All That Matters

by Sadie Rose

  "Why's that" Anson asks.

  "Every time you send me over there Kate and Dad are being all kissy and mushy, it's GROSS! Oliver can go next time!" Jack glares over in their direction. Anson smirks over at me.

  "No way!" Oliver shouts. Jack picked up fishing right away, but fucking hell Oliver just can't get the hang of it. He waves his pole around wildly. His line rarely ends up in the water. He always manages to hook a tree or stick. He's hooked himself about a dozen times, plus he's gotten his hook caught in Erica’s shirt, Ava's hair twice and Jacks leg. He also managed to hook Anson’s hand and my ear. He's thrown the whole damn pole in the pond twice and we had to fish it out for him. He's a fucking mess. So now we are all giving him a wide berth whenever he throws. He's got a great attitude though and he's having a fucking blast. The twins continue arguing until Erica tells them to shut up or she's gonna push them in the pond. They glare at her suspiciously but stop arguing.

  After a few hours a truck pulls up and two guys start unloading big silver pans of food. When they finish setting up Dad tells us to get washed up. Two tables are covered with food there is sliced brisket, beans, potato salad, fruit salad, sliced watermelon on ice, cookies, brownies, and cupcakes.

  "Wow Gladys made all this?" Erica asks with wide eyes.

  "No" Kate laughs "I had her call a couple of places in town and have most of it delivered she wouldn't have had time to make all this. I really should have planned it better, but I didn't get the idea until this morning" Kate explains.

  "It looks great, Sweetie" Dad assures her as we pile our plates with food and sit down to eat. The food is really damn good.

  "You know what would be fun?" Kate asks Before anyone answers she continues "We should have a party for Jack and Oliver's birthday out here!" The twins jump up and run to her.

  "Can we? That would be awesome!" They are patting and shaking her with excitement. She laughs and asks Dad what he thinks.

  "That's a great idea, if that's what they want to do." The four of them talk and plan the party while Erica, Anson, Ava and I talk and eat.

  After a while, Ava gets up and sits next to her mom. They are texting and her mom is frowning. After a few minutes, she comes back over to us and sits down.

  I want to go home. Do y'all wanna go or stay? Mom says she's fine with y'all doing either.

  I frown at Ava. "Are you ok? What's wrong?" I ask.

  Nothing’s wrong. I'm just tired and it's been like a lot you know? Y'all can stay if you want to but she just didn't want y'all to think you had to stay if you're are ready to go. Honestly, I'm probably gonna lay down, I need some quiet for a while. So, don't feel like you have to go with me if you want to stay here.

  "I'll come with you," I say. Obviously.

  "Us too," Anson says frowning.

  I don't feel like riding back. Billy's coming to get me and bringing a couple of guys to take the horses back.

  Kate walks over and puts her arm around Ava.

  "Did ya’ll have fun?" She asks, we all say we did, and Ava smiles up at her mom. "Thank you all for being such good sports, it meant a lot to your dad and me. We have really been wanting to do something altogether. I'd come back with you Ava, but the boys are having so much fun."

  It's fine mom I'm really ok. I'm just getting tired and it's hot. I'm just ready to go. I had lots of fun though. I really did.

  She smiles up at her mom and a few minutes later a truck pulls up and we jump in and head home. As soon as we get home Erica and Anson run off somewhere.

  "Do you feel like hanging out or you wanna be alone?" Ava grins at me.

  We can hang out. Do you care if I take a nap though?

  "Nope, I'll do homework while you nap. Your room or mine?" I ask Ava thinks a minute. "mine" she answers. She does look tired. I take her hand as we head upstairs. We stop off at my room and I gather up some books and stuff. When we get up to her room she curls up on her bed as I spread out my books and papers beside her. Minutes later I look over to see Ava is fast asleep.

