To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  I put on a long blue cardigan to cover most of my embarrassing pink pyjamas and brusquely combed my hair. When I stepped out of my chamber, I found Chris waiting in the living room. Hannah had returned to bed.

  “Is everything alright, Chris?” I asked.

  That was a stupid question. Of course not... Why would anybody disturb a friend at night? Not only that, Chris looked terrified. His face was unsettled, his hands were shaking and his black t-shirt was soaked in sweat.

  “What's going on?”

  “I’ve found my dad,” he said.

  A chilling silence followed. Suddenly, Chris lost control of his emotions and broke down in tears.

  “What a fucking mistake that was!” he cried out.

  I took his right arm and began to guide him to the sofa.

  “I'd rather stay standing,” he uttered.

  He wiped the tears rolling down his cheeks.

  “Okay,” I replied in a gentle voice, attempting to calm his nerves.

  I remained standing too.

  “I've really gone and done it now... I've fucked up my life!”

  “Chris, what did you do?”

  I feared his answer. His desperation was alarming.

  “I can't stay long... The police is after me. I don't want them to find me here; it'll put you in trouble. No matter what happens, I was never here, okay? I was NEVER HERE, Amanda!” he made me swear.

  I nodded, confused and weak-kneed.

  “My father... He is... dead,” he revealed under his breath as he buried his face in his hands.

  “What!” I screeched, as quietly as possible so as not to wake the entire building.

  “This week, I finally found his hide-out. It's further up the coast,” he explained. “I went there tonight. There were no lights on inside. I wanted to sneak up on him and... But I didn't kill him, Mandy! I didn't kill him!” he insisted. “Please believe me!”

  He looked at me with begging tearful eyes while drops of sweat were beading on his forehead.

  “Please believe me,” he repeated, taking a step closer to me.

  “I believe you,” I promised. “Calm down... Start again from the beginning.”

  He took a deep breath, then resumed.

  “...I wanted to sneak up on him... I wanted to avenge my mum... She was taken away from me too soon because of him! I wanted to hurt him, but I swear, I never wanted to kill him!”

  “Okay...”

  “I broke into his flat. It's just a small studio. His bed is right next to the kitchen area.”

  “You broke in?”

  “I broke a window.”

  “Oh, Chris...” I whispered, terrified.

  I didn't like where his story was headed. I was so anxious that my legs were wobbly.

  “My dad was lying on his bed... I could barely see him in the dark but the moonlight allowed me to see shapes. He was on his chest, his head had sunk into the pillow, and he wasn't moving. I shouted at him to wake him up... He didn't shift. I approached him and called out his name – well, the name I was given by one of his regular customers – Jerry. Still no reaction. So I... I... I pulled his right shoulder with both my hands to turn him round and see his face...”

  Chris took a look at his palms with fright. They were shaking like autumn leaves hanging by a thread from skinny branches on a windy day.

  “My hands, they were covered in blood... My dad had been stabbed!”

  I covered my mouth, horrified.

  “...A neighbour must have seen me break in, 'cause I soon heard the police sirens in the distance. I ran...” he confessed. “I ran! I climbed out of the window and... Mandy, I think some officers saw me escape the scene of the crime, and my fingerprints are still all over my father's bare shoulder! I'm fucked!”

  “My god... Chris... I... I don't know what– Wait, fingerprints? Why weren't you wearing gloves?” I asked, as if I was an expert on breaking and entering.

  “They ripped as I was climbing the tree outside his window. I got them from the kitchen at the club... I thought they would do the trick, but they turned out to be utter crap! And I... Oh shit... they're still on the ground outside the building! I rushed out, you see... I was so frightened! I wasn't thinking clearly! Shit! I fucked up!” he cried out, pacing back and forth in the living room.

  “Oh, Chris...”

  “I hurried to the shore,” he continued. “It was dark there, I hid behind the dunes and I washed my hands off in the sea. And then...”

  He froze for a moment.

