Love Like Crazy (Crazy Love Book 1)

by Carmen DeSousa

  I crossed the room to Kayla’s side of the bed and knelt down in front of her. She was so beautiful. Her long hair was fanned out over the pillow while she slept. I stroked my hand across her long curls; they were so incredibly soft. Leaning over her, I inhaled deeply, allowing the scent to transport me immediately. My eyes filled; I didn’t want her to be upset with me. I understood her pain. In fact, I assumed it would be months until she was even remotely better. I just needed to be here for her. She’d come around eventually. She couldn’t continue to hold God responsible. And this thing with a lawsuit, it would take years, not to mention drain us financially. Not that I cared about money, she had plenty of it and I was accustomed to not spending money.

  I dropped my head to her forehead. She didn’t open her eyes, but scooted over in the bed and lifted up the sheet and comforter for me to join her. I crawled underneath the warm blankets beside her, and she wrapped her arms around me, burying her head in my chest. I wanted to say, I’m sorry or Everything will be okay after a while, but instead I said, “I’ll stand beside you whatever you decide to do, Kayla.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes,” I said on a long breath, when I wanted to scream, No! Please don’t do this! I should be setting my foot down, and yet here I was, acting like my father when he let my mother have her way, and then she left us. If my dad hadn’t been so passive, if he’d taken control, would she have seen a man in him and not left?

  The sting in my eyes increased. I knew I’d lose my wife to this; there was no way she’d ever be the same. The only thing I could hope was that every attorney would turn her down, but I knew they wouldn’t, not when they realized she had money.

  What if she got pregnant? Would she forget all this nonsense? She probably wasn’t keeping track of the days like I was. I hadn’t wanted her to get pregnant, so I’d been keeping a watchful eye in case the opportunity arose, and right now was prime time. How juvenile. I felt like one of those girls who ensnared their husbands by getting pregnant. Had there ever been a situation where a man purposely tried to get a woman pregnant to keep her close? Then there was the other information I’d researched when I found out her mother was a twin. The chance of Kayla having twins was highly likely. Instant family. The thought scared me to death, but comforted me at the same time. Kayla swore she wanted nothing other than to be a wife and mother. Maybe I could assist her.

  How would I suggest it, though, when we’d fought last night? She must still be angry with me, even though she welcomed me into our bed.

  I ran my finger down the side of her face and she opened her eyes; they were glassy and wonderful. As much as I hated to see her cry, she had the most beautiful eyes, and the color intensified when she cried.

  “Please don’t cry, Kayla.”

  “You’re so wonderful to me, Jesse, and I keep being awful to you.”

  I pressed my lips to her mouth and held them for a second, then pulled back. “You’re not awful to me. You’re in pain. If you can’t yell at me, who else could you yell at?” I couldn’t help but smile.

  She smiled in response, and I pressed my lips against hers again.

  “Jesse,” she whispered in that seductive drawl of hers, pressing closer. “Love me.”

  “I do love you, Kayla. So much it hurts. So much that I’m —” I stopped short. It didn’t do any good to do something selflessly if you announced that it was a sacrifice.

  “I know you love me. I mean, make love to me; make me forget everything.”

  Too easy. I couldn’t do this. “Kayla, we can’t. It’s not the right time.”

  “I don’t care,” she mumbled, moving her lips back to mine.

  “It’s easier for teenagers to get —” She kissed away my words, but I pulled back, and tried again, “Kayla, the chances are extremely high that not only would you get pregnant, but you also might have —”

  She pulled back then, I thought to hear what I was saying, but instead she said, “Jesse, hush up. You think too much.” She smiled to lighten the insult.

  “Fine!” I said aloud, not meaning to. I rolled her over on her back and moved over her. If she didn’t care, neither did I, and I did want her something fierce. It had been forever, it seemed, and I’d hurt after last time. It wasn’t a good idea stopping like that, even though I knew it had been the right thing to do.

