Lost in You

by Lexi Blake

  Kim stared at her with wide eyes. “Whoa. This is a serious thing.”

  “I told you it wasn’t.”

  “Which is precisely how I know it is. Who is he? Come on, Ari, you know you need to talk about things. Do you have someone you can talk to? Kayla Summers?” Kim asked.

  She couldn’t talk to Kay because Kay was far too close to the lads and she was a horrible gossip. Though apparently everyone knew there was something between her and Robert. “His name is Robert and I’m attracted to him.”

  “Robert.” She seemed to go through her memory. “He’s the one who was found with Theo Taggart. He’s been out for longer than the rest of them. So you’re sweet on him.”

  Ariel sighed. “I suppose I am. I don’t know why, but he moves me in a way no one has for a long time. Maybe ever. It can’t happen though.”

  “Why?”

  “Because we work together.”

  Kim shrugged. “Who do you see outside of work that you might be able to date? You live in the building where you work. You spend all your time with your coworkers, so unless you’re planning on living the celibate life, I’m not sure where you’re going to find a partner.”

  She wasn’t wrong. “I’ve met several lovely men through the club attached to my office.”

  “And yet you haven’t dated any of them.”

  Because she couldn’t get Robert out of her brain. “I’ve certainly played with a few.”

  “Have you slept with anyone?” Kim kept up the questions.

  There was only one answer to that question. “No.”

  “Is he kind, Ari? Is he a good man?”

  She felt the beginnings of tears pulse behind her eyes and tried to banish them. “He’s a good man.”

  He made her feel. He made her feel so much and it scared her.

  “Is Damon opposed to you seeing him?” Kim wouldn’t give up.

  She’d thought about this a lot as she lay awake at night, wondering how Robert was doing. He had trouble sleeping at times. Nightmares. He was plagued with nightmares he didn’t understand because he had no idea what he’d been through in his life. “I haven’t talked to Damon about how I feel. He’s never had a problem with it before. After all, he worked with Penny before they got married.” And now they were happy and settled and had a lovely son. They were thinking about getting a place in the country. They were going to have a life.

  She was only a few years younger than Penny and she wasn’t even close to having a family. By this time in her life, her mother had already immigrated to England from Nigeria with her father. At Ariel’s age, her mother had been pregnant with her. Ariel spent her nights playing with Doms she knew she wasn’t going to sleep with, and it was all starting to feel empty.

  Who was she fooling? It wasn’t her age that made her feel empty. It had started the day she’d met Robert and he’d looked at her like she was the sun in the sky. For a moment, she’d felt that way, like she was the center of the world and not some supporting player in another person’s story.

  “Ari, if you care about this guy you have to go for it. Can you move him to another therapist? Is it an ethical thing to date patients, even if they are no longer your patient?”

  She’d already moved him off personal sessions. He was talking to another therapist, one in Dallas. They had sessions over the computer. But she still regularly worked with him.

  There was far too much sexual chemistry between them for either to ignore. She was getting sick of pretending like it wasn’t there between them, that mystical tug that whispered to her this time would be different, this time would be good. “Robert is in a transitional phase of his life.”

  Kim nodded. “He’s transitioning from a mindless zombie soldier to a dude who doesn’t know what he did before he was a mindless zombie soldier. I think that was a pretty quick transition. One minute he was getting his mind erased and the next he’s got a nice place in The Garden and likely takes a lot of shit from Taggart. I haven’t met the man personally, but he’s got a reputation.”

  Robert had actually figured out how to handle Taggart quickly. He let all that sarcasm flow right off his back. He didn’t let Tag bug him at all. He was cool and composed and had slid into a leadership position. All the men looked to Robert. He was the big brother of the group and he didn’t seem to mind the responsibility. “He wasn’t a zombie soldier and he was never mindless. He was forced to commit crimes and he has to deal with that. He still has nightmares.”

