Dirty Little Secret

by Jennifer Ryan

  “Noah, don’t do this to yourself. You might have thought that for a moment, but then . . .”

  “That’s just it. There is no but then. Not in her experience. It changes the way you look at her always. She warned me, but trusted I’d be different, that I’d remember the moment we shared minutes before she told me everything. I couldn’t see her through the murkiness of her mother’s life. Not Roxy’s life. Her mother’s.” He slammed the side of his fist into his thigh. “Damnit, who cares who her mother is and what she’s done? That isn’t who Roxy is.”

  Mary put her hand on his arm, but he drew away, not wanting to be touched or consoled for his bad behavior.

  “It was a natural reaction. One you couldn’t control. You barely knew her before all this happened.”

  Didn’t matter. Everything he actually did know about her never led him to believe that about her, but the thoughts still crept in and ruined everything.

  “She never used her body to manipulate me. She never came on to me to stop my anger or bitter remarks about her getting half the ranch. She never flirted with me or any of the other men. She never made suggestive remarks, or flaunted herself in any way. She conducted herself with manners and a directness I admired, because she never complained or whined or made the argument worse.” She wasn’t like any other woman he knew. “When I kissed her, I felt her shyness and the momentary tentativeness that gave way to her settling into me. Not calculation. Not coyness. A real and true reaction to being close to me, a man. Something that was obviously new, or at least not habit.

  “Robby told me that sleeping with a woman doesn’t mean you know her. If I wanted to know the real woman, I’d have to get to know her. He was right and wrong. Having her in my arms, I discovered something very precious about her. Talking to her, I learned the truth, but still believed what I projected onto her.”

  “You’re being too hard on yourself. Talk to her again. Straighten this out. She’ll listen.”

  “Why would she? I showed her who I am, someone who hears the truth, but only sees what everyone else sees when they look at her.”

  “That’s not true and you know it. Maybe you wondered for a second if she was like her mother, but that thought never took root and you remembered who she is and why she’s here.”

  Noah turned and stared out the window again. “That second of doubt will haunt me the rest of my days. It is the single biggest regret of my life. I’ll never top that one second. God help me if I do.”

  “You will regret it even more if you don’t even try to fix things. If you care this deeply for her, it’s worth fixing. Don’t waste a chance at happiness because of a misunderstanding.”

  Noah shifted, folded his arms over his chest, and glanced at Mary. “It’s more than a misunderstanding. I lost her trust, something she doesn’t give lightly or at all. I asked her to open up to me, and I let everything she said be overshadowed by my own stupid thoughts.”

  “You’ll just have to convince her that you don’t think she’s like her mother.”

  “Telling her that isn’t going to change anything when my actions showed her otherwise.”

  “Then action is called for to change her mind,” Mary suggested.

  It took him a minute to understand what she meant. “I don’t think seducing her is going to prove I don’t think she’s a whore.”

  “Not alone it’s not. But putting action and words together might. Have you asked yourself why it matters so much to you that you have her trust, that she opens up to you, that she thinks well of you? When you admit your true feelings to yourself, you’ll find a way to make this right.”

  He ached with every passing second she refused to be in his presence. If he didn’t fix things with her, earn back her trust, and get his hands on her again, he’d spend the rest of his life in pain and misery.

  Was it love to feel this torn up inside over hurting someone?

  Probably. But how would he know for sure unless she gave him a chance to figure it out?

  He no longer cared about his share and her share and how things were divided.

  “I just want to make things right,” he said to himself.

  Mary heard and spoke her mind as usual. “Can’t do that when you’re in here and she’s out there. Talk to her.”

  “I will. Later.” He didn’t want to go down to the practice ring and confront her in front of all the ranch workers who lingered to watch her ride. He wanted to do it when it was just the two of them. Alone.

  Not used to groveling, he wanted privacy when he crawled, and begged, if necessary.

  “You need to speak with Annabelle, Noah, before someone says something to her.”

  “I’ve put it off, but I can’t wait any longer. I’ll go up and speak to her before dinner.”

  He tried to move past Mary, but she grabbed his arm and stopped him. “I hope you work things out with Roxy. Just keep in mind, though Whitefall has grown over the years, it still has a small-town mentality. John’s memory will be tarnished. Some people will only remember that John slept with a prostitute, had a child with her, and estranged himself from his daughter to keep his secret. Until people learn the truth about Roxy, people will shun her for who they think she is and that will reflect on you because they think you’re allowing someone like that to live here.”

  “I lost two sales today. A horse and a shipment of alfalfa.” It infuriated him to listen to his longtime alfalfa and hay buyer explain that he no longer wanted to do business with that woman John had left in charge and that Noah should do everything possible to get control of the ranch back as soon as possible. It was amoral to have someone like her living with good people.

  “Because of Roxy.”

  “Because people are stupid and judgmental. I know the man John was and the woman Roxy is. Annabelle does, too. John brought Roxy here to give her a better life, the one she should have had instead of us. I’ll never forget that he sacrificed her happiness for me and Annabelle.” The guilt settled heavy in his heart. “I swore I’d take care of her. I won’t break that promise to John, no matter how hard she makes it.”

