by D Gourlay
“Well if I wasn’t hungry before, I’m bloody ravenous now.” He pants a little while later, lying naked next to me.
I giggle softly, trying to catch my breath.
“I’m going for a shower.” I say as I get up and swing my legs out of bed. “You coming?” I look behind me but he is already half way out of bed.
“Well, obviously.” He smiles.
Our morning consists of breakfast then another long walk through the city. My legs are still utterly exhausted from yesterday and Tad suggests we go back to the hotel, have a hot bath, and come out again this evening.
Tad has run me a hot bubble bath in the extra deep tub and I’m just tying my hair up when I hear my phone vibrating from next to the sink.
I look over, expecting to maybe see Mum or Celine’s name on the screen, and my legs almost give way when I see DCI Robins name.
I reach out with a shaking hand and answer the call.
“Hello?”
“Rachel, hi. I’m so sorry to be calling you. I tried to stop by your house but there was no answer.”
“Oh, uh, I’m in New York. On my honeymoon actually.” My voice shakes slightly. There can be no good reason for him calling me.
“Oh. Again, I’m so sorry to be calling you. I just thought you should hear this from me before it gets out.” He pauses and I almost can’t breathe.
“Before what gets out?”
“Kevin tried to commit suicide this morning.” He breathes heavily down the phone and I have to sit on the side of the bath. “He wasn’t successful, and he is currently in hospital recovering. He will have some psychiatric evaluations before he is released back to the prison.”
“Suicide? Kevin? No, he wouldn’t…” I trail off.
“Well that’s how it looks. Prison does strange things to people.”
I can’t speak. This makes no sense at all. Kevin would never, ever try to kill himself. He may be mad, but he is not suicidal…
“Rachel again, I’m so sorry to have interrupted your honeymoon. Like I said, I just didn’t want you to see something on the news and be shocked.” He pauses for me to say something but I can’t form any words. “I’ll keep you updated, and let you go. Congratulations Rachel.”
I hang up the phone and just sit in silence for a few minutes until Tad walks in.
“What’s wrong?” His eyes narrow in concern and he kneels in front of me.
“Uh, that was Robins.” His eyes immediately open wider and he waits for me to explain. “Kevin tried to kill himself. He is in hospital.”
Tad’s face screws up slightly and he exhales loudly.
“Pity he couldn’t get that one thing right.” He mumbles under his breath.
“No, Tad. There is not a chance in this world he tried to kill himself. He is not, would never be like that.” I say, almost angrily.
“What, you think someone hurt him? And you’re worried about that why? After everything he has done? Everything he has put you and Ami through?!” He stands and furiously runs his hands through his hair.
“No, I’m not worried. Not about him.” I stand and fold my arms. “I’m worried that he is up to something. That he has done all of this for some other reason.”
“Rach, you have to stop giving him so much credit. He’s not some evil genius. He is a psycho who has been caught and locked up and he probably hasn’t taken it well. It’s not like you have any idea how he has been coping in there, do you?”
And there it is, the perfect opportunity to come clean with him about me going to visit him. I open my mouth and try to speak but I just can’t say it. Tad’s eyes look like they see straight through me, and his face falls. He almost looks disappointed, like he already knows.
“No, I wouldn’t know.” I lie and I fucking hate myself for it.
Anger flashes across Tad’s face for a split second, and I know. He knows I’m lying.
I just stand there silently, chewing my lip so hard I taste blood. He takes a deep breath and his face falls.
“We should go home. There’s too much going on right now.”
“No Tad, I-”
“Look Rach,” he steps closer to me and pulls me to his chest. “I don’t want to leave, but your mind is going to be elsewhere if we stay here. And so will mine.”
I feel my eyes start to fill and my bottom lip quivers. Tad holds to close to his chest and I let out a sob.
“It’s not fair.” I cry into his chest. “He shouldn’t be able to affect our lives at all now. When is this going to end?” We sink to the floor of the bathroom and Tad just strokes my hair as I cry into him.
