To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “So, apparently you broke my girlfriend's phone?”

  Great. He knows.

  “Is there a problem with that?” I asked him, unapologetic. “After all, thanks to me she has no way to contact you for a few days. I've set you free.”

  He smiled at my comment.

  “She has asked me to take revenge and break your phone,” he informed me.

  “Are you going to?”

  “That depends,” he said with a cheeky grin on his face.

  “On what?”

  “On your cooperation.”

  I was amused by his playfulness. And I loved getting his attention.

  “And how might I cooperate, I wonder?”

  He didn't answer straight away. First, he came a little closer to me, so that he could be more discreet. That's when Chris asked me out on a second date.

  “Let me guess: I either go out with you or you will break my phone, is that right?”

  “That's about right, yes,” he confirmed.

  “But yet again, your only way to get me to go on a date with you is to blackmail me...” I pointed out, boastfully.

  “You're a difficult fish to catch,” he said.

  I couldn't resist his brown eyes any longer. I chose the date.

  “What are you going to tell Jessica?” I asked him.

  “She wants to see a broken phone; I'll find one for her.”

  Months ago, I would have considered that attitude to be disgraceful. Today, I was willing to let it go. Chris was aware that my feelings for him had changed and he took pleasure in seeing me drop my guard.

  “Meet me on Tuesday at Crosby Beach, five pm,” he whispered.

  “I'll be there.”

  Chapter 37

  I'll admit it. I was excited about my next date with Chris. Olivia detected my elated mood as soon as I entered her room that evening. However, I didn't find the courage to tell her the real reason behind my good spirits; I didn't want it to crush her. Instead, I told her it was the relief that the classes were over and that we had time for our revisions. We got cracking on some as soon as I arrived. I could sense that Olivia wasn't doing it for herself but to please me. When supper arrived, she barely ate half of what was on her plate. (In all fairness though, her cold Cornish pasty and flabby cabbage didn't look appetising at all.) It pained me to feel so useless. I had no idea what to say or do to help her. Nevertheless, I still didn't give up and I explained our final lessons as accurately as possible.

  I spent the rest of the evening at home, in a very silent apartment. Hannah and Michael were at the Art's ball and were surely going to be back sometime during the night or early morning. I was looking forward to hearing how their date went. Until their return, I made the most of my evening alone: a mozzarella pizza, some relaxing music and a nice warm bath. The perfect way to unwind.

  After falling asleep in my bed while reading Swann's Way by Marcel Proust, the sound of a slamming door woke me up from a disturbing dream... I was trying to give my sister a call but my phone was broken. The screen was severely smashed, just like Jessica's was. So I went over to see Olivia. I froze when I found her kissing Chris, who was visiting her in hospital. She was lying on her bed, still with a tube in her nose, and Chris softly pressed his lips against hers all the while caressing her hair. When they finally noticed me standing there, in shock, Olivia turned to me and said: “What goes around comes around.” I felt heartbroken and begged her to forgive me, but she proceeded to make out with Chris. He didn't even acknowledge I was there. Thank goodness for the front door that tends to close loudly. It managed to pull me out of that nightmare.

  I heard Hannah's voice coming from the kitchen, and I quickly gathered that she was crying. She was alone; it seemed Michael hadn't returned home with her. I took a look at the time: it was one o'clock in the morning. Should I get up and find out what had happened, or should I wait until the following morning? I couldn't decide what was best. In any case, I was now wide awake, so I'd might as well get up and attempt to unravel the situation. I wrapped a dressing gown around me and stepped out of my bedroom. While making my way to the living room, Hannah's cries were getting louder and louder. She sounded a mess, as if her world had come to an end. As I walked into the room, I found her lying on her chest on the sofa, with her head down and covered by a pillow.

  “What's going on?” I asked as I sat on the floor next to her and placed my right hand on her shoulder.

  She dragged the pillow onto the floor, turned to me and asked for a tissue. Her poor eyes were red and the rings just below them were darkened by her non-waterproof black mascara.

  “What happened?” I asked again, confused by her behaviour on a night that was meant to be exciting and romantic.

  “Michael kissed me,” she said.

  Well, that threw me off-balance... Wasn't that what she wanted?

  “What's the problem with that? Shouldn't you be happy?”

  “Yes, I'm happy he did...”

  I was going to need a little bit more explanation. Nothing made sense.

  “...but I ran away after he did,” she added.

  “Why?”

  “This is exactly what happened last time, four years ago. We went to a ball together; it was great. We kissed and then we went back to his place.”

  She grabbed a second tissue from the packet I brought her. They were soaked by her tears in no time.

  “We slept together,” she continued. “It was great,” she repeated, “and then we dated for a couple of weeks, until I... I... gtbeknnt...”

  “Sorry Hannah, I didn't understand that last word,” I told her.

  My roommate was so overwhelmed she could no longer articulate properly.

  “I put an end to our relationship, because I found out that I got pregnant,” she said as she wiped her face with another tissue.

  “Oh...”

  “I was only eighteen years old and I was scared!” she cried out. “I got an abortion, and I broke up with Michael so that he never found out.”