  “And then, I thought of you. I wanted to see you, Mandy. I wanted you to know the truth before the police finds me. Please believe me when I say I didn't kill my father...”

  I placed my two hands around his neck and looked deep into his eyes.

  “I believe you, Chris.”

  Tears were spilling down his face and wetting my hands. Chris closed his eyes and leaned forward, pressing his forehead against mine, and his shaky hands clutched at my cardigan. His body and soul were pleading for closeness and warmth, as if it would be the last comfort he would receive for a very long time. He held on to me so tight I felt that he never wanted to let me go. I eventually closed my eyes too, giving into the affection and tenderness we shared for one another. A deep fervour we wished we had had the courage to express long before this crazy night...

  ***

  “What next?” I asked him, my fingers timidly gliding up and down his neck.

  He opened his eyes and pushed my hair away from my face.

  “You're going to get your degree; I'm going to give myself up,” he said.

  “Chris–”

  “I have no other choice.”

  “I want to help you...”

  “I don't want you to get involved, Mandy. It'll do you no good.”

  I took his hands in mine.

  “I don't want you to be alone in this... I don't want you to suffer, Chris. Please let me do something to help.”

  He took a moment to consider my proposal.

  “Very well... I do have one favour to ask of you...”

  “Yes, anything,” I told him.

  “It is Val who will suffer the most... Please take care of her. She'll be devastated.”

  “Of course,” I assured him.

  “Please tell her I made a mistake. A fucking stupid mistake! Tell her I love her, so much.”

  Hearing such a powerful word come out of Chris' mouth made my feelings for him soar even more. It gave me the courage to tell him that, I too, loved him so much, with all my heart. And I realised it was now or never to declare it...

  I looked at him with serious and yearning eyes, as if to warn him that I was going to make a move. My legs wobbled more and more as I slowly came closer to his face. He could tell that I was preparing for what would be a critical moment in our relationship. He was all for it. Without wasting one more second of the short time we had together, Chris pulled me towards him, and in the blink of an eye, he kissed me with such passion and fire that, I swear, my body temperature increased by five degrees in a heartbeat! I felt his soft warm lips against mine, making my legs so weak I could barely stand. I wrapped my arms around his back, and as my fingertips glided between his shoulders and his hips, I discerned his strong muscles through the humid t-shirt he was wearing. I clung to him with the force of a magnet and he took me deeper and deeper into a trance where only he and I existed.

  ***

  Approaching sirens of a police car made Chris jump and caused him to put an end to our flaming kiss.

  “I've got to go...” he said.

  We relished our bodies being close. It tore us apart to have to let go of one another after such a brief moment in each other's arms.

  “Chris, please let me be your witness,” I begged.

  “No,” he replied, with certainty.

  “But Chris... You risk going to...”

  I couldn't say the word.

  “Pass your exams. Take care of
Val. That's all I want you to do,” he ordered.

  It was heartbreaking to know that the man I loved was going to have to defend himself without any outside help; and it was impossible for me to accept that.

  “Chris...” I cried.

  He placed his fingers on my lips, forbidding me to persist. Then, he kissed me one more time. My heart was no longer the only part of my body to have fallen madly in love with Chris Downes; my hands, my lips, my eyes, my tongue, my breasts, all of me had lost control and was entirely his from that moment on.

  “I love you, Chris,” I dared to say.

  Tears welled up in his eyes. His lips were trembling. I could feel his heartbeat thump through his chest.

  “...How can you love a bastard like me!” he whispered.

  “Not a bastard. You are hurt, Chris. That is all,” I said wholeheartedly. “Is it possible that... you could fall in love with a prude like me?”

  He smiled, then replied to my question without reservation.

  “I've loved you since the moment you ripped your tent at Jessica's party.”

  I giggled.

  “You can be so stubborn...” he laughed.

  The sirens reiterated down a street nearby. Our sparkle of joy didn't last long.

  “If only I had been honest from the very beginning...” he wished.

  “If only I had given us a chance when we first met...” I regretted.