Chapter Sixteen
Tad managed to get us on a flight that evening, and we were home the next day. The flight was absolutely nowhere near as exciting as the first time, and I spent most of it trying to cry quietly so I wouldn’t wake Tad.
Tad and I have hardly spoken two words to each other since we got back. The atmosphere has been horrific.
I phoned Mum and ended up in floods of tears on the phone to her. I told her about Kevin, about how we had to come home early. She tried to be sympathetic, but it was obvious she didn’t really understand my concern. She assumes the same as Tad that he just ended up depressed in prison.
I wish I felt that way, I wish I could just accept what everyone is telling me. But I have such an awful feeling in my gut that I just can’t shift no matter how hard I try.
The doorbell goes and I quickly hurry to the door when I can hear Ami’s voice.
“Mum!” She throws herself into my arms and hugs me tight. Dad is behind her, concern etched on his face.
They come in and Ami begins telling me what she has been up to for the last couple of days.
“Why did you come home early?” She asks innocently, and my heart is in my throat.
I look between Dad and in the direction of Tad’s office, and decide that I’m going to have to tell her.
“Well, I got a phone call while I was gone, about your Dad.” I pause to look at her and she sits silently, face serious, waiting for me to continue. “There was a, uh, an accident, and your Dad is in hospital.”
“Oh.” She says expressionless. “Is he okay?”
“Yes, well I think so. He is still in hospital. The detective told me he would keep me updated.”
She looks deep in thought for a moment. “What happened?”
“I’m not really sure baby.” And at least it isn’t a complete lie. I don’t know exactly what happened. I hadn’t asked for details. “Are you okay?” I grab her hand and can see Dad shifting uncomfortably from next to her.
She simply shrugs. “Yeah, I mean, he’s a bad man, but I don’t want him to die or anything.” She looks at me with wide eyes. “That’s okay isn’t it?”
I pull her into my arms. “Of course it is. No matter what he has done he is still your Dad.”
She pulls away after a moment and informs Dad and I she’s going upstairs to unpack.
“She will be okay.” Dad says, watching me intently as I watch her skip up the stairs.
I sigh and lower my head. “She shouldn’t have all of this to deal with. It’s not fair.”
“Life isn’t fair sometimes princess. It’s how we deal with it that shows our strength, and you two are incredibly strong. Whatever happens next, you’ll get through it.” I smile at my Dad and he gives my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. “Where’s Tad?” He asks looking around.
“Oh, in his office.” I sigh. “I think he’s a bit pissed off with me.”
“What makes you say that?”
“We haven’t really spoken since we got home. I mean, I get it. We had to cut our honeymoon short because of Kevin. Just one more thing he has ruined for us.” I snap.
“I know it’s hard. But you need to try and forget about Kevin. Ignore everything he does, and just get on with your life. You’ll never be able to move on properly if you let him hold you back like this.” Dad says, with kind eyes and I take a deep breath in, about to argue my point
, but I decide against it.
“I know.” I smile and Dad pats me softly on the back as he stands.
“I need to get back, but you know where we are if you need us. Anytime princess.” I stand and wrap my arms around him.
“Thanks Daddy.”
Tad appeared from his office for dinner, and he and Ami are now playing on the PlayStation. They are laughing and joking and it does seem to help the shitty atmosphere in the house.
“Ami, time for bed baby.” I poke my head around the door and call to her.
“Oh Mum, five minutes, please?” She pleads with me.
“You said that ten minutes ago, bed now.” I walk and stand in front of her and Tad, and he pauses their game.
“We can play again tomorrow Aims.” Tad says softly to her.
“Fine.” She huffs, slamming the control pad down on the sofa next to her.
“I’ll be up in a minute. Don’t forget to do your teeth.” I call after her as she slopes up the stairs.
“Hey.” I say quietly as I sit next to Tad on the sofa. “You’ve been busy since we got back.”
