To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “Yes you do,” he asserted, “you are the incarnation of conventional respectability.”

  “No, I am not!”

  “Tell me Mandy, have you ever cheated during an exam? Have you ever skipped class?”

  “Don’t call me Mandy!”

  “Have you ever slept with a man on the first date?”

  “That’s none of your business!”

  “Have you ever gone commando? Smoked in the Uni’s toilets? Or had sex in one?”

  “Have you?” I asked to provoke him, unwilling to let him know my answer was “no” to all of his questions.

  Chris was about to reply but I didn’t want to hear it; I had already guessed his response.

  “Don’t say,” I sighed, annoyed.

  The margaritas arrived and I took a sip right away. Roll on the end of this freaky date!

  “So, how’s Geoffrey?” Chris asked.

  “I’m not answering that.”

  “Why not? You brought up Jessica in the conversation, why can’t I talk about Geoffrey?”

  “I was curious about how much you have shown Jessica. You, on the other hand, just want to make me uncomfortable,” I said.

  “I bet he has bad sex habits.”

  And there he was, back to his old self. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Chris Downes, the legendary rude and insensitive prick! I tried to ignore him and drank a little bit more of my margarita.

  “I bet he works on automatic pilot,” he added.

  It’s not worth it, I said to myself. Don’t respond.

  “I bet you rarely have an orgasm...” Chris insisted.

  Drink, drink, drink, and don’t listen.

  “...And I bet that, behind your cold exterior, you’re the most horny girl at university.”

  “I AM NOT!” I blurted, out of control. “Why do you enjoy harassing me? What have I ever done to you? I wish you would just leave me alone!”

  I stood up, finished my glass in one swig and put my handbag over my shoulder.

  “The date is over! I did what you told me to do. Tomorrow, I expect you to deliver your side of the bargain.”

  I stormed out of the pub, bar, club – whatever it was! – and dashed through the crowd in the outside alley. As I arrived at the main street, I felt someone grab hold of my left arm. I turned around and Chris was standing behind me, out of breath.

  “I can’t help it,” he said. “When I see you, the worst of me comes out. I’m sorry.”

  He slowly returned to the club, leaving me feeling unsettled amongst a bunch of strangers.

  Chapter 24

  Today’s the day! I thought as I opened my eyes early that Tuesday morning. The day I get my good reputation back! I raced out of bed, hopped into the shower, then prepared myself a big bowl of cereals. In no time, I was on my way to Uni and expecting a lot from this promising day.

  While waiting in the corridor for Mr Hutchins to arrive, I noticed Chris kissing and cuddling Jessica a few meters away from me. Enjoy it while it lasts, I imagined telling him. Soon, she will despise you for what you did at her party and she will regret going out with such a peeping tom! Chris sensually kissed her earlobe and her neck. You’re the one that’s horny, I thought, not me! Having said that, I did feel a little turned on by the way he was spoiling her with attention. And Jessica loved having his hands all over her, for the entire world to see how much they were in love. But surely Chris wasn’t that much in love… After all, he did ask me out and take me to the seaside. He prepared a picnic and introduced me to his friends… There was bound to be a reason why he went through all that trouble for me. I guessed that I just had to wait and see if he would ask me out again. OH GOD! WHAT WAS I SAYING! Wait for him to ask me out again? There would be no second date! I wouldn’t allow it! He was the rudest and the most selfish and the most annoying man that had ever existed! Stay focused, I told myself.

  Mr Hutchins turned up right on time and we followed him into the classroom. Kelly invited me to sit next to her; it had become a routine for us ever since Olivia had been acting distant. In fact, she still wasn’t anywhere to be found that morning. Everybody was sitting on their hard wooden chairs and ready to try to concentrate on the teacher’s boring economy lesson, except for Chris, who remained standing at the front of the class.

  “What’s going on here?” Mr Hutchins asked him, impatient to start his lecture.

  “If you don’t mind Sir, I have an announcement to make. It will only take a few seconds,” said Chris.