  “You never told him?”

  “Never. I didn't want him to think that he had to stay with me because of this. I wanted him to love me without feeling guilty or responsible for anything. I didn't think that would be possible, so I left him.”

  “And yet, you have been roommates for the past couple of years?”

  “At first, we didn't speak for almost a year after the break-up; he was very upset. But during our third year at Uni, we attended the same art classes again and started to hang out. We stayed friends ever since, then became roommates.”

  “Hannah, why did you run away tonight? It is obvious that you both love each other.”

  “I was sqard...”

  “Scared?” I checked.

  She nodded behind the semi-liquid tissue covering her face.

  “Scared of what?”

  “That it all goes wrong again! That we have sex, that I get pregnant... I'm afraid of having to get an abortion again!” she cried.

  Hannah had been traumatized. She told me that, being fully conscious when it took place, the surgery had been terribly distressing for her.

  “I love Michael so much...” she said, exhausted by her endless crying. “How could I ever explain to him why I'm horrified? He will hate me for having kept this secret in the first place, and for having given him false reasons for our break-up four years ago.”

  “You're going to have to tell him something, Hannah...” I tried to convince her. “You can't avoid him. He'll be back home any time soon and he's going to need some answers.”

  “I know... I know...”

  My dear roommate looked like a fallen angel, unable to find her own piece of heaven in her life, after having caused an abrupt ending to a precious love relationship and experienced the loss of a child. The only man she wanted was the one man she had hurt and lied to, thinking the truth would have tarnished the pure love they felt for one another. I put Hannah to bed that night, knowi
ng things would never be the same again in our beloved household.

  Chapter 38

  When I woke up the next morning, I rose to the sound of... nothing. Not one noise. The flat was as silent as a graveyard. I rushed out of bed, distraught by such an unsettling atmosphere. Michael's shoes were at the front door; he had most certainly returned home when Hannah and I had fallen asleep. I pressed my ear against his bedroom door, and I heard the faint purr a light snorer would make. I repeated my action to find out if Hannah was making any noise too. While listening at her door, I realized from the stomping sound of her footsteps that she was up and heading towards the corridor. In a moment of panic, I ran back to my own room and banged my big left toe against the frame of the entryway. That bloody hurt!

  I stayed in my room for about three minutes, holding tightly onto my toe until the brutal pain went away. Despite that, I was eager to see Hannah that morning. So, without waiting a minute longer, I stepped out of my bedroom, with the front of my left foot barely touching the ground.

  “Hannah?” I called out.

  I was too late. My roommate was already fully dressed, with her raincoat over her shoulders, her trainers on her feet, and a heavy looking rucksack on her back. I only just saw her sneak through the front door. She left the flat so silently that you could have heard a pin drop. She didn't even look back – although I am sure that she heard me call out her name. I knew then and there that she was unable to face her fear. She was paralysed by the past and dreaded the consequences of her actions on her relationship with Michael. I stood in the corridor, frozen by her departure. Would she ever return? Where could she have gone? What will Michael say? What should I tell him? So many questions were clogging up my mind. That's when Michael opened his bedroom door and joined me in the hallway.

  “You're awake!” I stated foolishly.

  “Mandy... It's you... Hi,” he said, his eyes barely open. “Don't take this the wrong way, but I was hoping you were Hannah.”

  “Oh dear... Michael... She's just left,” I told him while masking my heavy heart.

  “Did she say when she'll be back?” he asked.

  “No. No, she didn't.”

  He nodded and returned to his room, unaware of the complexity of the situation.

  “I'll catch up with her later then,” he yawned before closing the door behind him.

  I was still motionless in the hallway, literally incapable of moving. What would be my next step? The next one had to be helpful, had to solve the problem, had to bring back my roommate, had to take us back to how it used to be before the ball. But I was stuck. I had no idea what my next step would be.

  ***

  When Hannah didn't return home that Saturday evening, Michael started to lose it. He asked me dozens of questions, which I avoided to answer... I was torn between my loyalty to Hannah and my wish to put Michael in the know and out of his misery. Somehow, I was able to keep my mouth shut despite hearing his side of the story and wanting to fill in the gaps for him. He was desperate to know where she was, what had happened at the ball and why she had let him down once more. Throughout the weekend, he hadn't let go of his mobile, hoping for a reply from Hannah. He had been down the artists' streets, back at Uni, phoning close friends, and I even heard him rummage through Hannah's room, in search for a clue as to where she could be. Something inside me knew that my missing roommate was safe and in good hands, but I was worried she would never get over her trauma, and therefore, never be able to live the love story she always dreamed of with Michael.

  At ten o'clock, Sunday night, my flatmate ran into my bedroom and shouted at the top of his lungs:

  “I got a reply! I got a reply!”

  I stopped what I was doing immediately. Not only was I relieved that Hannah had responded to his multiple messages, but I was also glad to be pulled out of my endless revisions.

  “What does she say?”

  “Michael,” he read, “I'm sorry for leaving the ball so abruptly... I was having an amazing time with you. One day, I will explain everything. I promise.”