  “You don’t want to date him because he has nightmares?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to date him,” Ari explained. “I think it could be a bad idea. What if it doesn’t work out? We live in the same building.”

  “So you think he could be an evil ex? You know Beck and I lived together and worked together. It was apparently easy to stop doing that. We untangled hard and fast. Do you think Robert would give you trouble?”

  “Never.” Robert was one of the most honorable men she’d ever met. It was one of the things that attracted her to him. Somehow, even through all that pain he’d experienced, even with his memories being erased again and again, he’d kept a core of goodness in his soul. The doctor had forced him to rob banks, but she’d never been able to warp his soul. “Robert would never hurt me. I know I would tell anyone else that she was being naïve, that anyone can hurt another person if they’re pushed too hard, but I believe that of Robert. I don’t think he could ever willingly hurt me.”

  “He sounds amazing and you should go for it.” Kim leaned over and put a hand on her shoulder. “You can’t let these moments pass you by. You have to be brave. I wish I’d been braver. I wish I’d fought harder for Beck.”

  But guilt had weighed her friend down. “He should never have blamed you for his brother’s death. You couldn’t have known what was going to happen.”

  She shook her head. “That’s ancient history and we need to talk about the now. Beck had his reasons and I suppose I had mine for walking away. But if a man you might be able to love is standing in front of you, don’t push him away because it doesn’t feel like the right time. Time is a funny thing. We always think we have time, and then we open our eyes and wonder where it all went. You deserve to find happiness. I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more. You’ve helped so many people find their way out of darkness, you need some light for yourself.”

  She couldn’t help the tears that pooled in her eyes now. Robert was a light in the world. He was a man who’d looked into the heart of darkness and still been able to turn away.

  What would it hurt to try? The only thing she was truly risking would be her heart, and she knew very well that a heart wasn’t worth much if a person never risked it.

  She sniffled. “I don’t even know how to date anymore.”

  Kim’s face lit up. “We should game-plan. Over drinks. I used to be a super-good wingman. I know I can’t go with you, and you’ll pretend like I don’t exist at all to your friends at The Garden, but I can help prep you.”

  She held her friend’s hand. “Damon knows what I used to do and who I worked with. He also knows I’m here with you today. I don’t keep secrets from him. I keep quiet about it because it might make the others uncomfortable to know their friendly shrink used to be MI6’s go-to assassin.” She glanced out the window and her heart rate ticked up slightly. Ah, sweet adrenaline. It helped her focus. “There he is.”

  Kim picked up the sniper rifle she’d brought along for the assignment. “Thank god. These people will be back at some point in time and then we’ll have a lot of explaining to do. Although I’d like to ask a couple of questions about their choice of lube. This is a ridiculously expensive hotel. They could upgrade the lube. Poor woman. Can you ID him?”

  She didn’t have time to think about the people whose room they’d broken into. She could only hope they were out enjoying the Parisian day for at least another twenty minutes or so.

  She was on this particular mission because the Agency needed a posit
ive ID before they assassinated someone. It wouldn’t do to get it wrong, and she was the only one who’d seen this notorious bomb maker in person. She watched as the hotel employees opened the car door and helped the man out. They were solicitous to the man responsible for at least a thousand deaths. He made bombs and weapons for jihadists around the world.

  “Give it to me. I’m a better shot. You get ready to go,” Ari said. A little more blood wouldn’t hurt, and she really hated this guy. He made his money off the suffering of others. “I’ve got a positive ID and I’m going to finish this job.”

  Kim turned over the rifle and Ari did what came naturally. She’d done it so many times her muscle memory took over and she was in position in seconds. Thank god the windows opened in hotels in France. If she was in the States it would have been much harder. Here, she lined up her shot and took it. She didn’t even spray the valet.

  Now it was time to take her own shot. With Robert.

  She handed the rifle over to Kim as the shouting started. “Time to go.”

