To be loved
Page 20
“How about lunch together on Tuesday?” asked Hannah as she saw me back to the front door.
“Yes, we'll do that! See you next week!” I confirmed with haste.
I had barely stepped a foot outside and was already impatient to see them again. They had been the shoulders I could lean on throughout the past two difficult years. I sometimes felt rather lonely in my new flat; it was no bigger than twenty square meters, and although I had been living there for over ten months, I still hadn't met any of my neighbours. When I first moved in, I spent a lot of time turning my small space into a cosy haven: I filled my bedroom with cushions and little lights, and I brightened my kitchen up with spider plants and rubber figs. What I adored most about my studio, however, was its view of the coast. I was living on the second floor of a square building, and my three windows provided a beautiful panorama. Despite lacking space inside, I had all the room I needed outside! My nights spent watching the waves gently crash against the iron figures facing the sea were breathtaking. I wouldn't have traded them for anything in the world.
Chapter 53
“The court, having reviewed the evidence, finds Chris Downes guilty of breaking and entering, with the intent to commit an assault upon Aaron Jerry Downes.”
Chris didn't look at me.
“Chris Downes is sentenced to eleven months in prison.”
He didn't look at me once during the entire trial. Even when I made my statement. Even when his attorney asked me what the nature of our relationship was. Even when I publicly declared that I loved him. Even when the judge was delivering the verdict...
“For count number two, the murder of Aaron Jerry Downes, the court finds him not guilty.”
A forensics expert had been hired for Chris' case; he and his public defender had managed to prove his innocence. Traces of Geoffrey's DNA, as well as samples of his hair, were found in Aaron Downes' flat. In addition to that, a threatening voice message from Geoffrey was used as evidence during the trial, and his impressive police record emphasized the probability of him committing the murder. I was disgusted with myself for having kissed such a horrible man. How could I have been so blind! To this day, Geoffrey was still nowhere to be found.
Once the judge had stated the final decision for the case, two policemen took Chris away without sparing one second for him to speak to Val. She had sat next to me during the whole lawsuit. I saw Chris glance at her many times, but he never turned towards me. I had longed for an interaction with him for weeks – no matter how small – but I never received one single friendly or loving gesture from him.
“Chris Downes is sentenced to eleven months in prison...”
***
...I woke up from the same nightmare I’d been having every week ever since Chris' sentence, thirteen months earlier. Needless to say, I was mentally exhausted. It seemed that my subconscious mind couldn't let go of the loneliness I felt when Chris was sent to jail. It wasn't just the sadness of knowing that he would be spending a year alone in a prison cell, it was also the disillusionment I had endured when he repeatedly ignored the feelings we shared. He hadn't shown any interest in me since that night we kissed. His indifference was wounding and hurtful. The deep cut it had left on my heart still hadn't healed, and the sting of it came back at night while I was fast asleep. At least once a week, I would experience the trial all over again in my dreams, as if my brain wanted to check I hadn't missed something. A brief look, a gentle smile, a lost tear... Anything. To my despair, the ending would always be the same and I would awake sweating and miserable.
Just like every Monday morning, I washed away my torments and my dejection under the powerful jet of the shower. Water pouring over my head always had a cleansing effect on my heartache. I then headed to university feeling refreshed and light-hearted – knowing however that that state of mind would only last until the next nightmare. On campus, I met up with Kelly for our first coffee of the day, before going our separate ways. Although she had passed her Marketing exams two years prior, she had been focusing on a whole new career path. She was now concentrating on a Sports Science Degree! She was enjoying it much more than the previous course and it fitted her character very well. As for me, I got my degree too, but hadn't given up on Marketing. By the end of the year, my goal was to finish my Master and find work in Plymouth, close to my sister Jasmine and her family.
“Have you decided to join us?” Kelly asked me out of the blue between two sips of her milky coffee.
“Join you?”
“My party next week, remember?”
“Oh right! Yes, I think so.”
“François is going to be there,” she told me with a cheeky smile.
François was a French student who was in her class. His English accent was hilarious and his sentences were constantly interrupted by short French expressions, such as “Oh là là”, “hein”, “quoi”, or “n'est-ce pas?” After a night out at a club with Kelly and her friends, I had told her how interesting and funny I thought François was. Since then, she had been attempting a little matchmaking... I wasn't receptive to the idea.
“He's been asking about you,” she mentioned.
I smiled but preferred to take a big gulp of coffee rather than encourage her to tell me more. Instead, I asked how many people were going to attend her party.
“Twenty!” she replied, overjoyed. “With you, twenty-one!”
When Jessica Pearson left Uni to travel to Australia with her new sinewy boyfriend, Kelly took charge of all the soirées – as François would call them. First we would have a drink and some snacks at her apartment, then she would lead us to a popular bar or nightclub. Some familiar faces would appear throughout the evenings such as Tommy's, Graham's and Nolan's; ultimately, all Kelly's old football teammates, who still included her whenever a match took place at the campus park.