  We gazed into each other's eyes. Our lips met one last time, in a sensual and torrid kiss.

  ***

  The moment Chris stepped out of the front door, my body ached with grief. I was crushed. A feeling of guilt gripped my throat and chest, making it difficult to breathe normally. How could I have accepted to abandon him to his fate! I rushed to the kitchen window and looked out onto the street. The lamp posts were still all alight. I spotted Chris walk out of the building. Without thinking twice, I opened the window and I yelled out his name. He didn't hear me. A patrolling police car appeared up the street and was driving in Chris' direction.

  “CHRIS!” I called at the top of my lungs.

  I think he heard me that time, but he decided not to turn around. He swiftly wiped his eyes, then marched to the middle of the street and put his hands up in the air. The police sirens blasted out straight away and the car raced to the man standing alone in the middle of the road. When they were close enough to Chris, the two officers came to a stop and rushed out of the car, guns pointing towards him. My heart was beating painfully in my chest as I watched Chris move slowly towards the officers. He surrendered with such vulnerability...

  The moment he turned his back to them and faced the opposite way, one policeman ran over and grabbed his arms, placed them behind his back and cuffed him at once. In the meantime, the other one checked he hadn't hidden a weapon underneath his clothes. Once he had been meticulously examined, they escorted Chris to the rear seat of the car, shut the door behind him, and took him away.

  It all happened so fast, and yet, it felt like a lifetime of heartache. I fell to the kitchen floor and shouted out a cry of agony. Hardly five seconds later, my roommates came rushing out of their room to pick me up off the ground.

  Chapter 48

  Hannah and Michael knew exactly where to find me... Under my covers. All through the most important weekend of my studies, the one before the final exams, I hardly ever left my bedroom. Only nature's call and a gurgling stomach compelled me to emerge from under my beloved quilt. A quilt that made me believe I could hide away from real life; a duvet that would protect me from hurtful emotions. My roommates knocked on my door once in a while, to ask if I needed anything or to encourage me to revise my notes. Unfortunately I could never respond positively to their suggestions, help or advice. Passing my exams had become superfluous. What joy could I ever get from graduating without Olivia and Chris by my side? That weekend, a degree didn't mean a thing to me. All I wanted was my friend and my love to be safe, healthy and free.

  However, I had made a promise which needed to be fulfilled. Val was most certainly worried to death about her dearest boy's absence. It was essential that I paid a visit to Behind the Curtains as soon as possible. On Sunday afternoon, I finally found the courage to escape my illusive bubble. I hadn't looked out of the window for over twenty-four hours; I was taken by surprise by a sudden drop in temperatures as I left the flat wearing only a light t-shirt and linen shorts. The sun was unable to pierce the gathering of heavy dark grey clouds moving slowly across the sky. It was a dull spring day; very different to the hot summer-like episode we had been experiencing for months.

  Gigantic Dave welcomed me with open arms when I arrived at the club – that was surprising... Our last encounter involved some highly embarrassing and unauthorized pole dancing moves, to the point that he had had to carry me off stage. Not a flattering image or memory; I truly looked like a drunken monkey! I didn't think I would be welcome back after that. Today, we didn't bother with greeting formalities; there were no “hellos”, no “how are you?”, no “nice to see you again”, no “what brings you here?”, and no mention of our last interaction. Dave got straight to the point.

  “Have you heard about Chris?” he asked.

  “Yes...” I replied with a heavy heart. “Any news?”

  Two police officers walked out of the club at that very moment. They didn't even notice me standing there; they simply wished Dave a good day and drove off.

  “They've started an investigation,” he said. “Val has been overwhelmed with questions for hours.”

  “Oh dear, poor Val. I must talk to her.”

  “I'm sure she could use a friendly face...”

  Dave lifted the big black curtain by one corner and invited me to call on her then and there. I thanked him and stepped into the club. At three o'clock in the afternoon, Behind the Curtains already had fifteen customers. They were all watching Christina, Fay, Nathalie and Ela pole-dance under the dim red lights. It was obvious that the girls weren't enjoying the show; all of them forced a smile and moved with little motivation. Their bodies appeared heavy and melancholic. Anyone could see that their minds weren’t on the job. As for Josh and Val, they were nowhere to be found. I guessed they were upstairs.