  Chapter 34

  Ava

  There's a bad smell. I've never smelled anything like this before, it's awful. I'm in the dark. It's always dark in here now. The light went out and it just never came back on. It doesn't matter anyway; we are too weak to get up anymore. But I don't like the dark. I hear things scurrying and skittering across the floor. Mice. Sometimes one runs across my foot or in my hair, but I can't even kick them away. I hear them gnawing on something. I think it’s Sharissa. I think she's dead. She's been dead for a while now. At first, Anna said she was just sleeping but I know she's dead. She is dead and the rats are eating her. I'm going to die too and then they will come to eat me. I'm not scared of dying. I was at first but I'm not anymore. I want to die; I hope I do die. But I don't want the rats to eat me. I'm not afraid anymore, I'm just sad. I miss my mom and my dad. I miss my brother. Their faces float behind my eyes. I wonder if they ever think of me anymore or are, they forgetting me too? I know they must think about me, they must miss me. I can't remember what they look like anymore. Not exactly. I squeeze my eyes tighter and try to picture my mother's face. It's blurry and fuzzy. I try to focus on her hair, I know it's yellow, but I can't remember the exact shade. I can't remember how her hair felt or smelled anymore. I can't remember her voice. It feels important as if I could just remember exactly how my mother smelled and looked, I will be ok. Everything will be ok, and I'll wake up and be with them again. I try and try to picture them. That's all that I think about anymore. My family. Concentrating on my mother's hair or my dad's voice. Anson's laugh. I can't do it. I can't remember. I feel like they left me. They know I'm dying, and they don't want to watch, so they are moving further and further away. I want to chase them, but I can't move. I want to yell after them, beg them to come back, but when I open my mouth no words come out. I wish I could cry for them, but no tears come. I think how sad they will be, and I wish I could let them know that I love them. I wish I could tell them not to be sad. I want to tell them thank you for being such a good family, for loving me and that I'm sorry. I know I won't ever see them again and that makes me sad.

  My face is wet when I wake up. Tears are running down my face. I cover my face and cry and cry. This is the dream that I hate the most. I hate all the dreams but this one is the worse. I feel so much anguish, not sadness but anguish. I cry until there are no more tears left.

  I used to have this dream all the time, it seems like I had it every night. Now I only have it every once in a while. At least that's something, I guess. I overslept and didn't get to tell Mason bye; I pick up my phone and type out a message to him.

  Me: Hey, Mason. I overslept this morning. I'm sorry I didn't come down before school to see you.

  It's only a couple minutes before I hear my phone go off.

  Mason: That's ok. Is everything ok? I was worried about you.

  Me: Ya, I had a bad dream and couldn't sleep.

  Me: You could have come up here and woke me up. I wouldn't have minded :)

  Mason: I thought about it, but I wasn't sure if you would mind.

  Me: What?! Seriously? I wake you up all the time Mason! You're welcome up here anytime. Especially if I it results in me getting kisses. :D

  Mason: Next time I'll come to give you a kiss before I leave anyway ok?

  Me: Ok. How's school going?

  Mason: Boring. What are you going to do today?

  Me: I don't know I'm still in bed.

  Mason: What???!! It's almost eleven girl! You did sleep late!

  Me: I know but I really didn't sleep hardly at all last night.

  Mason: Bad huh? Next time you come wake me up. I'll scare all those bad dreams away.

  I laugh as I read Mason's reply. He's so sweet and nice to me.

  Me: I might do that. Ha-ha.

  Mason: Good. I mean it. I've gotta go back to class. I'll text you later. Bye.

  Me: Bye Mason.

  I don't feel like getting up. I feel better after talking to Mason but I'
m still kinda down. A few minutes later my mom comes in.

  "Ava! Why are you still in bed? Don't you feel good?" She frowns and comes over to me and does that mom thing where she feels my head and takes my face in her hand turning it this way and that way. I gently push her hand away.

  I'm ok, I'm not sick.

  "What's wrong then baby?" Mom sits down facing me. I look at her and the dream is still so fresh in my mind. The feelings that I was never going to see her again. Or my dad or Anson. My lips start trembling and my eyes fill with tears, but I try to hold them back.

  "Tell me, Ava. Did something happen?" I shake my head no.

  "I had a bad dream" I whisper.

  "Oh, Ava! Poor baby come here" My mom gathers me in her arms, and I break down crying. Remembering how much I wanted this, how much I wanted one more hug. To see her face one more time, to feel her soft hair and hear her gentle voice.

