To be loved

by Laura Paddick

  “...I'm sure he must be a whole different man now,” said one girl.

  “I don't think so,” blabbed another. “Eleven months isn't enough to change a person.”

  “Or course it is! Prison changes everything!” a third argued.

  “Excuse me!” I cried out, to get their attention, “...Who are you talking about?”

  “Chris Downes, of course!” the first girl replied in a snotty way, as if I was stupid.

  My heart skipped a beat. Actually, two beats.

  “What about him?” I investigated.

  “Haven't you heard? He's back! Made it out of prison and–”

  “He might show up this evening!” the second girl added.

  “Who– Who told you that?” I stammered.

  “Tommy Harris.”

  Tommy! Where the fuck was Tommy? Oh right, at the supermarket with Graham. I needed to calm down; my body was trembling with exhilaration. Then, a knock at the front door made the whole crowd stop and stare, including me. I realised everybody knew Chris was back and they were all hoping he was going to appear behind that door.

  “Mandy, can you get that please?” Kelly asked, her hands full of packets of crisps.

  I placed the few bottles of beer I had in my hands onto the nearest table and went to the door. My heart was beating strongly in my chest and the room went silent. I reached the door, took a deep breath and turned the knob. The door creaked and a silhouette came into sight in the dark corridor. Could it be Chris? Could it really be him?

  “Tommy forgot to pick up his wallet,” said the silhouette.

  Oh damn, it was only Graham. Chitter-chatter resumed in Kelly's apartment and the girls got back to their gossip. I stood in the doorway for a few seconds, to give my legs time to stop shaking. After that, I ran through the long corridor of the building to find Tommy at the entrance – almost breaking my ankles because of those bloody high heels!

  “How do you know about Chris?” I asked him between two puffs.

  Tommy was doing a Master in Marketing, just like me, and yet he hadn’t said a word about Chris throughout the past two years. Something was up, and Chris was getting closer; I could feel it.

  “How do I know? I saw him of course!” he said.

  “Where?”

  “Saint Helens.”

  “When?”

  “Two weeks ago.”

  “What was he doing there?”

  “My God, Mandy, you're worse than a police officer! What's with all the questions? He'll show up tonight, ask him!”

  “He said that he'd be coming tonight?”

  “Yes!”

  “Why didn't you tell me?” I urged.

  “I thought you hated the guy!”

  That was painful to hear. Graham came rushing around the corner, putting an end to our discussion.

  “Got iiiiit!” he sang, waving his wallet in his right hand.

  “Catch up later, Mandy!” shouted Tommy, running after Graham who was eager to get his chore over and done with.

  I couldn't believe it... Saint Helens was only thirty minutes away from Crosby Beach, and twenty minutes away from Behind the Curtains. Twenty minutes!

  ***

  By nine o'clock, all of Kelly's guests – invited and uninvited – had arrived. In total, forty noisy students were crammed together in her twenty five square meter flat. Still no sign of Chris though. Be that as it may, it was time for everyone to head to the nightclub down town; Kelly's landlord lived in the building and could discover at any moment that she had way too many people in her apartment.

  “I'll lead the way,” she told me, “can you come last and close the door behind you?”

  “Yep,” I replied.

  She gave me a set of keys.

  “LET'S GO EVERYBODY!” Kelly hollered to the room.

  As I watched everyone leave the flat, certain comments stuck out from the crowd.

  “I guess Chris will be at the nightclub then...” I heard one girl say.

  “I don't think he's going to show up!” said another.

  “He was known to never keep his word!” proclaimed a third.

  Welcome to my world, I thought when hearing their remarks.

  Once the place was empty, I took a couple of minutes to clean up. I put the finished bottles of beer in a big black bag and stacked the unopened packets of crisps on the kitchen counter. As for the empty ones, I temporarily made a heap on a deserted table. That's when I heard a girl's voice at the front door.

  “Excuse me, is this where the party's taking place?”

