Dirty Little Secret

by Jennifer Ryan

  “I suppose because I’ve always been Candy’s daughter and I don’t care what anyone thinks about that, but John did. Enough that in life he couldn’t bring himself to admit it and stand up to the scrutiny. Instead of facing the inevitable talk and some people’s scorn, he took the coward’s way out and left it to me to tell you.”

  “Tell me what?”

  “The one detail I’ve held back.” And she couldn’t hold it inside any longer. She wanted to tell him. She wanted him to understand. She wanted him to not disappoint her with his judgment or turn his back on her. She wanted someone, him, to finally, truly not judge her and find her guilty for her mother’s sins.

  “John understood better than I did that I was wasting my life trying to save Candy’s. I couldn’t admit to myself, until John forced me to come here, that I can’t save her. No one can. Because she doesn’t want to be saved. She’s Candy, and she’s going to do what she’s going to do whether I approve or try to stop her.”

  “Mary was right. He was taking you away from a destructive life and giving you a better one.”

  “Yes, though it took me a couple days to see that myself.” She looked him in the eye and hoped to ease his mind about what John had done to him. “Noah, he gave me half the ranch because he felt like he owed me. Not the money he left, but the life I could have had if he’d fought for me.”

  “He didn’t fight for you.” His anger showed in every word he bit out.

  She appreciated it. “And I was angry for a long time that he didn’t. I was his true child and I wanted him to choose me.” She hated it when that childish thought filled Noah’s eyes with hurt. “It took time and perspective to learn that blood doesn’t make you more or less someone’s child or mean they love you more or less because of it, Noah. You and Annabelle are his kids just as much as I am.”

  “You said it yourself, we got to have him every day. But that’s because he stayed away from you.”

  “Well, dealing with Candy is like beating your head against a brick wall. You’ll only end up bloody and with a raging headache. He chose to leave me in a life that I knew, rather than make your lives harder. In addition to not wanting to put his marriage in jeopardy and change your lives, John was a respected father and a rancher with wealth and prestige amongst the people of this town and in the rodeo and horse business. Bringing me here would have tarnished his good name—and all of yours. He couldn’t bring himself to do it.”

  “Why?” Noah asked, taking a step toward her.

  “Because,” she began, and stepped around him to grab the file filled with bills and checks. She turned back, faced him head-on, and looked him dead in the eyes. “My mother is a prostitute.”

  Speechless, his mouth dropped open. His eyes left her face, focused on her size 34 double Ds and down her slim waist, flared hips, and toned legs before his gaze came back up to her face. The look in his eyes tore her heart to shreds.

  She pointed at his face. “That look right there, that says that body would make a lot of money. I wonder how many men she’s been with and how much she charges.” Roxy tried to speak though her chest had tightened to the point she could barely breathe. “I tell you she’s a prostitute and you forget everything I told you about how I grew up, went to college, and made my own life. You go right back to the way I look. You can’t help but think it. Question it. Her mother is a hooker. With a body like that and how she was raised, she must be, too.”

  It had been a long time since she allowed herself to hurt like this, but she couldn’t put her crumbled walls back together when the pain grew with every beat of her broken heart.

  Stupid. She thought he was different.

  “All the comments the ranch hands have made are running through your mind. The innuendos they’ve thrown around for days. Tom’s doing, no doubt.” She spoke her suspicions out loud. “He’s the only one who knows about my mother, thanks to John’s will and that damn envelope he left me. Vindictive bastard that he is, Tom’s getting back at me for kneeing him in the nuts. See, he looked at me like you just did, assumed I’m my mother’s daughter, and propositioned me. It’s not the first time it’s happened. I’m sure it won’t be the last. If your men know, I’m sure rumors about me being a prostitute are working their way through the entire town. You better have a talk with Annabelle before it hits the high school.”

  She tamped down the tears clogging her throat and pricking her eyes.

  “Now you know the big secret. John was too embarrassed and ashamed to admit he knocked up a hooker. He didn’t bring me here because God forbid Candy followed through on her threat, moved here, and set up shop. She’s ruined my whole life. Now she’s ruined my chance for a fresh start.”

  “Is that why you told me about your childhood and your mother? Because you knew Tom shot off his mouth, everyone knows, and I’d find out?”

  “You said you wanted to know me. I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me. I told you because I wanted you to know the truth. I hoped you would understand, and not look at me like you just did. My mistake. I was wrong. Again.”

  She turned and walked away, her heart bleeding, her mind denying what she’d seen in Noah’s eyes even though she’d seen the truth. Now that he knew, he changed the way he looked at her, the way he saw her.

  She’d hoped for a new start, but this was just the same shit different place.

  It crushed her because with one kiss she’d thought they might have something worth opening her heart.

  Now she knew better.

  She’d never make that mistake again.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Roxy slammed the office door and fell into the chair behind the desk. Tears filled her eyes and silently trailed down her cheeks. She swiped them away, not wanting to cry because she stupidly thought Noah really cared about her. Enough that he’d listen and understand that what her mother did had nothing to do with her.

  But she’d been wrong. Again.