“Yeah, sorry, loads of work to get through.” He sounds distant and it hurts me.
“Look Tad I-”
“Mum, I can’t find the toothpaste!” Ami interrupts as she shouts down the stairs.
“It’s in the same place as it normally is.” I listen to her footsteps going back to the bathroom and turn back to talk to Tad.
Just as I’m about to open my mouth, she is shouting again.
“It’s not there!”
“Oh for fuck sake.” I mutter under my breath and quickly go upstairs to see what she is doing.
Tad
Iknow we need to talk. I know this distance and atmosphere is not good for anyone. But I just don’t know what to say to her. I was desperately clinging on to the hope that Kevin lied to me, and she hadn’t gone to visit him. But she is a shit liar. I saw it in her face back in the hotel. I knew she had been, and she lied to me, again.
And I know I’m the world’s biggest hypocrite. I’m fucking lying to her too, so I have no right to be pissed off with her. But I just can’t help it.
What happened with me, happened years before we had even met. But she has lied to me about something that happened since we’ve been together. And she had every opportunity to admit to me that she went to see him, but she didn’t.
She comes back downstairs and sits next to me again. She is smiling nervously at me, but I can’t even look at her.
“Tad.” She puts her hand on my leg and I have to close my eyes and remember to breathe. “I’m sorry. I’m an idiot. I shouldn’t have let what happened fuck up our honeymoon. I guess I’m just so used to him having an ulterior motive for everything, and I just got lost inside my head. Can you forgive me?”
“I’m just confused. Why the fuck do you care so much what happens to him? Whatever happens, he is still a convicted criminal. He can hardly just waltz out of hospital and back into the real word because he tried to off himself.” My voice is loud and I can’t help it. I’m fuming.
“Tad, let’s go downstairs.” Rach stands and I just look at her, eyes wide.
“Sex isn’t going to fix-” I start.
“I don’t want to have sex.” She whispers loudly. “I just want to make sure Ami doesn’t hear you shouting at me.” She hisses and storms off in the direction of the basement.
I follow her down and it feels entirely strange to be down here, feeling anything other than horny.
“I’ve apologised Tad. I don’t know what else I can say. I just find it hard to believe he would try to kill himself. You don’t know him. Not like I do. Being abusive, yes I can see that. Murdering someone, that didn’t even really surprise me. But trying to end his own life? When he is already making plans about getting out? Something just doesn’t sit right with me.”
“What do you mean he is making plans about getting out?” Her eyes widen and she realises her mistake. “How would you know anything about what plans he has been making, eh?” I shout.
“I just, um, you know, what you said about agreeing to the divorce.” She looks at the floor and that’s when I lose it.
“Stop fucking lying to me!” I roar and she jumps back. “I know you went to see him. Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?”
“I- I… I’m sorry. I should have told you.” She says sheepishly.
“When? Why?!” I demand.
“After he agreed to the divorce. I just couldn’t believe he was agreeing without a fight. I wanted to know what he was up to.”
“For fuck sake Rachel! Why do you find it so hard to just take what he does at face value? Why do you care so much? What, do you still love him?” I regret the words before I have even finished saying them. Tears fill her eyes and she looks devastated.
“I never loved him. You know that. I care because of what he has put me through. What he has put Ami through.” Her lip trembles as tears start to fall. “I want more than anyone to just be able to forget everything, but I can’t. I don’t want him to hurt any of us again.”
I pull her into my arms and she sobs. “I’m sorry Rach. I don’t know why I said that. I’m just so frustrated with everything.”
“I know, me too.” She sighs. “I did want to tell you. Honestly I was going to, but it was the day you had that data breech at work, and I didn’t want to pile anything else on top of you.” My own guilt starts bubbling away inside of me at the memory of what else happened that day, and I know I have to come clean with her.
“Rach, I have to tell you something.” I take a deep breath but I’m interrupted by Rachel’s phone going off from in her pocket. “It’s okay, it might be important.” I nod for her to answer it and I see her entire body tense up.
