Forever

by Karen Ann Hopkins

  It would be difficult to reunite with my family after so many months, but arriving in a truck would have been even worse. The last thing I wanted to do was rub my decision to go English in my parents’ faces. The meeting would be awkward enough without a grand show of how different I was now.

  I’d even chosen to wear extremely plain jeans, a button-up blue shirt similar to the ones Mother used to sew for me and my old pair of suspenders. It wouldn’t have felt right to appear in front of Father wearing a shirt with a strange picture on it. Rose, for her part, had dressed in a subdued manner, too, squeezing into a pair of maternity pants that looked like jeans, with a white sweater that just made it over the baby bump.

  We were lucky. With just a few days left to go until the end of October, the weather was still fairly mild, making the hike through the sunny field enjoyable and not much of a chore, even for my very pregnant wife.

  I smiled at the thought and once again looked at Rose. This time, she caught my glance and said, “Why are you staring at me?”

  Squeezing her hand more tightly, I replied, “I was just thinking about how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you for my wife.”

  She rolled her eyes and snorted, “Oh, yeah, I’m a real hottie right now.”

  I pulled her to a stop. “Don’t mock me. You are beautiful. The pregnancy has heightened your beauty.”

  “I feel like a bloated tick. Didn’t you see how Sam laughed at me when I got out of the truck?”

  I rolled my eyes. I’m sure my face had turned red with the heat of anger when I said, “Your brother is an idiot. I know you’re not very comfortable at this point, but you’re still a sight for sore eyes—I just wish you were always as happy as you seem today.”

  “I think it’s just the hormones making me so emotional.” She took a deep breath and glanced away. “I have to admit, being home has made a world of difference. I feel like I’ve woken from a bad dream.”

  For a second, I scrunched my eyebrows together and watched Rose as she avoided my gaze. She still wouldn’t open up to me about the nightmares that had her tossing and turning each night. Sometimes she’d wake drenched in sweat and crying out Sarah’s name or saying the word baby in the middle of the night.

  I understood. I had my own ill dreams to deal with, but I’d been becoming increasingly more concerned as dark lines had developed beneath Rose’s eyes and her skin had turned paler. The lack of adequate sleep was taking a toll on her— I only prayed that this trip would take away her fears and give her peace.

  Having her own family visit us on a regular basis hadn’t helped Rose. She needed something else, and now I was pretty sure what it was. Not so different from me, she felt city life draining her life away. Deep down, Rose loved the country and the slower pace as much as I did.

  When she finally looked at me again, her wide smile nearly took my breath away. I would do anything to make her face light up like that every day—anything.

  “I feel the same way. Smelling the acres of grass and the scent of cows on the wind calms my soul. Other than you and the baby, the one thing that keeps me going is the hope that we’ll have our own farm one day.”

  She gripped my hand more tightly and promised, “We will.”

  Picking up our pace, we started walking again. Several times Rose pointed at the display of autumn colors in the distance. Unfortunately, all the trees that used to line the roadway were gone, splintered from the same storm that had taken my little sister to heaven. Most of the devastation had been cleared away, but here and there were reminders of the horrible storm in the form of bulldozed piles full of broken trees and pieces of the house and barn.

  In the city, it was easier to block thoughts of Sarah from entering my mind, but here, so close to home, I couldn’t stop them from flooding in. I pictured sweet Sarah racing against me on her fat pony and her laughing face when she kicked hay down on to my head while she hid in the barn loft. I could still smell the wonderful aroma of her special oatmeal raisin cookies when she pulled them from the oven, and I remembered her soft hands when she’d placed bandages on to my cuts and scratches. She was the best sister anyone could’ve asked for. I only wish that I’d realized it before God had taken her away—and told her how much I loved her.

  Carefully, I turned away and quickly sniffed in the emotions that I hoped Rose wouldn’t notice. I had to collect myself. The last thing I wanted to do was show her how my sister’s death still affected me. I had to be strong for her—for the both of us.