  "Do you want to tell me about it?" she asks softly. I shake my head no. I'm crying too hard to answer. Mom hugs me close, rubbing my back and stroking my hair. Talking softly to me, like she did when I was little. I think about all the times I wanted this. All the times I imagined her just like this and how sad I was when I didn't think I'd ever see her again. I think about how much I love her and start crying all over again. I never thought I'd see her again. I never thought I'd see any of them again. But she's here and I'm here. She's been so patient with me ever since I've come home. She's always been here.

  "Shhhh, Ava. You're ok Baby." My mom whispers. "You might feel better to talk about it honey. It's not good for you to keep everything bottled up inside" My face is pressed into her shoulder and her arms are around me. I feel safe and loved.

  "I dreamed I was in a dark room and I was sad because I wanted you and you weren't there. And I couldn't remember what you looked like or sounded like anymore. I felt like I was forgetting you and Dad and Anson. I thought maybe you all were forgetting me too and I just wanted to see you all one more time." I sob.

  "Oh, Ava." Mom chokes out. She lifts my head up to look into my eyes. Tears are cascading down her face.

  "Baby we NEVER forgot you. Not even a day went by that we didn't think of you and look for you and want you back. Every day, every minute, you were in our minds and in our hearts. We never stopped looking. We never stopped loving you and believing we would find you." I wipe my face with my hands.

  "But I couldn't remember you very well anymore. The picture in my mind of you was all fuzzy and I just wanted you." Mom hugs me tight as she strokes my hair and kisses my head.

  "Baby you never forgot us, maybe the image of us wasn't as clear, but you remembered the important things. That we loved you. That we were your family and that you loved us too. That's what matters, Ava" My mom smiles at me.

  "And you're home now. Safe and sound in your own room" She looks around and smiles.

  "Do you dream like that a lot?" she asks softly. I nod still sniffling.

  "Poor Ava I wish I could take all your bad dreams away. I would if I could." I nod, still wiping tears away and sniffling.

  "I know Mom."

  She smiles "When did this happen? When did you start talking again? This is new." I laugh a small laugh and wipe my face again.

  "A couple of weeks ago. I still don't like it much. This is the most I've ever spoken, usually, I just say a couple of words. It feels strange talking out loud." She smiles and says.

  "I wasn't sure I'd ever hear your voice again, I hoped but I wasn't sure" Mom starts crying again.

  "It sounds weird to me; I don't like it" I confess looking away.

  "It sounds beautiful to me, maybe the most beautiful sound I've ever heard." Mom takes my hand and gives it a squeeze.

  "You just aren't used to it baby and I imagine the muscles are weak from disuse." She wraps her arms around me. "I love you so much, Ava." I hug her back

  "I love you too mom" She pulls away and looks at me a few minutes. "Do you think you are up for something? An adventure maybe?" she smiles at me. I nod

  "Maybe" I answer.

  "You have already had an emotional day, but do you know what we need? We need a fun adventure to wipe these bad dreams away what do you think?" I nod at her. "I was thinking maybe a car ride. We could get out of the house. You have ridden the motorcycle with Mason a few times, but I know that's just been in front of our house. Maybe we could start practicing getting you out? We could go into town. I could have Gladys pack us something or we could drive through somewhere? We could even go in and eat if you felt up to it! That might be too much. We can play it by ear. Does that sound fun to you?" I nod excitedly and I'm surprised, but it DOES sound fun.

  "Great!" Mom beams at me. "Go jump in the shower and get ready!" She claps her hands with excitement. "This is going to be so much fun!" She reminds me so much of the Mom I remember from when I was a little girl! She was always taking me on little "adventures" as she called them, surprise trips to the zoo or park or even a spontaneous weekend at the beach. I remember she especially did it when I was having a bad day or in a grumpy mood. Mom would breeze into my room smiling and laughing and declare that we needed a little adventure to chase the blues away. Smiling at the memory I head into my bathroom. I hurry through my shower and dress in a glittery, pink, tulle skirt, a pink and blue shirt with a cute cartoon cat on it and pink over the knee socks and my glittery pink tennis shoes. I leave my hair down and put on a little bit of blush, eye makeup, and gloss. When I'm ready Mom grins "Let's go!"