“It’s Robins.” She says before answering it. “Hello?”
I can hear Robins’ voice, he is talking loudly, but I’m not able to make out what he is saying. Suddenly Rachel’s face goes ghostly white and she has to grab on to my arm to keep herself upright.
“Oh God.” She whispers. I try to listen in to what Robins is saying. I can make out something about sending police, and staying inside.
“What’s going on?” I hiss.
She sits on the bed and listens to Robins, before hanging up.
“Rach!” I kneel in front of her, and wonder if he has died. Almost hope he has.
“He escaped.” She breaths almost silently.
“What, who? Kevin?” I almost shout. No, this can’t be happening. How the fuck did he escape?! “How?”
“Um, I don’t know, something about a window, or something. I don’t know.” Rachel shakes her head and throws her phone next to her. “I fucking knew he was up to something. I fucking KNEW IT!” She shouts and cries loudly. “Robins is sending police to the house in case he comes here… How does he keep doing this? Why does this keep happening? I wish he’d just fucking die!” She breaks down in my arms and I have no idea what to say to her.
We sit like that for a long time until I manage to persuade her to come upstairs. I make her a coffee and head to my office quickly.
I dial a number on my phone and can’t believe I’m having to do this again.
“Boss?”
“Tommo, I’m sorry to call so late. We’ve got a problem.”
I explain everything to Tommo and he tells me he will be outside the house with a team within the hour.
When I walk back into the front room Rachel is sitting in the exact position I left her, coffee untouched on the table.
I sit next to her and pull her on to my lap.
“He can’t have got far. They’ll catch him.” I say with as much conviction as I can manage, even though I’m not sure I believe myself.
Rach eventually falls asleep on the sofa and I debate lifting her upstairs to bed. I decide to leave her where she is, I don’t want to risk waking her.
I creep into the kitchen and pour myself a very large glass of whiskey. There are so many thoughts
spinning through my mind that I can’t seem to pick a single one out for long enough to worry about it. So this feeling of general dread just sits in my stomach and I can’t seem to shift it.
This is not how I imagined married life would start with Rachel. We should still be on our fucking honeymoon.
I walk back in to the front room and stare at Rachel’s face. She is asleep, but she looks anything other than relaxed. Her brow is knitted into a deep frown. I gently place a blanket over her, and sit next to her feet. Slowly I reach out and rest my hand on her leg, gently squeezing it, and stroking it with my thumb, in an attempt to reassure her that she is okay.
I’m sitting having a bowl of cereal on the sofa with Seb when Dad walks in the front door. He looks exhausted and slumps into his armchair next to the window.
“Morning boys, where’s your mum?” He asks, half yawning.
“Upstairs I guess.” Seb shrugs.
“You okay Dad?” I ask, he suddenly looks older, and far more stressed than I have ever seen him.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just this arse making life difficult at work.”
“Aren’t you like, everyone’s boss? Just fire him.” Seb chimes in, mouth full of cereal.
Dad laughs. “Oh, if only it was that easy. He’s a newbie, just a kid. I’ve got to give him a chance. But it’s hard when he’s such a fucking arsehole. Don’t tell your mother I swore.” He looks around and Seb and I laugh.
“What’s he done?” I ask, intrigued.
“Well, noting major yet, but he is definitely an act first, think later kind of guy, and he’s already had complaints made about him by three different suspects. I can see him losing his cool and doing something stupid.”
“Just stick him on some boring desk work for a while, I’m sure that will mellow him out.” I suggest.
“Great minds and all that, that’s exactly what I’ve done. But of course the whiney prick is complaining about me to anyone that will listen.”
“Fuck him Dad. What’s the worst he can do?” I shrug and Dad laughs.
“I won’t tell your Mother about you swearing either.” He stands up and walks towards the sofa. “Budge up boys, footy’s on in a minute.”