  “Very well, if you must.”

  Chris addressed himself to every student in the room. They all looked at him fixedly, as if their captain was about to give them orders.

  “Morning everyone,” he began casually. “I want to set something straight today. I guess you all heard about Amanda’s voyeurism problem…”

  Oh way to go, Chris! I thought, miffed by his introduction. Try a little bit of discretion in front of Mr Hutchins, would you! The teacher glanced at me. He probably thought: “Voyeurism? You? Really?”

  “I want to reassure everyone today by saying…”

  Chris paused there for a moment. Come on! Spit it out, I yelled in my head.

  “…Amanda wasn’t going to peek through the door. I was mistaken about that. She has never spied on anyone, and she probably never will.”

  Hmm… not perfect Chris, but good enough I suppose, I thought.

  “However...” he carried on.

  What? Not however! Not however! Stop there! I imagined screaming at him.

  “Amanda wishes to apologise to… Kelly and Jim…”

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My heart was racing, my eyes were watering, and I swear, my nerves were in such a tizzy that my tummy was imploring me to go to the toilet! I bet Kelly’s stomach was in the same emotional and agitated state.

  “…For having listened to them having sex at Jess’ party,” Chris finished.

  He smiled at me and raised his right hand, with the palm towards the ceiling; it was his way of telling me to get up to apologise. Everybody was staring at me as I slowly stood up by my chair and said three pathetic little words.

  “I am sorry.”

  I sat back down immediately and didn’t take my eyes off of my desk, as still as a rock, to avoid seeing the teacher, Chris, Kelly or Jim’s faces. Chris returned to his seat and Mr Hutchins tried to pick up from there.

  “Huh…Well…Moving on… Open your books, page 98 and… start reading the first case study,” he said.

  There was a horrific awkwardness in the classroom. Mr Hutchins sat at his desk, pretended nothing happened and started to write down some key solutions to the exercise; Chris and Jessica were still secretly touching each other; my classmates had opened their books but kept whispering and peeking at Kelly and Jim, who were keeping their heads down, utterly embarrassed; and I was furious. Enraged. It felt like flames were coming out of my nose, my ears and my mouth. Chris had told the whole world about Kelly and Jim on purpose to counteract my specific demands. Clear my name and shut up about our two classmates, that was all he had to do. He chose to ruin their secret. He didn’t even mention that he was the one who had opened their door at Jessica’s party. I felt the urge to tell everyone. So I did.

  “Chris spied on Kelly and Jim!” I shouted suddenly, pointing at him and breaking the quietness of the room. “He opened their door without any shame whatsoever!”

  Everybody turned round to check Chris’ reaction. Even Mr Hutchins. He couldn’t believe what was going on during his early morning class. Kelly smiled a little, proud of me for having dared to tell the truth about him.

  “The door was already open,” he said, “I closed it to–”

  “That’s a lie!” I interrupted as I stood up to face him.

  “Have you two finished?” implored Mr Hutchins.

  None of us paid attention to him.

  “You looked! You told me you looked!” I shouted at him.

 
; Chris also got up off his chair.

  “It was impossible not to see them while I was shutting the door!” he replied, raising his voice too.

  “You drew what they were doing on my notebook!” I added.

  The whole room went “ooh!” with shock.

  “That was just to get you out of your pathetic little bubble!” he scorned.

  “I don’t need to get out of my bubble, you idiot!”

  “THAT’S ENOUGH!” yelled Mr Hutchins.

  Chris and I were aware that we had crossed the line and the whole class was stupefied by our tongue-lashing moment.

  “OUT! THE BOTH OF YOU!” the teacher screamed. “Meet me outside my office in two hours!”

  We grabbed our belongings and rushed out of the room with everyone glaring at us, especially Jessica. Once outside, we went separate ways, knowing we would have to confront each other again in two hours’ time.

  He had done it. Chris had turned me into an impolite and chaotic student, just like himself.

