To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  Her feet were freezing. I was alarmed by her cold skin in such hot weather. The temperature on the wall next to her bed wrote thirty degrees. Thirty degrees! How could she be so cold! I unfolded the blanket on the edge of her bed and covered her gently. Before leaving the building, I shared my concern with one of the nurses and asked her to keep a close eye on my friend.

  That night, I made another wish. But this time, I got on my knees and put my hands together. I prayed that Olivia would survive.

  Chapter 40

  Yes, I may have gone overboard... I spent three hours in the bathroom, getting ready for my date with Chris. I only had thirty minutes left before our rendez-vous at Crosby Beach and I was still checking that I looked as perfect as possible. I had flawlessly shaved my legs and my armpits, I had carefully washed and curled my light brown hair, I had delicately put on some make-up (using Hannah's beauty products) and I had chosen a lovely light blue dress to wear for the occasion. It managed to emphasize my small, yet delightful, breasts. No, I had never spent so much time preparing for a date before. I couldn't wait for five o'clock to show Chris just how attractive I could be.

  As I stood at the junction where Endsleigh and Warrenhouse Road met, I wondered what he had in store for us that evening. Another picnic, maybe? Another drink at Behind the Curtains? I hoped so. I quite liked the granny who was not his grandma, Val. And I liked being part of his world. A world that Jessica had no idea of. In any case, the scene was ideal for our second date: a shiny yellow beach, beautiful sunshine – still hot but we could always stick our feet in the sea to cool down – and dogs were running around chasing sticks and seagulls. I remembered how fond Chris was of the labrador, and I watched the world go by as I waited for my date to show up.

  Needless to say, I was getting miffed when Chris still hadn't arrived by five fifteen.

  At five thirty, I was dispirited.

  And, as you can guess, I was downright furious by five forty-five. What the hell was he up to? Was this a memory lapse on his part, a joke, a revenge of some sort? How could I have let myself believe that this was going to be an exceptional and significant evening?

  Fuck it. By six o'clock, I was gone and I had no intention of spending the evening alone after getting all dolled up. I went to Geoffrey's.

  ***

  Geoffrey was very happy to see me. I arrived at his art gallery just as he was closing up for the day. He invited me inside and offered me a glass of red wine. I accepted without hesitation. He showed me his latest paintings drying upstairs in the workshop; we talked about my upcoming exams and he wished me good luck; he told me I looked beautiful and I kissed him forthwith. Again, without a slight bit of hesitation. I wanted to feel better, and Geoffrey was the key. A nice, funny and creative man, who had always shown interest in me. That's what I needed. For sure, he would never lie or let me down. He was thrilled that I kissed him and he embraced me in return. His hands were grazing up, down and across my back in gentle movements, and I wrapped my arms around his neck while we continued to kiss fervidly. The smell of smoke on his breath, his frizzy hair and his clothes still bothered me, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from having fun that evening. I wanted to let go of everything that had happened since Jessica's party last April. And more than anything, I needed to forget that Chris had stood me up one hour before, that Olivia was anorexic and that my roommates were in distress. Tonight was just about me – and Geoffrey. I felt his fingertips zip open the back of my dress, then the palm of his hands entered and softly brushed my skin. His touch made me aware of my naked back, and I slowed down a little.

  “I– I'm a bit nervous, Geoffrey...” I sighed with an anxious smile. “Can we take our time, please?”

  “Of course,” he ensured. “Shall I get you another glass of wine?”

  I nodded. As soon as he was looking the other way while pouring some more drink for us both, I instantly zipped up my dress.

  “Here you go,” he said, handing over a full glass. “This will help you relax.”

  “What is it?” I asked.

  Geoffrey took a look at the bottle.

  “Madeira,” he saw.

  I took a sip and found the wine to have a caramel taste to it. I took another. And another. There was an additional flavour that started to kick in after a while... I couldn't tell what it was. Nonetheless, Geoffrey was right; I felt much more relaxed after drinking some of that wine.

