Kiss the Stars

by Jackson, A. L.

  I turned around to face him as he stepped onto the landing. His black hair a disaster, tattoos bristling with his blunt energy. “Just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you dropping everything for us these last two months. Knew you were going to be good, but I had no idea what you were going to bring to this album.”

  Didn’t want to stand there getting puffed up and cocky, but his words were hard to ignore.

  “Meant a lot . . . that you trusted me.”

  Guess I was speaking of so much more than just the music.

  His nod was tight. “And what’s the plan now? You headin’ back to South Carolina?” There was no missing what he was getting at.

  I blew out a sigh, wondering how it was that I didn’t instantly feel defensive. “I love her, Lyrik, and believe me, that is not a sentiment that I take lightly.”

  Something unsettled moved through his expression. “So . . . how’s it gonna be? They should be locking down the case soon, which means she’ll be good to go back to L.A.”

  Knew all of this was between Mia and me, but I figured if it wasn’t for Lyrik, we wouldn’t have collided, anyway.

  We wouldn’t be here, in this place, planning a future together.

  Huh.

  I guessed that bitch Karma had overstayed her welcome.

  “Asked her to stay. With me. Know it’s going to take some patience to figure this out, that we’re goin’ to have to make sacrifices, but I don’t think you’re much of a stranger to that.”

  “No, brother. I’m not. It’s fuckin’ hard. But believe me, it’s worth it. Music is like any other job. You do it, you do it well, and then you get your ass home to your girl. Don’t fucking get distracted or start making pit stops on your way home, if you get my meaning.”

  I scraped out a rough laugh. “Loud and clear.”

  Not that I needed to be reminded.

  He rubbed his palm over his mouth and down his chin, looked me square. “Take care of them.” He reached out and squeezed me on the shoulder. “And fuck, man, let her take care of you, too.”

  Without saying anything else, he turned and bounded back downstairs.

  I exhaled. For the first time, it didn’t feel so heavy.

  I walked out the door and into the blazing sun that was just beginning to dive to the west, the late afternoon hot and humid and filled with possibility.

  That riot continued to go down in the middle of me.

  Torn between love and loyalty.

  One in the same.

  “Only you. Forever. No matter what.”

  “Do you promise?”

  “I promise.”

  I dropped my head, gulping around the memories, knowing that oath was no longer true.

  Not sure if it made me a bastard.

  A cheater and a liar.

  Hating what I’d done. A blight that would lie on me forever.

  “I’m sorry, Maddie. I’m so damned sorry.”

  It was a silent prayer, held in the wind, kept in the whisper that whipped through the trees.

  Then I pulled out my phone and tapped out a message that I’d been contemplating all week.

  Me: What happens if I let it go?

  Phone rang.

  “Braxton.”

  “What the fuck is going on, Leif?”

  I stalled. Hesitated. Hadn’t given him many details. Even though I trusted him with my life, it was always safer to keep names separated. Identities. Yeah, he knew I was in Savannah, but I hadn’t given him the details of where I was staying or who I was playing with.

  He would have lost his shit if he knew.

  It was reckless, but I’d been from the beginning. But sometimes you had to wander lost before you found out where you belonged.

  “Just don’t know what good it’ll do at this point.”

  He breathed out a skeptical sound. “Be straight with me, Leif. What the fuck is going on?”

  “Met someone.”

  He sighed. Warring, too. “That’s good, Leif. That’s good. But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re hiding out on the other side of the country. Running for your life. Makes it more dangerous, honestly.”

  Distress pulsed. A warning that crashed through the fortress of bliss.

  “Then how do I end it?” It was low and hard. A bitter plea.

  “Might not be your concern any longer, anyway.”

  Hatred flashed.

  His face burned in my mind.

  All of it wrapped up with the need for this to just go away.

  So I could stay here with Mia.

  Devoted.

  Not caught in this web between who I was and who I wanted to be.

  “Pretty sure that greedy bastard has already dug his own grave,” Brax continued. “Karma is coming for his punk ass. Another shipment was scraped. Evidence is finally pointing to him.”

  Might have been the first time I was happy to hear that Karma had shown her face.

  This was the exact thing Brax and I had been trying to gather for years. Enough evidence dumped at that bastard’s door that there would be no question. Let his own mistakes eat him alive.

  It wouldn’t even have been a set up considering we were only pointing Krane to the truth.

  “You haven’t had anyone following you again?” he clarified.

  “No.”

  Had never been so relieved to find out an arrest had been made. They still hadn’t charged the guy with Lana’s death, but the detective said he was close to piecing it together.

  Could almost see Braxton nodding. “Listen, found out it was your mom who sent those two guys. All it took was a couple of beers for them to spill. She wasn’t after you, Leif. She wanted them to deliver information but you had them running scared before they got the chance.”

  I blew out a sigh, not sure that I could believe it.

  Accept it.

  She’d done too many wrongs for me to buy that.

  But still . . . if I was letting this go, I had to let it all go, and I found I was having a hard time hanging onto the anger when I wasn’t even sure she’d been involved.