  Closing my eyes for a few seconds, I swallowed down the lump in my throat.

  Goodbye, my dear Sarah. I love you.

  The breeze picked up, and for a strange second, I swore I smelled cookies baking. Shaking my head, I gazed up at the puffy clouds that dotted the blue sky, and the hairs on my arms went up and my heart began to race. Sarah was with us—I could feel her presence all around me.

  I couldn’t help smiling. Sarah had heard me—she wanted me to know that she was all right and that she knew my feelings for her. She was saying her own goodbye.

  Rose tugged me to a stop and said, “What’s caused that silly look on your face?”

  Someday, I’d tell her about it, but not now.

  Pulling her into a tight hug, I murmured into her hair, “Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

  Rose pulled back and raised her chin, squinting into the sunshine. “Several times a day, actually. If you want to avoid the subject, that’s fine with me. I have ways to get it out of you.”

  She giggled and pinched my side playfully.

  I sighed, knowing full well that she’d have me talking about it by tonight. Rose could be very persuasive when she wanted to be.

  My smile broadened at the thought of her tactics, and I pulled her up under my arm. There was no need for any more conversation and we both knew it. The promise of what was to come when we were alone later in the night was enough as we walked in silence, holding each other tightly.

  When the entire farm came into view, Rose gasped and clutched my arm. All remnants of the old house were gone and replaced with the frame of a new one. The shine from the silver tin roof glared at us, and the white paper on the walls showed that the building was almost dried in. There were no trees in the yard, and the shed hadn’t been rebuilt yet, but other than those things, the place had an air of rebirth about it, almost as if the land itself was happy to be fixed up again.

  “They’ve done so much work since we left,” Rose breathed out in awe.

  I understood her amazement, but I wasn’t shocked. I knew that the entire Amish community had come together to put the house up for my family. With so many master builders working together and the threat of winter approaching, the work would have gone quickly. Even at this distance, I could see a couple of buggies parked in the driveway and could hear the sound of pounding hammers.

  “I wish Father would have allowed me to help rebuild the place. It feels strange to see all that’s been done and not to have lifted a finger for any of it.”

  “Let it go, Noah. Just be happy that they’re seeing us at all. Maybe you can help with the shed when they start on it.”

  Her suggestion was reasonable to an Englisher’s mind, but I couldn’t help the snort that erupted from my lips.

  “No, they will never accept my help again.”

  Quietly, we closed the distance to the farm. Once again, I’d added to Rose’s growing anxiety, and I hated myself for it, but I didn’t say anything more to try to soften my words. This was the part of leaving the Amish that I’d always feared.

  When we got close enough to the house to see Father and Jacob hanging a window on the second story and Matthew finishing the last board on the stoop leading up to the back door, I stopped and whistled in admiration.

  All eyes turned my way, and I couldn’t help feeling my heart jum
p when the looks were accompanied by large smiles, even from Father. Matthew wasted no time in throwing down his tools and running toward me.

  The force of his body against mine as he grabbed me into a hug took me by surprise. Even though Matthew was known for his freely shown friendliness, I would have reckoned he’d have been more reserved in front of Father.

  “Good golly, I can’t believe it’s you, Noah. What, it’s been four or five months now?”

  I pulled back but kept my arms braced against my friend. “I’d say nearly five months since the wedding. It’s hard to believe that so much time has passed that we haven’t seen each other.”

  Matthew finally released me and peered over at Rose shyly.

  “Boy, will Miranda be thrilled to see you, Rose.” Matthew stopped and looked at me with wide eyes, and said in a pleading voice, “You’ll be here long enough to see everyone, won’t you?”

  “That’s the plan.”

  “I’ll go call Timmy. Maybe he can bring the girls over here. Would you like that, Rose?”

  “Very much,” she said with a brilliant smile.