  Kim had the rifle in pieces in seconds and stashed in her massive bag. “Meet you at that little café by the Louvre for drinks?”

  “Sure.” She could go back tomorrow morning. It would be good to have some girl time. The truth was she could use some advice and she wasn’t ready to get it from anyone on her team. “I’ll head out the south entrance. See you there.”

  She stepped out of their borrowed room and walked toward the stairs, a bounce in her step.

  Robert should watch out because she was coming for him.

  * * * *

  Robert watched from the fourth floor as Ariel strode through the doors of The Garden, wheeling her overnight bag behind her. She’d only been gone two days, taking off to see some friends in Paris, but it had felt like forever to him. Somehow she’d become necessary to his everyday sanity. Seeing Ariel—even when he didn’t get a chance to talk to her—was the best part of his day, so he’d felt every one of those forty-eight hours.

  “You know the word stalker comes to mind when I think of you,” a sarcastic voice said. Jax. Though honestly it could have been any of them. They were all sarcastic bastards.

  “I was standing here and she walked in.”

  On the floor below them, Penny walked out with her son on her hip. Ariel immediately opened her arms.

  “Sure you were. You didn’t remember that we were told when to expect her back. It’s mere coincidence. Nothing more.” Jax leaned on the railing, looking down where the women were talking and laughing.

  “I wanted to make sure she’s okay.”

  “Hah, I win,” another voice said. Tucker moved to his other side.

  Jax frowned Tucker’s way. “You don’t win because no one was willing to bet that he wouldn’t be here. He’s probably been here since the morning meeting because we didn’t know exactly when she was coming back. I don’t know what he was worried about. She went to Paris. According to Kay, it’s a magical place where shopping is a sport and nothing bad ever happens.”

  “Tell that to Marie Antoinette.” It was odd how easy it could be to remember facts about other people’s lives. History came quite easily to him, but he couldn’t remember if he had any family. He couldn’t remember his own damn name. He was Robert. What she’d named him. Some of the others had taken new names, but he’d kept his. His name—even though it had been given to him by the very woman who’d taken his personal history—was the only thing of any permanency he’d had in his short life.

  That and pain. Fear. Desolation.

  “I don’t like Paris.” Tucker turned away from the scene playing out below. He grimaced and put a hand to his head.

  Robert knew that look well. “You’re trying to catch a thought, aren’t you? Let it go or you’ll end up getting a migraine. We’ve got work to do.”

  Jax crossed his arms over his chest and a stubborn glint hit his eyes. “So we’re supposed to accept it? We’re supposed to be okay with the fact that we’re never getting our memories back?”

  He turned away from Ariel. He seemed to be doing that a lot. His men needed him, and it was a bad idea to get involved with someone as lovely and gentle as Ariel Adisa. If he ever exploded the way he knew he could, she would be caught in his aftershock, and he didn’t want that for her.

  He’d never told her that he dreamed of killing at night. He dreamed of wrapping his hands around a delicate throat and squeezing.

  It wasn’t an unpleasant dream.

  There was something damaged inside him, and he wasn’t sure any amount of therapy could fix it. It didn’t help that he was forced to hide inside The Garden since the minute he stepped outside there was the possibility that some rogue intelligence operative would kidnap him. They would hand him over for experimentation in an attempt to figure out what Hope McDonald had done.

  Ariel would be collateral damage.

  “No, but we’ve already gone over this,” he pointed out. “Trying to force a memory doesn’t work. You have to let it flow over you. Write down everything you remember and we’ll start rebuilding our pasts from there. I know it’s a long process, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

  “Yeah, well my life was ruined in a second,” Jax replied. “I’m going to hit the gym and then I’ve got some work to do. Damon put me on a corporate espionage case. I wish I could go onsite, but I’ll be going through about half a million lines of code instead. Movie tonight?”