  She brushed another tear from her cheek and tried to breathe through the heavy pain in her chest.

  For a minute, she’d thought she’d finally found someone who wanted to have a real and honest relationship. Someone who truly wanted to get to know her. Someone who saw her beauty and flaws, understood her, and didn’t turn away but stuck by her side.

  It hurt. And made her incredibly sad because she really liked Noah. She’d seen the way he loved Annabelle and wanted some of that for herself.

  Her gaze landed on the white envelope with her name scrawled across it propped against the pen holder on the desk. She’d put off reading her father’s note too long. There was nothing he could say that would make her feel worse than she did right now.

  She picked it up, slid her finger underneath the flap and across the envelope, and pulled the letter out.

  My beautiful girl, you are and will always be the most precious gift I was given. I wish we’d had more time.

  This is long overdue, but I want you to know, I’m sorry.

  I wanted to be the father you deserved and the man you needed. Because of who you are, your strength and perseverance, you turned out to be an amazing woman. I am so proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. With your kind, generous heart, I know you’ll help Annabelle navigate her way into womanhood and she will be better for having you in her life. I was.

  I hope you find peace, love, and joy on the ranch. I had those things to overflowing every time I was with you. I wish I could be with you now and every day.

  Maybe if I’d followed my mother’s advice I wouldn’t have made so many mistakes in my life . . . or with you.

  Live with purpose. Love with your whole heart. Treat others with kindness and grace. Forgive yourself and others.

  Find someone who loves you as much as I loved you, sweet girl, where every second without you is a misery and every moment with you is a memory that brings a smile.

  If you have that, you have everything that matters.

  Though I wish I’d been with you every day, I
was always watching over you. Even now, I’m with you.

  I love you,

  Dad

  The words blurred as a torrent of tears spilled down her cheeks. She cried out her grief and broken heart. As alone as she’d ever been, she felt her father’s presence and a soft whisper that everything would be all right if she followed his advice and found a little grace and forgave Noah his reaction to her news and didn’t give up so easily on something she wanted so badly.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Again? That one word and all it implied haunted Noah for three long days. He’d thought of nothing else but their conversation in the barn and that one word she said before walking out without a backward glance.

  The look in her eyes; so much pain. A lifetime of people turning their backs and disappointing her. And she’d added him to the list.

  After the moment they shared, that kiss that rocked his world, he’d wanted to get to know her. He’d wanted her to want to open up to him. For a brief time, he had her complete trust. But the second she told him the truth about what her mother did for a living and he’d looked at her like she was a prostitute, too, his betrayal shut out any hope she’d ever let him in again.

  Three days and she still refused to be in his presence or even speak to him.

  It ate at him day and night. His rampant thoughts kept him working like a demon to tire his body and mind so he could put her out of his every thought and dream, but nothing worked.

  Tired of his own company and the quiet in the stable’s office, he headed out, hoping to catch Roxy before dinner.

  He walked down the breezeway and gave up all hope of getting to the house without getting even more pissed off.

  It only took a day for his men to stop making rude remarks and comments within his earshot. All except the one with his back to Noah, his hands hanging over a stall door as he talked to one of the other ranch hands.

  Harry. “She’ll be headed to the practice ring soon. And after . . . I’d like to strip her bare, bend her over one of the saddles in the tack room, fill my hands with those big titties”—he held his hands up like claws—“and fuck her until she screams. I wonder what that will cost me?”

  “Your fucking life.” Noah went blind with rage, ran to Harry, and shoved him away from the gate and onto his ass. Noah tried to go after him, but Robby came out of nowhere and held him back.

  Robby gripped his shirt in both hands and shook him. “Get it together.” Robby leaned in close and whispered, “He’s young and stupid and shooting off his big mouth. You beat the hell out of him, you’ll only make matters worse and end up in jail.”

  If Robby hadn’t stopped him, Noah would have killed Harry in a blind rage. He still didn’t have his head on straight. The urge to go after him still simmered in his blood, but Harry ran for it when Robby intervened.

  Noah needed some space and time to cool down, too, before he addressed the rampant rumors and talk among his men and put a stop to it once and for all.

  He hated that everyone believed a lie. None of them cared to ask her the truth. They all just took one look at her and assumed it had to be true.

  She’d tried her whole life to make people see her without looking through the lens of her mother’s life but never had, it seemed, which made her wary of everyone.

  No wonder she was so guarded, so isolated and alone.

  He saw that now.

  The last few days she’d locked herself away in John’s office and never joined them for dinner.

  She worked late every night, woke early every morning to see Annabelle off to school, then she closeted herself away in the office until he came in for dinner and she sneaked out to work with Houdini, the name everyone on the ranch now called the fence-jumping-escape-artist horse.

  All so she didn’t have to see him.

  Noah forced himself to relax. Robby released him and Noah walked out of the stables without another word. He walked up to the house and entered through the dining room French doors just as the front door banged shut. “There she goes.” His stomach tied into knots and his heart sank.

  She went out of her way to avoid him, and it pained him something fierce. In hurting her, he’d hurt himself.