  Matthew nodded and turned away. With a faster stride than my large friend was known for, Matthew began crossing the yard to the barn. He looked back over his shoulder and shouted, “The phone is in the stable for the time being.”

  I nodded at the information and then turned to watch Father and Jacob approach at a slower pace. Noticing that Jacob’s beard had filled in more, I reached up and touched my clean-shaven chin without thought. The spread of nervousness in my stomach caused a cool sweat to erupt on my skin, and I took a breath as I made a mental note that Father’s own beard appeared to have grayed considerably since last I’d seen him. The stress of losing a daughter, a house…and a son…had aged Amos Miller, and I suddenly felt the weight of guilt on my shoulders.

  When they reached us, Father went first to Rose and took her hands up between his own. “It’s so very good to see you. You’re absolutely glowing.”

  “Thanks, Mr. Miller. You look pretty good yourself.”

  Father smiled warmly and then turned to me. He was more serious when he faced me, but there was no anger in his eyes. I breathed a little easier when he shook my hand heartily before stepping aside and allowing Jacob to follow suit.

  “What brings you to our neck of the woods?” Father asked.

  “Didn’t Mother tell you that we were coming?” I said, wondering if she’d misunderstood me.

  “Yes, she did. I’m simply wondering why you’re visiting us.”

  The blood began to drain from my face when I realized that Father wasn’t going to roll out the welcome mat.

  Quietly I said, “We wanted to visit our family and friends. Isn’t that reason enough?”

  Father and I stared at each other for several long seconds before he broke eye contact first and said to Jacob, “Why don’t you take Rose down to your place, son, to see Katie and the baby.”

  Jacob motioned for Rose to follow him to the nearest buggy. Rose looked at me for confirmation, and when I nodded, she joined Jacob. Father then turned to Matthew and ordered him to drive to James and Ruth’s place to inform Mother and the other children that we’d arrived. I’d heard that the family was staying at the Hershbergers’ while the house was built and was suddenly happy that most of the people I wanted to see were in one place.

  “Sure thing—Timmy is picking up the girls. Maybe he can meet us at the Hershbergers’?”

  Father shrugged, but I said, “That would be fine if you could arrange it, Matthew.”

  “I’ll do the best I can,” Matthew said before he sprinted to his own buggy.

  As I followed Father to the barn, I glanced over my shoulder at Jacob’s buggy which had just turned on to the roadway. Apprehension coursed through me when I saw the buggy speeding down the pavement. It was a strange feeling and one I’d never had before, even after my own near-fatal wreck. It suddenly dawned on me that if I’d stayed Amish, I’d have worried about my wife and children every time they got into a buggy. I knew firsthand how dangerous the mixing of buggies and motorized vehicles were, and a small part of me was glad that I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

  The sun was still bright in the sky when I entered the dimmer interior of the barn, and I breathed in the scent of hay and leather as I took my usual place on one of the hay bales left in the aisle for just such occasions.

  Father didn’t sit down, though. Instead, he chose to slowly pace while he rubbed his beard with his hand thoughtfully. I sat patiently waiting for him to initiate the conversation. Nervousness still poked at me, but I was calming down. After all, I was a grown married man with my own child on the way. I was no longer a green boy who Father could intimidate.

  When the silence was finally broken by Father’s voice, I was surprised by what he asked.

  “How is that little Paint rascal doing?”

  An image of the young black-and-white horse sprang to mind, and I chuckled, letting go of any apprehension that still clung to me.

  “He’s biting and kicking a whole new group of horses at the stable where Rose boards her horse in Cincinnati.”

  Father stopped and leaned back against the stall. He said, “That horse will always be difficult, because it’s in his nature to be so.”

  Knowing that there was hidden meaning to Father’s discussion of my horse, I asked with reluctance, “What’s your point?”