  He placed a clean blanket on the floor in the middle of his workshop, where we soon began to make out. We didn't talk very much, and that was fine with me. I was a cool, easy-going, laid-back girl at that point, and I was ready to let off some steam and prove that I was not a prude in any way. I was going to have a one-night stand with Geoffrey and I was going to feel good about myself. That was my plan. I felt desirable and sexy when Geoffrey lifted my dress. His hands slowly caressed my legs, my thighs, and without further ado, he started to take off my little black boxer. But a sudden bang at the front door caused him to pause for a second. We tried to ignore it, and kept on kissing. Unfortunately, the loud knocking wouldn't stop. Whoever it was had no intention to leave without seeing Geoffrey. He eventually excused himself and headed downstairs to put an end to the disturbing noise. Once he had left the room, I put my underwear back on and took another swig of wine from my glass. It must have been a strong alcoholic drink; I felt light-headed very quickly. In fact, my stomach didn't feel all that comfortable after that fifth sample. I even felt my temples starting to sweat. Maybe I was coming down with something. I stood up and scurried over to a sink that Geoffrey used for cleaning his paintbrushes. The tap wouldn't turn, when I so terribly wanted to splash. I decided to make my way down the stairs with care, to tell Geoffrey I wasn't feeling right.

  “Geoff, I think I need some fresh air...” I said as I took small steps to his exhibition room.

  He didn't reply, and his silence was worrying. I stopped in the middle of the staircase and looked up. There, on the other side of the room, was Geoffrey. He was being held by a man whose hands had grasped his t-shirt and had pressed him against the far wall. I didn't see the man's face at first, but when he finally turned around, I let out a cry of shock. It was Chris.

  “Amanda, what are you doing here?” he asked immediately, surprised to see me there too.

  “What are you doing?” I stressed.

  “This man is the supplier I told you about. The one covering for my father.”

  He then turned to him and pressed him harder against the wall.

  “I know he was here this afternoon! Where has he gone to now?” Chris ordered Geoffrey to answer.

  “Fuck off!” Geoffrey shouted.

  “The... The... The... supplier, who beat you up?” I checked with Chris. “It can't be! This is Geoffrey!” I told him.

  “Well, well...” Chris mumbled as he stared at him with anger, “you're Amanda's Geoffrey... Another good reason for me to punch the shit out of you!”

  My vision was getting blurry and I felt nauseous. It was all getting confusing for me.

  “It can't be... It can't be...” I struggled to say as I stumbled down the last steps.

  Chris instantly let go of Geoffrey and rushed over to me. He held me by the waist so that I didn't lose balance.

  “I don't feel good, Chris...” I said.

  “What have you given her?” he asked Geoffrey.

  “He hasn't given me anything...” I intervened, “...it's just the wine.”

  “WHAT HAVE YOU PUT IN THE WINE?” Chris yelled at his adversary.

  “A little something to help her relax,” he gave away.

  The man I was about to have sex with didn't even lift a finger to assist me.

  “You... You drugged me!” I panicked.

  “A little ecstasy never hurt anybody,” he remarked, indifferent.

  “What... What about your art?” I asked him.

  “What about it?”

  “Surely... you don't... you don't
need to sell drugs–”

  “How the fuck do you think I managed to survive five years as an artist, Mandy?” he said aggressively.

  “I... I think I'm going to be sick!”

  In a split second, I ran out of the front door. I took deep breaths, hoping it would calm me down. I could still hear Chris and Geoffrey shouting inside. They were arguing. Something about me at first... Then something about Chris' father... Something about me again... After that, I heard a huge thump, and a frightful sound of breaking glass followed. I was about to head back in when Chris hurried out of the building, slammed the door shut behind him and took me by the hand. We ran away from the artists' street together. When I looked back for a brief moment, I saw Geoffrey in the distance, standing outside his studio, with blood dripping down his left arm.