  I saw the fire in her eyes and was instantly lost in them. Everything else faded away. Nothing existed in the world but my wife and me, and she wanted me. Making love was natural and beautiful; her body was amazing, created for me and made to love. There was no reason to feel guilty; she wanted this as much as I did.

  Afterward, we lay together, tangled as one in the sheets, just as I’d pictured earlier. My fingers traced circles along her bare back. She had such beautiful skin. It was golden with a slight olive undertone, Mediterranean somehow.

  “Kayla, you look like a Greek goddess lying there.”

  She lifted her head slightly and smiled. “I’ve never heard that one before.”

  “Oh, but you do. Your hair, your skin, your eyes.”

  She sighed. “Hmm… Go on, please.”

  “You’re beautiful, Kayla, and I’m sure you’ll be lovely pregnant.”

  She scowled. “You don’t know that I’ll be pregnant.”

  “Ah, but I do, and furthermore, you didn’t let me finish my comment earlier. You’re going to have twins.”

  “What?” She huffed. “Why would you speak such blasphemy?”

  “I thought that’s what you wanted, Kayla.” My voice sounded hurt even to me.

  “Just because Gram had twins doesn’t mean I will. And just because we made love, doesn’t mean I’m pregnant.”

  “You need to do better research, darlin’.” I grinned, wiggling my eyebrows. “At your age, it’s easy to become pregnant. Why do you think there are so many teenage pregnancies? And yes, I think you’ll have twins. But if you’re not sure, we can try again.”

  “Now you want me to be pregnant? Sometimes I just don’t understand you, Jesse.”

  “I never said I didn’t want you to get pregnant. I said I didn’t want you to feel trapped by being pregnant. I think you’ll make a marvelous mother. But you’re the one who insisted that we didn’t need protection. Is this what you want?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I just don’t care.”

  “Oh, Kayla.” I sighed heavily. What was there to say? I’d made a mistake; I knew she wasn’t well enough to make a decision, and I’d allowed her. I’d been so careful, for so long, doing the right thing, and now, when it mattered more than ever, I’d succumbed to her irrational thought processes. I’d let my hormones and self-preservation stand in the way of making the right decision, and now she didn’t care. The ache climbed up inside of me and looked for a home in my heart. I didn’t want to turn away. I didn’t want to leave her, as she did when she was mad at me, but I didn’t want to see her right now. I closed my eyes and willed for her not to be pregnant. She wasn’t ready.

  “Hey,” she asked, rubbing her hand across my cheek. “What did I say?”

  Fearful she’d see the guilt in my eyes, I couldn’t look at her. Why had I been so careless? I could have refused her.

  Her lips on my forehead, she nudged up my head. “Please don’t be upset with me. Whatever you thought I meant, I’m sure it came out wrong.”

  I kept my eyes shuttered. “I’m not upset with you, Kayla. I’m upset with myself.”

  “Will you look at me, please?” she pleaded, her breath hitching. “Why are you upset?”

  I opened my eyes. She was crying again. Great! More reasons to feel guilty. “Because I need you to care. This is exactly what I was afraid of. It’s when people don’t care that they make poor decisions. When you said you didn’t care earlier, I thought you really didn’t mind getting pregnant, that you were ready to start a family with me, but just now when you said you didn’t care … That’s a different kind of not caring and, frankly, it scares me. So yes, I’m up
set that I allowed myself to screw up.”

  I pulled myself up and threw my legs over the side of the bed. So much for our pleasant morning. Again, my mistake. What had I expected?

  “Jesse,” she choked out through a breath. “Please don’t leave me.”

  Exasperated, I dropped my head in my hands and just stared at the floor. “I’m not going anywhere. Can’t you see that? Why can’t you understand? I just want what’s best for us, and I feel like I keep messing up.” I turned to look at her. “Do you really not care, Kayla? I can handle anything but that.” How had we gone from making love, to her being a Greek goddess, to arguing? Maybe I was a know-it-all. Maybe I just needed to stop talking.