  ***

  When I arrived in front of Mr Hutchins’ office later that morning, Chris was already sitting on the floor and resting his back against the wall. I slowly reached the other side of the office door and stood there silently. Well, not for long.

  “Why couldn’t you keep your mouth shut about Kelly and Jim, huh?” I asked him, ready to pick a fight again.

  He didn’t answer and pretended I wasn’t there. I sighed with anger and took a look at the time. My watch indicated ten o’clock. Mr Hutchins would turn up any time.

  “So, what now, Chris? You’re mad at me for having told the truth, is that it? What you have done to me over the past weeks has been much worse, so don’t go feeling sorry for yourself!”

  He still didn’t respond. His disinterest in answering back made me anxious. He usually enjoyed that part. I kept my mouth shut while a couple of students walked past us in the corridor. As soon as they had turned the corner, I opened it again.

  “Cat got your tongue?”

  He shook his head.

  “Oh good… It’s still alive!” I said sarcastically.

  He laughed at my bad joke. Just as he was finally making some kind of contact with me, Mr Hutchins turned up at the door. He got his keys out and invited us to follow him inside.

  “Close the door behind you, Mr Downes,” he demanded.

  When the teacher was sitting comfortably in his big black office chair – looking very much like Dr. Evil – and we were standing and waiting for him to reprimand us, Chris unexpectedly started to speak.

  “I am sorry, Sir, for the scene I made in class this morning.”

  Mr Hutchins looked at him with his right elbow on the armrest and his hand holding up his tilted head.

  “Amanda and I had a pact, you see,” he explained, “and this morning I had to put things straight in front of the whole class about an incident at a party. I did what she told me to do, but then she began to shout at me…”

  “Oh for goodness sake, Chris! Stop playing the victim here!” I told him.

  Mr Hutchins watched us bicker with unimpressed eyes. We soon stopped talking. We didn’t want to make matters worse for ourselves, although it was clear that we were already in big trouble. He opened his bottom drawer and picked out two folders. They had our names on them and he started to read them as if he was going through all the information of a court case in order to give the final judgement.

  “Miss Bell…” he read. “Straight A’s in most subjects, studious, well-prepared, concentrated in class – not today, obviously,” he commented, “joins in university community projects and is not shy in giving her opinion.”

  He closed my folder.

  “How do you pay for your studies, Miss Bell?” he asked me.

  “I work as a cashier and a waitress in the holidays, Sir. And my parents help out, of course.”

  “Good. Then you will agree that it is a waste of their money, and of yours, when you act like you did this morning. Am I right?”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  I hated it when teachers got a kick out of lecturing their students. If only they knew what we go through!

  “Mr Downes…” said Mr Hutchins, opening the second folder and listing the comments made by teachers about Chris. “Has been to five universities in two years, expelled for cheating during exams from two of them, left without warning from three others, was caught having sex in the toilets in his first year...”

  Mr Hutchins paused after reading that detail. His cheeks turned red with surprise. Chris, on the other hand, smiled proudly at his accomplishment.

  “Quiet in class but never does his homework,” the teacher continued, “got in an argument with two teachers, does good work at times – when he doesn’t cheat – but it is not consistent, arrives late to class, has difficulty following instructions…”

  Mr Hutchins took a deep breath.

  “Whoa, I think I will stop there!” he said. “How on earth did the headmaster allow you to study here?” he wondered.

  I was also interested to hear what Chris had to say.

  “I want to succeed my last year. Then, I’m out of here,” he replied.

  “You’re going to have to put a lot more effort into the upcoming exams!”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “Because, I can tell you this, you won’t get a second chance.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  “How do you pay for university?” Mr Hutchins wanted to know.

  Chris hesitated before answering.

  “My mother.”

  “Don’t you think it is a waste of her money to spend your time cheating and leaving?”

  He didn’t answer that.

  “Do you think she is proud of your behaviour?” he preached.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “She’s dead.”