  “Think you should sit tight for a few weeks. See how this thing goes down here in L.A. Hoping it will take care of itself. And that’s how it ends, Leif. Then you live your life. Leave California behind. Be with your girl and play with your band. It’s your time.”

  Maddie and Haylee’s faces gusted through my mind.

  Beautiful.

  Innocent.

  Sweet.

  Grief clutched me by the throat.

  Could I do it? Let it go? There was nothing I could do to bring them back, and I was starting to realize I’d been chasing down a feeling that was never going to come.

  When it came to them, I wasn’t ever gonna feel satisfaction or relief.

  “Okay,” I told him. “I’ll hang tight. Let me know when you get word.”

  “You know I will.” He paused before he said, “Happy for you, Leif. Honestly never thought you’d get there. Makes me fucking happy that you did.”

  “Thanks, man.”

  I ended the call.

  Not sure if I felt like scum or if I was doing the right thing.

  I’d made the mistake of bringing Maddie down with me. A prisoner to the life I was chained to without her even knowing what I was involved in.

  Didn’t want to be the fool who did the same thing to Mia.

  Mia.

  My angel in the attic.

  My spirit clutched, girl calling to me from across the miles, and I got on my bike, kicked it over, and let the vibration move through me as I headed back to the West Mansion, knowing things were about to change and they were going to change for the better.

  I took the twenty-minute ride back into Savannah, and even though I slowed the bike to take the narrow, neighborhood streets, anticipation wound me high.

  Couldn’t wait to get back to her.

  See her face.

  Start making plans.

  I pulled into the garage, quick to park be
fore I made a beeline for the gate.

  I punched in the code and stepped into Eden.

  Hell was going to have to wait.

  I dropped my bag in the guest house before I turned in the direction of Mia’s wing. That long row of windows lit up like glitter as the sun streaked down from the sky at a low angle.

  My heart thudded. My stomach knotted.

  I buzzed into the house, and the smell of fresh paint filled my nostrils.

  I moved toward the hall, sight catching on the wet canvas where I knew she’d stood with a brush in her hand.

  A man on one side of a cavern. A woman and two children on the other. Their faces distorted in that mystical, haunting way, but there was no mistaking the fact they were breaching the distance.

  Finding a way.

  Anxious, I sped up, rapping my knuckles once on the partially opened door and poking my head inside.

  Penny was on the couch, phone in hand. She looked up when she heard me and grinned.

  Another cracked, brittle piece of my heart sloughed off.

  “Leif, you’re back. Did you get all finished? Uncle Lyrik said this album is the bomb. Do you want to go for pizza tonight? Mom said it was fine and then maybe we can ask Kallie, too!”

  Her ramble of words were sweet and hopeful and gracious.

  Like she was asking me for permission.

  Like she’d welcomed me as a part of her life.

  A child. A child. A child.

  My spirit trembled and shook. Haylee’s face flashed behind my eyes.

  I missed her. Fuck, I would miss her every day of my life.

  The wound that was my daughter would never heal.

  But I had to believe Mia had crashed into my life with a purpose.

  Proof had to be what possessed me when I looked at her children.

  I crossed the space, leaning over Penny, and I pressed a kiss to her forehead. Relished in the gift. Something I was never supposed to have again, but I’d be a fool to question what I was given. “I would love to have pizza.”

  She rocked her head back, beaming up at me.

  Love rushed.

  I edged back, blinked, my entire world rocked.

  Never imagined when I got pushed off that cliff that when I landed there would be an entire family waiting at the bottom to catch me.

  “Where’s your mom?”

  She gestured with her chin. “In her room, reading.”

  “Okay. I’m going to go tell her hi.”

  “Okay.”

  I straightened, not sure what to do with the jealousy that bashed me in the chest when her phone lit-up with a Facetime call that read Dad.

  No doubt, Mia and I had tons of sorting to do. There was no chance she could one-hundred percent leave L.A. behind. Doubted that I could, either.

  “Oh, there’s my dad. He said he was going to call me right back.”

  My nod was tight, as tight as my throat when I swallowed. “No worries. Take your time. We’ll leave when you’re finished.”

  There.

  That was civil, right?

  The right way to handle this bullshit?

  Spinning on my heel, I moved for Mia’s door.

  “Hi, Dad!” Penny said in her sweet way.

  “Penny-Girl.”

  It should have been nothing.

  The voice.

  But every hair on my body stood on end when I heard it.

  Paranoid.

  My brain fried.

  Waiting for the motherfucking shoe to drop.

  That was it.

  Still, I froze, cocked my head, and turned my ear. Dread lifted in a sticky sweat that coated my flesh. Mind distorted like a bad trip.

  “When are you coming home?” It was a grumble. Petulant.

  Selfishness to the extreme.

  Vicious and cruel.

  No.

  This couldn’t be happening.

  It . . . it wasn’t possible.

  I was losing it.

  Coming unhinged.

  Sins I’d committed coming back to taunt me.

  “I, um . . . I’m not sure,” Penny answered, uneasy, because the prick was putting her on the spot.