  He nodded. It was good to stay busy. It would keep his mind off the fact that The Garden would be open for play and Ariel would be down there. Well, it wouldn’t make him forget, but it would give him something to do beyond creeping on her. “I’ll see you there.”

  Tucker sighed and seemed to relax a bit. “I’ll stay away from Paris. That won’t be hard since I don’t go anywhere.”

  That could be changing. “Damon and Big Tag have been talking about loosening the leash a bit. They think it might be safe for us to go to Dallas if we’re with a senior agent.”

  Tucker’s eyes went wide. “Seriously?”

  “Don’t get your hopes up. We’re not entirely sure yet, but we’ve been cooperating with the Agency and MI6. We’ve shared intelligence and been open in interviews with them.” It was odd but he didn’t want to be the one to go. He had friends in Dallas. Some of his only good memories were of his time in Dallas.

  The doors to the elevator opened and the reason he wanted to stay right where he was walked out.

  God, she was beautiful. Ariel was the single most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, with her halo of dark hair and doe-like brown eyes. Her skin seemed to be made of velvety night, and when the light hit it, he could see jewel tones in her sweet flesh. He dreamed about what her skin would look like pressed to his.

  If only he didn’t dream of other things…

  “Hey, Ari.” Tucker had perked up, the way he always did around a woman. Tucker didn’t discriminate. He would flirt with any female. Young, old. Perfectly attractive or gorgeous in her own way. Tucker seemed to need female attention. “How was your shopping trip?”

  Robert had been like that when he’d first been rescued. He’d viewed females as comfort objects. Now he only wanted one, and she was the one he couldn’t have.

  Ariel smiled Tucker’s way. “It was excellent. I got some great deals.” She turned to Robert. “Can I see you in my office for a moment? I know we’re supposed to meet in an hour, but you’re the only person I’m meeting with this afternoon. Do you have time now?”

  Did he have time? Maybe that was the only thing he had to give her.

  “Of course.” They were supposed to talk about who might be ready to go visit Dallas. Big Tag wanted some time with the men.

  “I’ll go find Owen,” Tucker offered. “And not think about Paris so my head doesn’t explode. See you tonight. Maybe we can get pizza. We’ve only gone through fifty of the one-thousand, three-hundred-and-one combos.”

  His gut clenched at the thought because Tucker tended to get stuck on
things. When they’d started the great pizza experiment, he’d thought they would work their way through a couple, deciding what they did or didn’t like. Pepperoni? Sausage? Tucker was on a quest to try them all in every combination possible. He couldn’t seem to make Tucker understand that adding mushrooms to anchovies didn’t make them less gross. Still, he had an odd soft spot for Tucker. “Of course.”

  Tucker jogged down the hallway that would take him to the offices they were using while they worked. Damon gave them investigative tasks, and a couple of the boys had taken to it quite well.

  He followed Ariel to the other side of the building. The Garden had a huge atrium in the center of the building, and every floor looked down on it. Ariel’s lush offices were on the opposite side of theirs. Their offices were decorated mostly in white boards someone always drew dicks on, but Ariel’s was a work of art. It was a temple to peace and serenity, much like the woman herself.

  He stepped inside as she turned the lights on and rolled her suitcase next to the door.

  “Why is Tucker avoiding Paris?” Ariel asked, turning to him.

  Normally she would sit behind her desk and he would take the big chair in front of it. There was a space with couches that allowed for a more intimate setting, but he’d always chosen to keep the desk between them. “I mentioned you’d spent the last couple of days there and he said he didn’t like Paris. Then he did what so often happens to us.”

  She pursed her sensual lips and nodded. “He tried to figure out why he didn’t like Paris and started to get a headache. You must have caught him quite early. A few months ago he would have been retching even at the thought.”

  They’d been in bad shape the days after they’d been rescued. Ariel had helped them all through. She’d been by Robert’s side, taking care of each of the men. She’d worked closely with him because he’d been through all of it. He’d been rescued long before they’d found there was a secondary site.