  I grab my phone off my bed and pick up my pink bag with my sketchbook and art stuff in it. It's a beautiful day when we get outside the sun is shining and even though its early October there are still leaves on the trees and the grass is still green. I'm nervous but not scared. We drive down the driveway and Mom turns down the street. I look out the windows as we pass houses with big lawns and elaborate flower beds. I remember most of them from when I was a little girl. We live on the outskirts of town, so it takes a while before we get there, but Mom drives slowly taking us through neighborhoods, down little lanes, and through parks. I recognize some places and others I don't. We don't talk much as we drive, sometimes Mom points a place out, asking me if I remember this or that. Mostly we just enjoy the peace and the beauty of the drive, of the sun and music playing softly through the car speakers. Finally, we get into town and Mom asks if I'd rather get something and eat in the car or go inside and eat. I think for a few minutes before asking

  "If we go inside and I change my mind can we leave?" She grins

  "Of course, Ava!" She reaches over and gives my hand a squeeze. "I know just the place too!" Mom drives to a building with faded pink looking bricks. It has pale pink awnings and window boxes overflowing with flowers. The sign out front says Katherine's Tea Room. There is a wide area like a patio with tables outside. Flowers are overflowing from pots and boxes all around the patio and there's a black wrought iron fence blocking the patio from the sidewalk out front. It's so cute and storybook looking! I clap my hands excitedly and bounce in my seat

  "Oh my God! It's SO cute!" I tell Mom. She parks the car and we walk into the building. The tables inside have white tablecloths, there's soft music playing and more flowers inside. Most of the tables have people at them so they are busy. It's a quiet atmosphere though, not loud and bustling. Most of the patron are women enjoying a quiet lunch. A hostess greets us and leads us to a little table in the corner overlooking a back-garden area. There are flowers everywhere outside and further down I see a goldfish pond with a fountain and ducks swimming around. It doesn't look so much like a manicured yard, it's more like a little cottage. The wildflowers spill everywhere, there are birdbaths and bird feeders tucked into the flowers. It has a slightly wild and haphazard feel to it.

  "I love it!" I tell Mom.

  "I knew you would Ava!" A waitress comes over and we order iced raspberry teas homemade sourdough rolls and salads. She hurries off to place our orders. "This place opened several years ago, and I have wanted to bring you he
re so many times. I knew you love it. Isn't it just adorable?" Mom looks around smiling.

  "It is! Everything is so pretty!" I laugh. The drinks and rolls arrive quickly, followed by our salads. We order chicken salad sandwiches with grilled vegetables and fresh fruit on the side. As we eat and Mom makes quiet comments here and there but for the most part, we eat in silence. I think she picks up on my quiet mood and lets me determine the amount of conversation. It's a lot to take in, even though the place is quiet with a relaxing atmosphere, I haven't been around this many strange people and noises in a long time. I find myself really enjoying it though. I'm not near as nervous or afraid as I thought I would be. Our food arrives and everything is perfect. The chicken salad is full of fruit and nuts and served on a warm buttery croissant.

  "This is sooo good!" I tell Mom.

  "I know! They have the best food here, especially if you are in the mood for something light!" Mom replies. After we finish mom says, "We can get dessert here if you want or we could walk next door and get ice creams and walk around the pond and look at the ducks and fish, what do you think?" I laugh softly

  "Ice cream. Definitely." Mom smiles widely at me

  "Good! I was hoping you would say that!" After she settles our bill, we walk next door to an old-fashioned ice cream shop. I remember this place from when I was a little girl, but it looks very different now. There are different colors, chairs, and everything.

  "Do you remember this place?" Mom asks. I nod.

  "Yes, it's changed a lot" She nods looking around

  "It's changed owners a couple of times. It has changed a lot." We order ice cream in waffle cones with whip cream, nuts, and cherries and take a handful of napkins with us. Outside the birds are tweeting and twittering and there are big koi fish and goldfish swimming in the pond. The pond is bigger than it looked from inside. There's a huge fountain floating in the center and ducks swimming here and there. We walk around until we find a little bench tucked under a tree and surrounded by yellow, pink and purple flowers. We sit, eating our ice creams.