.

  While the men began digging their trenches, Juan mentioned that they could not slow down their traveling. "Not now!" he said emphatically. "Bandidos use this road for their hideouts, and it's too dangerous being on this road without an army. I have an appointment in Monterrey that has to be kept. I promised Luis. Even if we ride very hard, we still have more days of rough riding."