  Mr Hutchins’ cheeks turned even more red. He had gone a little too far in his research. I looked at Chris who remained motionless, just like the sculptures on Crosby Beach.

  “Well,” said the teacher as he put our folders back in the drawer, “I’m sorry to hear that, Mr Downes. What about your father?” he couldn’t help asking.

  “My father doesn’t know I exist,” he answered coldly. “Will that be all, Sir?”

  “Yes… Yes, that will be all.”

  The teacher gathered his thoughts and came up with his judgement.

  “I want you to do an assignment for next Tuesday. Together.”

  What a nightmare! I thought. Mr Hutchins fiddled through his papers and finally found one.

  “Analyse the impact of new medical research on the market for tea, linking tea drinkers to lower rates of cancer.”

  “We have exams coming up!” I said, ill at ease.

  “Consider this a trial!” he replied with a smile.

  I took his bloody assignment and hurried to the door.

  “Mind that attitude, Miss Bell!” reminded Mr Hutchins.

  “Yes, Sir. Thank you,” I forced myself to say politely.

  Chris soon caught up with me down the corridor, even though I was racing to get away from him.

  “So, when’s our next date to deal with this assignment?” he asked.

  “There will be no next "date"!” I replied whilst insisting on the inverted commas over the word date with my fingers. “I’ll prepare something, you’ll prepare something, then you’ll give me your paper on Monday and I will put the two together so that it’s ready for Tuesday.”

  “Now that’s not what Mr Hutchins ordered, is it, Miss Bell?” he said imitating the teacher’s didactic speech.

  “I don’t care,” I told him.

  “Come on Mandy, let’s give it a try!”

  I stopped in the middle of the hallway and gave him a dirty look.

  “What’s wrong with you, Chris? You hardly spoke to me while waiting for the teacher, then you tried to put all the blame on me in front of him, and now, you want to do an assignment with me? Just come
out and say it, Chris: you want to cheat! Get me to do all the work and you will sit happily next to me while I do all the research and write the entire dissertation! Well, you’re not going to get away so easily!”

  “Amanda, don’t make me blackmail you again…” he said. “You either work with me on this assignment or I’m telling Mr Hutchins you ignored his request.”

  At that very moment, I despised him deeply. Things weren’t getting any easier.

  “And you know I will tell,” he made clear.

  “Friday, six o’clock, at the library,” I told him with a worn out look.

  I walked away from him, feeling enslaved once again.

  Chapter 25

  On my way home at the end of the day, I passed by Olivia’s studio. Her absence at Uni had worried me. It wasn’t like her to miss class. This was the perfect opportunity to check she was alright, and also to finally explain my off-putting attitude over the past couple of weeks. As I came to destination, I noticed her mother and her little brother in the private parking. They were filling their car with Olivia’s belongings.

  “Hello!” I called out as I approached them. “How are you?”

  “Hiya, honey,” her mother said.

  She always called me honey as if I was part of the family. Mrs Ledford looked just like her daughter: dark hair with blond streaks, slim body and little blue eyes.

  “We’re… Well, not on top form at the moment… as you can see…”

  “What’s going on?” I asked.

  “You don’t know?”

  She took a deep breath.

  “Olivia’s in hospital. We are getting some clothes and effects together to take over there.”

  “What? Why is she in hospital?”

  My lips were trembling. I never did like the word hospital.

  “She hasn’t been eating, honey…”

  “Not eating?” I checked I had heard correctly.

  “Yes… I thought you knew she was having trouble. Didn’t she tell you? Didn’t you notice anything?”

  Thousands of flashbacks suddenly hit me in the face like a powerful fist. It was all coming back to me… She didn’t want any pancakes at Jessica’s party; she hadn’t touched her sandwich that I saw hanging out of her bag while watching the football game; her rumbling stomach wouldn’t stop in Mr Hutchins’ class; she wasn’t willing to take her jumper off in the queue while shopping; she fainted in the changing room… And I thought it was all due to the heat. How could I have been so blind? My dear friend Olivia was suffering from an eating disorder.