  “You need to tell your mom it’s time for you to get back here. Done with her excuses.”

  Nausea boiled. Rising up fast. Filling my throat and coating my tongue in hatred.

  I wasn’t even aware that my goddamn feet had moved.

  I was standing off to the side of Penny without even really knowing how I’d gotten there.

  Not even fucking surprised at the same time.

  Because I should have known.

  Should have known I couldn’t take and take and take and get away with what I’d done.

  Like I could be absolved of the guilt.

  Because angels and devils didn’t mix.

  But there I was, staring at the vilest one.

  His face on the screen.

  Nixon Shoewalter.

  Our eyes clashed through the phone.

  Hatred gnashed my teeth.

  Knocked me from the side.

  Blunt force trauma to the back of the head.

  “What the fuck?” he hissed below his breath.

  I stumbled back.

  Stricken by what this meant.

  Fuck.

  I grabbed my head in my hands.

  World a tilt-a-whirl.

  Gaining speed.

  Disorienting.

  Devastating.

  “Leif . . . what’s wrong? Are you okay? You look like you’re going to throw up,” Penny rushed, jumping off the couch, waving that phone around like a bomb.

  The atom kind.

  One that decimated everything.

  I should have known I couldn’t have this.

  That I was just setting myself up to lose.

  Only it was exponentially worse than even I could have imagined.

  “I . . . I have to go,” I managed to wheeze.

  Heart manic.

  Sight blurred.

  Couldn’t find my footing with her waving that phone in my face. Might as well have been a hot poker that was going to stab me in the heart.

  I stumbled back, banging into the wall. A picture knocked to the floor. Glass shattered while the ground completely dropped out from under me.

  I squeezed my eyes like it could stand the chance of bringing me back. Wake me up. Shake me out of this nightmare.

  No. God. Please.

  Agony mauled me like it was a fucking monster.

  A wraith.

  That bitch Karma was cackling off to the side as she commanded for him to finally do me in.

  Like I actually thought I was going to escape her.

  “Leif.” Penny tried to grab my hand.

  Couldn’t even let her touch me.

  I fumbled back from her like I was gonna get burned.

  Who the fuck was I kidding?

  I was dust.

  Nothing but fiery, flickering out debris.

  I finally made it to the door.

  The voice I would never forget shouted from the phone, “You motherfucker. You got to my family. You are dead.”

  I tore down the hall and burst out into the fading light.

  Shock shifting to rage.

  Because he was wrong.

  It was his debt that was coming due.

  Thirty-Three

  Leif

  Three Years Ago

  I crept in through the backdoor into the kitchen. Cringed when Maddie lifted her head from where she was waiting for me at the small table. Streaks of mascara ran down her eyes, hair a mess, distrust on her face. “Where were you?”

  Guilt spiraled.

  Shivered and shook.

  I blew out a sigh and tossed my keys to the counter. “Out.”

  Wanted to keep her from it.

  Protect her from the truth.

  I was so damned close.

  I just needed a few more days.

  She laughed a disbelieving sound, and she pushed
to her feet, her head shaking with hurt. “You’re a liar.”

  In defeat, I pressed my hands to the counter and dropped my head, talking to the granite because I wasn’t brave enough to look at her. “I’m trying not to be.”

  Soggy laughter ripped from her throat. “We have a daughter, Leif.”

  Slowly, I spun around.

  Love gripped me by the chest. What this was doing to my girl.

  She wasn’t a fool. She was just blameless.

  Incorruptible. Which was exactly the way I wanted it to be.

  “I have an out, Maddie. After this last job, I’m done. Keeton is cutting me loose.”

  “You were supposed to be done three years ago,” she begged.

  “It’s rare that I do anything for him. Just when he absolutely needs me.”

  “You think that makes it okay?” It was a shout. A whimper. Her outright disappointment. “Is this the life you want your daughter to live? Is this what you want her to see when she looks at you? Is this the legacy you want to leave behind?”

  The force of her words should have blasted me back.

  Instead, they propelled me forward.

  Desperate to touch her. To get her in my arms. I wrapped them around her.

  Tight.

  Let her pound her anger out on my chest.

  Murmured the whole time, “I’m sorry. I’m fucking sorry. I tried to get free. I tried, baby. I tried.”

  “Why should I believe you?” she choked out where she sobbed into my shirt.

  “Because I love you. Because Haylee is my life. Because I’m doing everything I have to so I can get free of this. It’s over this weekend, and then I’m taking all of us away. Far fucking away. Where none of this can touch us again.”

  “Do you love me, Leif? Really, truly love me? Tell me this isn’t a lie. That I’m not wasting my life believing in you.”

  She looked up at me with the burden of what I’d done to her swimming in those green eyes.

  Grief. Hurt. With the hope she’d sparked in me the day she’d stumbled into the shop.

  I cupped her face, and I gave her my only perfect truth.

  “Only you. Forever. No matter what.”

  “Do you promise?”

  “I promise.”

  * * *

  Braxton and I rode. Headlights of our bikes spraying through the dark, deep, bitter night.

  Nixon was on his bike leading us into the darkness.