  She rested her head on my shoulder. Her warm breath drifted across my skin. She would drive me insane eventually, I was certain.

  “I do care, Jesse. I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t know what I meant.”

  Tired of always guessing, constantly wondering what I should do, I whipped around, facing her. I just wanted her. I didn’t care about anything else. I was done worrying. I grabbed her up and rolled her over on her back.

  “Listen to me and listen to me good, Kayla. I’m not leaving you, ever, and I do care. I’m tired of doubt, and I’m tired of miscommunication. We keep promising that we won’t do this to each other, but then fall right into that trap. We’re both sad, and with good reason, but I’m not going to let this destroy us. Do you hear me? I love you.” I pressed my lips hard against hers. “I want you to care about everything. Do you understand? I don’t want you to be numb, but I don’t want you to take on a fight either. I want my wife back!” I pressed my body against hers, engulfing her mouth. I wouldn’t back down again; I’d fight to the death. John would have wanted it that way. She’d just have to deal with it.

  She said nothing in response. I rolled off of her onto my side, afraid that I was being too aggressive, and propped up my head with one hand, daring her to respond.

  She said nothing.

  I wanted this, I realized. I knew we were young, but I wanted her to be pregnant.

  I pulled the sheet back and trailed my hand over her stomach. What would it be like? Would I still want her as much when she was pregnant? I felt a surge of joy rush through me as I really thought about it. Why didn’t it bother me? I should be terrified, but I wasn’t. Instead, I felt bliss.

  She peeked up at me. “I’m not pregnant, Jesse.”

  “Would you care if you were?” I challenged, cocking my head to one side.

  She measured her words before speaking. “No. But not in a bad way.” She rolled to her side and stared up at me, eyes wide. “You want this, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” I said on a sigh. “I do. I don’t know why, but all of a sudden, I do. Maybe it’s because I don’t remember having much of a childhood. There were only a few good years, and then it was gone. I’ll be a good father, Kayla.”

  “I know you will, Jesse; that’s why I don’t care. If I’m pregnant, fine, but I’m not going to worry about whether I am or not.”

  “But will you be happy if you are?”

  “I won’t be unhappy.” She shrugged. “I’ve only been around older children. I’ve never been around babies.”

  “Can we make love again, then?”

  “Right now?”

  “Yes, please. I can’t tell you how much I want you right now. It’s been building up inside me for so long that I’d be content if we never left our bed.”

  “Of course,” but she paused, “Jesse, no offense, but you’re kinda strange, you know.”

  I laughed. “I know. Unlike your comment to me earlier, it’s not the first time I’ve heard that. I should have been born in the forties or fifties, I think.”

  “Jesse, shush please,” she muttered, moving her mouth over mine. “Just hold me.”

  Monday morning, decision time. I had to start working; I couldn’t let the business fall apart. Then where would we be?

  It was five a.m., and Kayla hadn’t woken up yet. She’d had a dreadful night’s sleep; I’d had to wake her from nightmares several times.

  I ran my hand down the side of her cheek and pushed her hair back off her face. Her eyes opened and her face displayed the same expression that she’d worn every morning since John died. The restrained realization that everything that had happened wasn’t a dream, that her father was really gone. She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. I wondered if I’d ever see the youthful, energetic Kayla again.

  “How do you feel this morning?”

  She shrugged, taking in a ragged breath and then letting it out.

  “Would you like me to take care of the horses?”

  “No, I have to get up to go to school anyway.”

  “Are you sure, Kayla? If you’re not ready, you can come with me today.”

  She shook her head. “No, I need to do this.”

  “Well then, I’ll help you with the horses and then we can both try to continue with our responsibilities.” I kissed her lightly, then pulled back to gauge her expression. Her face was blank and she said nothing in response, just rolled out of bed. I let her go without comment. As hard as it was to let her go, I needed to relax and let her do what she needed to do to get through the day. I’d be here if she fell.