  “Show her that your father raised you to be a better man than he could be for her.”

  Noah appreciated the sentiment but wasn’t feeling like the man Roxy needed at the moment. But he’d find the courage and the words to apologize and see Roxy through this difficult time.

  He left Mary in the living room and trudged up the stairs wondering how he was going to tell Annabelle that Roxy’s mother was a prostitute and everyone in town and on this ranch thought Roxy was, too.

  How the hell am I going to explain this to a fifteen-year-old without getting into a discussion about sex?

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Noah knocked on Annabelle’s bedroom door, but thanks to the earsplitting country music coming from inside, she didn’t hear him. He pounded twice with his fist and opened the door just as the music went silent.

  “Hi, Noah. Dinner ready?”

  He stood in the doorway unable to move. Since the redecorating last Sunday, he hadn’t been in Annabelle’s room. Spellbound, he stared at the transformation Roxy had completed from Annabelle’s bubble-gum-pink palace into a young woman’s retreat.

  “Sprite, your room . . .”

  “Is awesome,” she finished for him. “I’ve been begging you to come see it, but you’re always busy. Isn’t it the best?”

  “Totally.” He used one of her favorite terms. “I really can’t believe it.”

  “Don’t you love the wall color? During the day, it looks light blue, but in the evening when the light is dim, the walls turn this soft pale green. The new drapes are so pretty. Simple. No frills,” she added, making him remember the ruffles.

  The gauzy white drapes allowed the lavender shades behind them to show through. The bed was covered in a white spread with a green vine weaving across it with little purple flowers. White pillows stood against the solid pine headboard and a pale green blanket draped over the end. Beneath
the bed, a thick purple area rug covered a good portion of the hardwood floor.

  “Please tell me she burned the Pepto pink shag carpet,” Noah said with a smile.

  “I seriously think she wanted to. What do you think of the study area she set up for me?”

  In one corner of the room beneath a large window facing the front of the house, Roxy had placed a large round pale green area rug. A white slip-covered chair sat in the corner, a floor lamp with a lavender tulip-shaped shade next to it. Her pine desk was next to the chair, her laptop open, bubbles bouncing across the screen.

  “It’s great, Sprite.”

  “She’s so amazing. I described the kind of room I wanted and she did it. It’s everything I wanted and more. I come in here and I feel so grown-up. Jamie and Kendra are coming over this weekend to see.”

  At the mention of her friends, Noah knew he couldn’t put off their talk any longer. Soon, she’d hear the rumors.

  “Listen, Sprite, we need to talk.”

  “What happened between you and Roxy? She won’t even eat dinner with us.”

  Time to admit the truth and have that talk. “I did something I’m not proud of when I found out about her past.”

  “Did you see her room?” Annabelle often changed the subject when she didn’t want to hear something unpleasant. Usually, it had to do with her mother.

  “No. I haven’t.”

  “It’s even better than I expected. She didn’t buy much for herself, but when she added it to what Dad already had in his room, it’s like a hotel suite.”

  “I’m sure it’s great, but we need to talk about Roxy.” He tried to move them back on track and not think about Roxy’s bed and whether she slept nude or in some skimpy outfit.

  “She’s out riding. Come see. You’ll love it.”

  Before he could refuse, she grabbed his hand and dragged him down the hall.

  “Sprite, we really shouldn’t be in her room without being invited.”

  Annabelle stopped in her tracks and looked back at him with a wide grin on her face. Nope. No hope of having a conversation about Roxy without having one about sex. That devilish smile said so much without her saying a word.

  “This is Roxy’s private space.” He refused to acknowledge her smirk.

  “She’ll never know we were here.”

  Annabelle pushed the door open wide and they stood in the doorway, looking in at Roxy’s bed. Noah stood stunned. The room hadn’t changed all that much. The same deep blue drapes hung at the windows, crystal lamps on the side tables illuminated the new white spread and pillows with a deep blue blanket draped over the end of the bed. None of that held his attention. The dark green throw that belonged to his mother lay pooled in the middle of the bed. The same blanket he’d spread over her the first night she stayed at the house.

  If he could believe his eyes, she’d been sleeping with his blanket every night since.

  “Whatever you said, I don’t think she’s as mad as you think.” Annabelle’s soft voice and words eased his heart and sparked a glimmer of hope. “I think she’s sad.”

  Me, too, without her.

  “I did something stupid and hurt her feelings.”

  “I wasn’t sure I wanted her here,” Annabelle began, “but the last few days have been really great. Not only did she fix my room, but she wakes me up every morning when I know she’s barely gone to bed herself. She helps me pick outfits and do my hair. She gives me tips on my makeup to make it look sophisticated, but not overdone. She listens when I talk to her. The best thing is every morning she walks me to the door and tells me to have a good day. Every afternoon, she comes out of the office when I arrive home and asks me if I had a good day. You and Dad were always here, and I love you both for everything you did for me. With her, it’s different. She makes me feel like I matter.”

  Noah stared down at her. “Honey, you matter to me. More than anything.”

