Dirty Little Secret

by Jennifer Ryan

  Damn, that woman can ride.

  “She’s one fine rider.” Robby stepped up and echoed his thoughts.

  “Bet she likes riding cowboys more than horses.” Harry’s comment made the other men laugh. Young, full of himself, and loose with his tongue to cover how awkward and fumbling he was with women—everyone for that matter—Harry tended to be outrageous to get attention.

  “She favors the boss, but it won’t be long before we’re all getting some action.”

  That crossed the line. Noah moved without thinking and shoved Harry into the wall. “She’s a partner in this ranch, and you’ll treat her with the respect she deserves or you’ll be out on your ass.”

  Harry’s eyes danced with merriment.

  Robby grabbed his shoulder. “He got the message.”

  Noah stepped back. Harry rushed over to the three other guys milling about watching Roxy ride back to the stables. They laughed and smacked Harry, like their kid brother who’d gotten scolded for acting out.

  Robby waited for the men to walk off before saying, “You changed your tune about her.”

  “You saw me kiss her,” Noah guessed.

  “Looked intense.”

  Noah went silent for a minute, trying to gather his thoughts on what he felt, how she made him feel. “She’s not what I expected. A woman who looks like that”—he cocked his head toward her—“you’d think she’d be more . . . outgoing,” he said for lack of a better term.

  “She’s not a flirt and she doesn’t use her considerable assets to get what she wants.” Robby put it into better words than Noah had done.

  “She’s timid, unsure of herself when someone touches her. Annabelle hugged her and she didn’t know what to do. Hold on, or just stand there until it was over. I kiss her and she hesitates, then follows my lead. I expected her to be more like Cheryl.” Noah still felt like he hadn’t made his point, unsure what he really felt or meant.

  He couldn’t figure Roxy out, but knew something significant lay behind her shy demeanor.

  “You’re a good-looking guy,” Robby began, and Noah glared at him, making Robby laugh. “I’m not hitting on you. Just stating a fact. You’ve never had trouble getting a woman to notice you, or fall into your bed when you wanted. Cheryl, like many of the others you’ve dated, threw herself at you. Part of it was your looks and you’re a nice guy. Part of it is your position on this ranch and the money you have . . . then and now.

  “Roxy seems to have her own sense of self. She strikes me as the kind of woman who doesn’t need a man to take care of her. She’s been doing that her whole life I’d guess based on some of the things she’s said and I’ve heard. I have a feeling she’s like nothing and no one you’ve ever known. The way she stuck up for Annabelle, moved here to ensure her future—Roxy’s a woman worth keeping. She’s a woman who’d do damn near anything for a friend. Look what she did for a stranger.”

  “She came here because John left her half this place.”

  “If you believe that, you aren’t looking close enough.” Robby frowned like Noah had disappointed him.

  The feeling didn’t sit well. “I know why she came,” he admitted. “It still rankles, what John did. I don’t understand it, or her, really.”

  “Getting her into your bed will only allow you to get to know her so much. It leaves the most important parts of her hidden. You really want to know the woman, talk to her. Find out all those secrets she’s keeping.”

  “You think she’s hiding something, too?”

  “Women like their secrets,” Robby said with a smile. “But that one, you only have to look into her eyes to see she’s carrying a heavy burden. If all you want is to get her into your bed, you’ll only cause a rift between you that will make it near impossible to run this ranch together. Raising Annabelle will be pure misery for all of you if you two are at each other’s throats. Get to know the woman, Noah, ease some of that burden she carries, and you might have a shot at a life with a real partner by your side.” Robby took a step away, but turned back. “A woman as beautiful as that should smile more. Since she arrived, I’ve never heard her laugh. Makes you wonder why.”

  “Hello, Robby.” Roxy stepped forward, leading the two horses.

  “Miss Roxy.” Robby tipped his hat to her. “That was a real fine show. Anytime you want to ride, you let me know and I’d be happy to saddle up a horse for you.”