“What about Jim?” I asked.
“He won't be able to make it this time; he has to work the night shift.”
Jim and Kelly were going through a rough patch in their relationship. After failing his exams a second time last year, Jim had found work as a receptionist in a luxurious hotel by the coast. His working hours changed constantly, making him tired, and therefore, very irritable around Kelly when they managed to find time to see each other.
“Oh dear, I'd better get going...” she said as she took a quick look at her watch.
Kelly had to walk all the way to the other side of campus for her course, which could be an arduous thing to do when the hot rays of sun were beaming down onto our heads – even at nine o'clock in the morning!
“See you tomorrow? Same place, same time?” she checked.
“Of course.”
I was grateful to have Kelly's company every morning. Her friendship helped me get over Olivia's silence. I hadn't heard from her in two years; she had never answered any of my calls, nor asked to see me. One day I built up the courage to visit her in hospital, but she had been moved, and no one was allowed to tell me where to. “Family only,” the secretary kept saying in an annoying robotic tone. The only way I knew Olivia was still alive, was by phoning her family's landline. Mrs Ledford occasionally chatted with me and kept me updated on Olivia's health. She was going through a series of ups and downs the last time we spoke. But six months ago, I could no longer reach her mother. It wasn't until one spring morning that a man – probably the owner of their apartment – finally picked up the phone and informed me that the Ledford family had moved out. Yet again, he was not allowed to tell me where to. I was heartbroken, all over again. Ignorance is bliss? Definitely not. Ignorance was torture, and it prevented me from turning the page. I still hoped to bump into Olivia every day. I still wished she would call me every night. And I still prayed that she was in good health and out of hospital.
Chapter 54
“Did you hear me, Mandy?”
Hannah was staring at me with a ham and cheese sandwich in her hands. My mind was elsewhere and I had completely lost t
rack of what we were chatting about. I was too embarrassed to admit it...
“Your exhibition at the museum will take place in the biggest room...?” I guessed.
“I told you that twenty minutes ago!” she scolded, not impressed. “I was giving you the number of guests invited to our wedding!”
I apologised and asked her to repeat the news.
“Sixty-four,” she answered sharply with no interest to share the information anymore.
I apologised again, sincerely, but then gazed at the empty football field of the park. Our lunch on campus together hadn't been able to draw me out of my shell.
“You're weird today, Mandy,” Hannah noticed. “What's troubling you? Those nightmares again?”
“Yes... No... Well, it's everything really. Every time I'm about to visit Val, I get nervous.”
Once a week, she and I would have a coffee together. It had become our routine from the moment Chris was sent to jail. His last wish was for me to keep an eye on her, and that was what I intended to do until his return.
“Chris should be out of prison by now,” I announced, “but he hasn't come back to the club yet. It's making Val feel unwell. Last week, she was stuck in bed. I don't understand why Chris hasn't shown his face.”
“How are you feeling?” Hannah asked, concerned.
“Like shit,” I said honestly. “Angry, anxious... and alone. Olivia and Chris have left me in the dark for two years, and yet I'm still worrying about them today! It’s so unfair! I don't expect to hear from Olivia anymore... That continues to break my heart. And Chris' indifference has made me bitter. When he returns, I will no longer visit Behind the Curtains. I'll have done my part, and I'll get on with my life.”
“Yes, it's about time you got your life back,” Hannah agreed. “Moving to Plymouth will do you a world of good.”
“I hope so.”
I cut our discussion short. There was no need for me to elaborate. The matter had been going round and round in my brain for so long, I knew nothing positive would come of talking about Olivia and Chris all over again. Despite my lack of concentration, I was truly interested in hearing my friend's festive news.
“Please tell me more about your wedding plans, Hannah.”
“Very well...but you know who's door to knock on whenever you feel lonely,” she reminded me.
I smiled and thanked her, but she couldn't understand that my loneliness had been continuous throughout the past two years, as if my whole body had been underwater all this time whilst everybody else was out enjoying the sunshine. I needed closure.
***
Val had a similar unsettled feeling to mine, but her old age had made the sentiment harder to live with. She had become fragile, physically and emotionally. When I turned up at her little flat above the club after my lunch with Hannah, she was still in bed. Josh, the barman, informed me that she hadn't been out of her room the whole week and she'd been looking more and more pale by the day. Upon my visit, Val hadn't bothered to curl her white hair, nor to wash her wrinkled skin, get out of her pyjamas or change into some descent clothes. Can a person die of worry and sadness? I pondered as I prepared tea for the both of us. At ninety-five years old, Val's only desire was to see her favourite boy again. That was all she was living for.
“Did we miscalculate? Has it been thirteen months since the verdict?” she checked.
“Yes, it has.”
“Where could he be?”
“No idea, Val.”