  Robby saddled Houdini every night, left him tied in the covered practice ring, a dozen jumps set up, and came up to the house to have dinner with the family. That’s why he’d been in the stables minutes ago and stopped Noah from doing something stupid. Like put his fist through Harry’s smart mouth.

  True to her word, Roxy trained Houdini to be a world-class jumper. The men watched, but from all the grumbling he overheard, she never spoke to any of them, but concentrated on her work. Robby said Houdini was coming along. He’d only escaped one other time from his corral, and that time he’d run to Roxy as she walked back from the practice ring.

  “Noah, dinner’s almost ready,” Mary called from behind him.

  He stood in the newly decorated living room. The bright, cheerful yellow walls contrasted with his dark mood. He found himself sprawled on the new, comfortable tan sofa last night watching the game on the new flat screen above the fireplace, because Annabelle had commandeered the TV in the family room to watch some teen vampire series. Really, he’d hoped to catch Roxy coming out of the office, so he could talk to her. He fell asleep on the sofa long before she came out. He did wake up with a blanket draped over him and knew she’d put it there before going off to her room sometime in the early morning hours.

  He watched Roxy through the window cross the yard and head for the practice ring. “I’ll be there in a minute,” he called to Mary, never taking his eyes off Roxy. He only got this short glimpse of her each night and didn’t want to shorten what little time he had to look at her.

  Mary came up behind him. “People are talking, Noah. I was in town, doing the shopping, and several people stopped me to ask about her.”

  Noah turned then, glaring. “Did they come right out and ask if she’s a whore?”

  Mary gasped at his blunt question. “No. That wouldn’t be civilized.”

  “But talking behind her back, spreading rumors, and telling lies is okay?”

  “Did she talk to you? Did she tell you about all this before the rumors started?”

  Noah sighed, glanced one last time out the window, disappointed she was already out of sight, then faced Mary again.

  “I spoke to her on Monday evening, not knowing the rumors had already started.”

  “She was trying to head you off,” Mary guessed.

  “I thought that when the rumors ramped up these last few days, but no. I wanted to get to know her. At first, she avoided my questions, so I pushed.”

  “I’ve seen the way you look at her.” Mary had a certain gleam in her eye. “And the way she looks at you when you’re not looking. The two of you could set the house on fire.”

  “I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. She won’t even be in the same room with me anymore.”

  “Why? What happened?”

  “She trusted me enough to tell me about her life with her mother and I let her down.”

  “Come now, it can’t be all that bad.”

  “Her mother is an alcoholic and an addict who used to hit her. If that’s not bad enough, imagine her life with her mother spending the checks John sent on drugs instead of using it for, oh, I don’t know, food and rent. Roxy spent her childhood taking care of her mother, because she was in no shape to take care of herself most of the time.” He raked his fingers over his head, thinking of the hell that kind of life must have been for her. “But Annabelle and I lived our happy lives here because John turned his back on her. He didn’t want us or anyone else to know he’d paid for sex and knocked up a prostitute. But don’t worry, Roxy completely understands John didn’t want the scandal to touch his young children or ruin his marriage to Lisa.”

  Mary gasped, but that didn’t stop the words from falling from his mouth.

  “Roxy was used to that life, so he just moved her and
her mother to some ranch and left Roxy there to fend for herself, ten years old, alone in some cottage. Well, she has three sisters—friends really, but they lived together as sisters.”

  “Where were their mothers?” Mary asked.

  He shrugged, still unable to process how Roxy managed on her own. “Maybe the other girls’ mothers were around. Roxy didn’t say much about them. Candy lived in another house, away from Roxy, which apparently suited both of them just fine. At that point, John sent one check to her mother and another to Roxy to ensure Roxy’s safety and make sure Roxy had the money she needed to live on.” Noah planted his hands on his hips, hung his head, and sighed.

  “That poor girl. What it must do to her to know her father sacrificed her for both of you and the ranch.”

  “He took the easy way out, and it pisses me off. I can only imagine the hurt and anger she’s suffered. She says she’s come to terms with it. Maybe, but I think it will always be there. Still, John left her in that tumultuous life with Candy.”

  At Mary’s raised brow, Noah explained, “Her mother. I want to kill that bitch for everything she’s done to Roxy. If John was still alive, I’d have a hard time looking him in the eye and not kicking his ass. He hurt her and gave us everything. Then I hurt her with just a look.” The punch to the heart hit him again when he remembered the pain in her eyes. “She told me about her life, confided in me why John brought her here, and I did the one thing everyone does when they find out what her mother is. I looked at Roxy and thought she’d make one damn fine hooker and imagined men would line up for a chance to be with her.”

  From the sound of things in the stables, Harry wanted first dibs.

  Over his dead body.

  “Noah, you didn’t.”

  “Isn’t it funny? Before I knew what her mother is, I thought of Roxy as strong, independent, someone willing to do for others without asking anything for herself. Brave—she didn’t blink when it came to moving here, or standing up to Lisa for Annabelle.” He hung his head. “None of it mattered. As soon as she said her mother is a hooker, I looked at her and all I could think was that she’d make a million bucks with that body.”