  Two hours later, after tending to the horses, showering, and eating breakfast, we walked out of the house. Silently, she headed toward her truck.

  I grabbed her from behind and turned her to face me. “Kayla O’Brien, I’m going to miss you too, you know. Please don’t leave without kissing me goodbye.” She’d been trying to hide her tears. “Oh, baby, please don’t hide your suffering. I’m here. We don’t have to do anything.”

  “I have to go, Jesse. You have to go. We have to get back to life. I’m sorry. I just didn’t want you to see me cry. I know it’ll make it harder on you.”

  “I don’t want you driving like this. Should I drop you off and pick you up?”

  “No. I’m gonna do this. Let me do this, please.”

  “Okay, but promise me, if you get too upset, you’ll call me. No matter what I’m doing, I’ll come and get you. Please don’t think that you have to endure anything for my sake.” I pulled her into my arms and held her tight. “I love you, Kayla. Do you have any idea what it would do to me if something happened to you?” She nodded against my chest. “Please be okay, for me.”

  “I will, Jesse. This is the first step.” I let her go, and she afforded me one final kiss before leaving. I followed her to her truck and closed the door behind her. She rolled down the window and offered me a small smile. “I love you too, Jesse. Please don’t worry about me.”

  I smiled back and stuck my head through the window. “Yeah, like I’m ever gonna stop worrying about you. Just please be careful. There aren’t too many things I can’t live without in life, you just so happen to be at the top of the list. Along with breathing, food, and water, and somehow I think losing you would kill me faster than lack of food or water.”

  She sighed, attempting a smile, and the crying seemed to cease, if only for a few seconds. Stepping back, I watched her drive off.

  I made it through my morning easily enough. Kayla hadn’t called or texted, so I hoped that she was okay. Jan had mapped out the locations for me to visit, and I found myself up and running with barely any time to think. I settled for a smoothie for lunch so I could continue to work on finding a contractor to build our barn. We needed it soon. The time spent driving back and forth, not to mention Kayla having to keep going back to the house, was just too much. It was three, and I could see how easy it would be to continue to work, but John’s words echoed in my mind. I needed to go home.

  Kayla was on the porch when I drove up. She skipped the steps and ran to the truck. My heart swelled. This was my Kayla. I barely had the door open, and she was climbing up to reach me.

  “Wow!” I marveled. “I could get used to this.”

  “Jesse!” she squealed with delight. “I missed you, and I’m s
o excited. I want to talk to you.”

  “What happened?”

  “I decided I’m going to finish high school, and in January, I’m going to start online courses.”

  “Really? In what?” I asked, attempting to keep all suspicion off my face and remain positive.

  “Law,” she announced matter-of-factly. “I don’t need a fancy law degree from Harvard. Liberty has one of the best law schools in the nation, and I can do everything from home.”

  Now I understood. Her dad wasn’t kidding. She was the most tenacious person I’d ever met. She wanted to take on a multi-billion-dollar company on her own. I did my best to sound excited. After all, I was the one who’d pushed her to do what she wanted. Now I wished I hadn’t. But this had to be better than trying to open a case now. It’d take years to finish law school; by then, wouldn’t the fire for revenge have subsided?

  “I think that’s a fantastic idea!” I heard myself saying, realizing I really was happy. A goal would keep her mind occupied, and at least she’d be home.

  “You do?” she asked, sounding shocked.

  “Yes, I do. I told you I want you to be happy and do what you want. But the fact that you’re doing this online means I still have you here with me, so I get the best of both worlds.”

  She took my hand and pulled me into the house. It smelled like home. “And here I tried to make you a great dinner to mush you all up in case you were upset.”

  “It smells delicious. What is it?”

  “Lasagna with salad and garlic bread,” she said, and I could hear her excitement. “Come sit down.”

  I pulled her into my arms. “Isn’t lasagna better after it sits for an hour?”

  “That’s what they say. Why?”