  “Thank you. I appreciate that.”

  “I’ll take these two off your hands.” Robby took both horses, leaving Noah standing with Roxy.

  “Can I have him?”

  Noah tried to focus. “What?”

  “Houdini. Can I have him?”

  He smiled because that’s the name he’d given the escape artist. “What do you want with him?”

  “I’m going to turn him into a world-class jumper. I think I might even have a buyer for him.”

  That got his attention. “You do?”

  “I know someone. He’s got a natural talent for jumping. A few weeks of training and I’ll have him far enough along for my friend to see his potential.”

  “You can train him to jump?” he asked, impressed, if still a bit skeptical.

  She didn’t offer any proof to her claim beyond her confident stare. “Can I have him?”

  “He’s yours. I’d like to see this.”

  “You don’t think I can do it?” Her eyes flashed with hurt to anger in an instant. He didn’t mind her anger, but he hated seeing the hurt.

  “I think you can do whatever you set your mind to. Hell, you redecorated half the house in two days.”

  “That was easy. Nothing but shopping and paint. Houdini needs a lot of work.”

  “No doubt. You’ll probably spend half your time chasing him down,” Noah teased.

  “He’ll come around to my charms soon enough, like you’re starting to,” she teased back, but looked away, uncertain.

  He wanted to draw her out even more, so kept things light. “You’re a hard woman to stay angry at,” he confirmed.

  “You weren’t really angry at me.”

  He hated to admit it, but . . . “It’s not your fault John surprised all of us with you. I have a feeling whatever I dish out, you can take, because wherever you came from, you’ve had a lot to deal with in your life.”

  She took a step back and stared past his shoulder. “Um, I’ve got a lot of work left to do. I need to get back to it.”

  “I make you uncomfortable,” he threw out.

  “I’m not used to . . . Well, this,” she admitted, not really telling him much. “I spend a lot of time alone.”

  “Don’t you have close friends?”

  “A few. You’re right. Life hasn’t been easy for me.” The matter-of-fact tone didn’t add up with her need for him to see the real her and her admitting she didn’t have many friends.

  She didn’t expound on that topic; he wanted to know more, a lot more, so he asked, “Why?”

  “Why all the questions?” Suspicion filled her golden gaze. She eyed him, looking for his angle.

  It clued him in that she didn’t let many people close, because she didn’t know what they really wanted from her.

  Why does she have to guard herself so closely?

  “Whenever Annabelle or I ask about you, you change the subject. John never spoke of you. I’m trying to get to know you. So, I’m asking, why hasn’t life been easy?”

  Taken aback by his bluntness, she bit her bottom lip and looked around to see if anyone else was listening to them, witnessing their exchange. No one in sight, she faced him, opened her mouth to speak, and closed it again.

  He held his hands out wide, then let them drop to his sides again. “You aren’t going to give me anything. You can’t trust me enough to know that whatever you say will remain between us if that’s how you want it?”

  “It’s not that. I don’t know what to say. My life is complicated. Anytime I’ve confided in someone about my past, about my mother, they’ve changed. They lo
ok at me different.”

  Which was why it affected her so deeply when he said he saw her.

  “You don’t know anything about me, except what you’ve learned from our interactions together. Your opinion is based on what you see right in front of you.”

  “And you really think telling me about your past is going to change all that?”

  “I know it will based on my experience with other people. Oh, many have said it doesn’t matter, but in the end, it always does. It’s like an oil slick on water that spreads and coats everything in my life.”

  “Do you want to take a chance I’ll find out some other way? Or do you want to tell me yourself?”

  She put her hands on her hips. “Calling me out?”

  “I’m asking you to take a chance on me.” He’d never cared that a woman held things back from him. He didn’t need to know everything about them to spend time together, sleep with them, and part when the time came.

  Roxy was different. He wished he understood why it was so damn important to have her trust when it had never really mattered with anyone else.