  I continued my tidying without looking up.

  “No, not here. You've got to go to The Velvet Club, ten minutes down town...”

  There was a strange silence. I was expecting the student to say thank you and catch up with the others, but there was no reply. The girl stepped into the room.

  “Mandy?” she called out.

  I turned around and Olivia was standing right in front of me. I had to blink a couple of times to check I wasn't dreaming! She looked beautiful. She had rosy cheeks and had put on a bit of weight. She had dressed herself in a light blue dress and her dark hair was cut to her shoulders. She showed every sign of being healthy and well. My last memory of Olivia was of her lying on the hospital bed with a tube in her nose...

  For a few minutes, I was unable to speak. I was in shock as well as being relieved. Tears started to well up in Olivia's eyes. She stepped towards me and widely opened her arms. Seconds later, she had wrapped them around my shoulders and I could feel teardrops fall onto my skin as she lay her head against my neck. Still unable to say one word, I locked my arms around her.

  With that simple embrace, Olivia had put everything back into place; the world seemed bearable to me for the first time in years. Deep down, I always knew our friendship meant as much to her as it did to me. I knew she never really wanted me out of her life. I knew her anorexia caused her to isolate herself. And I knew that this moment was what we both needed to heal and to turn over a new leaf.

  “No jumper?” I finally managed to ask, breaking down in tears just like her.

  “No. Nothing to hide anymore,” she replied with assurance.

  “...But the quotations! You always loved them!”

  “I've started a t-shirt collection.”

  We giggled, and held onto each other tightly.

  Chapter 56

  It went without saying that Olivia and I had a lot of catching up to do. We had the best conditions to do so: an empty flat, drinks and countless packets of crisps were at our disposal! I gave Kelly a phone call to warn her of the unexpected turn of events. She was moved to hear that Olivia had come back and she granted us the privilege of squatting her living room for the evening. We both grabbed a bottle of beer and shared some paprika chips. Olivia was munching without paying a slight bit of attention to calories or quantities. It was reassuring to see.

  Over the past six months, the Ledford family had moved to West Kirby, a little town forty minutes away from Crosby Beach. The rent there was much cheaper than in the city, allowing Olivia's mother to dedicate some money to a new and well-reputed therapist for her daughter. The counsellor had done miracles: within two weeks, Olivia was able to eat entirely on her own again. She no longer needed the feeding tube and began to savour and enjoy her meals. Not only did her therapist help her overcome her mental block on the matter, but she also improved her eating habits by teaching her balance in her nutrition. A couple of weeks after that, Olivia was out of hospital and back at home with her mum and her little brother. The counsellor encouraged proximity with her mother, started the dreaded conversation about her long-lost father, and initiated exercises to help her grow a strong feeling of self-love. Ever since, Olivia had been drawing everyday – one little picture a day, as recommended by her therapist – to visualize a strong young woman, surrounded by healthy food and a loving family.

  “When I was painting one day, I realised someon
e was missing in my picture... My best friend,” Olivia said to me. “I needed to see you. So, I took a trip to Uni and searched for you. You mustn't have had class last Tuesday afternoon; I couldn't find you.”

  “Oh, I was at Val's.”

  “Val?”

  “We'll get to that later... Keep going,” I told her, eager to hear her story.

  “...I couldn't find you but people were talking about Kelly's party. I decided to take note of the date, and, here I am.”

  “I'm so happy you came, Olivia. I've been worried sick about you! Your silence was unbearable...”

  “I had to go very low to come back up... I'm sorry I put you through that. My mum wanted to keep you updated on my health, but I asked her to stop doing that. It's hard to explain, but it put pressure on me.”

  “I wished I could have helped you!”

  “I didn't want to pull you down with me, Mandy. I was afraid that, if you saw me at my lowest, you would have thought I was a freak! I didn't want our friendship to end, so I pushed you away. Contradictory, I know.”