  Chapter 41

  At Behind the Curtains, Fay was my favourite. She would surprise me every thirty seconds with an acrobatic trick, and she would do it so gracefully that it seemed effortless. Her mini golden outfit highlighted her tan and her muscles, and her blond hair would shine just as brightly as her costume when the lights landed onto her pole, which was positioned in the middle of the stage. She was in perfect synchronisation with the loud chill music. I was fascinated by her. While Chris was at the bar, getting some water, I sat in a lounge chair right in front of the stage of the club, and I watched three dancers light up the podium with skill and splendour. If it didn't work out in Marketing, I had found my back-up job: pole dancing. The fresh air must have done me good, as I felt so much better when we arrived at the club. To tell the truth, I had never felt better! Full of energy. Relaxed. Happy. And in good company. The show going on in front of me was outstanding and magical. I loved every bit of it.

  Chris handed over a glass of water.

  “I feel fine now,” I told him. “A Martini would be more appropriate for this occasion, don't you think?”

  “No,” he said, placing the glass on my side table. “Drink. You need it.”

  “I told you; I feel fine, Chris. Stop worrying.”

  He sat next to me.

  “What's the occasion?” he asked.

  “What occasion?”

  “You just said that a Martini would be more appropriate for this occasion...”

  “Ah yes, it's our second date!”

  “This is not a date, Amanda. I'm keeping an eye on you for the next six-seven hours, then I'm taking you home.”

  “Not a date? Ah yes... I remember... You didn't show up. I got all dolled up, and you didn't show up!” I laughed hysterically.

  I could tell I wasn't in my usual state, but I enjoyed feeling free to express whatever I wanted.

  “You stood me up!” I continued, giggling away. “Isn't that funny? I waited one whole hour for you!”

  “I'm sorry Amanda,” he said, keeping a straight face. “I was looking for my father, and I almost got him...”

  “Well, I hope you'll find your dad, Chris. It is a special bond, father and son. I'm sure he'll be happy to meet you.”

  I didn't realise at the time what I had just said; thank goodness that Chris knew I wasn't totally myself. I picked up my water and drank it down in one go.

  “Tell me, Chris,” I went on, “have you ever slept with one of these dancers?”

  “Don't be silly.”

  “They're gorgeous! Hasn't it even occurred to you?”

  “Never. They're family.”

  “Fair enough. I'm just saying... Between that golden dancer and Jessica, I would have chosen the dancer. How's it going with Jess by the way?”

  “Fine.”

  “Fine? Is that all? FINE?”

  “Yes, fine,” he repeated, trying not to get sucked into my malarkey.

  “...Doesn't sound thrilling to me...” I commented.

  Chris ignored my disrespectful remarks. I got bored, so I stood up to get some more water.

  “I'll get it for you,” he insisted.

  “You don't trust me?”

  “Not tonight, no.”

  “How dare you!” I heckled.

  “Mandy,” he whispered in my ear, “you have been drugged... Please just sit down and I'll take care of the rest. Okay?”

  “No, it's not okay!” I fired back. “It's not okay not to trust me! I have given you no reasons not to trust me! You, on the other hand, have told lies, have stood me up, have made out that I am a prig as well as a voyeur, have blackmailed me–”

  “I get the point,” he said to calm me down.

  “Why don't you trust me?” I nagged.

  “I do,” he sighed. “Just, let me take care of things tonight.”

  I guess I couldn't resist his determination to protect me... I snuggled back down into the lounge chair, and I even kept quiet for a short while. My silence inevitably ceased once Chris was back with a refreshment.

  “Geoffrey provides drugs for your dad?” I asked overtly.

  “Not so loud, Amanda!” he muttered under his breath. “Yes. He's the supplier; my father is the seller.”

  “Well, as I am now an official consumer, you can tell him that they are pretty darn good!” I giggled.

  Chris didn't find it funny. I was making a fool of myself, but was not really aware of it. All I wanted was to have fun.