  Roxy inhaled deeply and let out the breath in a whoosh. Resigned, she folded her arms around her waist in more of a hug than a defiant stance. Once the words were out, she wouldn’t be able to take them back. Trust didn’t come easy for her, but Big Mama’s words came back to her.

  Stop thinking with your head and open your heart.

  “John met my mother in Las Vegas. He was there for a rodeo and to sell some horses. He met my mother in the hotel bar.”

  “I take it from what you’ve said, your mother looks like you.” He swept his gaze over her curves.

  Roxy laughed, but without any real mirth. “Yes. And no. We’re about the same height and build, but she’s blonde, blue-eyed, outgoing, and up for any kind of fun.”

  “You’re reserved and shy.”

  “Usually, yes. I’ve had my moments, but I’m careful and cautious, because I know all too well what happens when you’re reckless.”

  Noah folded his arms at his chest and eyed her. “Intriguing. Go on. John. Your mother. A bar,” he coaxed.

  She took another deep breath and pressed on. “They spent that night together and the next. He was out for some frivolous fun.”

  Unable to look Noah in the eye and spit out the rest, she stared at his chest. “My mother is all for encouraging excitement and pleasure to the nth degree. She likes to drink, do drugs, and party. She likes men who want to join her in her wicked pursuits, and who have the money to pay for it.” The silence after she got those words out stretched and made her even more uneasy.

  “She took a shine to John, an obviously wealthy rancher. They had a couple of good nights together. He went home to his ranch, and she went about her partying, until she found out about me. She slowed down during her pregnancy, but mind you, that’s relative in her world.”

  She sneaked a peek at Noah’s frowning face. He didn’t approve. Who would? But this was only the beginning. He still didn’t know the whole ugly truth.

  “When she gave birth to a raven-haired, golden-eyed child, she couldn’t have been more pleased. She knew I belonged to John, but because of her lifestyle couldn’t be sure until I was born.”

  Noah either missed or dismissed the part about the question of her paternity. “How long before she let John know about you?”

  “Candy didn’t wait long.”

  “Candy?” Noah asked, surprised like everyone else that she called her mother by that name.

  “My mother. She goes by Candy. Has since she moved to Vegas at sixteen, a runaway.”

  “Damn, that had to be a hard life for her.”

  Roxy liked that he had the compassion to think about poor, young Candy. “It didn’t help her natural tendencies toward addiction and overindulgence in all things.”

  “So that’s what you’ve been hiding. Your mother is an alcoholic and addict.”

  Roxy gave a short laugh. “Candy would never call herself those things. She doesn’t apologize for the things she does or see anything wrong with her life.” She raked her fingers through her hair, wondering if Noah would hold on to his empathy once he knew the whole truth. “Candy wanted her golden ticket, so she told John I was his. You can’t believe a word that comes out of Candy’s mouth, so John came to see me.”

  “He wanted the DNA test.”

  “I suppose so. My mother said he took one look at me and smiled.”

  Noah stared off into space. “He told me right before he went into the hospital he wanted to have a child of his flesh and blood, his name, run this ranch. I think he was trying to tell me about you.”

  “Maybe.” She couldn’t be sure of John’s motives. She shook off the melancholy threatening to swamp her and pressed on. “Anyway, John didn’t want anyone to know about Candy, so he gave her what she wanted.”

  “A steady income,” Noah finished for her.

  Roxy picked at imaginary lint on her thigh. “You can’t domesticate Candy. The steady income kept Candy in booze and drugs. My mother wasn’t picky back then about her surroundings, so we lived in some rotten dives. More often than not, food was an afterthought. She liked to party, but never alone, so men came and went, oftentimes daily. With the ups and downs that came with her addictions, she could be volatile.”

  “She hit you.” The anger in Noah’s words touched her, but she didn’t let it get to her. Too many times she’d gotten to this part of the story only to have someone turn on her when she finished telling the rest of the tale.