  “I understand... It was hard, but I do understand. How are you now? You look amazing!”

  “Thank you,” she blushed. “Well, I still see my therapist twice a week. It will take a while before I'm completely independent, but I'm getting there... And I plan on taking my final exams to get my Marketing Degree next spring.”

  “Sounds great, Olivia.”

  I was overjoyed to see that my friend was motivated and determined once again. She was full of life; it was inspiring to witness.

  “What about you?” she asked me.

  Where to begin? I had no intention to leave anything out this time. I wanted to tell my friend everything. Thank goodness we had the entire night to ourselves.

  ***

  “OH MY GOD!” Olivia kept saying during my explanations. “GEOFFREY?”, “DRUGS?”, “YOU KISSED CHRIS?”, “JAIL?”, “OH MY GOD!”

  Olivia had been away for so long, she couldn't believe her ears when she heard my news. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth dropped at every one of my revelations.

  “YOU POLE DANCED?”, “YOU WOKE UP IN CHRIS' BED?”, “OH MY GOD!”, “YOU WERE HIS WITNESS?”

  “Yes,” I confirmed.

  “THE OLD LADY HASN'T BEEN OUT OF BED FOR OVER TWO WEEKS?”

  “No.”

  “MICHAEL AND HANNAH ARE ENGAGED?”

  “Yes.”

  “ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE WITH CHRIS?”

  Ah, now that question I couldn't answer.

  “Not sure about that...” I told her. “And I think it's clear that he isn't! He hasn't even taken the time to visit me or Val! He was meant to turn up tonight, apparently... Looks like he hasn't had the guts to do that either!”

  “HE WAS MEANT TO COME TONIGHT? OH MY GOD!”

  ***

  When Kelly returned to her flat at four o'clock in the morning, she found Olivia and myself lying next to each other on her sofa. We had fallen fast asleep after sharing every little detail of the past two years of our lives. I slept like a baby that night. No nightmares whatsoever. Kelly covered us with a light blanket and left a note on the round table in front of us, which I discovered the next morning...

  Picnic at the seaside? You, me and Olivia? Wake me up when you're up... Xx

  ***

  “Did Chris ever show up at the nightclub?” I asked Kelly.

  “No,” she said, “but François gave me his number to give to you...”

  Kelly reached into the right pocket of her shorts, then handed over a small white sheet of paper. I took it, unfolded it and saw the words “Appelle-moi” written on it, followed by François' mobile number. After a non-existent love life for two whole years, I was ashamed that I didn't feel exhilarated by the opportunity to go out on a date with a nice man. Nevertheless, I kept his number in my handbag, just in case I felt differently in the days to come.

  As I sat between Olivia and Kelly, who were sunbathing on the soft sand of Crosby Beach, I remembered my first rendez-vous with Chris which took place at that very spot. If I had to be completely honest with myself, I would have to say that that first (yet forced) date was the moment I started falling in love with Chris. His home-made sandwiches, his surprisingly calm attitude, his playfulness with the labrador... Everything seemed real and truthful. I longed to experience that simplicity and sincerity with him again.

  Was I still in love with him, I asked myself again... Well, of course I was. But that didn't mean I was willing to forgive Chris for all the pain he had caused ever since his arrest. His indifference towards me had been crushing. It became clear to me, as I was watching the waves crash in front of my feet, that we could never pick up where we had left off. There had been too much silence and suffering since the passionate kiss we shared the night the police took him away.

  Chapter 57

  It was quiet outside Behind the Curtains the following Tuesday afternoon. A sign had been put up at the entrance:

  Closed. Reopening tomorrow at 5 p.m.

  In a matter of seconds, my brain was filled with worry... Was Val alright? Should I have come earlier? My mind was already expecting the worst. I knocked once, there was no answer. I knocked again, and the door creaked open.

  “Hello?” I said through the small gap that had just formed.

  Still no reply. I decided to enter.

