To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “You probably shouldn't be alone. You need company. Give me a couple of days to figure something out for the kids, and I'll come and stay with you over the weekend.”

  “That... That would be great, Jassy.”

  My body immediately stopped trembling when my sister offered to visit me. Her presence was just what I needed.

  “You probably need to talk to Chris too,” she added.

  “Wouldn't I be betraying Olivia though, somehow? She likes him... I'm afraid it might prevent her from getting better. I would also be going behind Jessica's back if I did that... Not that I care about her but... I had told her that I wasn't interested in her boyfriend and...”

  “Stop worrying about other people's feelings, Mandy!” she told me in a firm voice. “You need to listen to yourself, to your own needs, to your own desires. Lead your own life. Their feelings don't matter any more than yours, and you are not responsible for theirs! Do what you need to do, and be true to yourself.”

  Her advice hit me like a slap in the face.

  Chapter 44

  Panic attacks kept cropping up throughout the week. My body had forgotten how to rest and nothing could bring relief to my angst. Well, almost nothing... Thankfully, the attacks started to fade away once my sister turned up on the Friday night. As soon as she took me in her loving arms, my shoulders released, my breathing relaxed and my mind regained its composure. I slept like a baby that night – practically eleven hours! – and I felt safe at long last. Jasmine's hugs always had the power to comfort me, as well as her soft motherly way of speaking and her attentive blue eyes. Ever since the birth of her oldest child, my sister had become a master of consoling people. Even her looks now depended on how efficient she can be with her children under any circumstances... Therefore, her brown hair would always be tied up in a knot, her trousers would never be too tight, and she had given up on wearing jumpers. Nowadays, they were considered as nothing more than a superfluous weight to carry on her shoulders whilst running after her two tireless weasels!

  The next morning, Jasmine gave me no choice and took me to the police station. I did my best to present the facts to a rather smelly officer. It wasn't easy to tell my story to a man who stank of Tobacco, just like Geoffrey did. The smell stayed with me for the rest of the day, even when my sister and I headed to a perfume shop (she couldn't resist the alluring display of the new expensive eau de parfum “Moon” while we were walking through the town centre). I had no idea what was going to happen to Geoffrey after my visit to the police, but I prayed I hadn't put myself into more trouble by filing a complaint.

  On Sunday, Jasmine accompanied me to the hospital, to see Olivia. My friend was in good spirits, so we spent all visiting hours of the day playing cards with her. Giggling with Jassy and Olivia took a load off my mind. For the first time in a long while, I felt like myself again. And that was a wonderful feeling. When we came back to the flat at the end of the day, Hannah and Michael had returned. They were cooking a meal together in the kitchen – I guessed that meant they were back together... I would have to investigate on that later on. For the present, I wanted to enjoy my sister's company. It certainly reassured Jasmine to know that I wasn't going to be alone at home from then on. After all, she had to get back to Plymouth; her husband and children were waiting for her. That being so, we made the most of our last night together by locking ourselves in my room and watching the comedy Hitch. Will Smith had always been our go-to actor whenever we wanted to have a good laugh. It took me back to the days when we watched countless episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air after school. I loved those special and cosy moments with my sister. That night, Jassy and I were scoffing Maltesers and rolling about with laughter from Will Smith's witty humour, just like the little girls we were not so long ago...

  I often wondered whether Jasmine had missed me as much as I had missed her ever since she had left the family home to live with Francis. It meant the world to me that she had travelled all the way to Merseyside that weekend to help me overcome the current events. As I said goodbye to her on platform B at the train station early Monday morning, she wrapped her arms around me one more time. The elegant and soft scent of her new fragrance “Moon” appeased me and made me smile. She kissed my cheek, turning that smile into half a dozen tears welling up in my eyes and running down my cheeks.

  “No matter how far I am, I'll always be there for you,” she said to me as she gently wiped my tears away with the tip of her fingers. “There is always a happy ending, Mandy,” she reminded me. “And if it's not happy yet... ”

  “...then it's not over,” I finished.

  I watched her get on the train and we waved goodbye until we could no longer see each other. Then, I took a slow walk back home, knowing that whatever happened in my life, happy or sad, embarrassing or exciting, Jassy would never abandon me.

  Chapter 45

  “I spotted Michael through the window and I immediately ran upstairs while shouting "Don't let him in!" to my grandma,” Hannah told me. “But she did.”

  We were sitting at the kitchen table when my roommate initiated the conversation. I was about to mention Geoffrey, but she beat me to it. I didn't mind; I was eager to hear her story. Mine could wait.

  “I wasn't expecting to see Michael turn up at our door! My grandma loved him the minute she saw him,” Hannah said with a smile on her face. “She had heard so much about him! We ended up having lunch together, then dinner, and he stayed overnight.”

  “So, did you tell him everything?” I asked.

  “Not at first... I made up some stupid nonsense about not being ready for a relationship, needing time for myself, bla bla bla... He didn't buy it, of course. On Tuesday, he insisted that I tell him the truth. We were taking a nice stroll at Devil's Dyke at the time, a beautiful green valley. I didn't want to ruin our outing, but I had to face the fact that it was, actually, the perfect moment to come clean. I explained everything: my love for him, getting pregnant, being ashamed of it, the fear of losing him, the break-up, the abortion... and dreading to have sex again ever since.”