  “Do you like my dress? I chose it particularly for you this evening.”

  “Yes,” he answered.

  I got a little closer to him.

  “Shall we go to your room?”

  Chris knew exactly what I meant by that.

  “No.”

  I took offence.

  “Why not? Isn't it what you always said you wanted? To get into my knickers?”

  “That's enough, Amanda.”

  “Chris, it's okay, let's do it! I'm not a prude!”

  “Yes, you are!” he rubbed in.

  Something snapped inside me. I hated that word, prude. I AM NOT A PRUDE! In a flash, I left my chair and sprinted to the stage, giving Chris no time to stop me. I stepped onto the podium and pushed Fay away from her pole. She had no clue as to what was going on and left the stage to avoid looking awkward in front of about twenty habitués watching the show. This was it; the perfect moment to show Chris Downes what I was truly made of. I started to move slowly around the pole, tossing my shoes off of my feet. One even hit a client's glass of whisky. The large man wasn't impressed and immediately called for a waitress to bring him another. I ignored him and got into the rhythm of the snazzy music. Feeling as free as a bird flying in the sky, I moved my body as sensually and erotically as possible. I had never taken ballet lessons in my life, but for some reason I found myself imitating many of the genre's gestures, raising my legs and winding them around the pole, and lifting my right arm in a broad circular movement while keeping my head up high. As I span around the pole over and over again, I lifted my blue dress flirtatiously. The men liked that. It was obvious to everybody that I wasn't meant to be there, but the clients enjoyed the unexpected and the original. When they began to whistle and cheer, I looked up at the crowd and smiled. I was on top of the world! Then, I found Chris, Fay and Val in the crowd, standing just in front of the stage. They were talking amongst themselves while keeping an eye on me. Unlike the rest of the room, they weren't smiling at all. When I captured Chris' attention, and I knew that his eyes were focused on me, I began to take off the left strap of my dress. The right strap followed directly after. My shoulders, and most of my chest, were blushing under the hot spotlights. As I lifted my dress one more time to show the spectators my little black boxer, I felt two strong hands grab my arms and pull me off stage. That's when I blacked out.

  Chapter 42

  The struggle to open my eyes the next morning was like nothing I had experienced before. It felt as if a hammer was pounding inside my head and keeping me down by force. I slowly tried to sit up while holding my face between my two hands. Oh, the pain... Unbearable! I needed an aspirin. It took me a couple of minutes t
o realise I was in a bed, but not in my own room. I took a deep breath and leaned back onto the palm of my hands to hopefully stay sitting. When I finally managed to open my eyes, I saw that I had been sleeping in a little white bedroom. There were hardly any decorations on the walls, except for a photo of a Beagle pinned up next to the bed. The dog seemed old in the picture. A sleeping bag was laid out on the floor, as well as a cushion. I, on the other hand, was covered by a light yellow quilt and had three pillows behind me. My blue dress was hanging on the back of the door. Shit... I was only wearing my underwear! Bit by bit, I became conscious of the fact that I couldn't recollect what had happened the night before. The last image that stuck in my brain was the mortified look on Chris, Fay and Val's faces while I was dancing in front of some very enthusiastic men. I began to panic: why was I only wearing my bra and boxers? Where was I? What had I done that night? Shit! My heart was beating fast, and my hands and arms trembled with fear. I wanted to get out of that place as fast as possible, but my headache kept me prisoner in that bed a little longer. A sudden knock on the door made me worry even more.

  “C– C– Come in...” I stammered.

  Chris entered the room with a glass of water in his hands. I instantly covered myself with the quilt. Only my head was visible to him.

  “I brought you something to drink,” he said as he handed it over to me.

  “Could I get a paracetamol with that?”

  “Best not. Not just yet.”

  Before I knew it, the pain, the worry and the memory loss got the better of me and made me weep in front of him.

  “I– I don't remember... What happened last night?” I asked him, in misery. “Did we have... s– sex? I don't remember!”