  Father sighed and then smiled sadly. “You’re not much different than that colt of yours. Even as a small child, you were rambunctious, always questioning everything, forever gazing down the road.” He took a deeper breath and continued. “I always prayed for you, son, more so than any of your siblings, because I knew that you were at the most risk of being tempted away. You couldn’t help buying that obnoxious horse the same as you couldn’t stop yourself from falling in love with an English girl. It was inevitable, because of your difficult nature.”

  I straightened up on the bale and said, “I didn’t come here to argue with you, Father.”

  “No, of course not—we are beyond that now. You’ve chosen your path, for ill or good. I won’t be changing your mind.”

  “Then why bring up how disappointed you are in me?”

  Father shook his head and said, “I’m not disappointed in you, just disappointed in how your life has turned out. I’ll always believe that you’ve made a huge mistake by leaving the Amish, and breaking your oath to the church, but I’m not really surprised that you did it and I’ll always love you.”

  Quietly I said, “I told you the reasons for my decision. I have no regrets, but I’m sorry that my actions have hurt you and Mother.”

  Father’s brows lifted, and he asked, “Really, no regrets at all? That’s amazing. Even I have some regrets, although I live every day for my God, my church and my family, knowing that some things can’t be undone…or shouldn’t be.”

  The strangeness in Father’s voice bothered me. He wasn’t behaving at all as I expected, and I wondered why. It would have been easier to deal with him if he’d been raging mad at me or completely friendly. This going back and forth with his emotions was making the conversation uncomfortable, to say the least.

  “I want nothing more than to have some semblance of a relationship with you, Mother and my siblings. What do you want?”

  The barn was quiet for a minute, the only sounds the birds chirping beyond the doorway and the occasional snort of a horse in the stall at my back. I was about to stand and leave the barn when Father decided to answer me.

  “I want you to have a relationship with our Lord…and to be happy.” When he turned to look at me, his eyes were wet, and I rose, standing before him. “After losing your dear sister, I don’t want to lose you, too.”

  I took the few steps to reach him and flung my arms around his strong body
. Father grasped me in a bear hug that nearly took my breath away, but I wouldn’t have dared to complain. The squeezing pain felt good.

  “You should come back to Meadowview, son. You should raise your family close by. It’s the right thing to do.”

  I pulled back, gaping.

  “But I’m shunned from the community. How could I make a life here as an English man?”

  “Pray for an answer. Ask for guidance, and I’m sure you’ll receive it. But I feel it in my heart that you and Rose aren’t happy in the city. Just like that colt will always be difficult, you’ll always be drawn to the land. You must return to the basics. Whether you’re Amish or English, you must live a simple life to be closer to God and truly happy.”

  His words resonated deep inside of me, and I knew he was right.

  “How can I do it without your help?”

  Father’s eyes brightened, and he said, “Never fear, Noah. I will always help you if you ask it of me and it’s within my power to do so.”

  “I don’t understand,” I whispered.

  “Pray about it and I’m sure you’ll get your answers.”

  He patted me on the back and then left me alone in the barn. Searching out the doorway, I gazed at the open fields for several minutes before I finally bowed my head and prayed.

  I only hoped that God was merciful to me and showed me the way quickly.

  For Rose’s sake, I’d made the best of my circumstances, learning to drive a car, working at a job I hated and living in the city; but I didn’t know how much longer I could survive what my life had become.

  50

  Rose

  The heat coming off of Ruth’s wood stove was glorious, and as I leaned back in the rocking chair, I sipped the cup of tea in my hands.

  Feeling at peace for the first time in so very long, I reveled in the feeling, unable to drop the smile that had erupted on my lips the minute I’d entered the house and had been embraced first by Ruth and then by Noah’s mom.

  The two women had talked my ears off for a half hour, and the conversation had only just calmed to a normal pitch in the past few minutes. Rachel sat close beside me, and for the first time ever, I felt the beginnings of a kinship with Noah’s younger sister. She’d been genuinely happy to see me and even touched my belly several times tentatively with a whimsical smile on her face.