  “How did he take it?”

  “Badly. Well, badly is an understatement...” she sighed. “He was shocked and distressed... He shouted at me for ages, yelling how unfair I had been towards him; how betrayed he felt for being kept in the dark all these years; how disgusted he was that I had imagined he could have cast me and the baby aside... He fled the premises, leaving me alone at Devil's Dyke, and I didn't see him again for three days.”

  “What happened then?” I asked, getting carried away by her story.

  I adored my roommates so much, I was desperate to hear a happy ending!

  “Michael came back to my grandma's cottage and found me wallowing in her arms – something that she had gotten used to,” she specified. “Michael had stayed in Brighton and had thought it through. When he returned to us on the Friday, he wasn't angry anymore. He asked me to take a walk with him, and as we wandered along the seaside, he asked if we could start things over.”

  “You must have been so glad...” I said, pleased for them.

  “Yes. And I cried again. But happy tears, this time.”

  Hannah's eyes twinkled as she described how Michael took her hands in his and how he forgave all of her lies.

  “I swore to him that I would never, ever, lie again!” Hannah guaranteed.

  I was overjoyed that their love had been able to prevail over a heart-rending past.

  Before heading to my room to concentrate on Company Economics – exciting, as always – I gave an affectionate hug to my dear roommate. After our embrace, I began to walk away, but I caught her saying something that I didn't quite make out.

  “Sorry?” I asked, stepping back towards her.

  “You had something to tell me too, didn't you?” she mentioned. “You said you had a rough week...?”

  I hesitated for a moment.

  “Nothing urgent,” I replied as I shook my head and smiled.
/>
  It would have been a mood breaker to bring up Geoffrey at that instant. Our conversation had concluded on a peaceful feeling. I wanted to hold on to it for a little while longer.

  Chapter 46

  I tried my best not to think about Chris. It wasn't easy. Being busy was the key to avoid rumination. As a result, I never stopped studying. At home, at the library with Kelly and Jim, at hospital with Olivia (alas, she still struggled to keep up), before going to sleep, as soon as I woke up... I never stopped. Not once did I spot Chris on campus throughout the last week of revisions. I did, however, bump into Jessica a couple of times. Thankfully, she was too taken by her new smartphone to ever notice me pass by.

  In the evenings, I was lucky to have Michael and Hannah to keep me company. They eventually had asked me how things were going with Geoffrey, and I told them the entire meltdown. They were dumbfound and disappointed to hear what kind of man he truly was.

  “Thank goodness nothing happened to you,” said Michael. “Who is this Chris? He sounds like a good man to have around...”

  “A friend from Uni,” I said in response, without going into too much detail.

  Although I wanted to share all of my story with them, I no longer had the energy to speak about my feelings for Chris. I had been over it so many times with my sister, and I was certain that Michael and Hannah would say the same as Jasmine... “You need to speak to him. Tell him how you feel.” I wasn't up to it. Helping Olivia and passing the final exams were my only goals. I had no time and no desire to declare my love to Chris.

  ***

  Olivia had a meeting with her therapist on Thursday at two o'clock. After helping her eat her lunch in a hospital room that both she and I had gotten used to, I left her to it and made my way to the university's campus park that afternoon to soak up the sun. It felt good to allow myself a small break from my studies. I sat under a magnificent oak tree on some crispy yellow grass and I watched strangers discuss, laugh, eat and read. I wondered what their stories were... Had they experienced anything similar to me, Olivia, Hannah, Michael, Kelly or Chris? Had they ever wanted to become a different version of themselves? Had they ever felt shame, fear, loneliness, as well as love, support and happiness? Had they ever been betrayed, humiliated, helped or even saved? The answer could have only been yes, to all of these questions.

  The ways in which we hurt each other are limitless, as are the ways in which we comfort one another. We all discover how fragile and how strong we can be throughout our impediments. One day we are the saviour, one day the victim. Up and down. A cycle that goes round and round, until suddenly, we are expelled from the pattern. That would be the point of no return, when we decide what we will and will never put up with again from then on. We finally welcome our ever-changing positive and negative emotions without resistance, we accept that storms are bound to come our way after a moment of peace, and we learn who we truly are – the good and the bad – regardless if we fit the mould defined by our entourage, by culture or by media. It is the moment when we decide to love ourselves no matter what, rather than constantly seeking love from others by trying to be someone else...

  While meditating on life, Tommy appeared in the corner of my left eye. He usually always wore chequered shirts and beige trousers – every single day of his life! – but for some reason, his appearance looked different as he approached me that afternoon. I soon recognised his new style... It was Chris'! Just like Mr Downes, Tommy was wearing a basic t-shirt and Denim shorts. Oh yes, and the famous tousled hair! He wasn't blond like Chris though; his hair was black. The only part of his outfit he hadn't changed were his rectangular red glasses. All the guys wanted to look like Chris ever since he had arrived at our university, and Tommy wasn't an exception to that rule.