  “I know. It’s just, she’s different. I’ve never had anyone around who’s close to my age and knows about makeup and hair and decorating and talks to me about boys without making it into a lecture. She helps me with my homework and tells me to brush my teeth before bed. She took away my soda yesterday and handed me a bottle of water and an apple and told me to eat better.”

  “She’s the mother you never had.” Noah finally understood what Annabelle was getting at.

  “Mary has been great, but Roxy understands me without my having to say very much. She gets how I feel about my mom.”

  “Has she told you about her mother?” He hoped Roxy had already explained and saved him from an awkward conversation.

  “Not really, just little things about how her mother is selfish and always put Roxy last, if she remembered her at all.” The compassionate look in Annabelle’s eyes said she understood that last horrible part all too well.

  “She’s been on her own a long time, since she was ten. Before that, she was more the caretaker for her mother than the other way around. After, she lived without her mother in a cottage on a ranch John bought her. He wanted her to have a safe place to live with her horses.”

  “Why didn’t he bring her here to live with us?”

  Noah sighed and ran a hand through his already-disheveled hair. Stalling, he scraped his palm over his rough jaw and realized he hadn’t shaved in two days. He remembered the way Roxy’s eyes devoured him when he’d done the same thing days ago.

  Now she couldn’t even look at him.

  “It’s complicated,” Noah responded to her question, unsure how to start this conversation. Annabelle obviously held Roxy in high regard. He didn’t want to tarnish her perception in any way. Not when Roxy had done nothing to warrant it.

  He didn’t want Annabelle to feel the way he did: guilty as hell that John kept them and turned his back on Roxy, then ordered Roxy to stay here and raise Annabelle because—now he could see it—Annabelle needed Roxy.

  “It’s complicated. Code for something you think I’m too young to understand. Noah, I’m fifteen, not five.”

  “I realize that.” He chucked her under the chin and she smiled.

  “Whatever it is, just tell me.”

  “Rumors are circulating around the ranch and town about Roxy. Rumors about her mother and how Roxy was raised.”

  “I’m not surprised.” Annabelle made him think she’d already heard something. “Small towns. Everyone has to know everyone else’s business. She’s new, so everyone is interested. Nothing ever stays a secret in this town.”

  “Well, Tom said something about Roxy he learned from John’s will.”

  “You mean from that envelope John left Roxy. I’ve wondered about it. She shut me down and said it was none of my business.”

  “Stop being nosy,” he admonished. “Tom used that information and started a rumor.”

  “Now it’s gone viral,” Annabelle guessed. “Something small turned into something big.” Noah winced and frowned, prompting Annabelle to add, “I’m in high school. I know how rumors work.” She rolled her eyes expressively and he almost laughed, but this wasn’t funny.

  “The thing is, no one should have found out about this.”

  “You should fire Tom. He’s our lawyer, and whatever information he leaked is privileged.”

  Startled, Noah agreed. Annabelle understood things very well.

  At his surprise, Annabelle remarked, “I’m young, not stupid.”

  “I never thought you were, Sprite. I’m not explaining this very well,” he admitted.

  “Noah. Annabelle. Dinner is ready,” Mary called up the stairs.

  “We’ll be right down,” Annabelle answered. “I get it. Someone said something about Roxy that’s not true. It’s all over town. Like all rumors, I shouldn’t believe it just because someone says it. The important thing here is that you need to fix things with Roxy. Whatever you did, she clearly wishes things between you two were better.”

  Noah followed her gaze to the blanket on the bed.

  “It’s complic
ated.” He didn’t know how to explain his feelings for Roxy.

  They were supposed to be Annabelle’s guardians, her role models. If things between him and Roxy didn’t work out, it could make things hard for all of them going forward. The last few days had been really rough on him.

  “You know what I like about Roxy? She doesn’t answer with lame excuses like it’s complicated. She speaks her mind, tells the truth, and lays it out there no matter what anyone else thinks. So, here’s what I think, Noah. It’s not complicated. You did something wrong. Apologize. As for the rumor, I’m starting to think people in this town need something better to do with their time.”

  “That’s for damn sure,” Noah responded. “About Roxy and me . . .”

  Annabelle put her hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eyes. “I think the two of you would make a great couple. I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her.” Romanticizing things, like only a teenage girl can do, she added, “She’s the one, Noah.”

  “How do you know?” he asked, unsure himself.

  “It’s in the air when you two are in the same room. It’s the look on your face when you see her, even if you’re only watching her out the window.”

  “You’ve seen me watching her?”

  “It’s sweet, actually. Apologize.”

  “It may not be enough.” That truth ate away at him. It immobilized him because he wanted to find the perfect way to do it.

  “Doing nothing gets you nothing.”

  Wise words from his surprisingly sage sister.

  “Flowers might be nice. She likes flowers.”

  He’d never been one to do the whole flowers and gifts thing with women. Funny, he didn’t mind the thought of doing it for Roxy. Maybe the fact that he wanted to please her really did mean she was the one.

  “I’m starving. Let’s eat.” Annabelle dashed down the stairs with all the exuberance of a teen.

  He wished he had her energy. The last few days brooding over Roxy and working himself to exhaustion hadn’t done a damn bit of good. All it did was make him irritable and brought him no closer to fixing things with Roxy.