  He looked at me in such a way that, I could tell he wasn't going to just sit around and wait.

  “I'll start by visiting her grandma,” he said.

  “You're going to look for her? She could be anywhere, Michael!”

  Although, I did agree that Hannah's grandma was a good guess. She often spoke about her and gave her a call practically every week. It seemed that Hannah was closer to her grandmother than to her parents.

  “I found her address book in her room yesterday. If needed, I'll pay a visit to everyone in the book!”

  “Where does her grandma live?” I asked.

  “Worthing.”

  “Worthing? You're going to go all the way to Worthing?”

  “I'm leaving tomorrow.”

  I was astounded. Also excited, and nervous at the same time. I knew that he wouldn't find the usual Hannah if he managed to locate her; he would find a broken friend and a painful story. And yet, it had to be true love if Michael was willing to go through so much trouble to find, comfort and be with her. His decision to run after Hannah had allowed me to loosen up a bit. What a relief that Michael was taking the situation in hand and didn't have the intention to let the silence between them go on. That night, the sky was clear and millions of stars were shining brightly. I decided to make a wish for my roommates: that their love could overcome the past.

  Chapter 39

  Man, oh man. Chris Downes was in the library at nine o'clock on Monday morning. That couldn't be good.

  Kelly and I met up in the Marketing section early that day to revise together. We soon realised that most of the important books were already taken from the shelves. We were going to have to count on our notes and share as much information as possible. It was while we were discussing advertising and distribution that Chris walked in and stunned us both. Man, oh man, oh man, oh man... What was that sexy, devilish, unpredictable bachelor up to in the library on a Monday morning? Surely not studying. It didn't take long before he also spotted us, sitting opposite each other and going over all our papers spread out on a small table.

  “Hey!” he waved, then approached. “Have you ladies seen Digital Marketing?”

  “We can't help you, go away,” Kelly snapped.

  She was still pissed off at him for having spied on Jim and herself. I would have been too, if I hadn't been a little infatuated with his careless blond hair falling in front of his brown eyes, and if I hadn't been craving to take care of the last bruises on his face.

  “Are you working for the exams after all?” I asked him.

  “No, the book is for Jess. She asked me to get it for her.”

  “Funny, I didn't think of you as a submissive guy, Chris. First a broken phone, now a book... Does she say fetch when asking these favours of you?”

  Oh dear, that wasn't very kind of me. What had just happened in the past couple of seconds? Was I now the devil in all of this? Maybe it was because he mentioned Jessica; that may have pulled my strings a little... Chris was surprised by my unprecedented cold reaction, but Kelly loved it and was smiling as if she was getting her revenge.

  “I... I don't know why I said that...” I told him as I sought for his forgiveness just by looking into his eyes.

  “You can’t help it,” he said as he looked back at me. “When you see me, the worst of you comes out. I told you, Mandy; we are not that different.”

  And just like that, Chris walked away with another victory in our endless petty game. I wanted to run after him and check that our date was still on for Tuesday, but Kelly would have guessed that something was going on between us. I stayed put. Regrettably.

  I tried to put that awkward interaction with Chris behind me to fully focus on our papers, but I wasn't going to deny it anymore: I really liked him and it was difficult for me to forget my awful behaviour. Kelly's findings on advertising allowed me to take my mind off him for short periods of time, but when Jim
joined us at our table after lunch, it became arduous not to daydream about my approaching date with Chris, while Kelly was joking and laughing away with her new sweetheart. The heat, which had viciously returned to England over the weekend, also complicated matters. There was no air conditioning in the library and the sun was shining through the large windows like laser beams. By three o'clock in the afternoon, the building was practically empty. Most students had settled outside under trees and in the shade, and abandoned umbrellas appeared in the corridors on every floor. Kelly, Jim and I got fed up of the greenhouse effect in the library and we parted ways by four o'clock.

  ***

  Two medium-sized cardboard boxes were waiting for me when I arrived back home. Despite seriously needing a shower – it felt like all the dirt and pollution of the city had clung to my sweaty skin on my way to the flat – I took the time to open the boxes right away. I knew that inside were the jumpers that Olivia and I picked out on the internet when I visited her in hospital. Prosecco all the way, I don't even believe myself when I say I'll be ready in 5 minutes, and Don't grow up it's a trap! were the silly lines we fell for. Eager to see Olivia and to cheer her up with her new clothes, I freshened up in the bathroom and promptly got ready to visit her. When heading back outside at five thirty, I was wearing nothing but shorts, a t-shirt and my flip-flops. And even then, it was too much clothing to feel comfortable in the heat!

  Olivia was fast asleep when I reached her room. The curtains were closed to avoid the sun from intruding. It worried me that she had no ventilator to cool the place down. I stayed for a short while, hoping I would get to speak to her that day. I ended up placing the jumpers at the foot of her bed, for her to discover them when she eventually woke up. Before I left the room, I put my hands on her feet. What I really wanted to do was hug her, but I wasn't going to risk waking her up.