  The stage was deserted but all the spotlights surrounding it had been left on. Without dawdling, I marched past the showroom, made my way through the clean and tidy kitchen, past the dancers' vacant dressing and training rooms, then slowly walked up the circular staircase which led to Val's apartment. As I came closer to her front door, I could hear many people chatting in her flat. All the hubbub made it impossible for them to notice me when I first tapped my fist against the wooden door. It took another louder go to finally catch the sound of footsteps approaching. The handle turned and the door swung open in one swift moment. There, standing before me, was the man himself. Chris Downes. For an instant, I was paralysed, unable to move, speak or even blink. Chris was topless, revealing his perfect muscles. His figure hadn't changed one bit over the past two years – I kind of wished he would have gained twenty pounds and let his hair grow shaggy and greasy... That would have made it easier for me to walk away. But no; his blond hair was just as sexy as it was the last time I saw him. Only his brown eyes looked worn out after eleven months of internment.

  “Hey, Mandy!” he smiled.

  I stood in the doorway and stared at him a little longer, until my body suddenly decided to react... My right hand reached out and slapped Chris around the face. It was quick and cacophonous.

  “...Good to see you too...” Chris retorted, holding his hand up to his red cheek.

  “Put a t-shirt on,” I demanded.

  “I see you haven't changed a bit...” he commented before heading to his bedroom.

  I stepped inside the apartment and discovered that all the staff of Behind the Curtains was present. Josh the barman, the beautiful dancers, gigantic Dave... All of them greeted me with warmth and familiarity, as if I was part of the club.

  “Where's Val?” I asked immediately after saying hello to everyone.

  “I'm here, love,” I heard her fragile little voice say as she appeared behind me.

  Val was up and about, was holding a freshly pressed orange juice and had put on her smartest clothes.

  “He's back!” she cried out, taking me in her thin trembling arms.

  Despite looking more frail than ever, the old lady had become her own self again.

  “Saturday evening he turned up! We're having a Welcome Home Party for him today. Fancy a drink, darling?” she offered.

  “I'm not staying for long... Just wanted to check up on you...”

  “Don't be silly; I'll get you a Martini!”

  “...I told you, she never takes no for an answer,” Chris intervened, lifting a white t-shirt over his head.

  Val grin
ned from ear to ear when seeing Chris and myself standing next to each other. Then, she walked over to the kitchen to fix me that drink.

  “Better?” Chris checked with me once his t-shirt had settled on his shoulders and covered his abdomen.

  “No,” I said at first. “I mean yes! I mean... Do what you want.”

  His obedience had left me confused.

  “Where have you been?” I wanted to know.

  “Not far...” he teased.

  I wasn't in the mood to joke.

  “Val has been very upset by your absence!”

  “Not you?” he flirted.

  “Yes,” I said, before correcting myself... “I mean, no! Just answer the question, Chris! Where were you these past two months?”

  “I've been busy.”

  “...Anything else?” I asked, frustrated.

  “I live in Saint Helens now.”

  “I know, Tommy told me... Couldn't you have found time to visit Val? Or me? You're so selfish, Chris!” I lashed out. “Have you no compassion for other people's feelings?”

  “Mandy...”

  I had no patience to listen to his excuses. I walked away without giving him the chance to come up with another short and disappointing answer. I stormed out of the flat in a flash.

  “Your Martini is ready!” Val called out from the kitchen.

  I didn't look back.

  “Where is she going?” she asked Chris.

  “Mandy, wait!” I heard him shout.

  It was too late. By the time he ran to the entrance of the club and stepped out into the street, I was long gone and heading home.

  Chapter 58

  It didn't take long before Chris wound up at Crosby Beach. I knew Val was going to give him my address, but I must admit, I wasn't expecting him to leave the Welcome Home Party to visit me. Barely an hour after I reached home, he appeared at the foot of my apartment. He knocked at the door, and I hurried to open it to give him a piece of my mind...