I was sick of this conversation. We had been questioning Chris' absence for weeks, and I had no information to comfort the poor lady.
“He told me he would come home soon...” she cried.
Throughout his first weeks in jail, Val called on Chris regularly. But her visits came to an end when Chris decided that prison was no place for an old lady. That was the excuse he gave her, anyway. After that, he phoned her twice a month. His last call dated back to seven weeks ago. Ever since, Val had been counting every day that passed without hearing from him.
“How about something to eat,” I suggested.
“I'm not hungry.”
“You'll need to be on top form when he returns,” I pointed out, trying to convince her – although I wasn't even convinced myself that he would show up one day.
“Tea will do for the moment.”
I sat with her for an extra hour, and eventually persuaded her to play a game of chess with me. It managed to put her mind to rest for a short while, until I had to head back to university.
“When will I see you again?” Val asked.
“Next Tuesday, as usual.”
I placed my hand on hers and told her I would bring up some little appetizers from the kitchen before leaving.
“You must eat, Val.”
“Thank you, darling. I will.”
As I stepped into the corridor, she called out my name.
“Yes?” I acknowledged, looking back at her.
“I am sorry, love.”
“Sorry for what?”
“Here you are, taking care of me... But nobody is taking care of you.”
“I'm fine, Val,” I swallowed. “Don't worry about me. I have my friends.”
“Friends are good, but they don't replace the love you should be receiving from my boy.”
She was right. She had noticed how badly I was missing Chris' attention.
“All will be back to normal when he returns,” she presumed.
It'll be a bit too late for that, I thought.
Chapter 55
The sound of the waves crashing on the beach helped me get to sleep. I always kept a window open at night, to let some fresh air enter the oven that my bedroom had become. Lying there, on the hard mattress, I would listen to the sounds of the seaside to calm my mind. It wouldn't take long before my eyes got heavy and closed. That was my favourite moment: just before falling into a deep sleep. The calmness and relaxation I felt when losing consciousness, but all the while remaining a little awake, felt freeing. My body would sink into the mattress like a rock and my mind would finally shut up; no more questions, no more worries. Utter bliss.
Waking up wouldn't be so gentle, however. Reality had a way of rushing back into my brain and my heart as soon as I sat up in my bed in the morning. The first thing I did every day, was prepare breakfast and eat it at my kitchen window. I watched people jog and walk along the coastline. Their energy reminded me that I had to keep going, no matter what. Feelings of happiness, relief and deliverance were surely going to return to my life sooner or later – with or without any news from Chris and Olivia. In order to make those positive feelings come back, I followed Kelly's advice and went jogging twice a week. She always said, “sport is the answer to everything!” She went running too, whenever obstacles got in the way of her happiness. Endorphins were just what I needed, but the benefits of my workouts would only last momentarily.
***
It was soon time for Kelly's party, giving me the opportunity to break my routine and get all dolled up. A little bit of make-up, a purple summer dress and a pair of high heels – which I hadn't worn in ages did the trick; I finally looked like I was part of this world! It was just an illusion, but it would do for the evening.
While I was helping Kelly hand out bottles of beer to every student that showed up at the party, her apartment got noisier and noisier, and more and more crowded. Someone seemed to have passed on the information to the entire university! To our surprise, at only seven p.m., we had to send Tommy and Graham to the closest supermarket to buy a dozen more packs of beer.
“Where are they all coming from?” Kelly couldn't believe. “My flat isn't big enough for more than thirty people!”
“I heard a girl say she got the news from the football team,” I told her.
“Well at this rate, we're going to have to leave much earlier to go to the nightclub!”
“Oh là là, sacrée fête!” commented François, who approached us while we wer
e filling ice cube racks with water. “It's going to be a fun night, hein?”
Kelly and I nodded.
“Can I help?” he proposed.
“Maybe Amanda needs a hand...” winked Kelly.
“No, no, I'm fine,” I made clear right away, to discourage her from trying to bring François and I together.
“Are you sure?” François checked.
“You look like you need a hand...” Kelly repeated.
“No, really, I'm fine,” I insisted, before walking away to distribute a few more drinks to the crowd.
I could sense that Kelly had thought it was an opportune moment for me and François to get to know each other, but I much rather wished to enjoy his charisma from a distance, without embarking into anything more with him.
I slowly stepped through the gathering, asking if anyone fancied a drink. Most students already had a bottle or a full cup in their hand, and ignored me. They were too busy chatting away about their summer plans. I could quickly tell who could afford to go on holiday and who had to work. It was easy to see thanks to the expression on their faces: some kept a serious look, whereas some faces brightened up in a matter of seconds. When I came up to a group of girls I didn't know – they must have been eighteen years old (their mini shorts and tops sure made them look that age) – I couldn't place one word. They were too excited and taken by their conversation, which wasn't about their upcoming holidays... They were spreading some gossip. I came a little closer to hear what they were so enthusiastic about.