  “Olivia still not back?” he asked.

  “Hi!” I replied to begin.

  “Hiya,” he said, and sat beside me.

  “Any news?” he checked.

  “Not back yet.”

  “She's been gone for a while... Have you heard from her?”

  “Yes, I see her practically every day. She's in hospital, Tommy.”

  “Shit! What happened?” he asked with his eyes wide open.

  “She's not eating...”

  “Oh god! Is she anorexic?”

  “Yes.”

  Tommy looked away to fully take in the news. I thought he was going to leave shortly after getting the answers to his questions, but to my surprise, he stayed with me for a little while longer.

  “My cousin is struggling with bulimia,” he told me. “It started when he was fourteen... He's still working on it today.”

  “How old is he now?”

  “He's our age. Twenty.”

  I let out a little cry of consternation.

  “I'm sorry to hear that.”

  We both stared into space. I had no idea what he was thinking about, but I was dreadfully worried that it would take just as long for Olivia to overcome her eating disorder.

  “Will she make it to the exams?” asked Tommy.

  I sensed a genuine concern due to the trembling in his voice.

  “I doubt it. I haven't given up on her though.”

  “Only four days left...” he reminded.

  I nodded.

  “Any news from Chris? Haven't seen him much either...” he noticed.

  “What makes you think I would know where he is?”

  ...I may have gotten a bit defensive there. Luckily, Tommy didn't pay any attention to my skittish reaction.

  “He's probably up to no good, as usual!” he chuckled.

  A long as he wasn't putting himself in danger... I hoped.

  “He's driving Jessica crazy, that's for sure!” he mentioned. “He's still ignoring her calls, and she's hysterical about it!”

  On one hand, I felt sorry for Jessica; she was entirely left out of Chris' life. Apart from their physical attraction, there seemed to be no depth to their relationship. She had never met gigantic Dave or sweet Val, and she had never discovered where Chris lived nor what his past had been like... On the other hand, I felt favoured and privileged. I liked that. I had seen a whole different side of Chris Downes, and that would always remain a precious secret to me.

  Chapter 47

  “He's gone! He's gone!” Michael yelled when he entered the flat the following evening.

  He had opened the front door with such strength and speed that it banged against the nearby cupboard, making the glasses and plates inside it clatter, and consequently making Hannah and I freeze. We were sitting on the couch in the living room, enjoying a fresh iced tea, when Michael rushed in without warning.

  “Who's gone?” asked Hannah, concerned.

  “Geoffrey!” he shouted, out of breath from running up four flights of stairs.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “He's closed down his studio! There are no more paintings! Empty! And no lights on!”

  “Are you sure he's gone? Has he moved? Or did the police catch him?” I urged.

  “I spoke to...”

  Michael took a moment to catch his breath.

  “...to the neighbour, Mrs Wood...”

  Her name wasn't really Mrs Wood; we could never remember her real one – which sounded German – so we came up with our own name to give her. She happened to work with wood... Cuckoo clocks and hand-carved wooden masks, handicrafts like that.

  “Mrs Wood said that Geoffrey came round Wednesday last week to give her his keys. Apparently, he was moving to Spain!”

  It struck me that at the very moment I was having brunch with Chris and Val, Geoffrey was leaving the country.

  “Mrs Wood said that his studio is up for sale now!”

  Hannah put her arm around me.

  “You can sleep peacefully now,” she reassured me. “He's gone.”

  “Yes, he’s run away!” agreed Michael.

  “I hope he won't come back,” I said, both relieved and wary at th
e same time.

  “What were you doing down that street today, Michael?” asked Hannah.

  “I've been meaning to give Geoffrey a piece of my mind!”

  “Gosh, Michael... Geoffrey beat up Chris...” I told him. “I would have been devastated if anything had happened to you... He's a dangerous man.”

  “Not as dangerous as a furious roommate! He should consider himself lucky not to be in the same town as me anymore!”

  I was moved by Michael's instinct to protect me. I smiled and thanked him for being like a brother to me. He gave me the sweetest wink, then headed to the shower to cool down. Hannah watched him walk away with loving eyes.

  ***

  Three loud knocks on the front door woke me up from a deep sleep. At first, I thought I had imagined them, but when the sound of Michael's creaky handle reached my ears, I guessed my roommates – who had been sleeping together ever since their return from Brighton – had also been disturbed by the unexpected thumps. Someone was indeed trying to get hold of us in the middle of the night. A few seconds later, I heard Hannah discuss with a man. I couldn't make out who he was or what they were saying. It was only when my roommate tapped on my bedroom door that I realised the visitor had come to see me...

  “Mandy... Mandy... Are you awake?” she murmured.

  “Yes,” I said, but my eyes were still closed.

  She turned the doorknob and leaned inside to speak to me properly.

  “There's a man at the door for you...”

  “What's the time?”

  “Two a.m.”

  “Crumbs...” I moaned. “Who is it?”

  “It's Chris.”

  In an instant, I was wide awake.

  “Okay. Please tell him I'll be there in a sec'.”

  “I'll do that. By the way, you never mentioned how handsome your friend is!” she added before closing the door.