  It was with a lot of apprehension that I was walked up the narrow circular staircase. Progressively, I heard Val's cries behind the wall.

  “How can this be!” she repeated endlessly.

  I knocked on the apartment door.

  “I hope that's not the police again...” she sorrowed.

  “It's– It's me, Val. Mandy,” I informed her.

  I was expecting to see her face when the door opened, but Josh saluted me first.

  “Come in,” he said curtly. “It's good that you’re here... I need to get back to the bar. Can you take care of her for a little while?”

  “Of course.”

  Josh turned to Val, who was curled up on her old sofa, her shoulders covered by a grey woolly blanket.

  “I'll be back soon, okay?” he checked.

  “Yes... yes... Of course, the customers are waiting...” Val said in a feverish voice.

  She was pale and trembling.

  “Let me get you a hot drink,” I offered.

  I turned the kettle on without asking for her permission. Josh left the room with leaden steps; he was torn between getting back to work and watching over his mentor.

  “Oh my little boy...” Val wailed, ravaged with fear. “What is going to happen to my little boy... You don't believe he did it, do you?”

  I wasn't sure what she was talking about. The infraction or the murder?

  “My Chris could never harm him...” she continued. “No matter how horrible his father was, he could never kill him!”

  Ah, right, the murder.

  “I don't believe he did it,” I told her.

  “Did the police interrogate you too?”

  “No.”

  “How–How do you know about the murder, then?” she ask
ed.

  Wow, I messed up there! Chris had specifically told me to pretend as if he didn’t show up at my place on Friday night. I shouldn't have known about his father's death. Oh, shoot! Well, who was I kidding... Of course I was going to tell Val the whole story! She needed to know. And she had the right to know. Chris was her darling boy. I walked over to the sofa and my bottom sunk into it as if it were made of jelly (Val really needed new furniture). I took her hand in mine and told her everything I knew.

  ***

  “He wanted you to know that he regrets his terrible mistake, and that he loves you very, very much,” I finished.

  After twenty minutes of sharing upsetting facts and responding to Val's many worried questions, I got all the secrets off my chest and managed to somewhat calm the old lady's poor nerves.

  “Oh my boy...” she wept, “I knew he hadn’t killed him. We must tell the police!”

  “Val, he insisted that we don’t get involved.”

  “Who wouldn't say that after such trauma and panic?” she remarked.

  She had a point. Maybe Chris hoped I would speak up now that he had been held in custody for a couple of days.

  “Don't you want to help him?” she asked me, disappointed with my previous answer.

  “Of course, but... he wanted to protect you, and me...”

  “Mandy, Chris has always wanted to protect the ones he loves.”

  “How's that?”

  I had the feeling I was on to something.

  “Well,” she began, “when he was only two years old, his mother was awfully sick. She was trying to recover from sepsis.”

  “Sepsis?”

  “A complication of an infection. You see, not long before the symptoms appeared, Chris' father had beaten her up so badly that her spleen had been lacerated. She was taken to hospital and had to have it removed immediately. After that, she got a horrendous fever. That fever never came down.”

  “How awful!”

  “While his mother was being treated in hospital, I took Chris to see her every day. He saw her condition deteriorate and deteriorate, but I still continued to take him. I guess I was hoping it would make Meg feel better, to see her little boy walk into the room every day with a bunch of flowers. I didn't realise how much it was affecting Chris though... One evening, when the visiting hours were over, he wouldn't leave her side. He held onto her left leg with both hands and screamed with sadness. No matter how many times I told him we would come back the next day, he wouldn't move. I was about to pick him up and force him out of the room when he ran over to the bed next to his mother's. There, he hid behind the high mattress and pointed his index finger at her... He was asking me to take her home, and he was willing to take her place in hospital.”