  “On one of John’s visits, he found me a little worse for wear. I was nine. They fought. John left. I only saw him a handful of times and spoke to him by phone a dozen more times after that. It made me angry and bitter. I hated him for leaving me with her.”

  Noah shook his head. “That’s what doesn’t make any sense. The man I knew would never turn his back on a child who needed him. If he knew you were being hurt and you were in danger, he’d have brought you home. I don’t get it.”

  “He had a new wife and a baby on the way.”

  Noah raked his fingers through his hair. “Lisa and Annabelle.”

  “Candy didn’t want to let me go and lose her monthly income. She pointed out that if he brought me home, he’d have to explain where I came from and why no one knew about me. John had told Candy about Lisa, and she knew there was no way in hell Lisa would accept me. Since I met Lisa, I can see she was right.”

  “So John left you with an abusive mother to avoid an argument with Lisa?”

  “No. He left me so he didn’t have to admit to being with Candy and getting her pregnant. He didn’t want Lisa to know he slept with my mother when he visited.”

  Noah frowned even deeper.

  “Candy made it clear that if John brought me here, she’d follow and the lifestyle she had in Vegas would come with her. He didn’t have the courage to face the embarrassment and humiliation. He wanted to keep his marriage to Lisa together and give Annabelle the life he couldn’t give me.”

  “But Annabelle wasn’t his, and he and Lisa divorced.”

  “By then, John got my mother and me to a safe place, and he didn’t want anyone to know where that was either. In my eyes, he chose the son he always wanted and a daughter he didn’t have to explain.”

  Noah raked his fingers through his hair. “He did.”

  She acknowledged that with a simple nod, though it still hurt her heart. “Our relationship became very strained.”

  “So John moved you to the ranch where he sent you the horses?”

  “Yes. My mother lived in the big house, and I lived in the cottage by the stables nearby.”

  Noah cocked his head. His eyes drew together with concern. “You lived alone.”

  “Trust me, it was better that way. I preferred it.”

  “Roxy, you were just a kid.”

  “I hadn’t been just a kid in a long time. Taking care of my mother when she was at her lowest points throughout the years, I learned to ta
ke care of myself. I learned how not to be her.”

  There in the barn, he reached out and stroked his big hand down her hair. The sympathy in his eyes made her heart ache with a need to reach out to him and accept all he wanted to offer.

  “I can’t believe John kept this to himself.” Anger dripped from every word. “I had no idea about you, what you were going through . . .”

  She appreciated the sentiment laced with the same frustration she felt much of her life. “After his nasty divorce, he committed himself to raising you and Annabelle and giving you a good life on this ranch.”

  “And forgot about you?” Disdain filled Noah’s words.

  “He’d sneak onto the Ranch to see me once or twice a year. On my twelfth birthday, John sent me two horses. Until then, I was lonely. More than the horses, he gave me such a gift in them. I spent all my time with them when I wasn’t in school. Over the years, he sent me more horses and I became quite good at training them. John continued to support Candy and me, though he sent us separate checks to ensure I got the money and could buy what I needed. He paid for me to go to college.”

  “So he supported you, but he barely saw you.” Noah frowned in disgust.

  “I didn’t make things easy. Candy made his life a misery.”

  “Sounds like she did the same to you.”

  “She’s very good at it,” Roxy confirmed in a teasing tone, but Noah wouldn’t be coaxed into lightening the mood.

  “I can’t imagine your life. It’s so hard to believe the way you grew up, living alone since you were ten, relying only on yourself and a check from John.”

  “I had a few people looking out for me. John hired someone to help with the horses. I had my sisters.”

  “You have sisters? How many?”

  “Three. Like you and Annabelle, we’re not blood, but chosen. Sonya, Adria, and Juliana. Their mothers work with mine. They checked in with us a lot more than my mother ever did.”

  “If John never wanted anyone to know he’d been with your mother and had you, why did he make you come here now? Why did he insist you stay here and forbid you to leave for more than a few days a month?”